The N Word (Redefining Me #2)

by Michelle MacQueen

  “Nicky, go to your room. I’ll handle him.” Avery sighed. This was not how he’d wanted to spend his afternoon.

  “No. I’m sick of this.” Nicky shook his head. “Why are you always trying to change me, Pop?” Nicky asked. “You think because I like to kiss guys that somehow makes me less of one? News flash, Pop, gay doesn’t mean girly. It’s about the person, not stereotypes.”

  “Don’t talk to your father like that, Nicky. You’re too young to be making such a big decision.” Grayson’s hands trembled as he sipped from his hip flask. “I’ve seen how hard it is for the gays. I don’t want that for my boy. Nicky just needs to meet the right girl.”

  “You should hear yourself,” Avery said, leaning against the hood of his car, legs crossed at the ankle. “You sound like a bigot.”

  “No, he is a bigot,” Nicky said, hugging his arms around his middle like he needed to protect himself from his own father. “If you think it’s a choice, you’re even more pathetic than I thought.”

  “Nick-Nick…” Grayson swayed on his feet, looking lost. “I just don’t want that struggle for you, son. I want you to have a normal life. You’re just…too young, and you can’t come back from something like that. I’m a good dad. I am. I love my boys. I make sure you have everything you could ever want, and you throw it back in my face like you don’t even want it.” He flung his hand out at the car to make his point.

  “Normal?” Nicky’s face went bright red. “What makes you think the gays aren’t normal?”

  “Why don’t you drive your car, Nicky? I went to so much trouble to find it for you. I thought it would help.”

  “Help with what, Pop? I’m not broken. There is nothing wrong with me, damn it.”

  “Stop, Nicky.” Avery held up his hand. “There’s no use arguing with him. He’s just a drunk.”

  “I am not a drunk.” Grayson’s eyes grew wide, like his son had just slapped him.

  “You need to sell this car, Pop. Nicky hates it. If you knew him at all, you would know he prefers simple things. And if you care about him at all, you will stop treating him like shit for being who he is.”

  “You don’t like the car?” Grayson turned toward Nicky. “I thought you’d love it.”

  “You let me pick out my car, Pop,” Avery reminded him. “You took me car shopping on my sixteenth birthday and let me choose.”

  “But when it was my turn, you rolled up in this douche-mobile talking about how all the girls would be all over me,” Nicky said. “Who wants a date who only likes you for your car? Do you even know me, Pop? That is not what I’m about.”

  “But you loved the movies when you were a kid,” Grayson said, scratching his head in confusion.

  “What the hell is he talking about?” Nicky looked to Avery for answers.

  “Oh,” Avery said, pushing off the side of his car. He got it now. “Nicky, Pop didn’t buy you this hideous yellow car because he thought you needed help getting girls. He bought it because you loved the Transformers movies when you were a kid. You were obsessed with Bumblebee.” It was kind of sweet in a weird way. It was totally something their father would have done sober, but drunk Pop had managed to screw it up.

  Nicky’s face paled, and he looked like he was going to be sick.

  “I’m sorry, Nick-Nick. We’ll sell the car and get you something you like.” Grayson’s shoulders slumped in defeat.

  “Pop, when are you going to do something to help yourself?” Nicky asked. “I’d take that any day over a car or anything else you could buy me.”

  “I’m all right, Nick-Nick. Just going through a rough patch.”

  “No, Pop. You aren’t,” Avery said. “You haven’t been all right in a long time. What’s it going to take to get through to you? What’s your rock bottom going to look like, Pop? You don’t have that far to fall, so what’s your plan when you get there? Because I don’t think we’re all going to be there to pull you out. We’re just tired. So freaking tired of this shit storm our family has become.”

  Grayson stared at his sons, blinking in surprise before he turned and shuffled back into his workshop and slammed the door.

  “Come on, Nicky. Let’s get out of here. Take the keys to Bumblebee with you. The last thing he needs is another DUI.”

  “Where are we going?” Nicky asked, his voice hollow. He sat with his eyes downcast and his hands twisting in his lap.

