Bear With Me

by Jessica Redland

  I sighed. ‘And you haven’t seen her for years?’

  He shook his head. ‘We were maybe 14 or 15 last time. We weren’t friends. Not that she wasn’t a lovely girl. It’s just that we didn’t know each other well enough to be mates.’

  ‘It’s fine. I knew what you meant. Balls. It’s going to be full of people I don’t know who most likely barely knew Nikki either, but they’ll all be looking at me. I can’t stand all the sympathetic looks and whispers. And it’ll be worse tonight if Hailey or Zack have told them about…’

  ‘Told them about what?’ Stevie asked when I didn’t finish the sentence.

  ‘You might as well know. Nikki was pregnant when she died. We’d had our first scan that morning so nobody knew and I kept it that way until this week. Zack wasn’t impressed.’

  Some people make out that blokes don’t talk, or at least they don’t talk about difficult subjects and feelings, but the three of us talked non-stop that afternoon, really setting the world to rights. We talked about Nikki’s death, the baby, and how running away to London hadn’t been the answer. We talked about how Stevie had dealt with losing his baby and how Maddy had screwed him up so badly that he’d thought he’d never be able to commit to a long-term relationship again. Rob shared how he’d felt when he realised he was attracted to men as well as women, and how messed up he’d been after he’d split up with his girlfriend in Bristol after she found out that he’d dated men before but hadn’t told her. And I told them about Jemma.

  ‘Seriously, mate, you should be with her,’ Stevie slurred, pointing his finger at me and swaying slightly. How many pints had we had? Six? Zack and Hailey weren’t going to be impressed. Better not have any more.

  ‘Another beer?’ Rob asked, indicating the empties obliterating the table.

  ‘Go on, then.’ What difference would one more make?

  Rob headed off towards the bar, ricocheting off a table he’d misjudged en-route.

  ‘You think so?’ I asked, returning to Stevie’s comment.

  ‘She sounds lovely. D’you love her?’

  ‘Yeah. Didn’t think I’d love anyone again after Nikki. Didn’t think lightning would strike twice.’

  ‘Then tell her. Don’t lose her.’

  ‘Only been a year,’ I said. ‘Too soon?’

  ‘Noooooo! Just a number. Nikki’d want you to be happy, yeah?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Jemma makes you happy, yeah?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Bollocks to everyone else, then. Took me…’ He squinted and started counting on his fingers, but the maths was obviously too hard with six pints inside him and he couldn’t coordinate his fingers either. He gave up. ‘Took me 14 years or summat like that to find love again. If you’ve found it, grab it. Might not happen again.’

  ‘What if she won’t take me back?’

  ‘Then it wasn’t meant to be. Move on.’

  ‘What about the baby?’

  Stevie shrugged. ‘What about the baby? Nikki was pregnant, Nikki died, baby died, but you’re still alive and you need to live your life. You say you haven’t grieved for the baby but you have. You’ve grieved for Nikki and the baby was part of her. You don’t need to start again. They’re both gone, but you’re here and you’ve found someone you love and, if she loves you too, you might have your own babies one day. When Maddy and I lost Rebecca, it was horrendous but I got over it. Rebecca was one of those babies who wasn’t meant to make it, just like yours. Now I have two babies of my own. Melody’s not mine biologically but she’s still as much my baby as Tristan is. I’ll never forget Rebecca and neither of them are a replacement. It’s just how life is. You can ride the waves or you can get caught in the riptide. Which do you choose, Sam?’

  ‘The waves.’

  ‘Then you choose life. You choose the future. You choose Jemma.’

  ‘I choose beer,’ Rob said, placing three pints on the table.

  ‘Me too!’ I said, laughing.

  ‘And me!’ Stevie said.

  We clinked our pints together. ‘To Nikki and the baby,’ I said.

  ‘To the waves, to life, to the future, and to Jemma,’ Stevie said.

  Walking round The Headland from The Lobster Pot on South Beach to Zack and Hailey’s beach hut on North Beach had seemed like a good idea. Thing is, I could barely walk. I certainly couldn’t walk in a straight line. Not that The Headland was straight; it was a steady curve. Maybe that was the problem: I was trying to walk in a straight line but kept bumping into the sea wall instead. My legs and knees were going to be so bruised, but at least I’d have sobered up. A bit.

