The Marry-Me Wish

by Alison Roberts

  ‘Sinus rhythm.’ He could hear the triumph in Anne’s voice behind him as she noted the normal activity in the small heart they’d just restarted.

  He couldn’t share the triumph. Utter defeat was dragging at his spirits. So much so that David left that operating theatre wishing fervently that he would never have to hear Anne Bennett’s voice again.

  CHAPTER TWO

  ‘DON’T cry, Annie. Please don’t cry. You never cry.’

  ‘It’s hormones.’ Anne gave a huge, gulping sniff and pulled back from her sister’s fierce hug. ‘It was just…he looked like he hated me, Jules.’

  ‘He doesn’t hate you. He just doesn’t understand what’s going on.’

  ‘I should have told him.’

  A tiny silence. Long enough to let Anne know that Julia agreed. But how could she have told David? His emails had been infrequent and, oh, so polite. The ‘I hope everything’s going as well for you as it is for me’ kind of communication. He had been getting settled into a new job and a new country. Getting over her. There just hadn’t been a good moment to drop in the ‘I decided to be a surrogate mother for my sister and I’m pregnant with twins’ kind of message.

  ‘Here, come inside.’ Julia was tugging Anne into the little house she shared with Mac on a bush-covered hillside overlooking the harbour. Into the kitchen with its old wooden cupboards and enamel sink and a wide window with a view to die for with one of the larger harbour islands centre stage. ‘Sit down. I’m going to make us a cup of tea. Unless you’d like something stronger?’

  Anne shook her head, grabbing a handful of tissues as she passed the box on the end of the bench. She’d been alcohol free for nine months now. They all had, in a kind of supportive pact, and this was no reason to break that pact. No reason to feel like the world had ended.

  This time Anne blew her nose far more effectively. She wiped her eyes with more tissues and took a deep, steadying breath. Then she sat down, buried her face in her hands and groaned.

  ‘It couldn’t have been worse, you know? There we were with a critically ill child between us and he was looking at my bump and then he looked up and… Oh, God…it was like I’d slapped his face in public or something.’

  ‘You just need to talk to him. You can tell him it was at least partly his idea all along.’

  ‘What?’ Startled, Anne raised her head to watch Julia as she busied herself at the bench, making the tea.

  ‘Remember back when we were first talking about this whole surrogacy thing?’ Julia poured boiling water into the teapot and put the lid on it. ‘When you were trying to persuade me and Mac to accept your incredible wedding gift?’

  ‘Yeah…I guess. Seems a long time ago.’

  Julia brought the teapot and mugs to the table. ‘You said that Dave had told you over and over again that you could be missing the most amazing experience of your life by not wanting to be a mother. That you would regret it one day.’

  Anne sighed as she nodded slowly. ‘And I told you that part of all that angst had taken root and while it hadn’t changed my mind about trying to juggle a career with being a parent, he could be right about the experience of being pregnant and giving birth.’

  ‘So there you go.’ Julia’s smile was encouraging, albeit still worried. ‘You said you’d found the perfect compromise. You get the whole experience and get to watch babies growing up but you can be an aunty and not a mum.’ She bit her lip. ‘Do you still feel like that?’

  ‘Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?’

  ‘Because you’ve seen David again and you’re so upset. You still love him, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course I do,’ Anne repeated, her tone hollow. ‘I’ll always love him but it would never have worked. He’s desperate for a family and I can’t give him that. We both knew it wouldn’t be enough, not having one. He would have ended up resenting me.’

  ‘I thought that about Mac and look what happened.’

  ‘Mac adores you.’

  ‘Maybe David feels the same way about you.’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ Anne could feel her face settle into grim lines as she picked up the mug of tea Julia had poured. ‘If he did, he wouldn’t have agreed it was time to pull the plug. He wouldn’t have gone off to start a new life on the other side of the globe. He wouldn’t have sent horrible, polite emails that sounded like they were coming from a stranger. And he certainly wouldn’t have been looking at me today as if I’d just stuck a knife in his heart.’