  Avery paused at the red light not sure what to do anymore. He wanted to protect his brother, but when his worst enemy was their own father, how could he possibly shield Nicky from that? Their home was supposed to be a safe place.

  There was one place that had always been his safe haven. Avery picked up his phone and typed out a quick text before the light changed.

  Avery: Bad day at home, can I hideout at your place for a while? Me and Nicky?

  Beckett: Sure, you know you guys are always welcome. I’ll meet you there in a few. Just left work.

  “We’re meeting Becks at his house,” Avery said, taking a right turn at the light to head back across town.

  “Sure. Whatever,” Nicky said.

  “You know those things Pop says,” Avery started.

  “Don’t try to tell me he doesn’t mean it.”

  “I don’t even pretend to know what goes through his head anymore. I just… You don’t think I think that way. About you?” Avery winced. He wasn’t any more articulate than their drunk father.

  “I guess, until the last couple of days, I didn’t really know what you thought.” Nicky shrugged. “You never said much about it when I came out.”

  “Nicky. I…” Avery gripped the wheel as he drove, trying to think of the words his brother needed to hear. “When you came out last year, I was barely keeping it together.”

  “You lost your best friend, I know you were dealing with your own shit.” Nicky sighed.

  “That night… I lost Coop in more ways than one. And I was so angry. So freaking angry I pushed everyone away. I couldn’t remember anything about that night. Between the booze and the accident, the whole thing was a blur. Nothing in the papers matched what I thought I knew about what happened on that bridge.”

  “You changed after Coop’s funeral,” Nicky said. “You turned into a first-class douche-nugget. Especially after you started dating Meghan.”

  Avery laughed. “Yeah, I suppose I did, but these last few months, It’s like I’m finally coming up for air. I feel more like me again.”

  “What changed?” Nicky asked, shifting in his seat to face Avery.

  “You remember a couple of months ago when I had Saturday detention?”

  “Yeah, Mom grounded you for two weeks for fighting at school. She was so pissed you hit Cam.”

  “Well, I had detention with Peyton and Cam, so I was forced into this situation with two people I used to be friends with that I hated.”

  “Why would you hate them? They’re like the nicest people in the world.”

  “Peyton kicked us out of the party that night. We wouldn’t have been in that car if she’d kept her cool. But all this time, I blamed Cam for Cooper’s death. I remember Cam was the one driving that night. I remember it so clearly, but I overheard Peyton and Cam talking in the principal’s office and found out Coop was the one drinking and driving that night. My best friend put all of our lives at risk without a second thought. It’s his own damn fault he died and ruined Cam’s shot at the Olympics. It just gutted me, man. I have a lot of lingering bad shit in my head when it comes to Coop. We were best friends, but he wasn’t always the golden boy of Twin Rivers like everyone thought he was. Coop had a darker side, especially when he drank, and that night, he was worse than I’d ever seen him. It was one reason I was so drunk at that party, I didn’t know how to handle him anymore.”

  “Why are you telling me all this now?” Nicky asked.

  “I want you to understand where I’ve been, so caught up in my own pain, I didn’t have anything left over for you, Nicky. And I’m so sorry for that.”r />
  “It’s okay, man. I get it.” Nicky fiddled with his jacket zipper, looking out the window.

  “No, it’s not okay, little man. But knowing what actually happened that night has helped me get my shit together—well, at least I’m working on it now. I wasn’t there for you when you came out, but I’m here for you now, and I will never let Pop talk to you like that again.”

  Nicky nodded. “Thanks, bro, that means a lot.”

  “You’re one of the bravest people I know, Nicky. But if you ever need me, I’ve got your back.”

  “Okay, we’re good, Ave.” Nicky laughed. “Enough with the emotional shit already.”

  “All right, let’s go find Becks.”

  “What’s your poison, boys?” Becks asked, his head buried in the refrigerator. “We’ve got some fresh-brewed blueberry Kombucha.” He popped his head back out of the fridge.

  “Don’t listen to him, Nicky, it tastes like piss,” Avery said.

