Two Brutes, One Barista: An Alaskan Romantic Comedy (Alaskan Romance Book 3)

by Shaye Marlow

  “Kick him.”

  “Where, J.D.? Where would you kick him?” he asked eagerly.

  “In the head, preferably, but anywhere would do. I’d like to take him to the ground, get him in a hold, and make him scream. Break something of his for a change, and make him cry like a baby.”

  Zack clapped. “I love it! I never knew you had it in you, man.”

  I fixed him with a look. “I beat people up for a living.”

  Zack nodded. “Touché.”

  “And you know what? That punching bag is sounding really good right now.” I shoved away from the table.

  Zack, with not a care for his personal safety, got up and followed as I slammed through the door. “Soooo, whatcha gonna do?” he asked.

  “Nothing,” I said, entering the shop.

  “Oh, shut up,” said Zack. “You’re not gonna do nothing. Maybe not rip his face off, or make it turn blue, or kick it in, but you’re not gonna do nothing.”

  “Yes, I am. She doesn’t want me. She’s not interested. She’s told me this like five times, and I just didn’t listen,” I said, squaring off with the bag. “I’m doing nothing.”

  “No, you’re not,” said Zack. “Do you want this girl?”

  “She doesn’t want me,” I repeated, landing my first blow.

  “Doesn’t matter,” Zack said. “Do you. Want. This. Girl?”

  I let out an angry shout, and hit the bag—which was starting to look an awful lot like Zack—as hard as I could. Again, and again. A full minute later, I glanced over, and saw he was still wearing his expectant face. “Yes!” I yelled. “I want her.”

  “Then go get her,” Zack said.

  “I’ve been trying.” I let my frustration out, hammering the bag with an elbow.

  “Don’t try,” he said. “Do.”

  I spun around. Chest heaving, I glared.

  “Fuck that guy,” Zack said. “What does he have that you don’t? Besides a scarf?”

  “He’s smart.” He was one of those goddamn doctors I’d been telling her about. A pediatrician, no less, as he’d probably informed her by now. Here I was, a washed-up, run-down fighter with barely a penny to my name, and there he was, with his fucking accent, a body that was whole and fit, and enough money to fly up here to hunt Bigfoot on a whim.

  Zack blew a ridiculing raspberry as he leaned back on the bench. “You’re smart,” he said. “Way smarter than me. Maybe even smarter than Rory, that fucker. Like a quiet, sneaky smart.”

  “She doesn’t know that.”

  “What?! Has she talked to you? Have you talked to her?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then she knows.”

  I shook my head. It was immaterial, because there was still the money issue. Wreck was clearly the better choice all the way around.

  “Well, if she likes smart guys, guys with degrees, you could tell her about—” Zack started.

  “No,” I said, chopping my hand down. “I don’t want to do that. Not yet. I want her to want me anyway. I want her to accept me for who I am.” I didn’t want her to get it in her head that I should be doing something other than fighting, because I didn’t want to do anything other than fighting. Not yet.

  “But that is—”

  “No.”

  Zack blew out a breath. “Now you’re just trying to make life harder for yourself, you kook. You’re not making any sense right now. In fact, you’re being a bit of a girl. If you’ve got—”

  “No!”

  Zack growled and jumped to his feet. “Now you’re making me mad,” he said, starting to pace.

  I grunted.

  “Just go and do like the cavemen do,” he said. “Grab her by the hair, and drag her to bed. Show her your mad skills.”

  “Fairly certain the cavemen didn’t have beds,” I muttered.

  “Are you fairly certain you can make her cum?”

  “I know I can make her cum.” I closed my eyes for a moment, seeing her as she had. Those dark eyes… I’d never had a woman look at me that way. Pleasure, sure, but the depth of emotion that’d been in her eyes, appreciation and even what looked like awe… It made me feel all warm and fuzzy and proud, even now. Even after I’d caught her holding another man’s hand.

  When I opened my eyes, I saw that I had Zack’s attention. “You know—?” he asked. I nodded, and he grinned. “Well then, you’ve won half the battle. Go get her, get her into bed, and show her what you have to offer. And don’t let her out until she’s changed her mind.”