  My phone rang. ‘Mum?’

  ‘Sammy? Where are you? We’ve been here since five.’

  ‘What time is it now?’

  ‘6.45.’

  Was it? Hadn’t meant to stay in the pub that long. ‘I’m walking round The Headland now.’

  ‘People are asking after you.’

  ‘I’ll be there soon.’ I hung up before she had a chance to say anything else.

  So it had started and I wasn’t even there: the talking, the whispering, the sympathetic looks. I knew it.

  I’ve no idea how long the walk took me, but I finally made it round to North Beach. I heard them as soon as I rounded North Beach Corner; voices and music drifting towards me. I imagined the laughter and chatter stopping as I approached, and shivered at the idea.

  A couple of women in their fifties jogged past me. They must have stopped and turned around because they jogged past me in the other direction soon after. I squinted. One of them looked like she’d been involved in an explosion in a pink lycra factory. My eyes!

  Mum had to have been watching out for me because she stopped me some way from the party. My unsteady approach must have shown clear signs of inebriation because the first thing she said was, ‘Oh, Sammy, I thought you might have only had a couple of pints with your friends.’

  ‘I did. And then a couple more. And a couple more. And a couple more after that.’

  She sighed and I waited for a lecture but she looped her arm through mine instead and slowly pulled me along the promenade. ‘I suppose you have a good excuse, but I wish you’d waited until you got here before drowning your sorrows.’

  ‘Sorry. It helped.’

  ‘Good. Fortunately, Hailey and Zack are well-oiled so hopefully they won’t notice the state of you.’

  ‘Where’s Dad?’

  ‘Roped into barbeque duty.’

  ‘There’s a barbeque? In November?’ I sniffed the air and realised I could smell sausages and burgers.

  She rolled her eyes. ‘Five of them. It’s all got a bit out of hand if you ask me, but she was their daughter so it’s up to them how they recognise the year’s anniversary.’

  There must have been about 60 or 70 people milling around in front of the beach huts, on the promenade, and on the beach. Small gathering my arse.

  ‘I need a beer,’ I said.

  ‘I could do with one myself, but I agreed to drive. Being drunk is probably the best way to get through this shenanigans.’

  Hailey spotted us and made a beeline for me, arms outstretched. ‘He’s here!’ she cried. ‘Everyone! Sam’s here!’

  Cue sympathetic looks from every direction. Nudging. Whispering. Arse!

  ‘Would you like a drink?’ she asked, releasing me.

  ‘Yes. Definitely.’

  A woman I’ve never seen before thrust a lager into my hand, then Hailey grabbed my arm and proceeded to parade me around, introducing me with the same cringe worthy statement: ‘This is Sam, Nikki’s fiancé. She was expecting their baby when it happened, you know. He lost everything that day. Everything.’ Cocked heads, sympathetic smiles, watery eyes. I couldn’t bear it. Out of respect to Nikki, though, I let the charade continue and repeated to stranger after stranger, �
��It’s been a difficult year.’

  Someone pressed a plastic cup into my hand. I turned around. ‘Dad?’

  ‘Vodka and coke,’ he said. ‘Thought you might need something stronger to get through this.’

  I nodded then knocked it back in one. Thanks to the long walk, the beer buzz had gone and I needed something else to take the edge off.

  ‘She’s introduced you to the world and his wife now,’ he said. ‘I think you’re safe.’

  ‘It’s hideous,’ I whispered.

  ‘I know. Another?’

  ‘Hell yeah!’

  He returned with another and I knocked it back in one, coughing.

  ‘What was that? Paint stripper?’

  Dad laughed. ‘I might have been a bit generous with the vodka, but not the coke.’

  Zack shouted his name. ‘Barbeque duty calls,’ he muttered. ‘Yippee! Drinks are in the beach hut if you want another.’

  ‘I’m good for now. Can you take this?’ I handed him my empty cup. ‘Do you think they’d notice if I left?’

  He shrugged. ‘I think Hailey’s done her bit with you, but I reckon you should stick it out for a bit longer. If you can cope with it.’

  Dad headed off to flip burgers and I headed towards the drinks table. Sod it. I’d regret it in the morning, but I needed one more drink. Maybe not a triple vodka, though.

