The Parliament of the Dead

by T. A. Donnelly

  For a few seconds there was silence. Tiggy decided that she would throw herself at the priest. She would almost certainly be killed, but perhaps she could buy her daughter enough time to run. Tiggy rocked back on her heels ready to jump forward when another voice stopped her short.

  “Hello Padre,”spat the red-haired ghost of Sweeney Todd, his menacing voice dripping with venom.

  “Bloody hell!”whispered Iona to her mother,“I never thought I’d be glad to see him!”

  Sweeney Todd and Father Pious stared each other in the face. Both sets of eyes were brimming with hatred.

  “Let’s leave them to it,”Tiggy whispered to Iona as she led her daughter backwards towards the kitchen.

  Iona allowed herself to be directed out of the room. She thought she heard her mother murmur,“If only I had my camera!”as they reached the corridor.

  The priest and the ghost stared at each other and Sweeney Todd was the first to speak. “Of all the breathers I’ave sent to join me in the grave, killin’you is going to be the most pleasurable.” He flicked open his razor while he spoke.

  Father Pious jerked his arms out to point his guns at Sweeney Todd, but before he could take aim the Demon Barber swept forward and spun round, cutting two deep gashes in both of the priest’s arms.

  The guns clattered to the floor, coming to rest under the table where Father Thomas still lay bleeding. “Abomination!”Father Pious roared, as he reached inside his robe to find a glass vial of holy water which he hurled at the spirit.

  The glass container shattered above Sweeney Todd’s head, and he howled with pain as part of his face started to dissolve.

  The ghost lunged again, this time for Father Pious’head, but the priest was too quick, dropping to the floor like a stone, as Sweeney Todd swept over him. From his prone position Father Pious managed to retrieve one of his pistols.

  As the ghost turned back for another attack Father Pious let out a volley of shots, but the pain in his arms made it difficult to aim. The bullets flew wildly around the room, and Sweeney Todd had to dodge upwards and through the ceiling to avoid being hit.

  Chapter Fifty-Nine

  Behind You

  In the corridor Iona and Tiggy were arguing again.

  “What about the priest?” Iona was insisting.

  “Let them kill each other, come on!”cried Tiggy, trying to pull her daughter towards the exit.

  “No, I mean the one bleeding to death on the table!”

  The Grey Monk reappeared through the wall, now wearing his conventional habit, sandals and tonsured hair. “Whatever is happening now? Did I hear shooting?”he asked with a concerned expression.

  * * *

  Father Pious removed his outer robe and drew out the shotgun that had been strapped to his back. He looked at the wounds on his arms and grimaced. He would have to deal with this red-haired devil before he could attend to his injuries.

  Father Thomas looked towards him, his eyes wide with alarm. “Beee…haaa….”he struggled to speak. The dried blood that had started to cake around his lips was joined by a fresh flow.

  The older priest looked irritated. “What?”he snapped at his former colleague.

  “Beee…haaaa…nd… youuu!”

  “Bea hand you?” Father Pious repeated. “Talk sense man.” Then he straightened up. “Behind you!” He had just time to repeat the words he had finally realised Father Thomas had been trying to say when Sweeney Todd was upon him.

  The priest dropped his gun as the razor of the Demon Barber spun around him, inflicting cut after cut.

  After just a few seconds Father Pious fell to the floor and lay motionless, an expanding pool of blood exuding from his body.

  Chapter Sixty

  A Bloodstained Razor

  “I think the priest is dead.” The Grey Monk called back to the others. He had volunteered to spy on the fight while Iona and Tiggy escaped.

  “Which one?” Tiggy called from down the corridor.

  “The really nasty one with a love of weapons.”

  “How’s the other one, the guy on the table?” Iona shouted as she reappeared in the corridor and started to walk back towards the kitchen where the fight had taken place.

  “He looks like he’s about to join his boss.”

  As they rushed over to see the injured man Tiggy took out her mobile phone and dialled“9-9-9.”