  ‘Oh, Annie…’ Julia leaned over the corner of the table to give her sister another hug and, as she did so, a door banged from outside the kitchen.

  ‘Is that Annie’s car out there?’ The delight in the male voice changed to concern as Mac entered the kitchen. ‘Oh, no,…what’s happened? Are you all right, Annie?’

  ‘Yes, I’m fine,’ Anne said, and burst into tears again.

  Mac was by her side in an instant, his face stricken. She could feel his concern wrap around her like a blanket. It was partly the close bond they’d made in the last year but she could feel another part. Professional concern. As a paramedic, like Julia, he was assessing her physical condition. Looking for reasons for this highly unusual breakdown.

  ‘It’s hormones, that’s all,’ she sobbed. ‘Take no notice of me.’

  The box of tissues materialised beside her on the table and, as she reached for a fresh handful, Anne could see Mac looking at his wife with a question in his eyes.

  ‘David turned up at the hospital today,’ Julia told him. ‘He saw Anne but she didn’t get a chance to tell him why she’s pregnant.’

  ‘Ohhh…’ Mac dragged out another chair and sat down right beside Anne. He squeezed her arm. ‘And you think he thinks you’ve gone from breaking up with him to start a family with some other bloke.’

  If Mac could see it so clearly it was a no-brainer, wasn’t it? She should have told him. Why had she been so stupid? Because she’d been stamping so hard on any of those fantasies where he turned up in her life again and said he couldn’t live without her? She had been trying to be realistic. Trying not to expect to ever see him again. Getting on with her life. Giving the only other people in the world she loved this much of a gift.

  ‘Well, that’s easily fixed.’ Mac sounded satisfied. ‘You just need to talk to him. And if that’s too hard, I could talk to him. Bloke to bloke, you know.’

  Anne shook her head. ‘It won’t help. He’ll think if I could get pregnant for you guys I should have done it for him. That’s why I never told him in the first place. He wasn’t meant to know anything about this.’

  A silence fell over the small group.

  ‘You know…’ Julia sounded tentative. ‘There could be another way around this.’ She had been staring into the depths of her mug but now she looked up at Anne. ‘I could give you what you’ve given me and Mac. A…chance at a family.’

  Both Mac and Anne were staring at her. Anne felt a fond smile tug at her lips. They were so different. She was tall and dark and Julia was like a little imp with spiky blonde hair. And thanks to the unusual circumstances of their childhoods, not to mention the trauma of going through the hysterectomy Julia had had to have when she had only been in her early twenties, they were far closer than most sisters ever got to be. She loved Julia with all her heart but that familiar, determined light glowing in her eyes right now would have to be dampened.

  ‘I don’t think so, hon,’ she said gently.

  ‘I’m going to be at home with the twins.’ Julia was undeterred by the soft warning in Anne’s tone. ‘I’m happy to be giving up work to be a full-time mum. Couldn’t be happier. I’ll be at home for years and years and what could be better than having cousins around for our two?’

  ‘A kind of blended family…’ Mac was absorbing her idea. ‘You know, it might work. Jules is an aunty so it wouldn’t be like having nannies that didn’t love your kids as much as you do. She’s going to be the best mum in the world, I can guarantee that.’

  Mac was smi
ling. Anne could see the way his gaze was drawn irresistibly to Julia’s. The way it held.

  She knew that look. That kind of bond you could only get with the love of your life.

  The kind of bond she and David had had. Way back. Before there had been any question of just how disparate they saw their future paths in life.

  She missed that bond.

  Here she was, sitting with the people she loved most in the world. About to have an experience they’d all been dreaming about for so long, and she’d never felt so utterly miserable.

  So lonely.

  It was too much. Something deep inside her snapped.

  She pushed her barely touched mug of tea away so sharply it slopped onto the table. Her voice came out high and tight.

  ‘I don’t believe this,’ she said. ‘You’re both starting to sound exactly like David used to. Pressuring me into doing something I don’t want to do by finding ways around it.’

  She pushed herself to her feet, shaking her head with an angry gesture. ‘This is it. A one-off! Why won’t anyone understand that?’