  I started to shake my head, and he leaned forward, practically vibrating with intensity. “Show her, with your freaking tongue,” he said. “This is the one instance, J.D., the one, where a real man can get down on his knees. So get down there, and worship her like a woman is meant to be worshipped.”

  I stared at him, surprised at what had just come out of his mouth. I glanced at the clock, and then, my shoulders drooped. “I can’t.”

  “Why the hell not?!”

  “She’s probably left by now. She’s going to that Passion Party at Suzy’s.”

  He was staring at me, his expression incredulous. Then, his eyes got scary-bright—never a good sign. “So, let’s crash it.”

  “But—”

  “No buts,” he said, grabbing my wrist. “C’mon, we have some baking to do.”

  THEA

  A skirt had been the wrong thing to wear. I realized that about thirty seconds into the boat trip to Suzy’s. I had to keep a hand on it the whole way, or have it fly up over my head.

  Pulling in to her place, the boat crunched ashore a little harder than I’d intended—the river was moving, and it made me misjudge my aim. I overcorrected, and rocks sang against aluminum. And then I revved the throttle instead of letting off. I released it with a yelp, and luckily I hadn’t driven myself too much farther up the beach. Damn these boats, and my unfamiliarity with them.

  I grumbled a bit as I turned off the key, then yelped again as we—the boat and I—began sliding away from the bank. I scrambled to shore, grabbing the boat just as the current would have dragged it away.

  Reaching in to retrieve the anchor was an awkward scramble. I tossed it out, and cussed when it pinched my fingers. Hissing, trying to shake out the pain, I glared at the anchor.

  When I turned around, Helly was staring at me. She must have swooped in stealth-like when I’d been occupied. She’d parked at Suzy’s dock like an intelligent person, had gotten situated, tied off, and up and out of the boat with what appeared to be a casserole while I’d been fumbling around like a greenhorn.

  “It’d be a good idea to lift the engine up. It’ll keep the prop off the rocks,” she said.

  I deflated a little more, and clambered back into the boat. I looked the outboard over, then glanced up to see she was still there. “Uh… how?”

  She set her casserole down on the bow, and stepped gracefully into the boat. “Ah, yours isn’t hydraulic,” she said. “What you have to do is—” she grabbed the engine and horsed on it, throwing her weight into tilting it back “—this. And then see this little lever? Keeps it up,” she said, flipping it into place. “To lower it back down—which you definitely wanna do before starting the motor again—just pull the engine back a tiny bit, and flip that little lever out of the way.”

  Helly studied the blank look on my face. Then she clapped me on the back. “C’mon, you look like you need a drink.” She leapt gracefully ashore, then scooped up her casserole. “It’s Thea, right?”

  “Yeah. And you’re Helly.” I followed her up the three steps from the shore.

  “Why didn’t you catch a ride with Lane?” Helly asked, nodding back toward the dock where Lane’s boat was tied up.

  “She had some business upriver, and thought she might be late,” I explained as we crossed the yard. “She offered to come get me, but I really am trying to get some practice driving those things.”

  Helly nodded. “Fair ’nough. ’Sup, Mimi?” she said, directing the greeting to the approac
hing goat.

  Not knowing quite what to do with a goat, I held my ground, and then patted her bristly head. The goat named Mimi eyeballed me, then tried to eat my skirt. I stepped back, tugging the plum-colored cotton from her mouth.

  Helly laughed as I edged away. “I’d say she doesn’t bite, but, well…”

  Mimi nodded her head vigorously, and then bounded off to—and through—the front door. O-kay. Goats with dog doors. I could wrap my mind around this. No problem.

  I headed up the steps, and started to knock. The door flew open before I could finish.

  Suzy stood there, her hair curling in every direction. “Thea.”

  I smiled down at her. There was something so disarming about Suzy. She was just so damn… cute.

  “Come on in,” she said. Then she grasped my arm, and pulled me inside.

  I caught my balance, and turned to see that she was already moving in on Helly. “Helly!” she cried. “What’d you bring? Is it the halibut?”

