Bear With Me

by Jessica Redland

  I Thor-t that it was my fault, that somehow I was bad

  I Thor-t that I could block them out; the things that made me sad

  But then I met you, Jemma. You burst onto the scene

  Your passion for your family awoke me from my dream

  I Thor-t that I could see a patch of blue in that dark sky

  I Thor-t that I could laugh again; I didn’t have to cry

  I Thor-t that we could be good friends, but knew I wanted more

  I Thor-t that I should tell you you’re the one that I adore

  I Thor-t it was good timing, but you said, “bear with me”

  I Thor-t that I was ready, but I simply could not see…

  That I was still being haunted by the memories from the past

  I needed to get closure if my new love was to last

  I knew that I would miss you from the day I left your side

  I knew your kiss would linger; that could not be denied

  I knew I’d hear your laughter in every single place

  I knew I’d long to hold you, and take it at your pace

  I knew I had to be there, handing you my heart

  I knew I really loved you. I didn’t want to part

  I Thor-t that I could write a poem. It’s harder than it seems!

  You’re the one I think of, Jem. You’re always in my dreams

  You didn’t want to take a chance with me so far away

  I’m in the Bay right here and now and this is where I’ll stay

  I’ll bear with you as long as you need. I know we could be great

  Take your time. I know you’re hurt. But I know you’re worth the wait

  Yours always

  Sam xx

  I don’t know at what point in the poem the tears started – probably the first line where he’d expressed so much pain at his loss – but they kept rolling down my cheeks.

  ‘Was it that bad?’ he asked, when I looked up.

  ‘Beautiful,’ I whispered. ‘Absolutely beautiful.’ I wiped my eyes with my hands and sniffed. Sam passed me his paper napkin, which I gratefully accepted.

  ‘Did you mean it?’ I asked, when I’d pulled myself together.

  He reached across the table and took my hand in his. ‘Every single word. I want to be with you, Jemma, but I don’t want to rush you into anything that’s too soon for you or not right for you. I know you’ve been hurt and I know you’ve only just found out the truth about Scott so your emotions are going to be in turmoil. I also know how much honesty means to you so I want to be completely truthful about how I feel with no expectations or commitments. If and when you’re ready to tell me you feel the same, then I’m waiting. But if you don’t feel the same, then I understand and all I ask is that you’re truthful with me in return. I’ve been lucky enough for lightning to strike me twice but, just because I feel that way, it doesn’t mean that’s how you’re going to feel.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m babbling. Sorry.’

  I stroked his hand with my thumb. ‘I don’t know what to say. I wasn’t expecting to see you today or to have any of this.’

  ‘Honestly, Jemma, you don’t have to say anything. All I’m asking is for us to spend some more time together and to go out on some dates. Proper dates. We’ll take it slowly. Would you be willing to give it a try and see how you feel?’

  I smiled at him. ‘So, it’s removals service, relationship advice, courier, superhero, and poet is it? Is there no end to your abilities?’

  He laughed. ‘I’m pretty certain they might have ended with the poetry.’

  ‘It was amazing. It really was. Thank you.’ I glanced at the gift I had for him. ‘I’d like you to open your present now, if that’s okay. It will help to answer your question.’ I stood up and passed the large gift to him.

  ‘I’ve got you something else too,’ he said, his eyes widening as he took hold of my large gift. ‘It wasn’t just the poem.’

  I nervously watched him gently unfasten the ribbon and then peel back the tape. He removed the wrapping, exposing the back of a wooden picture frame. Turning the picture around to the correct side, he gasped. He studied each of the images carefully as I crouched beside him, watching the emotions wash over him, hoping I hadn’t spectacularly misjudged how he’d react to it.

  He finally turned to me, his eyes sparkling with tears. ‘It’s… I can’t… Jem, I…’

  Panic filled me. I had spectacularly misjudged it. ‘You hate it?’

  He shook his head, his eyes so tender, I felt like I could turn into a pool of liquid on the spot. ‘I love it.’ He gently placed it beside him then reached out and tenderly cupped my head between his hands and kissed me with the most dreamy, body-melting kiss.

