The N Word (Redefining Me #2)

by Michelle MacQueen

  “Go in the house,” Avery said, shoving Nicky toward the door.

  “This is such bullshit.” Nicky shook his head, tears bright in his eyes. “Next time, tell them to take him to jail.”

  “Go on, Nicky,” their mom said. “We’ll handle your father.” She had tears in her eyes too. Tears of shame.

  “Whatever.” Nicky stormed into the house.

  Avery couldn’t handle his mom’s tears. He threw his head back, searching the stars for a reason why their lives had ended up this way. How were they this family? Once upon a time they’d had everything, and Grayson St. Germaine was a good man, a great husband, and the best father.

  How did we get here? He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

  “Avery, help me get him into the house before he passes out,” his mom said. “He’s going down like a rock any minute now.”

  Avery tossed his father’s arm around his shoulder and gripped his waist. “Come on, Pop, move your feet.”

  “I just hate that Nicky had to see this.”

  “Me too.” Avery moved to loop his forearms under his father’s arms as he stumbled. “I got you, Pop.” Avery started dragging him to the house. “Get the door, Mom.”

  “Be careful.” She held the door open for them.

  “He’s too drunk to feel anything.”

  “I meant you. Don’t hurt your back. He’s a heavy son of a bitch.”

  “You want him in the study?” Avery asked, hauling him up the last step and into the kitchen.

  “Put him on the sofa in the living room. He can sleep it off there. I’m working in the office tonight and I don’t want to look at him.”

  Avery dropped his father onto the sofa and rolled him onto his side in case he puked. He left his mom standing in the living room and returned with a bottle of water and some aspirin to set on the coffee table.

  “I hate this.” Rebecca draped a blanket over her husband. “I hate it when you boys have to see him like this.”

  “It’s okay, Mom. I can take it.”

  “You’re good with him. You don’t take his shit. But Nicky… It breaks my heart. The man your father was would never…” She choked on a sob.

  “Nicky knows that.”

  “Sometimes I don’t think he does.” She wiped her face. “Go check on your brother. I’ll finish up here.” Avery watched as she placed a pillow under her husband’s head and moved a trash can to the edge of the sofa.

  He left her there with her shoulders slumped, a knife in his heart. He could deal with his pop’s shit, but it tore him up inside for his mother and brother to have to deal with it too.

  Avery took the stairs two at a time and called out for Nicky when he reached the third floor. But Nicky lay sprawled on his bed still in his clothes. Avery maneuvered him out of his jacket and sweatshirt and tugged his boots off. He went back to the kitchenette and grabbed a bottle of water, some aspirin, and a glass of orange juice to place by Nicky’s bed.

  “This better be a one-time deal, little man,” he whispered, moving a trash can beside the bed. He draped a blanket over his brother and turned off the lights.

  Back downstairs, he found his mother in the study, working on one of her party planning projects. She ran a successful part-time side business all on her own, but lately, it seemed to be turning into a full-time job.

  “You get your brother up to bed with some aspirin for that massive hangover he’s going to have?” She eyed him over her reading glasses perched on the end of her nose.

  “Yeah.” He ran a hand through his hair. “That’s not a norm for Nicky.”

  “I know. Both my boys have a good excuse to drink, but I’m happy to see them making better choices than their father. On most nights anyway.” She tapped some numbers into the calculator, frowning as she recorded her calculations in a spreadsheet. “I’m sorry you boys had to see that.”

  “I’ve seen a lot worse.”

  “I know, and I hate that too.” She took her reading glasses off and set them aside.

  “I try to keep Nicky out of it, though. He takes it so hard.” Avery moved to sit on the sofa in front of her desk.

  “I hope you don’t think I love him more because I try to shield him—”

  “Mom, no. I get it. Nicky is young, and Pop is an extra-special kind of bastard toward him. I don’t want him to see Pop like this any more than you do. It’s getting worse, Mom. Should we try sending him to rehab?”

