“It’s okay. Alex woke me.”
She let out a quiet hum. “I’m sorry honey.”
“It’s okay. He wanted to know what to do with my stuff, so I figured you two hadn’t talked.”
“Well, that’s not entirely accurate.”
I frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“He won’t give me your bag.”
“Can Kayla get it?”
“No.” She groaned. “I debated on whether or not to call you, but he’s locked himself in his room with a bottle of whisky and he’s threatening to burn your things if we try to take them from him.”
“Sounds like he’s drunk.”
“That’s an understatement,” she said. “What do you want me to do?”
“Honestly, there’s nothing in there I can’t replace. Just leave it. If he burns it, he burns it. It would be an apt ending to our relationship that went down in flames,” I added somewhat pathetically. The call-waiting beep on my phone sounded and I glanced at my screen. “Ohmigod, he’s calling again.”
“Do you want to get it?” Dani asked.
“No. I’m just going to ignore him.” I saw the time, just after midnight. “I’m assuming Kayla’s with Lily?”
“Yeah. I talked to her and they’re fine. We’re staying here tonight so Austin can keep an eye on Hawk.”
“Okay. Sounds good.” I rubbed my forehead, trying to stave off a headache. “Thanks Dani. Sorry to drag you into this mess.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll still try to get your stuff.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Okay, better go,” Dani said. “Talk to you tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
We hung up and I rolled onto my side and squeezed my eyes shut. My phone buzzed again, but it was Alex, so I ignored it. He continued to call well past midnight, so I turned off my phone and forced myself to sleep. Needless to say, I didn’t really get any.
* * *
Sunday I awoke to the headache from hell… and a note from Bailey sitting on the kitchen counter.
Brock and I are at the store. Help yourself to coffee. Stay if you want, we’ll be home in a couple of hours, but if you decide to head home, just lock up behind you. Love you!
I poured myself a cup of coffee and powered up my phone. Forty-two missed calls from Alex. I groaned. Stalk much?
No voicemails from him, which disappointed me. Again. Insane.
I rummaged in the fridge for breakfast, finding cream cheese and a ripe tomato, so I checked the pantry and found bagels. I loved my sister-in-law. She always bought the best food.
I was lifting the pastry to my mouth when the doorbell rang. I walked silently to the door and peeked out the side window, frowning to find no one there, but when I turned my eyes down, I saw my bag sitting on the porch.
I unlocked and opened the door, dragging my bag inside before glancing out to the street. Alex stood beside his truck looking as wrecked as me, his hair a mess, his clothes disheveled, and all I could think was how much I loved him.
He hesitated for a few seconds before walking toward me and I couldn’t decide whether I should close the door on him or not. He stopped within in hearing distance and grimaced. “Hey.”
“Hi, Alex. Thanks for bringing my bag back.”
“You’re welcome.”
“How did you know where I was?”
He slipped his hands into his pockets. “Your brother told me. Kayla said she dropped you off here.”
Well, this was interesting information.
“You could have given my stuff to Dani,” I whispered.
“Fuck, Payton, I’m sorry.”
My composure crumbled and I burst into tears. I found myself wrapped in his arms and that just made things worse.
“Shh, baby, I’m so sorry,” he whispered.
“I don’t even know what you’re doing here.” I sniffed, but didn’t pull away. “You told me to fuck off. Why didn’t you just give the bag to Dani?”
“Because I love you.” His fingers slid into my hair and tilted my head back. “I am a total fuckin’ dick, baby, but I love you and I don’t know how to apologize so this is alright again.” He wiped the tears from my cheeks. “Tell me what to do. Anything, baby. I’ll do anything.”
“You scared me last night.”
“I know, Payton. I’m so sorry.” He sighed. “I know it’s lip service right now, but I would never raise a hand to you. Please give me the chance to prove it.”
“I don’t want to be chained up and hit during sex, Alex.”
