I Want Your Love

by E. L. Todd

  I wasn’t on her mind.

  I sunk further into the couch and released a sigh. My life had become so miserable. Every time I opened my heart to someone it bit me in the ass. The more I loved, the more pain I experienced.

  Was I the only one?

  Only one relationship would ever be successful, and that was with your spouse. But I knew I would never find a girl to spend my life with. The only girls I wanted weren’t right for me. I had a sickness.

  I stared at the ceiling and counted the tiny grooves. After I reached a hundred and twenty I lost count. Then I started over because I had nothing else to do. Counting bumps on the ceiling was better than thinking about Lexie screwing her ex-husband.

  Maybe he wouldn’t be her ex much longer.

  My eyes moved to the corner where I saw a small spider. Insects never bothered me. As long as they didn’t crawl on me I usually left them alone. Besides, they would get the cockroaches.

  A knock on the door made me forget about the spider. It took my body a moment to respond. I didn’t have any energy to give up. Perhaps Beatrice had returned. She said she would come by.

  I sighed as I got up and approached the door. My shoulders slumped under the weight of my grief. If someone were here to mug me, I would help them take my possessions. After I found someone I loved and lost them, I realized how insignificant possessions were. My TV and PS4 never gave me joy. And they never would.

  I opened the door and expected to see Beatrice on the other side, the first woman I loved and the first woman who crushed me. But I was face-to-face with Jared, Lexie’s ex-husband.

  It took me a moment to process what I was seeing. Just a few hours ago I saw him at Lexie’s, shirtless and unkempt. Why would he come here? To gloat over his conquest, probably. “That’s low, man.”

  Jared put his hands in his pockets. He was my height but nowhere near my size. “I want you to know that nothing happened between Lexie and I. It wasn’t how it seemed.”

  “I’m not stupid, Jared. And what does it matter? Fuck her. I don’t give a damn.” I looked away as I said it, not wanting him to see the pain in my eyes. I refused to appear weak in front of an enemy.

  “But you do give a damn.”

  My gaze turned to his and I gave him a threatening look. “What the fuck do you want? If you want a dislocated jaw you came to the right place.”

  He raised his hands slightly. “I’m not here to pick a fight.”

  “Then why are you here? To compare notes?”

  “No.” He lowered his hands. “I love Lexie and I always will. I was an idiot and threw her away when I shouldn’t. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”

  “Are you trying to put me to sleep?”

  Jared ignored the comment. “We’ve been spending a lot of time together ever since you broke up. She’s been miserable, and I’ve been a friend to her.”

  “Taking advantage of her, you mean.”

  “No.” His tone didn’t change. “She ended the relationship because she saw you with your ex-girlfriend. She said it was clear you were back together, and when you didn’t tell her the truth it made her feel worse.”

  Lexie saw me with Beatrice?

  “She thinks you’re in love with your ex and she’ll never compete. I’m not sure if you know this or not, I’d be surprised if you haven’t figured it out, but Lexie is…in love with you.”

  “She is?” I blurted. “She never told me that…”

  He shrugged. “She assumed you didn’t feel the same way, especially since you’re with your ex all the time.”

  Everything was starting to make sense.

  “I told her to confront you about it instead of making assumptions but she refused to do it. So she’s been trying to get over you ever since.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  He shifted his weight. “A guy doesn’t fly all the way across the country just to see her give a speech. He doesn’t hold her close and silently threaten every guy who gives her the eye. He doesn’t spend every weekend with her and come to her beck and call. Unless…he’s in love with her.” He gave me a knowing look. “Am I wrong?”

  If Jared figured it out I’m surprised Lexie didn’t. “No…”

  “I didn’t think so. So, what’s the story with your ex?”

  “Her dad passed away. I’ve just been supporting her.” My mind drifted back to the moment when Beatrice showed up on my doorstep in tears. Lexie must have come back and saw us together.

  “There’s nothing going on between you?”

  “No,” I blurted.

  “I’m glad I cleared that up.”

  The weight of the situation fell on me. Lexie wasn’t sleeping with Jared. She was spending time with him for the same reason I was spending time with Beatrice. She pushed me away because she thought I was with someone else. Everything was coming together. “So…”

  Jared smiled, but it was in a sad way. “Go get her, man.”

  “Why are you doing this?” I asked suspiciously. “You could have kept this to yourself.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “Because I love her.” He shrugged at the end. “If I spent enough time with her we might be able to work it out. Maybe one day she might have forgotten about you. But you’ve treated her right from the beginning, and you deserve your chance with her. Honestly, I hope you blow it.”

  “I won’t.” I stared at the ground as I processed everything. This whole time I thought Lexie despised me. And this whole time she thought I was with Beatrice. The miscommunication ripped us apart.

  But now everything had changed.

  I grabbed my wallet and keys and stepped out of the door. “I’ve got to go.” I hastily locked the door and marched down the hallway.

  Jared remained rooted to the spot, a slight smirk on his face. “Good luck.”

  “I don’t need it—not this time.”

  ***

  I arrived at her door and banged my fists hard on the wood. We’d been apart for so long and I didn’t want to waste another moment. I needed her to open the door so I could explain everything.