  ‘We do understand,’ Julia said urgently. ‘I’m sorry, Annie. It was just—’

  Anne cut her off. The anger and misery were coalescing now. A volcano that had to erupt.

  ‘You don’t understand anything,’ she said bitterly. ‘How could you? You have no idea how hard it’s been to do my job ever since I got pregnant. Feeling rotten with morning sickness…being tired all the time. Having backache that’s been killing me every time I’ve been in Theatre for months and months.’

  Julia’s face had gone pale. Mac was standing up, looking unsure of whose side he should go to. His wife or the angry pregnant woman who was shouting at them both?

  Anne spared him having to make the decision. ‘I’m leaving,’ she announced. ‘And I don’t want to talk to either of you right now so don’t try and stop me.’ She got to the door but had to turn back for a parting shot. ‘You might be happy to give up your job to be a mother,’ she told her sister. ‘That’s great. Absolutely peachy. But that’s you, not me. I’m not happy to give up mine. I thought I’d manage a lot better than this but, if I’m being honest, it’s been extremely hard and I’m not doing it again. For you or David.’

  Julia’s face had crumpled now, on the verge of tears. Could this day get any worse? Anne closed her eyes.

  ‘Look…I’m sorry.’ She opened her eyes again and took a deep breath. ‘Blame it on the hormones. I chose to do this for you and I’m happy about it, honestly. Presenting David with a baby isn’t going to fix what went wrong. It’s…like you guys. A family has to be a bonus, not something to patch up a relationship that’s come apart.’

  Somehow they were all within hugging range again now. There were tears but the knowledge that they would all get through this and come out stronger on the other side.

  It was Anne who pulled away. ‘I really do need to go,’ she told them. ‘I’ve got a ton of stuff I have to get done. Nesting urge or something probably but I really do need to get to the supermarket and buy enough toilet paper to last the next six months.’

  Shaky laughter was following her as she headed for the door.

  ‘It’s bad luck that David’s happened to come back at this particular point,’ she added by way of farewell, ‘but I can deal with it.’ She smiled to prove it. ‘You’re both right. I just need to talk to him.’

  Weird that having an emergency department crowded with sick and injured people and a team of medical staff depending on his skills to make sure it was running smoothly enough that no one fell through any cracks had often seemed too stressful to be enjoyable.

  But this was great! Perfect.

  ‘Get Security to cubicle three,’ he instructed the receptionist.

  ‘Set up the trauma room for incoming patients from that MVA,’ he told a hovering nurse. ‘And Resus 1. Page the team. We’re expecting three status 1 and 2 patients.’

  David took just a moment to survey the spaces on the whiteboard beside the main triage area. ‘We need to juggle beds,’ he said to the registrar by his side. ‘I want Resus 2 clear if possible. Has Cardiology assessed that patient yet?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Chase them up. What about Orthopaedics for that neck of femur?’

  ‘She’s gone to X-Ray.’

  ‘Head injury in cubicle seven?’

  ‘Gone for a scan.’

  More staff were already streaming into the department in response to their pagers.

  ‘Incoming trauma?’ a young anaesthetist queried.

  David gestured towards the doors where ambulances could be seen, red and blue lights still flashing, turning to back up to the loading bay. With a nod to another knot of ED staff, already gowned and gloved, he moved to help intercept the incoming stretchers.

  For the next hour they were all too pushed to do any more than manage the most critical cases under their care. Troubleshooting bleeding that couldn’t be controlled. Fluid resuscitation. Airway management. Chest drains and fracture management. A fragile cardiac case that came hot on the heels of the road-accident victims. A baby with febrile seizures and a hysterical young mother whose sobbing could be heard from the other side of the department.

  Chaos. Controlled but exhausting.

  Yes. This was great.

  David was every bit as focused as Anne had been in Theatre yesterday. Totally committed to doing his job to the best of his ability. No worries about getting distracted, although somewhere in the back of his mind he knew an account was being registered and that there would be a price to pay for this escape.