  Tiggy had just summoned an ambulance when Sweeney Todd reappeared in the room. He motioned towards the body of Father Pious with his bloodstained razor.

  “You see, breather, violence usually is the answer after all,”the ghost spoke with a sneer,“and now I think its time for youto die.”

  The Grey Monk spun around the room in a panic:“I’ll get help, I’ll get help!”he cried as he disappeared through the window.

  Tiggy sucked air between her teeth angrily,“Why do you want to kill us? What have we done? We helped you!”

  While she was speaking she started to move away from Iona. At first Iona felt deserted, then she realised that her mother was trying to take the ghost’s attention away from her. “Without my daughter,”she continued,“you would still be running away from their attack on your parliament!”

  “Runnin’away?” Sweeney Todd sounded angry,“The Demon Barber of Fleet Street ain’t never run away, alive or dead.”

  “Well,”continued Tiggy,“you didn’t exactly stand and fight in the House of Lords…” As she spoke she was slowly edging towards the barred window, so that Sweeney Todd was in between the two‘breathers,’and he could not look at both at once.

  Iona was now behind Mr. Todd. She looked to the door; she could probably slip out without him noticing. Her mother was making the ghost angrier and angrier, and he seemed to have forgotten about her. However, Iona dismissed this thought as soon as it appeared; that would mean leaving her mother with an undead serial killer. Looking desperately around she saw the shotgun on the floor where Father Pious had dropped it.

  Tiggy glanced at Iona and followed her line of sight to see what her daughter had been looking at. Their eyes met for a moment and Tiggy made a small, almost imperceptible, shake of her head.

  Iona realised that her mother thought her plan was too dangerous.

  Sweeney Todd noticed Tiggy looking towards her daughter and turned towards Iona, his razor glinting in the light.

  “You!” The anger he had been directing towards Tiggy seemed suddenly to be transferred to her daughter. “The others wouldn’t listen to me; they listen to you.” He swished his blade in a figure-of-eight. “It won’t happen again. You’ll be the first to die!”

  Tiggy let out an ear-splitting scream of rage as she leapt towards the ghost.

  Sweeney Todd spun round to see her almost on top of him. She fell right through his spectral form and his face twisted in a sadistic smile. His smile faltered when he realised that she had snatched the razor from him as she fell.

  “It’s pathetic,”snarled the ghost,“how you breathers squirm and struggle for a few seconds more of your miserable lives. You can’t win against me, you do know that, don’t you?”

  While Sweeney Todd had been distracted Iona had picked up Father Pious’shotgun. She hoped and prayed that the safety-catch was off. She had no idea where the safety-catch was or what it looked like, and realised that she could be sliced into small cubes by the time she had found it.

  “Hey!”she called, a lot more confidently than she felt,“dead boy! Leave my mother out of this!”

  She pulled the trigger.

  The recoil from the gun pushed her backwards so she nearly fell, losing her grip on the weapon, which landed on the floor. She scrambled to pick it up again.

  Looking up, Iona realised she didn’t need the shotgun. Sweeney Todd was dissolving in a spinning cloud of light, the sound of his curses growing fainter and fainter.

  Iona and Tiggy scrambled across the floor to hold each other tightly.

  Chapter Sixty-One

  Help is Here

  “
Never fear,”called the Grey Monk,“help is here!” He flew into the room surrounded by other ghosts, ready to fight against Sweeney Todd.

  He stopped mid-flight, looking rather disappointed to see no signs of the renegade ghost.

  “It’s almost dawn,”Iona said to the Grey Monk. “Cardinal somebody-or-another is due to visit, you better leave in case he’s as vicious as Father Pious and his boys.”

  “He’s dead; we killed a priest! They will never leave us alone now, we will be hunted down.”

  “These people fear the truth above all else,”said Tiggy, “this disk should bring a halt to their activities.”

  As the sky started to turn red with the rising sun the ghosts began to melt away into the light.

