Bear With Me

by Jessica Redland

  Jack tossed another handful of sticks onto the fire. ‘I agree. Brilliant career move. But was it the right move for you?’

  I didn’t respond.

  ‘Why don’t you move back?’ Jack suggested. ‘I understand that living in the flat would be too full of memories, but you could keep renting it out and find somewhere new, couldn’t you?’

  I could. Thanks to the life assurance policy that financially-astute Nikki had insisted we take out, I could buy a new place straight out. But I couldn’t move back home. I may not have had Nikki anymore, but I still had a career and I had to give it at least a year in London, preferably two, to maintain any sort of credibility. ‘Maybe one day,’ I said.

  Jack nodded. ‘If you do, you know you can always stay with us while you’re finding somewhere to live, don’t you? Provided you can put up with screaming babies and the permanent stench of shitty nappies, that is.’

  I gave him a half-smile. ‘You need to work on your sales technique.’

  We sat in silence for a while, both watching the flames.

  ‘Thanks for coming down this weekend,’ I said eventually. ‘I was dreading it.’

  ‘It’s the least I can do.’

  ‘Let’s stop talking about me. How are the girls?’

  ‘Teaching Connie to talk was a big mistake. She’s already got the attitude of a teenager. I think the terrible twos might last forever. Saffron is on Australian time: sleeps all day, screams all night. We’ve forgotten what sleep is. Millie hates me and has threatened to slice my balls off with a cleaver and serve them to me in an omelette if I ever get her pregnant again. She’s demanding I get the snip.’

  ‘Are you going to?’

  ‘No! We always wanted a boy and a girl. We’d agreed to try again if baby number two was a girl.’

  ‘What if she got pregnant and it was another girl?’

  Jack shrugged. ‘Keep going till we get a boy.’

  ‘And Millie agrees to that?’

  He paused and took a swig of his beer. ‘She will. Eventually.’

  ‘Jack! What about when number four’s a girl too? And number five? You should count yourself lucky that you’ve been able to have two kids, whatever gender they are, when there are loads of couples out there who can’t have any.’ I pictured the look of longing in Nikki’s eyes as she’d held Connie a few hours after she was born. We ditched the condoms and made love slowly and tenderly that night, both ready to give Connie a cousin. And I pictured that brief glimpse of heartbreak when, month after month, it looked like it wasn’t going to happen for us.

  ‘I’m sorry, mate. You and Nikki would have made great parents.’

  I couldn’t respond. Memories swirled round my mind, making me feel dizzy.

  ‘You will come up to visit soon, won’t you?’ Jack said. ‘Connie would love to see her Uncle Sammy and I’m sure Saffron would love to projectile vomit all over you. It’s a pretty special bonding moment. I know being back in Whitsborough Bay is hard on you and I don’t want to come across as the demanding big brother, but Millie’s an only child and you’re my only sibling so the girls don’t have any aunties and you’re their only uncle. Plus you’re Connie’s Godfather and her only Godparent now that Nikki’s…’ He cleared his throat. ‘It would mean a lot to Millie and me if you could try and see a bit more of them. I know it’s harder with you being in London now and…’ He tailed off. ‘I’ve said too much haven’t I?’ Shit! Millie told me not to say anything. She said you’ll make up for it when the time’s right for you.’

  A tear slid down my cheek and my whole body slumped forwards. The nearly-empty bottle of beer slipped from my hands and landed with a soft thud on the sand as sobs racked through me.

  ‘Christ! Sam! I wasn’t having a go at you!’

  I tried to say, ‘I know’, but the words wouldn’t come out. My whole body shook and alien agonised sounds kept spilling from my mouth.

  ‘What did I say?’ I could hear the panic in Jack’s voice but I couldn’t reply.

  Oh shit! No! I somehow scrambled to my feet and managed to stagger a little way down the beach before I threw up.

  Within seconds, Jack was by my side, with his arm around me as I sank to my knees in the sand, trembling. ‘Sorry,’ I muttered, wiping my mouth. ‘Don’t know what happened then. I’ve only had two beers. Must be a delayed reaction from last night’s skin-full.’

