Past Remembering

by Lyn Denison

  8th of September, 1870. Our first view of Brisbane rendered Richard and I without speech. It could not be more different from the rows of miner’s cottages we have left behind us. The river is wide and most beautiful, and ferries ply the banks.

  We straight away found lodgings in a boarding house with rooms most small, and so unbearable was the heat we thought we might be back aboard the Star of the South.

  With great haste, we sought work and found laborers were much needed. Richard thought to work alone to pay our keep, but I remained firm that I, too, should be able to work to pay my way. In the first week he but drove me insane keeping watch over me, but at last he is able to see I am come to no harm by hard labors.

  We then set out to find more agreeable lodgings and now have a room in Wellington Street in the most appealing house of the Widow Carson, a jolly woman who is a more than passable cook. We have consented that I will also teach the three Carson boys their letters and numbers in exchange for a smaller rent.

  After much quiet discussion, Richard had finally come to see that it was best to keep up our story. I was thus able to move freely about the city with Richard or alone, although Richard remonstrated with me many times over the latter, and I was made to promise not to do so after nightfall. I am wont to say I have almost forgotten my life before we left for the new land. I am mightily convinced that I am living the life I was meant to live.

  The town where we make our home boasts a very fine parliament house, which adjoins the most pleasing botanical gardens. We learned the poor state of the city’s funds were greatly improved by the discovery of gold in Gympie, some way north of Brisbane. The new hospital has been existent for three years to tend the needs of the growing population. Epidemics of tropical diseases are the plague of the town. Richard and I are mightily concerned to hear malaria, typhoid, smallpox, dysentery and dengue fever have killed many.

  The town is most busy but much spread out, and the trees are greatly different from those Richard and I know from home. Mrs. Carson’s oldest son, David, a quite pleasant-natured young man of fifteen years, told us many immigrants have journeyed to Queensland with the intention of searching for gold. Davie talks of going in search of his own fortune, but his mother soundly boxes his ears.

  The very wealthy in this town have built on the hills around the settlement while workers have cottages in the valleys. I am sure Richard has eyes only for the hilltops.

  Within the month of arriving, Richard found us both much more agreeable work, and I have instructed him not to worry so about me, for I am full of health and I grow strong from the heavy work. Our new positions are with the Smith Brothers, wealthy import and export merchants, who own a most beautiful house on the slopes of Bowen Hills. Richard said immediately he would have as grand a home for us as well. I have no doubt he will do so, for he is so dedicated.

  9th of December, 1870. This morn James Smith learned Richard and I could read and write and well knew our numbers. We are now kept in the office, and I am more than agreeable to have left the hard work of the yard behind me, for it is so uncomfortable, most especially in the suffocating heat.

  18th of June, 1871. Richard this day has made his own business. He has decided I am to keep his office. The Smith Brothers were unhappy to hear we were leaving but have wished us well and promised Richard some work. Richard and I were made humble they think so highly of us. One of the laborers in the yard came up to relate to me a story of a Chinese miner who had found a gold nugget in Victoria weighing 1,621 ounces. He leaves to seek his fortune next week. I repeated this to Richard, but he believes we will be better served remaining here in Brisbane.

  20th of July, 1871. Richard is greatly pleased. He has taken an agreement with the well-known John Petrie’s construction company and has hopes of this for the good future of his business. John Petrie was the first mayor of Brisbane.

  I had for some time been trying to convince Richard we might try our luck in the goldfields in Gympie, as Davie Carson wants to do, but Richard says he wants to remain in Brisbane. I sense the very comely young woman, Miss Susannah Makepeace, who resides down the street with her family, has more to do with Richard’s refusal. I espied him looking in the window of the jeweler just two doors from this office and believe he might ask for the young lady’s hand in marriage. She is a sweet girl, and he would do well to make a life with her.

  I voiced my intention to go to the goldfields alone, but Richard will not hear of it. I must continue to try to convince him I would be quite safe. The physical work I have done has made me hardy, and I can well handle myself. I have thoughts of my own concerning my own life. Perhaps when Richard is settled into marriage he might be prevailed upon to change his mind.