  Tiggy found two chairs and placed them next to Father Thomas’s table, and they sat with him to wait for the ambulance to arrive. They looked at one another in silence. Iona noticed for the first time how much her mother’s eyes looked like hers (although she couldn’t help musing that they could do with a darker eyeliner).

  Mother looked at daughter, and daughter looked at mother, a small smile curling each of their lips.

  Iona was about to say something when Father Thomas let out a pitiful moan and vomited all over Tiggy’s shoes.

  The two women pulled faces of disgust at one another.

  “The Police will be here soon,”said Tiggy, glancing toward the window. “I only called the ambulance, but when I told them a man had been shot, I knew they’d send the Police as well.”

  “You don’t think we should run for it do you?”

  “No!”replied Tiggy quickly,“We’ve already left the scene at the House of Lords. We can’t keep running.”

  “I knew you’d say that, mum.”

  “But I really don't know how to explain all this to the Police.”

  “Well, if we want to stay outside of a mental asylum I suggest we don’t mention the ghosts.”

  “Well that takes away our reason for being here,”sighed Tiggy,“and places us at the scene of the vandalism of one of the nation’s most important and historic buildings.”

  “Cheer up, mum,”exclaimed Iona suddenly,“when you’ve been in as much trouble as I have you become an expert at making excuses.”

  Tiggy gave her daughter an exaggerated stern look, then smiled and said, finally,“OK, so what can the‘excuse queen’come up with to get us out of this one?”

  “Well, you told the security staff at the House of Lords that you’d been fixing the cameras for your documentary, so we stick with that story.”

  “But why would I bring my daughter with me in the middle of the night?”

  “Because,”Iona thought for a moment,“because, having seen the error of my ways, I decided to turn my suspension from school into some‘work-experience.’ That pig, Lord Garton, will back me up.”

  “I don’t know whether to be proud or upset that you’re so good at this.”

  Iona smiled and looked down in mock embarrassment. Then she wrinkled her nose:“Eww, mum, you might want to clean that sick off your shoes before spend the day in a police cell with feet smelling of a clergyman’s barf.”

  Tiggy pulled a face and walked off towards the bathroom.

  * * *

  As Iona mopped Father Thomas’brow, he opened his eyes. He tried a smile, but when he turned to look towards Iona he started to shake.

  “Beee…haaa….”he began to try and say.

  Iona placed her hand gently on his shoulder to stop him trying to sit up. “Hey,”she said in a calming voice,“it’s OK, help is on the way.”

  “Beee…haaaa…nd… youuu!” The priest continued trying to say something...

  Chapter Sixty-Two

  Bang!

  Tiggy cursed as she unwound a roll of toilet paper to wipe the mess off her shoes. She was particularly upset when she discovered that the vomit seemed to contain blood as well as the unfortunate priest’s last meal.

  “When people have adventures in books or films,”she muttered to herself,“you never hear about them having to clean up the mess afterwards…”

  * * *

  After a few moments Iona realised what Father Thomas was trying to say. She wheeled round to discover that Father Pious was standing up. Although he was stooped, obviously in pain, and bleeding heavily, the revolver in his hand looked as dangerous as ever.

  “They got the disk. They got away. But I’ve got you!” He pointed his gun at Iona. “And somebody has to be punished.”

  Father Thomas groaned in the corner,“No…n…o…no….”

  “Shut up you weak-minded traitor to the faith!”

  Father Thomas seemed to shrink back from his former leader’s insults. He rolled off the table and landed with a thud and a whimper on the kitchen floor.

  Blood was still pouring from the wounds that Sweeney Todd had inflicted on Father Pious. His white robes were streaked with red.

  Iona felt sure that it was only a matter of time before he would pass out because of the loss of blood, but by that time he could have killed them both.

  Father Pious’hands were trembling slightly; Iona could see he was trying to hold on to consciousness.

  * * *

  Iona held up her hands and began to protest,“Wait a minute…”

  He started to squeeze the trigger.