  “It’s not going to work until he’s ready to do it on his own. You can’t make an alcoholic stop drinking. He needs to hit rock bottom. Then he’ll either do the work and get sober or he won’t make it.”

  “Isn’t this rock bottom?” Avery asked. “If it’s not, I don’t want to be around when it happens.”

  “I want my boys thinking about their futures, not this depressing present we’re all stuck in. Focus on having a fun senior year and on getting into the college you really want.”

  “Speaking of fun senior years. I’ve been meaning to ask you about the ski trip coming up. I need to pay soon.”

  “Just use your Venmo card,” she said.

  “I tried, but I don’t think there’s enough in there. It declined.”

  “How much is the trip?” She turned back to her screen.

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged. His parents rarely asked how much things cost.

  “I’ll check. I’m sure I have an email here somewhere.” She scrolled through her messages. “Are you sure you really want to go?”

  “Of course, I’ve been looking forward to this trip for months. It’s only four days, and you know how much I love skiing.”

  “It’s just, I could use your help getting ready for Christmas. You know your father isn’t much help.”

  “Nicky can help you until I get back. And then I’ll have almost a week to help you before Christmas Eve.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good time, Avery.” She continued searching her email for the most recent reminder from the school. “Good Lord, it’s almost a grand plus airfare, where are you kids going, Paris?”

  “Aspen.” Avery felt his hopes sinking. She wasn’t going to let him go. “We’ve been there a bunch. It’s great.”

  “Listen, Avery.” She set her phone down. “Your father is such a handful these days. Tonight was really scary. If it happens again, he’s going to jail, and the scandal will just kill him. You’re going off to college soon, and I don’t want you to take a second look back at this town. But until then, I really need you to stay close to home. I know that’s asking a lot, but I’d really appreciate it if you could stay home over the break. We can spend some time together as a family.”

  Avery hung his head. He wanted to lash out, to yell at his stupid father for ruining everything. But he wouldn’t do that to his mom. “Sure. I can stay. But Mom, what are you going to do once I’m in college?”

  “I have plans. Don’t you worry about your mom.”

  “Easier said than done.” Avery stood and crossed the room, circling the desk where she sat. “Love you.” He dropped a kiss on top of her head, glancing at the screen.

  “Thank God for my boys. I’d go crazy.” She leaned into him.

  “What are you working on?” Avery frowned at the screen.

  “Just some budget stuff for a fundraiser I’m helping with.”

  “You’ve been working a lot more lately.” Avery crossed his arms over his chest. “Are you thinking about leaving him?”

  “No.” She took her glasses off. “Not unless he gives me no other choice. I’ve been working extra because I need the distraction. Grayson is a hard man to love, but I do love him. He’s just going through some stuff right now. He needs me, and I intend to stand by his side…as long as I can.”

  “Don’t make excuses for his bad behavior, Mom. Pop could get his shit together if he wanted. Promise me you’ll think about yourself too. I don’t like the idea of leaving you and Nicky in this mess when I go to school.”

  “You’r
e a good boy, Avery. So much like your father.”

  “I’m nothing like him.”

  “Your father wasn’t always an alcoholic. You remember the way he used to be. That was your pop. Don’t let the man he’s struggling with right now cloud your memories. And you are like him, Avery. In all the very best ways.”

  “Thanks Mom.”

  7

  Nari

  Distance formula. Midpoint formula. Standard equation of a circle. Terms from the semester swam in Nari’s brain as Mr. Nadine went over everything they’d learned over the past few months. She hated Mondays, but this was a short week with winter break beginning on Thursday.

  “Pop quiz, everyone.” Mr. Nadine said the three words that sent terror spiking through Nari’s heart. “Just a simple problem before we adjourn for the day.” He turned to write the instructions on the whiteboard behind him.