  “Lexie!” I pounded on the door again. “Baby, open the door.”

  Silence ensued on the other side.

  Was she not home? I was just here a few hours ago.

  I knocked again. “Lexie? Please open the door.”

  I still didn’t hear anything.

  If she weren’t here, where would she be? Was she out with friends? At the store? Should I call her? Or should I just wait?

  I didn’t have the patience to wait.

  I pulled out my phone and called her.

  She answered on the first ring. “Conrad, where are you?”

  I didn’t expect her to say that. “At your door. Where are you?”

  “At your apartment.”

  I smiled. “It looks like we just missed each other.”

  “Yeah…”

  I didn’t want to have this conversation on the phone. “I’m on my way.”

  “Okay.” Her voice was quiet.

  “I’ll see you soon.”

  ***

  I rounded the hallway and saw her leaning against my door. Her blonde hair reached her shoulders, and her blue dress showed her muscled thighs. She was looking straight ahead, unaware of me. And she looked beautiful.

  I walked quickly, but soon my pace turned into a jog. My feet pounded on the floor and caught her attention. She turned to me as I approached her. My heart was beating so fast. The blood pounded in my ears. It was suddenly unnaturally quiet.

  Lexie slowly rose to her feet with a foreign look in her eyes. She didn’t touch me or reach for me. All she did was stare.

  I met her look, feeling scared for the first time in my life. This was new territory for me. I promised I wouldn’t go down this path again. But here I was, afraid to turn back. “I wasn’t seeing Beatrice. I promise.”

  “I didn’t sleep with Jared. He was just being supportive.”

  “Her dad passed away and I
couldn’t turn my back on her.” I breathed hard and felt my chest expand with deep breaths. “I would never betray you.”

  “I’m sorry I called you a liar…and threw you out.” She nervously tucked her hair behind her ear.

  “I’m sorry….” I couldn’t find the right words. A feeling vibrated in my heart and hurt my chest. My knees felt weak and my fingertips felt numb. Anxiety pooled in my stomach and my heart fluttered from the lack of blood. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you.”

  She took a deep breath and her eyes dilated in response. The emotion bubbled on the surface, and her face flushed with color. Her blue eyes never looked so bright, so moved. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it first.”

  Last time I gave my heart to someone it was ripped in two. Somehow, Lexie had even more power than Beatrice had. She had the ability to completely destroy me in a way Beatrice never could. I was handing my soul over, placing it directly into her palm. In the back of my mind I was scared. Where would this lead? Would this end in a happily ever after? Or would I walk away heartless and cold? “I meant what I said in the beginning. I never wanted to be in a relationship and I don’t think they work. They cause nothing but heartbreak and pain. But…I want you.”

  “I’m scared too,” she whispered. “Jared hurt me so much. He damaged me in away I could never come back from. But being with you…fixed that. I’m still scared but not as much as I used to be. And I know I don’t want you to be with someone else. I certainly don’t want to be.”

  “So…we’re both willing to give this a shot?”

  She nodded. “I think so.”

  I took a deep breath as the emotion rocked through me. “You’re my best friend, Lexie. When you left me…” Should I tell her the truth? It made me pathetic and weak. “I cried. I cried in front of my dad and I couldn’t stop. You took a piece of me…it hurt.”

  Her eyes watered. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t want to lose you. I want you in my life. Without you, I don’t even know who I am.”

  A tear escaped and fell down her cheek. “I don’t want to lose you either.”

  “Lexie, please don’t hurt me.”

  “I won’t. Don’t hurt me.”

  “I won’t,” I vowed.

  “Okay.” She nodded her head slowly. “Now what?”

  I stepped closer to her and felt my heart move into my throat. “We start over.” My hands moved to her hips and I rested my face against hers. Those beautiful eyes I loved looked up at me, wet and moist. “How did you know the truth about Beatrice?”

  “She came to my apartment and told me.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “She did?”

  “She said I was stupid to let you go.”

  I couldn’t believe she did that. Beatrice wanted me back but she helped me get back together with the woman I loved. It consumed my thoughts for a moment before I realized it wasn’t important right now. Being with Lexie again was what mattered. “Our exes put us back together.”

  “I guess so.”

  My hand moved into her hair and I tilted her face toward mine. “I love you, Lexie.” My heart burned as I said the words.

  Her hand rested over mine. “I love you too, Conrad.”

  My nose brushed hers before I leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips. I’d kissed her a hundred times but this embrace felt different. Something moved between us, stretching between our hearts and minds. My eyes started to burn from the emotion that rocked through me. I gripped her tighter, never wanting to let her go.

  Our kisses became more passionate and Lexie gripped my shoulders. I pressed her into the door while I confessed every emotion with just the movement of my lips. When I had her again, it would be different. This time she was truly mine and I never had to worry about sharing her with anyone. I could open myself to her and show her how much I loved her. I didn’t have to hide or be in denial.

  I could finally give her my soul.

  ***

  Lexie was asleep in my arms. Her lips were slightly parted and she breathed quietly. The musical sighs she made caused my heart to flutter. I loved knowing she was with me, and not just for sex.