  “Suzy!” Helly answered. “No touchy,” she said, evading the little gal’s attempts at peering beneath the foil. She elbowed past her, and made it to the kitchen unmolested. I took it they were friends.

  Suzy’s cabin was much bigger than mine, with more amenities, and an open floor plan. Her kitchen lay just steps from the entrance, and the living room was off to my left. There was a door that I assumed led to a bathroom, and an incredible spiral staircase rising to the second floor.

  A couple ladies were stirring around the kitchen, and Suzy introduced me in a whirlwind of names. Luckily, I already had Lane and Suzy and Helly down—oh, and there was Gram ducking out of the bathroom.

  “Sit, sit,” Suzy said, catching me hovering near the couch.

  I did, while most of the guests were making themselves useful, finding glasses, slicing cheese. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring anything,” I said. “I didn’t know…”

  Suzy waved off my apology. “Don’t worry about it. It’s always been bring something if you’re able. They didn’t all bring something, and we have plenty of food. Thank you for coming,” she said with a smile.

  I smiled back at her. “Heard anything else about the Bigfoot sightings?” I asked.

  Suzy made a little growling sound. “Heard anything? Yeah, I’ve been hearing things. The last couple nights, the Bigfoot hunters’ve been running back and forth on the river, blaring these crazy sounds. Howls. Shrieks. Crazy gibberish.”

  “They’ve been all the way up to my place,” Helly said from the kitchen. “Came in on my trail, right up to my cabin as if they owned the place. Tried to ‘borrow’ my canoe,” she said, slamming a drawer.

  “They were back to my place, too,” Annie said. “Rummaging around in my shed, of all things. Mikey almost shot them.”

  “They were in your shed?” Suzy asked.

  “Yes, and it gets better: When we asked them what the hell they thought they were doing, you know what they said? They said they knew the locals were harboring Bigfoot, that someone was hiding him, keeping him prisoner. They were very unpleasant, very accusing. They trespassed on my land, broke into my shed, and had the gall…” Annie shook her head.

  “There’s been a lot of traffic on the strip,” Dotty said. “We’re seeing a couple planes a day, dropping people off. Most of them without a plan. A tent, maybe. Trying to camp on the front lawn,” she said. “Harv’s had to chase them off.”

  “And littering!” Helly said. “All the way down my trail, soda cans.”

  “The ones at my place haven’t been too bad,” Lane volunteered.

  “Yeah, they came in two waves,” Suzy said. “Crazy and crazier.”

  “You should hear the ones that come in for coffee,” I said. “I actually believe in Bigfoot, but the stuff they say…” I shook my head. “Conspiracy theories… I’ve heard some talking about how the FBI is in on it. One group thought aliens were dropping the Bigfoot off, though they argued over whether it was so they would multiply and the aliens could hunt them, or so the aliens could try to communicate with us. That group had a really big radio they were lugging everywhere, and a roll of tin foil.”

  “They’ve been gathering at the bar, too,” Suzy said. “Ed’s back to concealing the fight club. He says they’ve been drunk and rowdy, and have the worst bathroom hygiene.”

  “I can’t wait for this all to be over,” Helly said, “one way or the other. I miss my peace and quiet. Halibut’s up,” she added.

  “Have you been to one of these before?” Suzy asked me.

  “Ah, no.”

  Suzy cackled. “Passion Party virgin,” she cried, and then clapped her hands.

  I considered fleeing.

  She patted my shoulder. “Don’t worry. We’ll be gentle. I don’t run this the traditional way. I’ll bring out the toys; you can play with them. Absolutely no pressure to buy. Mostly we just eat and drink and gossip.”

  “Mostly we just drink,” Helly corrected from the kitchen. “Lane brought her sangria,” she said, rubbing her hands together.

  Suzy grinned, then flitted up the stairs.

  Lane joined me in the living area and handed me a glass, and I had to agree: The sangria was excellent.

  Okay, on the one hand, it was a bunch of women drinking; I could do this. On the other, Lane was my employer, and Dotty was my grandmother, and—

  Suzy emptied a pink suitcase full of dildos in front of us.

  And on the other, I could see this getting awkward. Real fast.