“And you won’t be. Kayla confessed she told you what happened with Jenny.” A second of irritation crossed his face but he shook his head. “There’s more to it that even she doesn’t know. But, I will tell you everything… and I mean everything… and I promise, if you give me another chance once I do, you can make all the rules. Anything, baby. I mean it. Just tell me what I have to do.”
I couldn’t fathom what more there could be, but I knew he was telling the truth, and if he was willing to let me in so that I could make an informed decision, then I felt I should give him the chance. The fact I loved him played a little into that as well. I couldn’t just turn off that emotion, but I also wasn’t going to move forward blindly.
“Come in,” I said, and pulled away from him.
“Are you sure you feel comfortable? Because we can wait until your brother gets back, or you can follow me somewhere public.”
“I feel comfortable, Alex,” I said. “I’ll fill my brother in on what’s going on and we’ll go from there.”
He nodded and followed me inside. I texted my brother, poured a cup of coffee for Alex and, after he said he didn’t want breakfast, grabbed my bagel and sat with him on the sectional in the family room.
“Kayla filled you in on the stuff with Jenny, right?” he said.
I nodded as I chewed.
“Do you have any questions about it?”
“I don’t think so. It’s jacked up and I’d like to claw Jenny’s eyes out, but no, I don’t have any questions.”
He seemed relieved and I figured he was probably pretty over the subject.
“My dad turned me onto porn when I was around ten. At the time, I thought it was twisted, but when puberty hit and all that that entails, things changed and I found myself obsessed with it I guess. I found girls fucked up enough to manipulate and I went with it. I lost my virginity at twelve, and I fuckin’ loved sex…but when the girls didn’t want to try the kinkier stuff, I realized that I either forced them, which I would never do, just to be clear, or I had to go down a darker road when it came to sexual partners.”
I sipped my coffee, trying to keep it down. I couldn’t imagine a life where going down a ‘darker road’ was even an option, let alone a need.
“There were a couple of older high school girls that were up for anything and so I went wherever they’d let me go. Light bondage, spanking, stuff I don’t need to go into detail about, but you can imagine. I remember saying something to my dad about it and he told me, fuckin’ told me Payton, to do whatever the hell I wanted because they were askin’ for it, and ultimately, they’d like it. That was the beginning of the end for me with him.”
I nodded and continued to sip my coffee, not trusting myself to speak.
“And then he started eyeing Kayla.”
I gasped. “Did he… ?”
“She says no and I believe her because the second I recognized it, she was never alone with him. I’d sleep on her bedroom floor in front of her door the nights he’d get drunk. The only good drunk nights were when he’d pass out, but by the time I was fifteen, I could beat the shit out of him, so he knew not to mess with me.”
“I’m sorry, Alex. That must have been hard.”
He nodded. “Then I found the club. Or I should say, the club found me, and I discovered a safe place to land, so to speak. But it also opened a door to women willing to do anything that both excited and disgusted me. This brings us to Jenny. I slep
t with her once… and talk about warped. She’s totally fucked up, baby, and coming from me, that’s sayin’ something.”
“I picked up on that.”
“I didn’t want to touch her again, so, as you know now, she took matters into her own hands.” He took a deep breath. “After she did what she did, I don’t take any chances anymore. It’s all within my control, but I never do anything someone doesn’t want to do, so call it warped, called it depraved, but it’s always consensual.”
“But I can’t do that,” I whispered.
“I know, baby. I don’t expect you to.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Last night I realized that I trusted you. With everything. Well, until Jenny showed up, then I had a moment of doubt. But I didn’t once feel the need to control anything with you. I was able to just let go and love you.” He stroked my cheek. “I have never trusted anyone outside of Kayla, Payton. Until you. Even if you never wanted to see me again, I know you’d never breathe a word of this to anyone, and that’s a lot to take in for me.”
Ohmigod. I swallowed and took a deep breath.