  “Use the distance formula to find an equation of the perpendicular bisector of the line segment between the points (4, 3) and (-2, 5). I’ll even give you a hint.” Mr. Nadine kept writing. “Solve for the point (x, y), which is on the perpendicular bisector if it is equidistant from the two points, so the perpendicular bisector is defined by the equation.

  “Don’t forget to show your work and graph the lines on graphing paper. You have twenty minutes left, more than enough time to finish. Begin.”

  Everyone around Nari scrambled to write down the equation while she tried to make sense of the numbers on the board. Folding her arms across her desk, she lowered her chin to rest on them, praying for a clue on how to get through this quiz. Math had always been a mystery to her, much to the dismay of her parents.

  Exams were coming. A week after winter break ended, they’d drown in tests covering months’ worth of useless knowledge.

  Yes, useless. When was Nari going to use calculus or algebra? When was she going to need to do chemical equations or recite quotes from the great American poets?

  She understood the poetry thing to an extent. Being a musician, it could come in handy. But freaking calc? She groaned, stifling the sound in her sleeve as she typed the equation into her graphing calculator. No one seemed to notice her obvious distress except for one person.

  Avery sat sideways in his desk along the far wall, one leg crossed over the other. He leaned back against the arm of the desk as if he didn’t have a care in the world. The graph paper in front of him was already filled with numbers with a neat little graph of the lines they were supposed to be focusing on. Hers was still blank except for the equation, written in her perfect penmanship, as if that would score her extra points. She glanced at the notebook beneath her paper, placing her hand over the lyrics she’d jotted down right before quiz panic killed her brain cells.

  Her mind drifted to the band. They didn’t have a logo, but Becks had named them Anonymous, a nod to the fact no one in their lives knew about them.

  Avery leaned forward, peering through a few rows to see what she tried to cover up. He lifted a brow.

  She averted her eyes, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing his attention had any effect on her. Why didn’t he care about anything? School. His family. Even an ex-girlfriend shoving her new relationship in his face. It all seemed to roll off his cool exterior.

  The bell rang. When Nari glanced up, Avery had turned away from her to shove his books in his bag and turn in his quiz. He stood without looking her way, chatting with Becks.

  As they passed Nari’s desk, she realized the lyrics sat exposed on her desk.

  Becks paused, grinning down at her as he leaned closer. He dropped his voice. “I’m going to want to see those.”

  She laughed and shook her head. He shot her a wink.

  Avery watched the exchange, his posture stiffening. Nari doubted he’d heard Becks’ words, but he saw his familiarity with her. For a moment, Nari had forgotten the school didn’t know Nari and Becks weren’t supposed to be friends. She’d forgotten they didn’t live in the same world.

  But Avery hadn’t. His stiffness said it all. Becks was one of them, not supposed to cross the battle lines.

  Don’t start thinking you’re better than you are, Nari.

  She met Avery’s dark gaze as his words stung her once again. Maybe he’d been telling the truth in the car. This was a guy who was still in love with the meanest girl in school, after all.

  “Well.” Becks clapped Avery on the back. “I’m out, man.” He leaned down again, his voice dropping. “Bye, Nari. Will I see you later?” She knew what he meant. Band practice. But the way he said it made her think he was just trying to piss Avery off. Was Avery really that worried about his best friend stepping out of line?

  Screw it. She beamed her most charming smile—if she had a charming one—fixed wide eyes on Beckett, and giggled. She couldn’t believe she giggled. Resisting the urge to puke, she went all in. “Sure, Becks. Your place?”

  His smile widened—if that was possible. “See ya later, beautiful.”

  Her cheeks heated, and she ducked her head as he laughed. At the door, Avery pulled him back, dropping his voice probably in hopes Nari wouldn’t hear him. News flash: she heard every word.

  “You’re not hanging out with Nari.”

  Beck shrugged off Avery’s arm and darted into the hall where his booming voice could still be heard. “Nicky!” he called. “Just the kid I wanted to see. I need some outfit advice for my date with Nari later.”

