The N Word (Redefining Me #2)

by Michelle MacQueen

  Avery took one step toward the stage, and Nari bolted.

  “Give her a minute,” Nicky said, but Avery was already following her onto the back deck.

  “Are you okay?” Julian asked, his hand resting on Nari’s shoulder.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” Nari leaned into him.

  “What is this?” Avery charged across the deck, anger and jealousy warring inside him. Avery wanted to rip Julian’s throat out. After all this time, he thought they could have something real and all along, she’d had a thing for Julian? His hands curled into fists at his side. “You’re not good enough for her.”

  “Yeah, and you are?” Julian shot back.

  “Hey, asshole?” Becks shouted through the back door. “Yeah, I’m talking to you, Avery St. Germaine. You’re way off.” Becks pulled him away before he could do something he’d regret. “They’re just bandmates, Avery,” Becks whispered. “Now get your shit under control and apologize to Julian before you lose the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

  Avery glanced at Nari who was looking at him like she didn’t know him at all.

  “I’m sorry, Julian.” Avery pulled away from Becks’ grip. “I overreacted seeing you two together.”

  Nari stood behind Julian, her arms crossed over her chest and her breath coming out in a puffy white cloud.

  “Nari, you were incredible up there. I know I’m the last person you want to talk to right now. But I get it. You feel like no one would understand this side of you, but I do, Nari. You were born to play music. Every time I hear you play, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. The people who love you would never hold you back or make you think you can’t be this bad-ass rocker girl and the sweet quiet girl who’s terrible at math and refuses to swear.”

  “Avery,” Nari murmured. “I—I don’t think I can talk to you right now. You were so angry. Over nothing. I was just standing here with a friend and you… You looked just like your dad, and that scares the hell out of me.”

  “Nari?” Avery stumbled back. Her words gutted him.

  “Let’s go, Avery.” Nicky pulled him back inside the party. Once inside, Avery darted through the crowd, his thoughts reeling with the echo of Nari’s words. You’re just like your dad. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard it, but it was the first time he believed it. Most people said it as a compliment. But Nari was right. He was just like his dad—in all the worst ways.

  Avery stumbled into the dining room where a makeshift bar was set up on a long, glossy dining room table that could easily seat twenty. He poured himself a double shot of whisky and downed it in one gulp. He filled the cut glass tumbler with ice and more whisky and shuffled through the crowded living room to the empty foyer. What did it matter that he’d quit drinking after Cooper’s death? If he was destined to be just like his father, he might as well let it happen.

  “Avery, what are you doing here?” A familiar voice cut through the loud music pumping through the speakers in the hall.

  “Addison.” Avery shrugged, dropping to sit on the stairs beside her. “Self-destructing, how about you?” Avery took a long sip of his drink. “Why are you out here all alone? At a Defiance Academy party?”

  “Put that down, Avery St. Germaine. You don’t need alcohol to screw things up for yourself. You do a fine job of that on your own.”

  “Tell me about it. Did you see my girlfriend run away from me? Apparently, I’m just like my drunk father.” He lifted his glass up before taking another sip. “I scared her.”

  “You’re pushing her too hard, Avery,” Addison said.

  “I’ve been so patient. You have no idea.”

  “You are such an idiot.” Addison smacked him on the back of his head and took his drink. “Nari hates our world, but you drag her to that lunch table every day. You’re expecting her to acclimate to your world when that’s the last place she wants to be.”

  “What am I supposed to do, Addie? I want to be with her, but I don’t know how to make this work.”

  “Remember the Nari we grew up with? The sweet little girl who would rather stay home with her best friends than go anywhere else. She clammed up whenever other people were around, but with us, she was a riot. She needs to be comfortable in her own environment, and if you really want to be with her, you might need to acclimate to her life and stop trying to make her into Meghan.”

  “What? Meghan Lewis is the absolute last thing I want.”