  Another virtually sleepless night, probably, with the kind of emotional turmoil that was just as draining as running a large emergency department at full tilt, but he was quite prepared to pay that price.

  And, with a bit of luck, by the time this shift ended, he’d be too whacked to even care.

  Making another visit to the paediatric intensive care unit when his working day was finally over was pushing things a bit too far, really, but David could already feel that odd kind of calm that came when all reserves of adrenaline were depleted.

  The worst that could happen would be that he could find Anne in the unit, which would be unwelcome but quite manageable. Thanks to the windows in the doors and the fact that little Keiran’s space was almost opposite those doors, he would be able to see her before she could see him. He could simply turn around in that case and come back another time. It would be slightly more awkward if she arrived while he was there but, hey, it was a crowded area. As long as he avoided any direct eye contact, he would be fine.

  After all, what could she possibly do or say that would be any worse than yesterday?

  ‘You’ve just missed Dr Bennett,’ a nurse told him helpfully as he neared the desk. ‘She can’t be far away and she’d be able to update you better than me. Would you like me to page her?’

  ‘Good heavens, no.’ David gave the pretty, young nurse his most charming smile. ‘I’m sure she’s even keener than I am to get home and put her feet up.’

  ‘Mmm.’ The nurse’s cheeks had gone very pink. ‘It must be hard being at work when you get to that stage of pregnancy.’

  David’s smile felt as though it had been flicked off with a switch. ‘I’ll read the notes, if that’s okay. He’s looking good from here.’

  The nurse nodded. ‘Dr Bennett seemed very happy and she spent a bit of time reassuring his mother. Poor woman… She’s a single mother and he’s her only child and I don’t think she’s even closed her eyes since Keiran arrived in here.’

  David followed her line of vision to the woman who sat beside the small boy attached to the bank of monitoring equipment. Lines of anguish were ingrained on her face and her eyes were deeply shadowed. She looked up, as though sensing the attention she was under, and David smiled at her. A very different kind of smile this time. Sympathetic. Encouraging. One that put him in her corner.

  ‘I’ll have a chat to her when I’ve caught up on the
notes,’ he told the nurse.

  ‘See if you can persuade her to go to the cafeteria or something and get a meal. She needs a break.’

  David was happy to take on the mission. Having read all the documentation and reassured that Keiran was doing extremely well, he was able to add to his mother’s reassurance.

  ‘Looks like he might even come off the ventilator tomorrow and then they’ll be able to lighten the sedation and let him wake up. He’ll need you even more then, so it’s important that you look after yourself. Rest. Eat.’ David softened the commands with another smile. ‘Doctor’s orders.’

  Keiran’s mother nodded but she sounded vague. ‘I’ll go to the cafeteria,’ she promised. ‘I think I know where it is.’

  ‘Why don’t you come with me now? I’ll be walking right past it to go home and if you go now you won’t miss out on their macaroni cheese. It’s legendary.’

  ‘Is it?’ For the first time, David saw a hint of a smile. ‘That’s our favourite, me and Kerry.’

  ‘You’ll be able to tell him how good it is, then. Something for him to look forward to once he’s up on the ward. Come on.’

  ‘He won’t wake up, will he?’ Her frown deepened as she reached out to touch her son. ‘While I’m gone?’

  ‘No chance. He’s being kept asleep until he can breathe properly for himself. And he has his nurse right here. She’ll be with him the whole time.’

  ‘I will,’ the nurse assured her. ‘And I know where you’ll be. I can send for you if anything changes.’

  ‘Okay, then.’ This time David received a real smile. One that said he was trusted. ‘Let’s go now, before I change my mind.’

  The busy part of the day was well over now and the lighting in the corridors was dim. Visitors would start arriving for the evening hours soon but this was a hiatus where routine activity had ceased and, apart from emergencies, the hospital would rest until tomorrow. All was calm, including David. His critical patient from yesterday was doing well, he had avoided any unpleasant confrontation with the woman he didn’t want to see and any moment now he would be leaving the hospital grounds and heading for the safety of his own home.