  Nicky stopped at the door. “You do realize not all gay guys dream of fashion every night.” Nari could practically hear him rolling his eyes. Nicky was like her, though. They both had giant soft spots for Becks. She craned her neck to see Becks wrap an arm around Nicky’s neck and pull him down the hall.

  Avery cast one more indecipherable look over his shoulder before stepping out the door. Nari turned back to her quiz, frowning at the empty page. She scribbled some half-hearted attempt at solving the equation and then copied the answer her calculator spit out. It was never right. Even when it was, she never showed the work correctly and never received full marks. She tossed her calculus book and notebook into her bag. Only the teacher remained in the room.

  “Nari,” Mr. Nadine said in his thick Indian accent. “Can I speak with you for a moment?”

  “Um, I’m going to be late to chem.”

  He waved off her concern. “I’ll write you a note.”

  She carried her books under her arm as she approached his desk, her free hand fiddling with the ends of her hair.

  He folded his hands on top of his desk and stared at her quiz work in disappointment. For a moment, she felt like she was standing in front of her mother after messing up the newest attempt at a Bach masterpiece on the piano.

  At least then, she’d know she’d get it right, eventually. Music was in her blood. Calculus, not so much.

  “Nari.” Mr. Nadine sighed. “You’ve been struggling all semester in this class.”

  She focused on her hands. Such interesting hands.

  “I’ve spoken to a few of your other teachers, and they have similar concerns to mine.”

  “What concerns are those?”

  He waited a beat to speak. “Exams are coming up after the break.”

  She knew that. It was all any of their teachers were talking about.

  “You need at least a C to pass my class.”

  She jerked her head up. Just a C. It sounded so simple. Only, she’d failed his last test.

  He unclasped his hands, shuffling through papers on his desk. “Now, with your father in such a prestigious position at Defiance University, I know you don’t need to worry about acceptance as long as you pass this year. Your GPA for all four years of high school is still passable. But if you wish to get out of this town and make it on your own merit, I suggest you spend your break studying. Maybe find a tutor.”

  Make it on her own merit. He meant get into college without parental help. What would he say right now if she told him she didn’t want to go to college? Teachers were pre-progr
ammed to think more school was the only way to make a life.

  He handed her a packet of papers.

  “What are these?”

  “An extra study guide I made for the students who need the help.”

  “Oh.” Her mouth pursed as she stared down at the math problems she already knew she wouldn’t be able to solve on her own.

  And a tutor? She didn’t even know where to get one of those. It couldn’t be another student because then the entire school would know the nerdy Asian girl sucked at all things academic. As if she wasn’t enough of a loser already.

  She straightened her thick frames on her face. “Um, thank you.”

  Mr. Nadine nodded. “We all want you to succeed here, Nari. We care.”

  She knew they did…to an extent. They also didn’t want her dragging their precious averages down. As soon as she walked across the graduation stage, they’d forget all about the quiet, glasses-wearing idiot.

  Even as she thought it, she chided herself for calling herself an idiot. Enough people would do it for her. There was no reason to bring herself lower than she already felt.

  As she took the late excuse he offered her and stepped from the room, she tried to shake the fog from her mind and wasn’t watching where she was going. She slammed into something hard, and strong arms gripped her shoulders to keep her from falling.

  “Damn it, Avery.” She stepped back, uncomfortable at his proximity. “What are you doing skulking around out here?”

  “I’m not skulking.” He crossed his arms, a small smile appearing on his lips. This boy was going to give her whiplash with his changing moods. In the car after the party, he was tense. With Becks a few minutes ago, he was angry. And now? Well, she didn’t know what his smile meant now.

  After spending nearly two years pretending she didn’t exist, it was a change. Maybe it would be easier if they could go back to that.

  “Nari, you’re staring.”

  She’d zoned out, her eyes tracing the contours of his chest. His gray shirt clung to him, showing her every dip and curve.