  “But you expect Nari to step into her role as your girlfriend in the spotlight, while nothing changes for you, but everything changes for her. She is good for you, Avery. But she needs you to be good for her too. I saw it on Christmas Eve at the diner with you guys. She was happy. In her element with a guy she really likes. Be that guy for her, and give her some time to step into your world on her own terms.”

  “It might be too late for that.” Avery hung his head. “I really screwed things up tonight.”

  “Our little Nari grew up to be a bad-ass little rock star, didn’t she?” Addison said.

  “Who knew?” Avery threw his hands up.

  “There you are.” Nicky shot across the foyer to the stairs. “We need to go.”

  “What happened, we get kicked out?”

  “The guy who lives here is a little pissed we gate-crashed his party. He hired Becks because apparently Anonymous is the best, but he made it clear we aren’t welcome.”

  Nicky stooped to help Addison up and Avery helped her with her crutches.

  “Thanks, guys. I guess chivalry isn’t dead yet.”

  “You need a ride, Addie?” Avery asked.

  “Not if you’re driving.”

  “I’m driving, and I’m sober for life after the last time.” Nicky herded them toward the door.

  “Wait, who were you here with?” Avery asked, turning to Addie on the front porch.

  “No one important.” She hobbled down the stairs. “The asshole was pissed I couldn’t dance.” She held her crutches out. “I thought that was rather obvious given the state of my foot. So, I ditched him and was waiting on an Uber when you showed up.”

  “So, shitty night all around?” Nicky asked.

  “So shitty,” Addison and Avery said together.

  17

  Nari

  Too many people knew.

  Nari waited all morning to hear gossip about the nerd girl who liked to pretend she was something else on stage. She knew the words they’d use would be vicious, but she’d promised herself not to let them cut her.

  If only her heart would listen to her mind. As she imagined what the kids in the halls would say when Addison or Avery or one of the many people who knew her secret told them, her stomach clenched.

  She’d sat at the back of each morning class wishing she could be anywhere else, but none of it was the same as walking into the lunchroom. Even if they didn’t yet know of her extracurricular activities, there was that stupid nickname for her and Avery. Navery. What was that? They’d been together a few weeks. To her face, the golden people of Twin Rivers High acted like she didn’t belong. But behind her back, the regular people rooted for their relationship? She called that The Avery Effect. Even her fellow nerds wanted to watch the jock’s romance play out in front of them.

  News flash, people. It wasn’t a romance.

  Or, maybe it was. Before Friday night, Nari thought she could melt back into obscurity. That Avery would finally leave her alone to get over the stupid feelings she didn’t want to have.

  But then he’d shown up at the party. He could have gotten himself beat up just for being there around Defiance Academy kids. Yet, he hadn’t seemed to care.

  She leaned against her locker and closed her eyes, trying to shake the image of his blazing irises as he approached Julian. Had he been jealous? She shook her head. No, jealousy implied he felt something for her too.

  Her gut twisted when she thought of how she’d treated him. Before Avery, Nari had rarely been mean to anyone. She hadn’t meant for the words to come ou
t so harshly, but she couldn’t seem to control herself around him.

  That was when she’d made up her mind. She had to apologize. It was the only way for them both to get over her dumping him in front of everyone and then yelling at him at a party. She didn’t want to feel guilty anymore. Once she apologized, she could move on.

  Simple.

  She closed her locker and turned on her heel, marching toward the lunchroom and preparing to meet the curious, maybe scornful, gazes of her classmates. As she drew closer, nausea overcame her, and she bolted toward the bathroom instead, throwing open the swinging door and barreling into one of the stalls before bending over the toilet.

  Nothing came out, but she stayed in her position, trying to control her breathing.

  Footsteps came her way, and she slid the stall door shut, not wanting anyone to see her this way.

  “Really, Addie,” Meghan said. “I don’t know why you didn’t stay at that party on Friday. Your date was totally hot, and I heard it was an awesome party. Had a good band, right?”

  Nari froze as Addison chuckled.

