Until You Loved Me--A Novel

by Brenda Novak

  Leo was far more attractive. Even Hudson could see that. He was as thin as his partner but had a model’s chiseled features.

  “Nice to meet you.” Hudson gave his hand a shake—harder than necessary, too—and started herding them toward the door. “I’m sure Ellie appreciates the visit, but she needs her rest now. So...if you wouldn’t mind.”

  “No, of course.” Don tried to look around Hudson at Ellie. “We’ll talk more later, okay?”

  Hudson didn’t wait for her reply. “Not about my baby, you won’t.”

  Don shot Leo a surprised glance that Leo returned with equal surprise. “You must’ve heard...”

  “Listen, I can explain,” Leo cut in. “We know you probably aren’t too excited about this...surprising turn of events, considering how...how everything came to pass. So we’re offering to step in. Ellie can vouch for the fact that we’d be great parents. And we’d sign anything you require to make sure you never had to worry about child support. We have solid jobs, will take excellent care of this baby.”

  “It’ll be like the pregnancy never happened,” Don added. “You’ll be able to return to Los Angeles and get on with your life.”

  “Sounds great,” Hudson said. “Except for one thing. I’m happy I’m going to be a father. Oh, and since you were speculating, this will be my first.”

  “You—” Don started but Hudson didn’t let him finish.

  “I want the baby myself,” he went on, and only then did he realize how much he meant those words.

  Don’s mouth opened and closed twice before he managed to say, “Oh. Ellie didn’t... Ellie didn’t mention that.”

  “She did tell you no,” Hudson said. “I heard her. I suggest you respect her answer, because I won’t be nearly so polite if you ever bring this up again.”

  “Right. We understand,” Leo said and grabbed hold of his partner as they scooted out the door.

  Once they were gone, Hudson rubbed the beard growth on his chin as he turned to face Ellie. “I’m sorry if you felt I shouldn’t get involved. But I can offer you a lot more than they can.”

  “Offer me?” she echoed skeptically.

  “Yes, and there’d be no shame in accepting. Since we live on opposite coasts, it would be too hard to split custody, at least for the first while. Maybe once the child gets older, we can talk about changing things, but for the first five or ten years, it’d be better to keep him in one place, with one parent. Consistency is important.” And was something he’d never had. He’d hated all the moving around, hated never being able to stay where he was already comfortable.

  “You’re suggesting that...you should be the one to raise him.”

  He could tell by her tone of voice that this wasn’t going well, but she hadn’t heard his offer. “I’m not saying I should be, only that I’m willing. And I’d make it worth your while.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “In what way...?”

  His gut told him to back away from this. She hadn’t reacted positively to Don’s offer, but Don was her ex. Hudson would never expect her to give the baby up to him. Besides, Don couldn’t pay nearly as much and, after seeing the ultrasound, Hudson was willing to make her rich in order to get what he wanted. “They were talking $80,000—I’m talking a million. And you could have contact, too,” he said. “I’m not trying to pay you off to get rid of you. You could come out and visit whenever you wanted, send emails, texts and letters. I’d just like to have...” He’d been about to say total control, but those words had too many negative connotations. “Sole custody. To keep the child with me.”

  He held his breath as he awaited her reaction. He’d made her a darn good offer, one that had to be attractive, especially to someone who hadn’t fully launched her career. With her education, she had decent earning potential, but right now she was working on a postdoctoral fellowship. According to Wikipedia, that paid only somewhere in the neighborhood of $42,000 a year; he knew because he’d checked as soon as he found out about the baby—to see how much incentive she might have to take advantage of him. After all those years of college, she was probably carrying a load of student debt, too. With the money he was willing to give her, she could pay off her loans, live far more comfortably and continue to devote herself to science until she was married and in a better position to start a family. And he wasn’t cutting her off from this child, wasn’t demanding she disappear from the baby’s life.

  She said nothing, simply turned her face to the wall.

  “Ellie, I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” he clarified in the ensuing silence.

  “No,” she said, looking back at him. “I realize that.”

  He would’ve sighed in relief except he could see tears swimming in her eyes. “This is hard. It’s an emotional time for both of us, and I’m not the one who’s pregnant.” He smiled, trying to get her to smile, too, but that fell flat. “What could I do to be more fair?”

  “Nothing,” she replied.

  He swallowed to ease his dry throat. “So...is that a yes? I could have the money wired into your account tomorrow, have the custody papers drawn up so we can get this over with as quickly as possible. Is that what you’d like?”

  She closed her eyes, but a tear squeezed out anyway and ran into her hair.

  “Ellie?” he prompted.

  “No,” she said. “I won’t sell my baby even to you.”

  He caught his breath. What was he supposed to do now? “Ellie—”

  She rolled away from him. “Go.”

  “Wait. Can’t we talk about this?”

  No response.

  “What do you suggest we do?” he asked.

  “The opposite,” she mumbled. “The baby stays with me. If you ever want to visit you can—for free.”

  He dropped his head in his hand and attempted to rub away the sharp pang of tension hitting him right between the eyes. “Ellie, please,” he said. “This will be all the family I’ve got.”

  Fortunately, the appeal in his voice—or maybe it was the sheer honesty—seemed to affect her more than any promise of money. She turned to look at him once more. “You can have other children. You know how easy it would be for you.”