  15th of September, 1872. This day Richard married his fiancée, Miss Susannah Makepeace. It was a very pretty wedding and Richard looked so handsome in his new suit. Susannah was equally beautiful in her white dress. Richard will live with the Makepeaces until he can make his own house. He has agreed that I should stay with Mrs. Carson.

  There are many tales being told concerning the new goldfields in the North in a township called Charters Towers. Davie Carson is full of stories about gold being found lying upon the streets. Men have also set out for the new goldfields in Gulgong in New South Wales. Richard will hear none of this.

  20th of December, 1872. It has been a strange day. Richard came to the office full of smiles. Susannah is to have a child, and Richard’s chest is much puffed out. On my return to Mrs. Carson’s cottage, she handed me a letter from home. It was writ by Reverend McNay and full of news. I was happy to read all about the comings and goings of the village. I then read the saddest of news. My sweet friend Jane had died in childbirth this twelve months past. My heart weighs heavy, for I did so love Jane and had done since we were young. I can but imagine Enoch’s sadness to lose first our Mary and then dear Jane in this dreadful manner. All Enoch’s family wealth could not save him from these losses.

  21st of December, 1872. Last night I barely slept. I cried so for Jane. Near morning, I had come to the decision it was time to make my own life. Richard’s time will be well filled with his wife and child, and I fear he will scarce miss me. I have made my mind up, and I will journey to the goldfields of Charters Towers. There are fortunes being made there. I have decided I am not strong enough to stake a claim, but I am full of understanding of the ways of business, thanks to this time with Richard. I recall Richard relating to me dire warnings concerning the goldfields. He stated that a severe lack of provisions and inadequate transport to the Charters Towers fields cause much hardship and lawlessness. The miners will need provisions, and I shall set up a store to provide them with their needs. Now I must find a way to make Richard see that I am more than able to live my own life.

  3rd of January, 1873. Times in the town have been monstrous hard. An outbreak of typhoid took many lives, including that of Susannah’s younger sister, but ten years old, and the wife of James Smith, who leaves six young children. Richard was mightily worried about Susannah, as she has been poorly as she grows with child. Not a person felt at all like celebrating the arrival of the New Year.

  8th of January, 1873. I fear Richard will make himself ill he works so hard. When I spoke of this, he paid me no heed but told me he has chosen to purchase land and a cottage atop a hill past Breakfast Creek. The land was part of an estate that must be sold since the owner has fallen on hard times. It is a cracking price, but Richard’s mind is set.

  3rd of February, 1873. Today Richard, Susannah, Mrs. Carson’s son, Davie, and I took out the horse and carriage and ventured out to observe Richard’s land. I have to say it is impressive. The view over the wide reach of the river is magnificent. Susannah was made quite speechless. Richard was excited like a small boy and ran around with his drawings of the house he has the need to build. He has made a bargain with a fellow for blocks of sandstone from a quarry near Ipswich. He told Susannah he had hopes of finishing the house before their baby is born, but he f
ears that will not come to pass. This does not seem to bother his young wife, whose eyes shine when she gazes upon my brother, who I admit has grown into a fine looking man. But most of all, Richard is a kind and generous man.

  10th of April, 1873. Work has been started on Richard’s house, and he fusses between that and Susannah’s health, which the doctor assures him is exceedingly good. It is my decision to not raise the subject of the northern goldfields until after the child is safely born, but it greatly saddens me and I find it excessively difficult to sit at my work. To add to my dissatisfaction and his mother’s sorrow, Davie Carson left this week to seek his fortune there. I so much wished to leave with him, but must find my patience.

  26th of June, 1873. There is much joy. This day Susannah was delivered of a fine baby girl. She is a beauty like her mother and has a lusty cry. Richard has named her Susannah for her mother. Susannah has come through her ordeal with great fortitude. I am filled with admiration for all that she endured. It had Richard near out of his mind.