“I know I scared you when I reached for Jenny and I won’t try to excuse it, because there isn’t one… I snapped I guess. But just know I have never done that before and I sure as hell won’t ever do it again.”
“Did you choke her?”
“What the fuck?” he snapped. “No!”
“Then why was she holding her neck and gasping for breath?”
“To fuck with you! I thought you got that last night.”
“That’s what Kayla said,” I whispered.
“Baby, ask Dani. Ask Booker. I swear to God, I didn’t hurt her, even though I wanted to.” He grimaced. “I’m sorry I scared you.”
I nodded. “Why did you tell me to fuck off?”
“Because you were scared, baby, and I’m a dick. I was angry that Jenny made me mad enough to want to kill her, and then when I saw your face, it was too much. I needed you gone. I’m not always good at the emotional shit, Payton, but I’ll try. If you’ll let me.”
“Why didn’t you give my stuff to Dani?”
“Because I had to see you,” he admitted. “I knew if I let her have it, I wouldn’t have an excuse to.”
Well, that was kind of sweet.
“I know this is a lot to take in,” he said. “If you need a couple of days, take ’em. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. We can start slow again or you can tell me to fuck off. I’ll respect your decision.”
I nodded. “I should take some time to think.”
“Whatever you need, baby.”
“Would you mind dropping me home? I’d rather not walk.”
“Of course.”
I did our dishes quickly, left a note for Brock and Bailey, and then locked up and followed him to his truck. He threw my bag in the back and opened the door for me. We drove the five minutes to my parents’ house and he parked in front.
“I need to be clear on something,” I said before I climbed out of the truck.
“Okay.”
I squeezed his arm. “Even if this doesn’t work out for whatever reason, I need you to know my decision would have nothing to do with what you told me. I don’t see you as anything less because of your past, or see you as warped or depraved… your words. I just need to figure out if we’re right for each other.”
He nodded. “I love you, Payton, and I’m not always gonna do everything right, but I do intend to fight for you. I’m not gonna lie about my intentions.”
My stomach flipped. “I love you too, Alex. I’m just not sure if it’s enough.”
“I know, baby.” He sighed. “I’ll get your bag.”
He helped me from the truck, handed me my bag, and then gave me the sweetest kiss he’d ever given me. I forced back tears as I navigated the sea of emotions.
“I love you,” he said, and kissed my forehead before climbing in his truck and driving away.
I let myself into the house and walked down to my room, falling on the bed and bursting into tears for the forty-millionth time in less than a day.
* * *
Hawk stormed into the club, his mind solely on his directive. He’d come here the second he’d left Payton, his intention to take care of the threat immediately.
“Yo, Hawk,” Train, one of the recruits, greeted.
“Yo. Crow in his office?”
“Yeah, man.”
He headed to the President’s office, knocked on the door, and entered when bid.
Crow gave him a chin lift. “Hawk.”
“No more Jenny,” Hawk demanded.
“Yeah, we’re on it.”
Hawk wanted to say more… something in the vein of Crow making sure his old lady, Susie, was on board with the plan… but he held his tongue. He might be high up in the hierarchy of the club, but that didn’t mean he could disrespect the Prez and his family.
“Everyone’s on the same page, Hawk.” Crow waved toward a chair. “Mack workin’ on the legal shit?”
Hawk nodded and sat down. “Bitch signed away her rights three years ago. That’s not the issue.”
“You got recruits on her, she can’t get far.”
“She’s fuckin’ wacked, Crow. I don’t know what she’ll do or who’s still loyal to her.”
“Mack helpin’?”
Hawk nodded. “He’s usin’ his God-given gift to find out.”
Logan ‘Mack’ Reed was the club’s legal counsel. He happened to be Booker’s closest friend and right-hand man, but he was also a damn good lawyer and Hawk had used him to deal with the Jenny situation in the beginning. Mack had had the foresight to get her to sign over her rights, something Hawk wouldn’t have thought of, and it meant Jenny didn’t have a legal chance in hell of getting Lily back.