  Bottle of lager in hand, I made my way to the edge of the promenade, past the crowd, and slowly lowered myself to a seated position, with my legs dangling over the edge. ‘Sorry, Nikki,’ I whispered into the darkness, holding my bottle up to the sky. ‘You’d have hated this. We drank to you in the pub, though. You’d have liked that.’

  The afternoon had been spot on. Great company, great beer, great conversation. They’d both loved and lost but they’d bounced back and were happy with their new lives. I could be happy with mine. Hopefully Jemma was still on for seeing me tomorrow night so I could apologise for been such a tosser over the whole baby business.

  A pair of cold hands covered my eyes from behind and a female voice whispered, ‘Guess who?’

  My heart raced. ‘Jemma?’

  ‘You can call me that if it turns you on.’

  Shit! I shrugged her hands off me and spun round. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’

  Kirsty giggled as she sat down beside me, bashing into me as she did so. Obviously drunk. Like me. She moved closer so that her thigh pressed against mine. I shuffled along. So did she.

  ‘Quit it!’ I said. ‘Why are you here? You weren’t friends with Nikki.’

  She giggled again. ‘What’s she got to do with it? Jeremy invited me.’

  ‘Who’s Jeremy?’

  ‘New doctor. Moved in next door to Nikki’s parents. They invited him to the party and he invited me.’

  ‘It’s not a party.’

  She looked over her shoulder towards the throng of people in front of the beach hut. ‘It’s doing a pretty good impression of a party if you ask me.’

  ‘Well, it’s not meant to be a party. It’s meant to be a small group of friends and family celebrating Nikki’s life.’

  ‘Oh yes, it’s the anniversary today, isn’t it? One year. Are you sad?’ She reached out to touch my cheek.

  ‘Get off me!’ I dropped down a foot or so onto the sand, but Kirsty did the same.

  ‘What do you want?’ I snapped.

  ‘Isn’t it obvious?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I want the same thing I’ve wanted since the Christmas party five years ago. I want you.’

  ‘Jesus, Kirsty, what’s wrong with you? You had me, remember, but I wasn’t enough for you. You wanted others too.’

  She stroked my arm but I shrugged her off and moved away, staggering a bit on the uneven beach.

  ‘Don’t be like that, Sam. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I wouldn’t do that again.’

  ‘Have you heard yourself? You’re here with some bloke called Jeremy. You’re probably still seeing that Italian bloke and now you’re giving me the come on.’

  ‘They don’t mean anything to me. It’s you that I want. Please, Sam. Give me another chance.’

  I strode away from her and away from the party, feeling very sober all of a sudden. ‘Go away, Kirsty.’

  ‘Sam!’ She ran after me. ‘Please!’

  I continued walking. ‘I’m not interested.’

  ‘Then what about a quickie for old time’s sake? You know you loved it when I let you put your–’

  ‘Stop it!’ I spun around. ‘Seriously, Kirsty. You’ve got to stop doing this. It’s not all about sex, you know.’

  ‘It should be.’

  ‘No it shouldn’t. Stop hurling yourself at a different bloke every night. You’re degrading yourself.’

  She planted her hands on her hips. ‘What’s so wrong with liking sex?’

  ‘Nothing. But you’re shutting yourself off to everything else.’

  ‘You’re a fine one to talk,’ she cried. ‘My fiancée’s dead, boo hoo. I can’t cope, boo hoo. I’m running away to London, boo hoo.’

  I stared at her, wondering what the hell I’d ever seen in her. At that moment, she disgusted me. There wasn’t a single caring or compassionate bone in her body. She was nothing like Nikki or Jemma.

  ‘Go back to your new fuck-buddy,’ I said, turning and heading down the beach again.

  She ran after me and shoved me from behind. ‘Nobody turns me down.’

  ‘I think you’ll find they just did.’

  ‘You think you’re so high and mighty, Dr Jones, but you’re nothing special, you know. You and Nikki? I’d have given it another year then she’d have seen what a boring piece of shit you are. All looks and no substance.’

  I turned to face her again. ‘Then why are you so desperate to have me back?’

  ‘I like a challenge. Come on, Sam. So you don’t love me anymore, but even you can’t resist me.’ She unzipped her jacket.