  28th of August, 1873. The home Richard is building is a fine place. Although there is much still to be done, Richard and Susannah and the baby have moved into the section that is built.

  Last evening I asked for time with him alone and informed him of my intention to make my way north. He was monstrous angry and loudly forbade me to go. I have not before seen my brother so angry. He stated most forcefully that he has the responsibility of me. I too became angry and told him he thought of me as a child but that I had reached my twenty-first year. We argued something fierce. I have to wonder what Susannah thought of this.

  Then Richard sat down and spoke slow and quiet. He demanded I recall an incident these four years past. I had stayed too late when visiting Jane and was hurrying toward home in the growing dusk, my coat pulled tight about me against the biting cold. Suddenly rough hands were upon me, and I smelled the bitter odor of stale drink. There were three of them, the uncouth Dempsey boys, and against them I had no chance to free myself. Their disgusting hands pawed at my clothes, and had not Richard come in search of me, I do not doubt I would have suffered the worst fate imaginable. It was wicked of Richard to remind me of this, but I remained firm concerning my desire to travel north.

  At the last, I conveyed my intention to leave with or without Richard’s blessing. I fear he is most displeased with me, but I must stand firm. I reminded him his life is with his wife and his daughter now, and I must make my own life, for better or worse.

  6th of September, 1873. On the tide tomorrow I sail for the north of the state. Richard has agreed that I go with the company of Mrs. Carson’s second son, John. He is a strong lad of seventeen years, and his mother wishes that he journeys to inquire about his older brother, Davie, and how he fares. Truth be told, young John has a desire to try his luck at prospecting as well as his brother.

  19th of October, 1873. I have been three weeks in the city of Charters Towers. It swarms with men from all over our world come to try to make their fortunes. It is a motley mix of humanity. There are many Chinese as well as local Aboriginal tribes. Germans, Swedes, Irish and English. More people stream in day by day.

  I have acquired a suitable building for beginning my store. It is small, but there is space to add extra rooms in the back, and there are rooms atop for me to sleep. While in the port of Townsville, I set up my agents, no matter that John was fidgeting to get to the goldfields.

  When we arrived we found Townsville to be a busy port. We ventured into Flinders Street to espy a great many bullock-drawn wagons, at least fifty or more, moving in procession for the goldfields. There were also coaches and men on horseback and on foot. I am told here in the north, bullock drays are able to carry two tons of goods, but they are now disappearing as the high tabletop wagons, with wide, steel-rimmed wheels, can carry ten tons or more.

  John and I left Townsville by coach to the Haughton River and then on to Charters Towers. It was a rough and most uncomfortable journey, but the coach driver was most colorful and sang songs as he drove the eighty-two miles.

  The Charters Towers goldfields were proclaimed on the 31st of August last year, and the town grows daily. I am impatient to begin my business. John has vowed to give me every assistance before he joins his brother. After the incident in Rockhampton, he is desperate to get back into my favors. Still, I know a goodly part of the fault was mine.

  On our journey north, our ship put in to Rockhampton to load cargo. We lingered aboard, cooling our heels for some days while John begged to be able to go ashore to explore. I am unable to understand how Richard could believe that John would protect me. He is but a burly boy. I felt every inch the protector of that young man. Yet in that unexceptional port both John and I were derelict in our duties. From the safety of hindsight, we were both the victims of boredom, and a short walk around the wharf in the gathering dusk seemed just the ticket.

  We came upon a hotel of sorts, not a place Richard and I were wont to frequent. It was the singing that gave me pause. I recall the evenings when I was a child when neighbors would gather. Old Mr. Reays would play his squeezebox, and we all would sing. That sound of singing spilling out onto the dusty path brought back the past with a wave of sudden melancholy. When John started inside, I am afraid to say I followed him.

  The clientele was a mixed group made up of sailors and farmers and the occasional suited gentleman. I was mightily surprised to find some women, flashily dressed, laughing loudly and partaking of drink. It came to me that this might well be a house of ill repute. I was repulsed and much curious.