  “What’s so funny?” Meghan asked. Nari could almost hear her scowl as someone turned the sink on.

  “The band was amazing.” Addison sighed. “My date, not so much. He was a bit too handsy, especially when I couldn’t do much dancing. He tried to get me to go upstairs with him.”

  Meghan laughed, the sound piercing Nari’s ear drums. “I don’t know why you’re such a prude, Addie. If he’s hot, why does it matter where he puts his hands?”

  Addison was quiet for a long moment. “Maybe he’s not the one I want.”

  “What was that?” Meghan asked as one of them shut off the water.

  “Nothing.” Addison sighed.

  “Well, I have news. I’ve decided to get back together with Avery.”

  Nari sucked in a breath, hating how much pain those words caused.

  Addison hummed low in her throat. “Sure.” She didn’t sound as if she believed it. “What about Drew?”

  “Oh, he was only a way to get back at Avery for dumping me. I think he’s served his purpose well. Anyway, I’ve got to jet. Can’t be late to see my man at lunch.”

  When she gained control of her breathing, Nari straightened and stepped from the stall, freezing as she caught Addison’s gaze in the mirror. Addie only raised a brow as she finished fixing her lip gloss.

  Nari turned to the door, but Addison stuck out a crutch to block her way.

  Nari ran a sweaty hand over the top of her ponytail and down the arm of her green sweater, just needing to do something.

  Addison tapped her foot, leaning on her second crutch.

  Finally meeting her gaze, Nari sighed. “What do you want, Addie?”

  “I want you to stop listening to people like Meghan.”

  Nari took a step back, her words faltering. “Um…w-what?”

  “Look, Nari, I know we aren’t friends anymore, and I know that’s my fault, but I’d like to think you can still trust me.”

  “Can I? You’ve kind of turned into one of them.” She gestured toward the door Meghan left out of.

  Addison pursed her lips. “So has Avery.”

  “I know. And Avery and I aren’t friends. We aren’t anything.”

  “That didn’t look like nothing when you were eating lunch with us for weeks or kissing him in the halls.”

  “It was all fake.” The words tumbled out of Nari before she could stop them, and she clapped a hand over her mouth. “What I mean was—”

  “You were pretending to date Avery?” Addison raised a brow. “Do I look like an idiot? There was a time I knew you two better than almost anyone.”

  Nari lowered her hand. “But you don’t anymore. You don’t know anything about me.”

  “Did you know that Cooper used to make fun of Avery for spending so much time with you? He called you guys Navery long before the kids in this school did.”

  Nari’s brow creased. She hadn’t known that.

  Addison continued. “And you know what Avery would tell him? He’d say you were going to do a lot better than him one day.” She dipped her head to lock eyes with Nari. “But right now, I’m not sure there is anyone better than him. At least for you. You have feelings for him, don’t you?”

  Nari lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “I’m trying not to.”

  “Why?”

  “He’s Avery St. Germaine. I’m nobody.”

  “You’re Nari Won Song, secret rock star and the most important person to Avery right now. You didn’t see him after he talked to you at the party. Everyone has heard about the No BS thing. It’s crushing him that you don’t trust him.”

  A tear slid down Nari’s face, and she brushed it away. “I don’t know if I can, Addie. But I also don’t know if I want to lose him from my life. He was my best friend once, and I’m not sure anyone understands how nice it was to have that again.”

  Sadness flashed across Addison’s face. “I probably get it more than you think I do. You and Peyton were my best friends. Christmas Eve at the diner was…” She shook her head. “No, this is about you.”

  “Addie.” Nari stepped toward her, but Addison put a hand up.

  “Let’s fix this Avery thing first, then maybe one day we can fix the rest of us.”

  Nari nodded. “The only thing I know right now is I want to be his friend.”

  “Then be his friend. Show him you’re there for him no matter what. And for God’s sake, tell him it’s an idiotic idea to get back together with Meghan just because he’s hurting over you.”

