Forgetting August (Lost & Found #1)

by J. L. Berg

  Not wasting a second, I killed the engine and stepped away from the car, intent on my purpose. I had words—plenty of them—and I was ready to unleash them on my enemy.

  Because that’s what August was. My own version of Public Enemy Number One.

  He opened the door almost immediately after I began pounding on it. His happy, surprised expression faded just as quickly as the words began rushing from my lips.

  “You’ve ruined my life. Again!” I screamed, pointing my finger deep into his chest. His surprise gave way to confusion as he let me stumble my way over the threshold.

  “I don’t understand, Everly. What’s going on?”

  I grunted out a laugh. “You. You are what’s going on. Ever since you woke up, my life has been in turmoil. It wasn’t enough that you treated me poorly for years—no, now you have to ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  His hands went up in a defensive position as he slowly backed into the living room. My finger was still pressed deep into his chest and the way he looked down at it made me feel like I was pointing a loaded weapon at his heart.

  “Ryan left me!” I cried out, fresh tears dripping down my cheeks.

  His eyes rounded in sympathy. Sympathy I didn’t want or need.

  “No!” I yelled. “Don’t you dare say anything. You’ve done enough!”

  Stepping out of my reach, his eyes turned hard as he wrapped his arms around his torso. “What have I done exactly?”

  I yelled out in frustration, my hands going through my hair as I turned away from him. “He doesn’t think I love him. He says I need time.”

  “To do what?” he pressed.

  “To be with you!”

  “And you obviously don’t agree?” he asked slowly as I turned and met his gaze.

  “Look, I get that me coming here, announcing my split from Ryan is like a wet dream come true for you, but let me explain something—it’s temporary. We will get back together.”

  His expression turned heated. “You think I like seeing you show up like this? All wrecked and destroyed over another fucking guy? Do you think this pleases me somehow? Jesus, Everly—if I ever pictured you coming through that door again, it certainly wasn’t like this.”

  “I hate this,” I sobbed, “I hate this whole thing. Why did you have to wake up, August? Why now? Why couldn’t you have waited? Just a little bit longer? We could have been married—happy. Settled.”

  He shook his head, shock written all over his face. “Do you think anything would have really been different? Do you think the timing of this would have changed anything, Everly? That somehow marriage vows would have made the big difference in all of this?”

  “Yes!”

  “No—” he cut me off. “It wouldn’t. The only difference would be a marriage falling apart instead of an engagement.”

  “We’re getting back together!” I screamed.

  “Please,” he hissed. “If that were true, why was the first thing you did after he left to come here?”

  I opened my mouth to answer but the words fell flat as he stepped closer, pushing into my personal space. His scent surrounded me as his dark hazel eyes looked down with purpose.

  “Exactly,” he said softly. “You and I are the same. Both too scared to admit the cold, hard truth—moving on isn’t an option for us because we’re still stuck right damn here.”

  Pulling me closer, his mouth closed over mine. His kiss was brutal and hard. My gasp of surprise only pushed him further, digging his hands into my waist as he lifted me from the floor. The more I fought, the more punishing he became. We fought as my legs wrapped around his waist and my jagged teeth sank into his lip.

  Hearing him cry out in pain only fueled the fire that was raging uncontrollably in my belly, begging me to go further—to hurt him for everything I’d lost. He grabbed my hair roughly as I pushed us back onto the couch. We ripped clothes from our bodies in mindless frenzy. I had no idea what I was doing, only that he was the reason I was doing it. Time rushed by in a blur, as passion and pain dominated my mind.

  He was the reason for everything.

  Nothing was gentle. There were no lingering kisses, no words of praise as he pulled a condom from his wallet and quickly slipped it on. No thoughts of whether this was wrong or right passed through my head as we pushed and pulled at each other. His dark eyes met mine seconds before he lifted my naked body and slammed it down on his, culminating our wicked dance into something deeper.

  I cried out at the intrusion but he gave me no time to adjust as he moved me up and down over and over on his swollen cock. Every plot of vengeance…every fantasy of getting even was pushed aside as he worked my body over his. I let him own me in those minutes, giving it all up for those few shorts moments of bliss.

  My head fell back as he picked me up and flipped me over the back of the couch, spreading my legs wide.

  “Shit!” I yelled as he entered me from behind, his relentless pace never slowing as he moved hard and slow into me. I pushed back, feeling the hard line of his pelvic bone hit my ass as he grabbed my hips and pumped in and out.

  “Remember this,” he said, leaning over, against my ear. “Remember what this feels like when you go crawling back to your fiancé tomorrow, Everly. Remember what I feel like inside you. Don’t ever forget how we feel together.”

  His words had me breaking apart, coming like a tidal wave at each hard thrust. As I tightened around him, his speed picked up, moving faster until I felt him surrender to his own inevitable release and collapse next to me on the couch.

  Neither of us said anything as he stood and walked away, heading for the stairs.

  There was really nothing left to say.

  I could have left. I should have left. That is what a smart person would have done.

  But instead, I traced his steps up the familiar staircase.