But she was devious and smart, so it didn’t mean Hawk wasn’t worried. Lucky for him, Mack was far more cunning and could work the system within the law. He was also charming, which meant he had his choice of women. All of whom he was ‘working’ to find out who still had ties to Jenny. Hawk couldn’t have been more grateful.
“Come in,” Crow called when a knock at the door came.
“Hawk, honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Susie pushed in and sat in the chair next to Hawk. “I mean, I didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to be there,” she rushed on. “Not that she wasn’t a psycho bitch.”
Hawk nodded.
“She said that Alana invited her and I didn’t know she was messin’ with you. Both bitches are banned, honey.”
“’Preciate that, Suz.”
“You talk to Payton yet?”
Hawk shifted in his seat. “Yeah.”
Susie sighed. “I’m real sorry, Hawk. If I can make it right, you let me know.”
He forced his heartache aside and nodded.
“Babe,” Crow said. “We got business.”
“Right,” she said, and rose to her feet.
She started to leave, but Crow frowned. “Where the fuck are you goin’, woman?”
She rolled her eyes and made her way to him, leaning down to kiss him quickly. “Fuckin’ mixed messages, old man.”
He smacked her ass and she giggled as she left the office.
“You gotta miss church this week to deal with your woman, I’m good,” Crow said.
Hawk nodded, his appreciation unspoken. He stamped down the feeling of hopelessness.
“You get clear of this shit and I gotta job for you.”
Hawk cocked his head. “Yeah?”
“Ashley’s been gettin’ threats. Bad break-up with some Russian fuck-head.”
“You don’t know him?”
“Nah and he’s gone to ground. Darlin’ daughter kept him secret. She won’t do it again,” Crow said, his voice low and angry. “Booker’s lookin’ into it, but when he finds the bastard, I’m gonna need you.”
Hawk nodded. “Anything yet?”
“So far, no, but we got a couple leads.”
“Whateve
r you need.”
“I’ll keep you posted,” Crow said. “If we see you at church, good, if we don’t, good.”
“Thanks, man,” Hawk said, and rose to his feet.
With a chin lift, he left his president’s office and then headed out for the night.
MONDAY I SUFFERED through work. Luckily, my students were older which meant they tended to work quietly when instructed, but I was still exhausted and sad, and I missed Alex. Like my heart broke a thousand times in one day at the thought of not being with him.
At the end of the day, I headed home, surprised to find my mom in the kitchen. “Hi,” I said. “You’re home early.”
She smiled. “I quit.”
“What? You did?”
She nodded. “Took early retirement.”
“Can you do that?”
“Apparently so. Your dad and I ran the numbers and it worked, so I quit. I gave them three weeks, but I need to burn up some vacation time or I’ll lose it, so I’m only working one day at the end of that three week period, and I’ll still have five weeks paid vacation to cash out.”
“Wow, Mom, that’s awesome.”
She studied me and then smiled. “What’s up with you, honey? You look sad. How’s Alex?”
I forced back tears again and made my way to the fridge, grabbing the O.J. from the top shelf. “It’s been a rough couple of days.”
“Want to talk about it?”
I poured a glass of juice and leaned against the island. “I don’t know what to say. So much of it’s complicated and I’m trying to work out if it’s worth it.”
“Honey, it’s always worth it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s sit,” she said, and led me to the dinette table. I sat across from her and she squeezed my hand. “You’ve always been my careful one. You weigh the pros and the cons, make a graph and a chart, and then make your very informed decision based on the data you gather.”
Does everyone think I’m a control freak?
“This being said, I don’t worry about you… at least, not in the same ways I worry about your siblings. But that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about you in other ways. Alex is different than anyone you’ve ever dated and that boy loves you better than any of the others have.” She smiled a little sadly. “He knows my baby. Truly knows her and that’s more than any mother can hope for because I know he’ll take care of you in all the ways that count.”
Road to Redemption Page 11