  A little cough pulled us apart. ‘Sorry,’ Hollie said. ‘I’ve got your starters. Farmhouse paté and warm rolls. All homemade.’

  She placed a couple of plates down and made a swift exit, grinning. It looked delicious but I didn’t feel like eating. I had better things to do. Sam kissed me again then reluctantly stopped when his stomach grumbled loudly, making us both laugh.

  ‘Sorry, he said. ‘I didn’t have any lunch today. Too busy planning things.’

  I smiled as I reluctantly returned to my seat. ‘Tuck in.’

  ‘Before I do, I have to ask about this.’ He picked up the frame and gently leaned it against the wall so we could both see it. ‘Did you draw it?’

  I shook my head. ‘That would be a no. I can draw bears but that’s where my artistic talents end. One of Drew’s friends, Evan, does this for a living. He’s the one who posted those pictures of Drew’s ex at that engagement party which caused Drew’s meltdown. Anyway, I sketched him a rough outline of what I wanted to create and he bought it to life. The man’s a genius. It’s better than I imagined.’

  We both looked at the picture. Made up of a series of smaller frames, Evan had created comic book style key scenes from what Sam had told me about his life with Nikki. It started with him in his car on the phone to Jack, telling him that he didn’t want to go on the date with Nikki. The next cartoon was him meeting Nikki on the steps while she was in her wetsuit, then him wiping out on his first surfing attempt, and a celebratory drink afterwards. Frame five had him catching his first wave, followed by one of him kissing Nikki on the beach. I wasn’t aware of any pivotal moments after that until they got the campervan and he proposed so I’d asked Evan to create a couple of images showing that. Frame eight showed them walking along the beach looking at an image of a scan. I’d agonised over the next image. Should I have Nikki holding her hand up to her head? Sam cradling Nikki in his arms? In the end, I chose an image of Sam on the beach, all alone, looking at the rock pools with his head bowed. The next frame had him packing up the campervan, followed by an arrival in London, driving past a classic London cityscape.

  Then our story began: him knocking Tiff flying the night they met, him meeting me in The George and Dragon for the first time, rushing home with me when Drew had his meltdown, and rushing home with me again when Mum went AWOL. Frame 16 showed him looking at the bears for his nieces in my bedroom, then me feeding him wine gums as he moved me back to Whitsborough Bay, followed by him giving me a pint of hot chocolate outside Blue Savannah after my altercation with Mum.

  My favourite image was the next one: Sam standing by the rock pools with a shaft of sun beaming down on him. I stood nearby, looking up at the sun, a look of wonder on my face. Evan captured the run-in we’d had with Kirsty and then Sam running away, leaving me looking devastated. A few more frames captured the beach hut party, Kirsty pursuing him along the beach, then him explaining to Karen and me that it wasn’t what it looked like.

  The final three images were of us kissing in the park at the end of Castle Street, me disappearing into the crowd as he watched me, then one of both of us looking wistfully out of separate windows, mobiles in our h
ands, looking lost.

  Evan had finished with a big “What happens next?” image followed by a couple of blank frames.

  Throughout our starters, Sam kept glancing towards the frame and smiling. ‘So, what does happen next?’ he asked after Hollie cleared our plates.

  ‘I think we go on more dates. Proper ones, as you say, and see where it takes us.’

  ‘You’re sure you’re ready?’

  ‘I think so, but bear with me if I have wobbles. I’m scared, Sam.’

  He reached out and took my hand. ‘I know. So am I. We’ve both lost someone we loved and starting again is a huge thing, but I think they’d both want us to. I know Nikki would have liked you.’

  ‘I reckon Scott would have liked you too.’

  Sam smiled. ‘I think that’s one of the many reasons why we’re so perfect together. We understand there’s been someone else who was the keeper of our hearts first, but they were taken away from us. You’re not Nikki and I don’t want you to be. I want you to be you and I want us to have our own memories, like this place which has no memories of either of them. I’m not Scott either and I know you don’t want me to be. But Scott and Nikki are very important to us and we should continue to remember them because they’re part of who we are today.’