  “Not the master,” I said as his hand went to the door handle of the bedroom we’d once shared. Without a single word, he walked until he reached the guest bedroom and waited.

  Without a single word, I followed.

  * * *

  The crashing waves did nothing to calm my weary nerves. I watched the early morning sun climb higher up the horizon under the large bank of fog that hung heavy over the city. After sneaking out of bed, I’d found my clothes scattered around the sofa with August’s things.

  I barely remembered removing them.

  Everything had happened so fast.

  And yet, when it was over, and the moment had passed…I hadn’t left. I hadn’t fallen to my knees begging with remorse and chastising myself over the inexcusable decisions I’d made.

  No, instead…I made them over and over again. All night long.

  Was this what Ryan had expected me to do? When he’d walked out the door last night, leaving me to choose—did he know I’d end up here? Did everyone seem to know me better than I did myself?

  Pushing away from the balcony edge, I pulled the blanket I’d grabbed from the living room tighter around my shoulders and headed back inside to make a cup of coffee. I felt no big rush to leave as long as August was still asleep. Today was my day off and it wasn’t as if I had anywhere else to go.

  I had no home anymore anyway.

  I had no home.

  That thought lodged in my brain and I halted mid-step in the kitchen, nearly spilling the bag of coffee grounds I was carrying.

  Oh dear god, I had nowhere to go. Did I?

  Ryan had been the one to walk out, but it had always been his apartment. I’d moved in with him—not the other way around. When we’d made the step to move in together, I had been living in a tiny apartment I’d found after I moved away from the cliffs and we’d thought it best to keep his. It was in a better area and larger.

  I couldn’t expect him to leave—especially now.

  After what I’d done.

  Setting the coffee down on the counter, I felt my heart rate double at the thought of being homeless. Visions of ratty sheets and seco
ndhand clothes filled my mind as my childhood raced back.

  I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t.

  Running toward the door, I grabbed my purse, ready to race back to the apartment.

  I had to plan—pack…something. Oh, god. What a mess I’d made.

  As soon as I opened the door, though, I nearly flew into a very surprised Brick, who had his hand up in the air preparing to knock. He righted me with one hand as I stumbled in my haste, bringing me upright to his curious gaze.

  “I didn’t expect to find you here,” he said, balancing a drink carrier with his free hand.

  “Really? This wasn’t your secret plan all along?” I sneered, hating myself for taking my anger out on Brick—but really hadn’t he orchestrated this all? Hadn’t he been the reason we were even seeing each other again in the first place?

  If he hadn’t shown up at my apartment all those weeks ago, would I still be engaged?

  Would I still be sitting in my warm, inviting little apartment planning out the rest of my years with Ryan?

  Or would I have eventually ended up in this same position?

  Somehow, I already knew the answer.

  “You want to go for a walk?” he asked, holding up his drink carrier. “I was supposed to meet August here for a morning hike down to the beach, but I’m guessing he forgot. Plus, I think you could use this coffee a bit more right now.”

  I eyed the paper cups in his hand and bit the corner of my lip reluctantly. “Okay, but only because you have coffee.”

  “I always know how to charm the ladies,” he chuckled, handing me a piping hot cup of joe. He dropped the cardboard carrier on the table by the front door and we headed out into the brisk morning air. The fog that had settled overnight was slowly starting to clear. Bit by bit, the city was beginning to reveal herself to the world once again, like a mask slowly being stripped away.

  The crunch of gravel was the only sound between us for a while as we slowly walked down the street and sipped from our cups. Between each house, I’d sneak a glance at the gray ocean as the fog slowly began to recede over the water.

  “You haven’t asked what happened—between August and me,” I said.

  “Considering it’s barely seven in the morning, I don’t really need to ask, do I?”

  “No, I suppose not.” I straightened slightly but kept walking.

  “You know, I may be old, but I’m not that old,” he laughed.

  I just shook my head, trying to hide the slight smirk he’d managed to get out of me. “Your jokes aren’t making this any better Brick,” I said, giving him a playful shove.

  “Jokes always make everything better,” he argued, “Besides, who’s to say things need to be better than they already are? What if they’re already great now?”

  I just shook my head in disbelief. “You really are as crazy as August said you were. Life is not great, Brick. It’s complicating and confusing and—”

  “Real?”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Everyone’s life is complicated and confusing, Everly. It’s what keeps us breathing and not falling over dead of boredom. It’s the chaos that makes life worth it. Don’t deny what you’re feeling because it’s not simple or easy. Deny something because it doesn’t feel right, not because it’s complicated.”

  “You sound like you’re speaking from experience,” I said as we passed another block. I took my last sip of coffee.

  “Nah, what would I know? I’m just a country boy from the Midwest,” he winked.

  “I’m just scared I’m falling down the rabbit hole again—bound to make the same mistakes with the same man over and over again.”

  “But he’s not the same man, is he?” he reminded me.

  “No, he’s not—but he could be.”

  “Yes—he could and that’s a risk you have to decide if you’re willing to take. Because loving August as he is now doesn’t always mean that he’ll love you the same way back.”

  And there it was—my deep, underlying fear. The one that kept me running from him time after time.