  ‘That wasn’t the beers,’ Jack said. ‘That was grief.’

  I closed my eyes and breathed slowly in and out a few times, trying to calm my racing heart.

  ‘Are you okay, Sam?’

  I picked up a handful of sand in my right hand and let it slowly fall through my fingers.

  ‘Of course I’m not okay. My fiancée’s dead and…’

  ‘And what?’

  I looked up into his worried eyes. I couldn’t tell him. I still couldn’t say it. I shook my head. ‘And I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again,’ I muttered.

  ‘Come on. Back to the fire.’ Jack helped me to my feet, kicking some sand over the vomit. ‘Let’s get you warm.’

  Chapter 9

  Jemma

  ‘Oh oh! Drinking alone on a school night?’ Drew closed the door to our flat behind him on Wednesday evening and dropped his backpack onto the floor with a thud. ‘This isn’t a good sign.’

  I shrugged and continued to stare at the TV on mute, my eyes flicking to my iPhone on the armrest of the chair every few seconds.

  ‘Still no word from Scott?’ Drew sat down on the wooden coffee table, eased the remote control out of my hand, and switched the TV off.

  I shook my head. ‘Not since this text from him on Sunday morning.’ I tapped in my password then thrust my phone at Drew so he could read Scott’s text and my reply. ‘Why wouldn’t he respond to this? I was being supportive, wasn’t I?’

  * From Scott

  Adam’s wife had twins yesterday. Boy and girl. 8 weeks early and not doing so well. Feel a bit helpless xx

  * To Scott

  Oh no! Poor little mites. Hope they’re fighters. Did he make it home in time for the births? Please don’t feel helpless. There’s nothing you can do in these circumstances except be there if he needs you. If you can’t make it down next week because Adam needs to be with his family, I completely understand. We can talk wedding plans when things settle a bit. I know I’ve never met Adam, but please pass on my best wishes to him and his family. Thinking of you. I love you always and can’t wait to be your wife xx

  ‘Obviously I tried to call him as soon as I got his text to make sure he was okay, but it went to voicemail so I sent that text instead. Haven’t heard a peep out of him since. It’s so unlike him. What if something’s happened to him?’

  Drew handed my phone back to me. I could almost hear his mind ticking.

  ‘You definitely didn’t have an argument before he left the races?’

  ‘No! I’ve already told you that. I walked him to the exit and he told me that he was expecting a busy week at work so he wouldn’t see me till next week. We agreed to go for a meal and talk about the wedding. He said he wanted to elope and I told him I didn’t.’

  ‘And you definitely didn’t fall out about that?’

  ‘No! He realised it was a daft idea because of how close I am to Mum, Sean and Karen.’

  ‘And me.’

  I gave Drew a half-smile. ‘Yes, and you. I couldn’t possibly get married without you there.’

  ‘I should think not! Could his phone have been stolen?’

  ‘It’s possible. But he could have rung me at the museum. Or emailed me.’

  Drew ran his hand across his stubble. ‘You’ve tried him on Facebook? Twitter? MySpace? Instagram? LinkedIn?’

  I shook my head. ‘He doesn’t do social media.’

  ‘He’s not on any of them?’ For someone who had a
profile on every form of social media going, Drew’s reaction didn’t surprise me.

  ‘None. Actually, that’s not true. He’s on Facebook. Sort of. I made him open an account so I could put photos of us together on it and we could post selfies when we were apart. He’s rubbish at posting, but he always likes my pictures. I think I’m the only friend he’s got on it, though.’

  ‘And you’ve tried to contact him on that?’

  ‘Several times. Facebook and Messenger. I’m worried sick, Drew. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I keep bursting into tears.’

  Drew sighed. ‘I know you’re thinking the worst but, if he’d been in an accident, you’d have heard something by now. His phone would have been found and they’d have looked at his call logs.’

  ‘Assuming he had his phone with him…’ I shook my head. ‘No, I don’t think it’s an accident. They’d have contacted his parents and they’d have got in touch. Scott gave them my number in case of emergency. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve phoned, texted, messaged and emailed him loads of times. Why hasn’t he been in touch? Do you think he’s having second thoughts about the wedding?’