  “Do you really think he would?”

  Addison shrugged. “Come on.” She nudged Nari with a crutch and gestured to the door. “You can start being his friend by sitting with us at lunch.”

  Outside the bathroom, an underclassman waited with an armful of books and a backpack Nari recognized as Addison’s.

  Nari looked to Addison in question.

  She sighed. “Meghan is forcing poor Garrett here to follow me around and carry my books.”

  “For how long?”

  Addison shrugged. “I guess as long as I’m on crutches.” She smiled at Garrett, and Nari would have sworn the kid was going to pass out. Any pity she felt for him was gone as she watched his cheeks heat. The kid was enjoying his book duty.

  Addison moved as quickly as she could on two crutches, leading them to the lunchroom. She used the poles to push through the swarm of students. Garrett followed close behind.

  The usual people were at the table when they arrived. Everyone except Avery. Nari looked to Becks in question, but he only shrugged and pulled out the chair next to him for her to sit.

  Meghan scowled. “Ugh, can’t we go one day without charity work?”

  Her words reminded Nari of the comment under the picture of Nari and Avery’s first kiss. But she didn’t let them bother her. Not today. Not when she wanted to find Avery and tell him she was sorry, that she forgave him, and that she wanted to be friends.

  Addison slammed one of her crutches against the table and leaned forward. “Like you would ever do charity work. Leave her alone, Meghan.”

  Everyone at the table stilled.

  Meghan’s face grew redder and redder as she stared at her friend. “Watch what you’re doing, Addie, dear, or you’ll find yourself a few rungs lower at this school.”

  Addison laughed. “As if I care. I was happier before I started following you around like a demented dog.”

  A few of the football players barked out laughs.

  Meghan rose from her chair. “You mean before you rejected Cooper so he left a party and got himself killed?”

  Nari’s eyes widened. She’d never heard about Addison rejecting Cooper before the accident, but she didn’t know if she could believe Meghan. She did, however, believe the tears in Addison’s eyes.

  “That’s enough, Meghan,” Becks snapped.

  Addison opened her mouth to speak again but shut it when no words came. Her knuckles turned wh
ite where she gripped the rubber handles of her crutches.

  Two boys came up behind her, probably having heard the high-pitched keening of Meghan’s insult. Julian said something to Addison no one else could hear, but Avery’s eyes burned into Meghan.

  “Avery.” Meghan smiled her soul-sucking smile. “Where have you been, baby?” She rounded the table to stand at his side and grip his arm.

  He took his hand and removed her hold finger by finger. “I’m not your baby. You need help, Meghan.” He shook his head, scanning the rest of his so-called friends at the table. “And the rest of you sit there and laugh. Classic. You know what? I’m done.” He blew out a breath. “I tried to fit into this world after Cooper died, but it’s not worth it.”

  He threw his hands into the air and stalked from the room.

  Nari didn’t hesitate before running after him. Once in the empty hall, she called his name. “Avery.”

  He stopped, keeping his back to her. “I’m sorry, Nari. I had to get out of there, but I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to drag you into this mess.”

  She caught up to him and crossed to stand in front of him. “I’m sorry too.”

  His brow creased. “You have no reason to be sorry.”

  “I do. I was a…a…”

  “Poop?” He grinned, using her lame term.

  Her lips curved up. “Yeah, a total poop. I shouldn’t have just stopped talking to you. I know seeing my screen name was an accident.”

  “But I should have told you.”

  “Yes, you should have. And I should have never said you were like your father. Because you’re not, Avery. I used to think you’d turned into this jerk, but I was wrong. You’ve just been in pain like the rest of us.”

  He laughed at that, and Nari’s brow furrowed in confusion.

  “I’m sorry, it’s just… Today, I did the most un-jerk-like thing, and you didn’t even get to see it.”

  “What did you do?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, it wasn’t my idea. Addison said I’d made a mistake making you feel like you had to come into my world completely, so I decided to enter yours.”