  A tear slipped down my cheek. How did he do it? How did he reach into my soul and find the biggest fear I had, and manage to reassure me about it?

  ‘So after I’ve completely ruined the mood, would you like your other gift?’ Sam asked.

  I smiled. ‘You didn’t ruin anything. You voiced one of my fears that I could never compare to what you had with Nikki.’

  ‘You don’t need to compare to her. There are things about you that remind me of her, and there are things about you that are nothing like her but it’s the whole package that I fell for; not the reminders. It’s you I love, Jemma. You.’

  ‘You really are a superhero,’ I said.

  ‘Which is the perfect link to this.’ He handed me a box gift-wrapped in superhero paper, which made me laugh. ‘Happy Christmas, Jemma. This is the keeper of the scroll.’

  I swiftly unwrapped the gift, opened up the lid of the box, and grinned. It was a Ju-Sea Bear, dressed in a skirt, cape and breastplate, holding a hammer in one hand. I lifted him out and gazed at his face. ‘My very own superhero bear. He’s absolutely gorgeous. When did you and Mum conspire about this?’

  Sam laughed. ‘I couldn’t possibly breach patient confidentiality.’

  ‘I love him. I’m sure he’ll take great care of the scroll.’ I looked up at Sam and smiled. ‘Are you sure you’re okay to bear with me? Just for a short while.’

  He lifted up one of my hands and kissed it gently. ‘We can take it as slowly as you like. There’s no pressure for anything. I know you’re still hurting about Scott and I did kind of turn up without warning. After what you said on the day we said goodbye, I knew it was no good promising I’d leave London. Actions speak louder than words.’

  ‘It’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for me. That, and the bear, and the poem. I can’t believe you gave up your career for me.’

  Sam shrugged. ‘A wise woman once suggested that a choice between a great CV or being surrounded by friends and family was a no-brainer. She was right. That day I saw your mum, when I turned up in a suit, I’d been to York Hospital to explore opportunities there. I’d have done the commute for you, but they had nothing, so I got Jack to put feelers out in Whitsborough Bay. I was lucky that there were so many complaints against Dr Steadman and they were keen to replace him but I’d have moved back here for you, even if I hadn’t been able to secure my old job back.’

  ‘Really? What would you have done?’

  His eyes twinkled with mischief. ‘Thor and I would have toured the North Yorkshire coast offering our removals, relationship advice, courier, superhero, and poetry services of course.’

  I laughed. ‘You’d have been amazing at it. I look forward to discovering what other talents you have.’

  ‘I’ll drink to that,’ Sam said, clinking his glass against mine.

  ‘I’ve heard a good way to seal a deal is with a kiss,’ I said. ‘And I do believe I might have just spotted some mistletoe hanging up by that tree.’

  We didn’t make it to the mistletoe. As I kissed my very own superhero, my stomach fizzed and my heart sang. It had been a very bumpy journey to that point and I was still scared about surrendering myself completely again, but I knew that Sam was worth the risk. I suspected that he wouldn’t need to bear with me for very long because I already knew that I loved him and couldn’t live without him. And, after everything I’d been through over the past six months, I also knew that I was stronger than I’d ever realised. Yes, I still sobbed at everything from adverts to films to beautiful, romantic poems but Owen had been right; it wasn’t a sign of weakness. It was because I cared deeply and that was definitely a good thing.

  Chapter 44

  Sam

  New Year’s Day

  ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’

  Jemma took another look at the sea and nodded.

  ‘It’s pretty nippy today,’ I said.

  ‘You said it’s always cold in the North Sea.’

  ‘It is. But today it’s dull and cloudy and the forecast is for rain.’

  She looked up at the sky. ‘There’s some blue sky right over there.’

  I squinted into the distance. It was miles away. ‘I can pretty much guarantee that it’s going to rain before the blue sky hits us.’