  ‘You’re right. I don’t love you. But I can resist you.’

  ‘No you can’t.’ She swiftly unbuttoned her top and pulled it aside. She had no bra on, which didn’t surprise me. She’d often gone out braless or commando, saying it gave her a thrill. And in the early days, it had given me a thrill too. Not anymore.

  ‘Put them away, Kirsty.’

  She ran her hands over her breasts and down her stomach. She had an incredible figure, but it no longer turned me on.

  ‘You know you want me really,’ she said, rubbing her fingers over her nipples.

  I shook my head. ‘I don’t. Put your clothes back on, Kirsty.’

  Without warning, she lunged at me. I stepped backwards and tripped over something – an abandoned sandcastle perhaps. Next thing I knew, I was sprawled flat on my back, winded. I tried to catch my breath but I Kirsty saw her chance and straddled me. She grabbed my hands and cupped them over her breasts. I yanked them away.

  ‘Screw me, Sam,’ she whispered. ‘Right here on the beach.’ She grappled with my belt, pulling it loose from the buckle.

  ‘Get off me!’

  ‘Nobody needs to know. It’ll be our secret.’

  She pressed against my chest and started kissing me. I cringed at the touch of her lips. Finally getting my breath back, I managed to roll her over so that she was laid on her back and I was on all fours on top of her. She let out a little squeal of excitement and arched her back as though this was part of the foreplay.

  ‘Listen to me carefully,’ I hissed. ‘I don’t need you, I don’t want you, and I have zero respect for you for hurling yourself at me on the anniversary of Nikki’s death on the beach where she and my baby died. You need to get yourself dressed, go back to your boyfriend, and stay away from me forever. Do you hear me?’

  ‘Ooh, I love it when you’re all angry like this.’ She
licked her lips and arched her back again, thrusting her breasts into the air.

  I scrambled to my feet and re-fastened my belt as Kirsty lay on the sand, watching me. ‘Are you sure I can’t tempt you?’

  ‘I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. Get up and go home.’ I reached out a hand to help Kirsty to her feet but she ignored it.

  Propping herself up on her elbows, she said, ‘Last chance.’

  ‘It’s over,’ I said. ‘It was over before I met Nikki and it will never start again. Go home, Kirsty. Leave me alone. Please.’

  Kirsty sulkily pulled her top across her breasts. ‘You’ll regret turning me down.’

  ‘I’ll learn to live with it.’

  Chapter 39

  Jemma

  ‘You’re sure you don’t want to join in?’ Karen asked, putting her right foot up on the bench beside me and tightening the laces on her trainers.

  I shook my head and indicated the grey woollen dress and boots I’d been wearing for work. ‘I’m hardly dressed for it.’

  ‘This is true. Cute dress, though.’

  ‘I’ll sit on this bench and watch you work your magic. Well, what I can see in the streetlights.’

  ‘Okay. I’ll be about an hour then you have my undivided attention.’ She put her foot down and sighed. ‘I’m sorry, Jem. I wish I could talk now because I can tell that something’s upset you big time.’

  Tears threatened to break loose again. ‘Go! I’ll be fine. Your clients need you. I think that’s one arriving now.’

  ‘Crap! Laters.’ Karen picked up her clipboard and backpack then bounded across the grass towards the sea wall where a woman in her fifties encased in fluorescent pink lycra was waiting. Wow! I didn’t need the streetlights to see her!

  I leaned back on the bench and looked past Karen and her client towards the sea, then up and down the promenade. Watching a group of women in their fifties working out wasn’t how I’d envisaged spending my evening, but I couldn’t face being at Bear’s Pad alone after Fiona’s surprise visit and shock revelation that afternoon.

  Scott was dead. He was actually dead. I couldn’t get my head around it. Fiona said it had been a massive heart attack. He’d been at a convention when it happened. Apparently he’d been complaining about chest pains to one of his colleagues but he thought he’d pulled a muscle putting up the stand. At his age, you wouldn’t imagine it to be something more serious. After lunch, he said he didn’t feel right. Twenty minutes later, he collapsed. By the time the ambulance arrived, it was too late. Gone. Age 32. A post-mortem had revealed a congenital heart defect that had gone undetected. He’d been a ticking time bomb and hadn’t known it.