  “It’s an acquired taste, and it’s good for digestion.”

  “That doesn’t change the taste, Becks.” Avery took a seat at the kitchen counter beside Nicky.

  “Okay, I’ve got sparkling water, Diet Coke, and I think there’s some Kool-Aid in here somewhere. And beer, but I’m guessing that’s a no for you guys.”

  “Definitely a no,” Nicky said. “How about water?”

  “I…don’t have bottled water.” Becks’ shoulders sagged. “I have iced tea?”

  “Tea’s good.” Avery laughed. There was something about his friend that always set him at ease. He could already feel the tension of the afternoon leaving his body, and Nicky seemed more relaxed too.

  “Nice outfit, but what’s with the apron?” Nicky asked as Becks poured three glasses of iced tea. Becks was sporting black sweatpants and a blue T-shirt with an orange apron that read ”Kiss the cook.”

  “You are in for a treat, Nicky, my friend. You’re in the presence of an award-winning grill master.” Becks took a bow.

  “A junior blue ribbon at the county fair three years ago isn’t exactly award winning,” Avery said.

  “Liar.” Becks brandished his barbecue fork at him. “It was second place.”

  “He does cook a good steak.”

  “That’s more like it.” He turned his fork on Nicky. “Don’t break my heart and tell me you’re a vegan or some sort of pescatarian—whatever that is—because I don’t think we could be friends.” Becks winked. “Okay, we probably could be, but you’d go pretty hungry in my house.”

  “I’m starving,” Nicky said. “And I’ll eat just about anything.”

  “First a toast.” Becks raised his glass. “To our shitty parents and their even shittier ways.”

  “Cheers to that,” Nicky murmured.

  “I have a deadbeat mom, so I get it,” Becks said in his serious voice. “She likes the pills. She once left me and Wylder in the car to go meet her dealer and then forgot where she parked. Took her an hour to find us. Dad took us and left not long after, and I now have a pretty awesome stepmom. But bio mom comes around every so often claiming to be clean. It’s usually BS, and she’s just looking for money.”

  That was the thing Avery liked the most about his friend. He knew what having an addict for a parent was like, and he never asked questions when Avery needed an escape. Becks was always there to take his mind off everything.

  “Let’s go boys, I got the fire pit going out back, and we have the house to ourselves while the parents are closing up the hardware store and Wylder is off doing who knows what with her little brat pack.”

  Avery and Nicky followed Becks to the rear deck where lounge seats circled a blazing fire in a stone pit.

  “Avery, have a seat while I throw some steaks and veggies on the grill. Nicholas, I need your assistance—I can call you Nicholas, right?”

  “It’s not my name, but whatever.” Nicky’s face flushed pink, and Avery wondered if his brother might have a little bit of a crush on Becks.

  “What’s Nicky short for?”

  “Uh, Nicky.” He shrugged with a laugh.

  “I’m going to call you Nicholas,” Becks continued. “I need you to make the veggie kabobs while I work on the steaks so everything gets done about the same time. I’d make Avery help, but he isn’t allowed near my grill. He almost blew us up last time.”

  “Did not.”

  “Did too. I was in the kitchen and asked him to come light the grill. I look out the window and your brother is inside a freaking fireball.”

  “What?” Nicky laughed, spearing the veggies on kabob sticks.

  “It was just a flash,” Avery said.

  “A flash that singed your eyebrows and damn near gave me a stroke. I’m too delicate for that kind of stress.”

  “Delicate, my ass.” Avery swatted his friend with a dishtowel.

  “Okay, so I have one rule—”

  “Besides the one about Avery not using the grill?” Nicky asked.

  “Okay, I have two rules,” Becks said. “This is steak club. No one talks about heavy shit at steak club. No shitty parents or even shittier ex-girlfriends.” He pointed his fork at Avery again.

  “This is a stress-free zone for at least a few hours, so I just have one question for Nicky.”

  “Shoot,” Nicky said, wiping his hands on the dish towel.

  “What is with that ridiculous car you drive?”