  ‘So what if it does? We’ll already be wet from the sea. A bit of rain isn’t going to make much difference.’

  ‘I’m just thinking about you. It’s probably not the best weather for your first lesson.’

  Jemma removed a hairband from her wrist and tied her hair back. ‘Look, Sam, I want to do this. I know we talked about making our own memories but surfing is part of you – not just you and Nikki – and I want to share it with you. You’ve done something amazing for me by moving back here. I want to do something special for you. Besides, I’ve already done the worst part by forcing myself into this thing.’ She pointed to her wetsuit. ‘I might as well see it all the way through. Lesson one, please, Dr Jones.’

  On the sand, Jemma was a natural, but I remembered from personal experience that it was one thing mastering the moves on the stability of the beach, and something completely different trying to repeat them in the sea. She impressed me, though, giggling every time she wiped out. She didn’t moan about the cold or how tired she was. When the heavens opened, as predicted, she sat astride her board with her head back, her eyes closed, and her arms outstretched, smiling.

  ‘I think I almost made it to a kneeling position,’ she said when I insisted we call it a day. ‘You’ll have to bear with me again. I think I might be a slow learner.’

  I hugged her tightly. ‘You were amazing. You are amazing. Did you enjoy it?’

  ‘Surprisingly, yes. It wasn’t as cold as I expected although, now I’m out of the water, I’m nithered.’

  ‘Come on. Let’s get changed then do the other thing.’

  It had been Jemma’s idea. She said I’d already said goodbye to Nikki, but not the baby, and she needed to say goodbye to Scott. After we’d showered and changed in the facilities at The Surf Shack, we took three deep red roses and the wooden box containing Scott’s ashes to the rock pools at the end of North Beach. She’d looked it up. Apparently deep red roses signified love and grief.

  High tide was approaching and many of the rock pools had already disappeared beneath the sea.

  Picking up a stick a few feet from the shore, on the spot where Nikki had taken her last breath, Jemma wrote SCOTT in the sand. She kissed the petals of one of the roses, then gently placed it across his name. She handed me the stick and I wrote NIKKI and BABY, kissed the petals of the other tw
o roses and laid one on each name.

  We stood, hand in hand, watching the tide approach. After a few minutes, it licked the edge of Nikki’s name, moving the rose slightly. On the next pass, it took Nikki’s and Baby’s roses and scrambled their names. Jemma squeezed my hand. As the tide rolled in again, she opened the wooden box and sprinkled Scott’s ashes into the sea where they were taken with his rose and his name.

  I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head as we both whispered, ‘Goodbye.’

  A sudden brightening of the sky caused us both to look up. The clouds had parted and a shaft of sun beamed down on us for a very brief moment, before the clouds covered the sun again.

  ‘I think they approved,’ Jemma said. ‘All three of them.’

  ‘I think they did.’

  We stood for a moment, holding onto each other, until the rapidly approaching tide made us run for the steps. Standing on the promenade, leaning against the sea wall, we watched the tide come in and cover all of the rock pools.

  ‘I’ve got something for you,’ Jemma said, reaching into her bag. She passed me a purple envelope. ‘I got Evan to send these by special delivery.’

  ‘Evan? Is this what I think it is?’

  She nodded. ‘This is what happens next. Or one version of it.’

  I opened the envelope and took out three more cartoons. The first showed a beach with the three names and three roses across them, with the sea lapping against them. The next showed the two of us holding onto each other on the beach as a shaft of light came down on us.

  ‘I wasn’t expecting that to happen again,’ Jemma said as I stroked my thumb over the image. ‘I promise I’m not psychic. Before you turn to the last one, do you still feel the same way about me as you did when you wrote that poem?’

  ‘If it’s possible, spending so much time together over Christmas has made me love you even more.’

  Jemma nodded. ‘Do you think you could bear with me a bit more?’

  ‘I told you before, we can go as slowly as you like. I just want to be with you and I hope that, one day, you’ll feel the same.’