  With downcast eyes, Drew fiddled with the strap on his watch.

  ‘Oh my God! You do, don’t you? You think he’s got cold feet?’ I felt sick.

  ‘No! I don’t know. Give me a second.’ Drew stood up and disappeared into my bedroom, returning with my laptop. He handed it to me and perched on the arm of the chair. ‘Bigger screen so we can both see. Log onto Facebook.’

  I frowned but did as I was told. ‘I’m in.’

  ‘Now find Scott’s profile.’

  ‘Scott Hastings,’ I muttered as I typed his name into the search bar. ‘He’s not there! Hang on.’ I typed his name in again, just in case I’d mistyped it. There was a rugby player, some bloke who arranged loans in Australia, an electrician… but not my Scott. ‘Where’s he gone?’

  ‘Log into your emails,’ Drew said. ‘Try sending a short email to Scott.’

  I shrugged, but did as he suggested. ‘That was quick!’ I said a moment later when a reply popped up on my screen. ‘Crap! It’s an undeliverable. “Email address does not exist”. What?’ I looked up at Drew, my heart racing and my stomach churning. ‘You knew that was going to happen, didn’t you?’

  ‘I hoped it wasn’t. I hate to say it, Jem, but I think you’ve been ghosted.’

  ‘I’ve been what?’

  ‘Ghosted.’

  ‘What the hell’s that?’

  ‘When someone ends a relationship without properly ending it. They just stop communicating. They don’t text, or call, or email. They unfriend or unfollow you on all the social media. All they leave behind is their ghost.’

  I slumped back in the chair, feeling weak and dizzy. ‘Scott wouldn’t do that to me. He just proposed to me, for God’s sake. You don’t ask someone to marry you then cut them out your life days later.’

  Drew remained silent.

  My mind whirred. Ghosted? No! He wouldn’t! Nobody would. It was a horrible thing to do. If you wanted to end a relationship, you had the guts to say so face to face. I remembered how I’d dumped Paul by Facebook. Okay, so if you were too chicken or too angry to do it face to face, you texted or emailed or something. There were loads of options. You didn’t just disappear. Then I remembered what had happened my first Christmas in the flat. I sat forward.

  ‘That bloke from Finland did this to you, didn’t he? What was his name? Luka?’

  ‘Luukas.’ Drew shook his head and sighed. ‘I waited at Heathrow for seven hours on Christmas Eve before I accepted he wasn’t going to take me home to meet his family. Eight months together then absolutely nothing. Wiped from social media. Gone.’ He raised his hands and splayed his fingers like a magician to illustrate his point.

  ‘And you never heard from him again?’

  ‘Not a word. The relationship was going brilliantly. Or at least I thought it was. We hadn’t had any arguments. He’d come out when he was sixteen and his parents had met previous boyfriends so it was nothing to do with that. Seriously, Jem, there was no reason for it to end. That’s what gets me. I still don’t know if I said or did something wrong. I don’t know if he met someone else or if an ex came back on the scene. I’d have been devastated if he’d had the guts to actually dump me, but at least I’d have had closure. Ghosting just left me in limbo. Two-and-a-half years later and I still think about it and wonder what the hell happened. That’s why I’ve avoided relationships ever since. I couldn’t cope if the same thing happened again.’

  ‘That’s awful, Drew. It’s so cruel.’

  ‘I know.’

  We both sat in silence for a while. I tossed around the idea of Scott ghosting me. Could he have done? No! He wouldn’t do that. ‘Scott asked me to marry him,’ I said. ‘Why would he do that if he was planning to dump me? It doesn’t make sense. There must be another explanation.’

  I could tell from Drew’s expression that he didn’t think so.

  ‘Have you tried to call him at work?’ he asked.

  ‘I don’t know the name of his company. Don’t look at me like that! It’s not like he works for a big household name.’

  ‘What do they do? Maybe we could find it on that basis.’

  ‘I don’t know.’ I felt my cheeks flush. What a crap fiancée I was. ‘Stop looking so shocked!’

  ‘I think we might have found the reason why he’s ghosted you. You don’t listen to a word he says.’