  Within the next ten minutes, I’d drained my glass of sangria, and sampled the halibut. I’d also managed to studiously ignore my grandmother, seated to my far left, as she enthusiastically handled the merchandise.

  Helly settled next to me and pulled out her ever-present notebook. “Okay, well, I wanted to do something a little different today,” she said, addressing the seated ladies. “I started writing a short about Artist Gary, but I changed my mind. I’ve begun a Choose Your Own Adventure erotica, and, today, I’d like your help with brainstorming.” She uncapped her pen.

  The ladies looked at one another uncertainly.

  “Let me tell you what we have so far.” She quickly outlined the general plot and decision points right up to where we had to pick a road or go into the woods. The ladies were howling with laughter by the time she finished.

  “Where on earth did you even—” Lane started to ask.

  “My brothers,” Helly said. “I was brainstorming with my brothers.”

  “Oh,” said the room. As if that made perfect sense. And maybe it did.

  “Yeah. But on the bright side, I did enjoy maiming them repeatedly.”

  Everyone nodded, Suzy especially hard. “So our main character’s male?” she asked.

  “Yup,” said Helly. “And you’ll never guess what he looks like.”

  There was a mass eye-rolling, and Suzy took a deep draught of her drink.

  “What?” I asked. “What’d I miss?”

  “Helly’s heroes always look like Gary,” Suzy said.

  “Uh, I haven’t met him, I don’t think.”

  Helly turned to me with a grin. “Picture the hottest guy you’ve ever seen.”

  J.D. floated immediately into the front of my mind.

  “Now give him luxurious black hair, and the most gorgeous green eyes ever. And he’s tall, with big, strong hands and a panty-dropping cleft in his chin.”

  I tried really hard, but J.D.’s face refused to be changed. Her description did match up with the guy from the coffee shop the other day, though.

  “And then give him questionable moral values and an itchy trigger finger, and you’ve got Gary,” Suzy finished.

  Helly sighed dreamily. “Yeah.”

  “Okay, got it,” I said.

  “So, straight into the woods,” Helly prompted, looking at me.

  “I… feel like I want him to be captured by a tribe of Amazon women,” I said.

  Helly’s lips quirked. “And what, oh what, do they want with our poor, handso
me Gary?”

  There was a silence that got more tense the longer it stretched.

  Suzy cleared her throat. “Do you want the obvious answer, or something even stranger and more kinky?”

  “How about we make it a decision point,” Helly said. “Whatever he does and says will determine his fate.”

  “He fights the Amazon leader, wins, and they decide he’s a worthy male. So they overpower him, chain him to a bed, and…” I gazed down at my hands, realizing once again that my gramma was present.

  “And sexy times ensue,” said Helly. She nudged me with her elbow. “You’re good at this.”

  I turned a bit red.

  “So what happens when he tries to charm them?” Suzy asked.

  “Spear through the brainpan,” said Dotty. “These Amazon women value strength and valor, not fancy-talk.”

  Helly nodded and scribbled. “Gimme one more choice.”

  “He runs,” said Suzy. “Like a bitch.”

  Helly chuckled. “The Amazons are coming for him with death in their eyes. Gary turns and books it. Consequence?” she asked.

  “Well, we don’t want him to get away,” Dotty put in.

  Suddenly, we all became aware of the sound of an engine. Suzy cocked her head. “What the…?”

  Through the window above the sink, I saw a flash of red, and a second later, the grumbling sound cut out.

  Suzy got up, and went to the door. “Ah, hell no,” she said.

  Chapter Fifteen

  THEA

  Suzy stood in the doorway with her arms crossed, blocking it as Zack opened the screen. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” she said, putting a hand up to stop him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? This is a ladies-only gathering, and anyway, you lot are banned from my property. So turn your tight buns around, get back in your truck, and get the hell off my land.”

  Rory nudged Zack to one side. “We brought chocolate cake,” he said, thrusting it under her nose. It appeared to be the sole reason Suzy pulled Mimi back from where she’d rushed and then begun trying to eat Rory.

  “And ice cream,” said Zack, holding up the tub.