  Iona closed her eyes.

  * * *

  Bang!

  * * *

  Iona felt nothing. The room filled with the scent of incense and gunpowder. She opened her eyes to see Father Pious’body crumpled on the floor. Father Thomas lay propped up on the floor still holding the gun he had used to shoot his former leader.

  * * *

  Tiggy came running into the room with one shoe on and took in the scene.

  Father Thomas dropped the gun, as if it were something dirty, and began to cough.

  Before Tiggy could say anything she heard urgent knocking on the door. The ambulance had arrived.

  Chapter Sixty-Three

  Do Ye Feel Lucky?

  Father Pious looked at his body in horror. It was two metres in front of him, blood pouring from its head. He was a ghost.

  “No!”he cried,“this can’t be happening to me! Not me.”

  His cries turned into fevered prayers,“I was righteous, Lord. I did all I could for you, my God. Why do you not welcome me into heaven? Why have you forsaken me?”

  * * *

  The ghost of Morag had lingered in the street outside, watching the ambulance come and go. When she heard the gunshot she flew inside. She drifted through several rooms until she found the kitchen with Father Pious’corpse and his trembling ghost.

  She pursed her lips and glared at him, then bent down and picked up his gun. “I’ve only been dead a wee while; I’ve only just got the hang of picking things up.”

  She pointed the gun at the ghost of Father Pious.

  “Do ye think I can manage to pull this trigger? Do ye feel lucky? Well do ye?”

  Father Pious’ghost said nothing. He sat on the floor looking from his dead body to his new transparent ghostly hands.

  “Revenge is why I came back,”Morag continued,“if I get my revenge I can be reunited with my Harold.”

  Morag looked at the ghost of the man who had parted her from her husband. Father Pious was trembling and sobbing. “Wait a moment, Morag,”she said to herself,“I dinna ken, but I dinna think so.” She paused for a moment, before continuing,“All this time I’ve wanted revenge, but now it’s mine to take, I’m not so sure I want it.”

  She spoke directly to Father Pious,“Besides I think exorcising you would give you an easy way out. I think you need some time to think about how you spent your life.”

  Morag dropped the gun and turned away from the ghost.

  As the shotgun hit the floor, a light started to envelop Morag. “Oooh!”she gasped,“Harold, I’m coming!”she cried as her form started to dissolve into a bright light,“be a dear and put the kettle on.”

  The light fa
ded and she was gone.

  * * *

  “No!”cried Father Pious as he watched Morag’s ghost disappear.

  “God, why do you take this heathen abomination and not me?”

  His wailing was heard for miles around, and continued until dawn.

  Postcrypt

  Two weeks after Iona returned to school, Tiggy took her to her father’s grave. It was the first time they had visited it together since his funeral.

  * * *

  They stood looking at the gravestone, both unsure of what they should do.

  Iona stared hard at the engraved lettering on the stone. Tiggy clenched and unclenched her hands.

  After a few uncomfortable moments Tiggy spoke,“You’ll never guess who came to see me while you were at school today!”

  Iona thought back to the last few days at school. Had she done anything wrong that would merit a house-call from one of her teachers?

  Tiggy smiled at Iona’s concerned look. “Don’t worry, it was nothing bad, only a ghost.”

  “Who?”

  “That Grey Monk.”answered Tiggy. He wanted to thank me for helping him to become scary again. I told him that publicity would be the one thing the exorcists would be afraid of - so he made himself look like a reporter.”

  “I didn't know that was your idea mum.” Iona touched her forehead with her finger:“Genius!”

  Her mother smiled“I’m brilliant as well as modest. Genius runs in the family.”

  They smiled at each other, although their eyes were sad.

  Tiggy spoke again. “They made him the chair-spirit of the Parliament of the Dead.”

  “Who?”

  “The Grey Monk”

  “Cool.”

  “They have moved the parliament to a secret location. From a comment he made about it being fortunate that the dead had no sense of smell, I think it might be in the sewers.”