  But because she loved me.

  I needed to head to work and I had to make a stop on the way. Without waking her, I moved from underneath her then hopped into the shower. After I got dressed, I left a note on her nightstand telling her where I’d gone. Then I kissed her forehead and left.

  I made a stop on the way, and knocked quietly on Beatrice’s door, unsure if she was awake or not.

  Footsteps were heard on the outside of the door, and she opened it a moment later, wearing an old t-shirt that once belonged to me. It extended past her knees. The sight gave me déjà vu for a moment. I remembered all our nights together, especially the one where I took her virginity.

  But I put it from my mind because just the thought made me feel like I was betraying Lexie.

  “I’m surprised to see you here.” She pulled her brown hair over one shoulder, and her green eyes were dimmed.

  “I wanted to say thank you.”

  Her eyes dilated in understanding. “Did you work things out?”

  I nodded. “She and I are finally on the same page…even though it took seven months for us to get there.”

  She didn’t chuckle or seem amused. “If love was easy would it be nearly as fun?” She said it like it was rhetorical and not directed at me.

  “That was really…sweet. What you did, I mean.”

  She nodded. “I want you to be happy, Conrad.”

  Perhaps I misjudged her feelings for me. Putting me back together with another woman couldn’t have been easy.

  “I had an ulterior motive, however.”

  I waited for an explanation.

  “I hope you believe in love again. The last thing I want is for our break up to destroy your soul. My mistakes will haunt me forever, but I didn’t make them because I stopped loving you. And I will always love you.”

  My heart warmed at her words, and I looked away because the moment was too intense. “I think you’ve succeeded.”

  She smiled slightly, but her eyes showed her depression. “Now go be with her. You shouldn’t be on my doorstep.”

  “We’re friends, Beatrice. Just because I’m with Lexie doesn’t mean that has to change.”

  “Actually, it does.” She looked down for a moment. “I made it abundantly clear to Lexie how I feel about you. Believe me, she doesn’t want you near me.”

  “I doubt that. Lexie is a confident woman.”

  “You should check again.” She started to close the door. “I’ll see you around, Conrad.”

  I stuck my foot in the door before it could close. “You know I’m always here if you ever need me.”

  “I do.” She waited for me to pull my foot away. The moment I did, she shut the door.

  ***

  My mind was distracted with thoughts of Lexie. Our night replayed in my mind. I made love to her the way I always wanted to. It was slow and sensual, and I blurted out every emotion I felt. I didn’t hide my feelings or pretend to be indifferent.

  For the first time, I was honest.

  Knowing she was my girlfriend put a smile on my face. I was in a particularly good mood, especially since I’d been nothing but sour for the past month. All afternoon I was cheerful and upbeat. And when Lexie texted me and said she was bringing me lunch I was even more excited.

  Dad came into my office without knocking, like usual. “I’ve got a job for you, son.”

  “Whatever you need, Dad. I’m here.”

  He stopped in his tracks and stared at me suspiciously. “Whatever I need? When on earth have you ever said that?”

  I chuckled then rubbed my chin. “What is it?”

  He came closer to the desk then crossed his arms over his chest. “What’s the deal? You’re in a particularly good mood today.”

  “Well, it’s a beautiful day.” I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face.

  “Someth
ing happened?” He shifted his weight.

  I kept smiling.

  “Something happen with Lexie?” His tone increased, showing his excitement.

  “I don’t call her Lexie. Actually, I call her my girlfriend.”

  A slow smile stretched his lips. “You have no idea how happy that makes me. Stand up and hug your father.”

  I moved to my feet and chuckled.

  Dad gave me a bear hug then patted me hard on the back. “Congratulations, son.” He pulled away and stared at me with pride and affection.

  “What are we? Girls?”

  “What?” he asked. “It’s an important day.”

  “I feel pretty girly, actually.”

  “You want to know a secret? About being a father?”

  “Not really,” I said like a smartass.

  He ignored the comment. “The greatest times of joy happen when your kids are happy. One of the greatest days of my life was when your sister got married. And now, this is another day.”

  “You really like Lexie, huh?”

  “I love her.” He gave me a serious look. “And I know you love her.”

  For the first time, I admitted the truth to my father. “I do.”

  He clapped my shoulder. “I’m glad you two figured it out.”

  “It took us a while. She thought I was sleeping with Beatrice and I thought she was sleeping with Jared.”

  “Those are steep assumptions.”

  “It was…just a miscommunication.”

  “Your mother will be so happy,” he said. “Lexie is smart, pretty, and just cool.” It was obvious my father had a soft spot for her.

  “You seem to like her more than Beatrice.” It wasn’t a question.

  “I’m not comparing the two,” he said immediately. “And you shouldn’t either.”

  “I’m not,” I said. “But it just seems like Lexie is special to you.”

  He rubbed his chin while he considered his words. “You guys are good together. She’s playful and never takes herself too seriously. She’s…free. Beatrice was more…serious. And I think that playful attitude is much better for a partner. I make your mother laugh all the time. She says it’s one of the things she finds most attractive.”