  If I gave my heart over to a man who then turned into my worst nightmare…?

  Who would be there to pick up the broken pieces?

  No one, because there would be nothing left to find.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  August

  Her scent was everywhere.

  The sweet strawberry scent of her hair clung to the sheets, the air…hell, I think she’d permanently graphed it to my fucking nostrils. It was the first thing I noticed when I awoke, and damn if it didn’t make me want to reach out for her and feel her naked skin against mine again.

  But she wasn’t here. She wasn’t anywhere.

  After realizing her scent was the only thing she’d left in the bed, I quickly jumped out of bed and grabbed a pair of boxers, then headed downstairs in search of her.

  Her clothes, keys…all gone.

  I’d known this would happen. I’d even told her I expected it.

  So why did it hurt so damn much?

  Because even though I’d expected it, a small part of me—the hopeful, naive part—wanted her to choose me. To decide I was worth the risk.

  But she’d chosen him.

  She’d always choose him.

  At least now I knew what it felt like to have her skin against mine, to taste her lips and feel her breath quicken as I moved inside her. No longer memories of a former forgotten life, these were mine now and I’d carry them to my grave.

  Wandering into the kitchen I paused, seeing the bag of coffee grounds still open on the counter. Fingering the bag, I tried picturing how she’d looked the other day, moving around with ease from one corner to the next as if she owned the place.

  “Hi.” Her voice nearly had me jumping, and I rotated around to see her standing in the doorway.

  “Hi,” I answered, looking curiously at the blanket draped over her shoulders.

  “I went for a walk—with Brick,” she explained, holding up a paper coffee cup.

  “Shit!” I exclaimed, remembering the morning hike we’d planned. She just shrugged and kicked off her shoes, tossing the cup in the trash as she moved about the kitchen. I watched as she took over the coffee making once again, and a piece of my heart eased.

  “It’s okay—it was good to see him. I needed a therapy session.” She gave me a weak smile.

  I nodded, leaning against the counter as we waited for the coffee to percolate.

  “Did you get what you needed?” I asked, not really sure how to phrase what I really wanted to ask.

  “I think so,” she answered vaguely, eyeing me from across the room.

  “Okay.”

  I didn’t know what else to say, but I was afraid to stop talking. Afraid that if there was a long enough lull, she would leave again. And if she left, would that be the end? Would she ever come back?

  “I know what you’re thinking,” she said, tapping her nails against the counter. “You’re waiting for me to run—to make a mad dash out those doors and never come back.”

  “Well, it is what you’ve done in the past,” I reminded her.

  “I know—and look where it brought us.” She let out a long sigh as her eyes met mine. “I’ve made a mess of things, trying to come to terms with what I’m feeling. You would think after years of therapy I would have a better grasp over my own mind, but it turns out I’m just as lost and confused as I was then. I don’t want to run anymore, August.”

  “Then don’t,” I simply said, taking a step forward.

  “This scares me,” she whispered.

  “It scares me, too.”

  “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget the past.”

  “You shouldn’t,” I urged. “Never forget the man I became, Everly. I don’t ever want to become him again.”

  “I’m not making any promises,” she said, her voice soft and low as she closed the last remaining gap between us.

  “I’m not asking for any. I just want a chance.”


  As badly as I wanted to touch her and taste her all over again, I needed her to make the first move. I’d given her no choice in the matter last night when I’d kissed her, but now—now, I needed to know she wanted this as much as I did.

  I needed to know she wanted me.

  It felt like a slow eternity in hell as I watched her eyes roam my skin, moving over the hollow of my neck, until they lingered on my bare chest. I held my breath as I watched her fingers reach out, barely skimming my torso as she began to explore me with her timid touch.

  I was on fire, yet frozen in place, and for the first time since I’d opened my eyes for the first time in the hospital, I felt alive again.

  There was no anger, no hatred or ulterior motive between us this time as I reached for her. I’d remember every memory I had with Everly in this new life, but I had a feeling these were the ones I’d dream about.

  I lifted her into my arms and carried her carefully back upstairs, remembering her words from the night before. Avoiding the master bedroom, I walked toward the guest room. If that room made her more comfortable, I’d move everything I owned in there just to make her happy.

  I set her gently down on the bed. Her vivid blue eyes never left mine. They fluttered closed as I silently dragged my fingers up her bare arm, across the hollow of her neck and down the valley between her breasts. Her hips rose, and her back arched as I slowly lifted her shirt, throwing it to the floor.

  There were so many things I’d missed in my haste the night before. I’d been so angry—driven by pure instinct—that I’d failed to stop and appreciate what I had in front of me.

  Everly was pure perfection before my eyes.

  From the tiny freckles scattered over her creamy skin to the surprising tattoo on her beautiful shoulder, I couldn’t have dreamed a more perfect woman if I tried.

  Kissing a path down from her belly button, I began unbuttoning her jeans and she helped me slide them off her hips. Her legs went on for days, and I had plans to be buried between them for just as long.

  I slid up her body, cradling it beneath mine as my lips left a trail of kisses along the way.

  “August,” she said softly.

  My eyes met hers.