  “Pick another question, Becks.” Avery and Nicky laughed.

  “All right then, this one’s for Avery. What are you doing tutoring Nari?”

  “What?” Nicky turned to face his brother.

  “Where did you hear that?” Avery frowned.

  “A little birdy told me. You know I hear everything.”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “Wait,” Nicky said. “Nari doesn’t need a tutor—and even if she did, she sure as hell wouldn’t pick you.”

  “We’re not talking about this.” Avery moved to put another log on the fire. “End of discussion.”

  “Avery, she is my friend. I swear if you do anything to hurt her—”

  “Then me and Nicky are going to have words with you, man,” Becks said. “Nari is a sweet girl. She’s not like those girls you date. Chicks like Meghan act like they’re eighteen going on thirty, but Nari is the real deal. She doesn’t deserve to be used to make Meghan jealous. She deserves a guy who wants to treat her well, and you’re just not that guy, Avery.”

  9

  Nari

  I have to do something today. Something I’m not sure I want to do. In fact, it downright scares me. See, I’ve always wanted to stay invisible. If no one sees me, they won’t notice how I stumble over my words or how I’d rather live in a fictional world than the real one. But now, everyone will look at me. They’re going to laugh, and I’m not sure I can handle that.

  I know, I know. I’ve told you before that I have a secret identity that puts me in the spotlight. No, I still won’t say what that is, only that it’s different. It isn’t me. During those times, I get to be somebody else. But today, when I’m doing this thing I don’t want to do, there won’t be another life to hide behind. I guess what I’m trying to say is wish me luck. If you don’t hear from me again, it’s probably because I’ve died of embarrassment.

  —@KeyboardingIsLife #AlwaysHiding

  Nari read over her words one final time before hitting the post button. As it did every time she used the No BS app, the tension wriggled free of her body. She’d gotten in the habit of posting often even before knowing her best friend created the safe place to say anything on her mind. The people behind those screen names understood her.

  Yes, yes, she wasn’t an idiot. She knew they were the same kids who walked through the halls of Twin Rivers High. Some of them might have been her tormentors themselves. But it didn’t matter because the words they wrote in their posts were real, honest, raw.

  She leaned her head on her arm as she scrolled through posts on her home page. She didn’t k
now how long she’d been lying on her bed before her mother burst in.

  “Nari.” She threw a dish towel over her shoulder and crossed her arms. “If you aren’t working on schoolwork, then you’re just wasting time.”

  Nari sighed. Yes, far be it from her to read and try to feel as if she fit in. If she voiced that thought to her mother, she’d get some response about how she wasn’t meant to fit in. She was special.

  Nari didn’t feel special.

  When she’d told her mom Avery was coming over to tutor her, she swore her mom almost leaped for joy. That would’ve been a sight. Apparently, those St. Germaine kids could do no wrong. She’d never even questioned Avery’s ability to teach Nari.

  Becks had. She didn’t know why she told him, but it was better than letting Peyton and Cam know she was about to hang out with the guy who’d ditched them two years before. Beckett had dipped his head to meet her eyes, searching for something she didn’t know. She almost lost herself in the beauty of his gaze. She didn’t have feelings for Becks, but he was sure something to look at. And he was worried, protective, even though Avery was his best friend.

  Maybe Nari had just wanted someone to know in case she didn’t come out of this tutoring session—this kiss—alive.

  Okay, now she was just being dramatic.

  She glanced at the clock, realizing Avery was half an hour late.

  Rolling from her bed, she faced her mom. “I’m sorry, Umma. Would you like some help cleaning up from dinner?”

  She’d excused Nari from her chores, claiming schoolwork was more important.

  “No. You have a piano piece to practice before Mr. Chen comes back in two days.”

  Mr. Chen was the ever-serious man who’d taught Nari everything she knew about classical music. It was in spite of him, not because of him, that she loved playing so much. Not his dry, technically advanced pieces. No, she preferred Becks’ more vibrant songs. Nari had even written the piano pieces for a few of them. She’d never tell her mother that, though.