  By this time John had overcome his surprise and had purchased drinks. I began to tell him I did not imbibe, when I saw a young woman regarding me with undisguised interest. I confess to being somewhat disconcerted, and I had swallowed half the drink before I had so much as tasted the vile brew.

  The young woman smiled prettily and strolled across the room. She stood before me inquiring if I had visited the establishment on a previous occasion. This, or perchance the unaccustomed drink, caused me to laugh out loud. The young woman, who told me she was called Arabella, thought this most amusing. I barely recall how many drinks I took that evening, but I staggered and almost fell as Arabella led me up a narrow staircase almost unseen in the dark corner of the tavern.

  The lamps were lit low and cast shadows in Arabella’s room. The colors were rich red, and there was a high bed with a mound of inviting pillows. I scarce had time to gaze around me when Arabella came close to me, and I was aware of the sweet smell of her perfume, like flowers. I believe I inquired and was told it was lavender. It caused me to be as light-headed as the drink.

  I was made aware of the curves of the young woman, the full bosom, the creamy white skin of her shoulders. I became faint and would have fallen had Arabella not moved me so that my back rested on the closed door.

  My next memory was of her lips on mine. I barely breathed. I have never known such a feeling. No one had held me in such a way. Not even our Mam when I was a child. My body was filled with a wondrous joy.

  Arabella soon led me to the bed, removed my coat, and I lay down before I should fall. My breath caught in my chest as she disrobed before me. I sat up and buried my face between her large breasts. She was undoing the button at my waist when I became quite sober. I could never allow such intimacy.

  The young woman relaxed against me, murmuring in a soothing tone. I was overcome with a sadness for what I had lost, and I felt tears fill my eyes. I found myself confessing to Arabella my secret, the secret Richard and I had guarded for so long. I explained I could never be a man for her in the way she wanted.

  She held me close again, undressed me with a fine gentleness. She ran her lips over my chest, her tongue licking my nipples. My blood ran hotly through my body and an ache swelled between my legs. I let Arabella remove my boots and then my trousers, and I was naked before her. Yet I felt no shame. She ran her fingers over me, and I was caught by a rapture that left me weak and shaking.

  That night
Arabella showed me a wondrous side of life I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams. We scarce slept, and in the light of dawn, I was much reluctant to don my clothes.

  As I walked toward our ship, I am ashamed to say I only then gave a thought to young John Carson. I made haste along the wharf and was filled with relief when I espied him sitting on an upturned barrel. His clothes were rumpled and stained, and below his right eye his cheek was swollen and discolored. I called his name and he slowly peered up at me. He was unsure about where he had been or what had happened to him. What was obvious was that he had been in a fight. How much his sore head was the result of the fight and how much to the drink, we would never know.

  I helped him aboard and to his cabin. He spent most of the remainder of the voyage there. I am ashamed to say I was much relieved to be left to my own devices, for I had much to think on and consider.

  I have sent word to Richard that I am safely arrived so he may rest easy.

  28th of September, 1876. It has been three years since I wrote in my journal. This time has passed so swiftly, for I have worked long and hard hours to build my business. Today Chaseley’s General Store thrives. When I arrived in The Towers, I was much surprised by the size of the town. Miners continued to pour into the town like rats to a sewer, and I have heard it said ninety percent of the population is adult men.

  They were, for the most part, a rough, unlawful bunch, and to walk the streets on a Friday night was the height of foolishness. A person would be held shoulder to shoulder with nary a move in any direction.

  There is much money here, and as soon as I opened my doors I had a goodly number of customers. However, I get before myself. This past year I found new premises, newly erected, much larger than I had envisaged having the need of when I arrived. I am greatly pleased now, as my business has expanded so. The store is in the top end of town and has a most pleasing outlook.

  The town thrives, and halls have been built by various lodges and churches where we are treated to wonderful entertainments.