  I nudged Drew in the ribs. ‘I do listen. He told me exactly what he does when we first met but I didn’t understand it. It’s got something to do with energy and renewables. I think. We have so little time together that we try not to waste it talking shop. And he’s not ghosted me. He can’t have.’

  Drew gave me a look that clearly said, “Yeah, and I thought the same about Luukas.” He picked up my laptop and moved onto the sofa. ‘I’ll Google energy companies. Where’s it based?’

  I cringed. ‘I don’t know that either. He’s not based in an office. He goes all over the country. Maybe the Nottingham area because he used to live there.’

  ‘Let’s start with Nottingham, then, and work out from there.’

  A couple of hours later, I’d scribbled down a list of companies in Nottinghamshire, Leicestershire, Derbyshire, their websites and their phone numbers, along with a back-up list for the West Midlands just in case.

  ‘It’s a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack,’ I said, staring at the list.

  ‘It might even be the wrong haystack,’ Drew muttered. ‘But at least it’s a start. I can’t think of anything better. Can you?’

  ‘Phone the police and report him as a missing person?’

  Drew closed my laptop and gently laid it on the coffee table. ‘You’ve already done that, haven’t you?’

  I lowered my eyes, nodding.

  ‘What did they tell you?’

  ‘That it didn’t sound like a police matter and… well, I think he was suggesting I’d been dumped but was too polite to say so.’

  ‘Let’s try the list, eh? I’m off tomorrow. I’ve got some stuff to do in the morning but I don’t mind ringing round some places in the afternoon while you’re at work.’

  ‘Would you really do that for me?’

  He smiled. ‘I’d do anything to put a smile back on that gorgeous face of yours.’

  A scrabbling outside the door, a clatter of keys, and peals of laughter suggested Leah and Tiff were back from their double date.

  ‘That’s absolutely the last time I meet up with someone off Tinder,’ Leah cried, bursting through the door. ‘From now on, it’s swipe left to everyone.’

  ‘Which means you might as well delete your Tinder account,’ suggested Tiff.

  ‘Oh yeah! Good point. No more Tinder for me.’ Leah threw herself onto the sofa next to Drew
.

  ‘I take it the date didn’t go well?’ Drew asked.

  ‘The reason they wanted to date us was because we’re twins,’ Tiff called, heading for the kitchen area. ‘Dirty gits fancied a foursome. Water, Leah?’

  ‘Yes, please,’ Leah said. ‘Apparently we completely screwed up the fantasy by being non-identical twins although I’d have thought that was pretty obvious from our photos.’

  Tiff returned from the kitchen and handed Leah a glass of water. ‘I knew something was up when they kept asking Leah if she’d consider dying her hair blonde and having a streak put in it.’

  ‘One of them asked if we ever dressed the same and, when they heard that Tiff was a nurse, they asked if I’d dress up in one of her spare uniforms.’ Leah shuddered. ‘Needless to say, we won’t be seeing them again. What are you two up to?’

  ‘Nothing much,’ I said. ‘Just a bit of detective work seeing as my fiancé might have ghosted me.’

  Tiff sat down on the coffee table. ‘No! Has he cut you off?’

  I nodded, blinking back the ready tears.

  ‘Why would he do that?’ Leah cried. ‘Why would he propose then dump you days later?’

  ‘Your guess is as good as mine.’ I stood up. I couldn’t face going through it all again. ‘I’m going to call it a night. See you in the morning.’

  ‘Night, Jemma.’

  Drew caught my hand and gently squeezed it as I passed him. He’d been so supportive. I don’t know what I’d have done if he’d have gone out straight from work too.

  As soon as I closed the door to the living area, I crumbled again. With Mum’s Parkinson’s diagnosis, if there was ever a time I needed Scott, it was right now. Yet, for whatever reason, he’d removed himself from my life and I felt completely and utterly bereft. Please let the company phone calls work because there was no way I could do what Drew had done and carry on for two-and-a-half years not knowing. I still felt like I had unfinished business with Dad, never getting to know who he was, without having unfinished business with Scott too. Our relationship couldn’t be over. It just couldn’t be. Yet it looked like it was, at least from his perspective, and I needed to know why.