  “Not nearly as easy as you think. I’m interested in this child. I want to be completely involved.”

  “That won’t work. I won’t give him up.” She lifted her right hand. “And don’t raise your offer. This isn’t a negotiating tactic. I won’t take any amount of money.”

  Of course he’d decide he wanted the baby and then not be able to have him. That was just his luck when it came to relationships. He clenched his jaw as he tried to think of something he could say that might actually be productive, but he couldn’t come up with a single idea. “Is there anything I can do to make you change your mind?”

  Another tear slid into her hair as she shook her head.

  “Do you really want to tear this child apart by going to court and fighting over custody?” he asked. “That could take years. It could get bitter. It would cost a fortune. No one would benefit, least of all our son.”

  “You could choose not to take me to court,” she pointed out. “I didn’t have to tell you I was pregnant. I did it to be fair.”

  So twisted up he felt like punching the wall again, he let go of a long sigh. And then a thought occurred to him. “What if... What if I paid you to come to California? To live with me for the next year until we had the baby and could figure out the best way to go from there?”

  “I can’t move to California,” she said. “I have a job here in Miami, a job I love.”

  “It’s a job you’ll have to leave, at least for a couple of months once you have the baby, right?”

  “Yes...”

  “Some women take a long break before going back to work.”

  “Maternity leave can differ. What
’s your point?”

  “Since you’ll be off for a significant amount of time anyway, why not...why not take a leave of absence and spend the rest of your pregnancy with me? I have a huge house. We’d hardly run into each other. But I’d be there for doctor’s appointments and for when you give birth. I want to be part of that if you’ll let me. We could share the first year of our son’s life, which will go by fast—and then... Who knows? Maybe you’ll love California. Maybe you’ll find a job there you like just as much, and you’ll stay. Or I’ll get injured or something, which would make it impossible for me to keep playing, and I’ll be able to move to Miami.” He couldn’t leave Aaron now, but after Aaron graduated it would be a possibility.

  “You’re kidding, aren’t you?”

  “No. Not at all. It’s the perfect solution! I’ll pay you $5,000 a month, so you can keep your house and pay your bills. That’s more than you’re making now, isn’t it?”

  When she didn’t answer, he knew it was.

  “Then we’ll both get to experience having this child,” he continued. “That’s as fair as I can be. I realize it means you’ll be leaving the BDC for a while, but maybe you could return in a year or so. Or I’m sure someone with your skills could find a way to be valuable in California. There’re so many good research schools out there.”

  She wiped her cheeks.

  “You don’t have to give me an answer now.” He didn’t want her to say no just for the sake of saying no. “Take some time to think it over. There are a lot of positives with this solution. You won’t have to work with Don and Leo anymore. That’s got to be good, right?”

  The expression on her face told him it was a point in his favor.

  “And you’ll have fun in California,” he added. “I’ll make sure of it. There’s no better place on earth.”

  Her phone rang. He heard it rattling on the counter. He hated to be interrupted, since he felt he was finally getting through to her. And while he didn’t want her to answer too fast if the answer was no, he wouldn’t mind getting an immediate yes.

  She tried to sit up to see who was calling however, so he handed her the cell.

  “It’s Amy,” she said, checking caller ID.

  “Amy?” he repeated.

  “My best friend. She’s the one who took me to the club the night I met you. I—I need to take this. She’s probably wondering if I dropped off the face of the earth. The last time I talked to her was before I flew home.”

  “Two days ago?”

  “I know it doesn’t sound long, but lately...well, she’s used to hearing from me more often since the pregnancy.”

  He took a deep breath to steady his emotions. He’d come up with the perfect solution. He felt it in his bones. Now he just needed Ellie to agree. He understood that might take some patience, which wasn’t his virtue, but he reminded himself not to appear demanding or come off like a jerk. He’d already made that mistake once. “Go ahead and call her back,” he said, since the phone’s vibrating had stopped. “I’ve said my piece. Just...consider my offer, please. Think about how fair it is, how it allows us both to have constant contact with the baby. Meanwhile, I’ll leave and give you some space.”

  “You’re flying back to LA?”

  He hated that she sounded so hopeful. “No, I’m driving your car to your place.”

  “My place?” she echoed.

  “Why not? You aren’t staying there. It’s clean and comfortable. And I like the privacy. You don’t mind, do you?”

  She sighed. “I guess not. But how long are you planning to be in Miami?”

  “Until you say yes.”

  Her eyes widened. “And what if I say no?”

  “I’ll keep asking.” He winked as if he was joking—but he wasn’t.

  14

  “So what do I do?” Ellie asked Amy over the phone. She doubted she should be trying to make such an important decision immediately after being so sick. She still felt weak, achy, rattled to the core. But it wasn’t as if she could put this matter out of her mind and sleep, not with Hudson in Miami—at her house—waiting for an answer.

  “Are you kidding me?” Amy replied. “Of all the options you’ve told me about, I’d take the million dollars! That’s like hitting the lottery! You’d never have to work another day in your life.”

  “I doubt that’s true. A million dollars doesn’t go as far as it used to. Anyway, I love my job.”

  “So work when you want to.”

  “What about giving up the baby? You think that’s a fair trade?”

  “You can always have another baby when you’re married and in the situation you’d like to be in before starting a family.”

  Despite the tenderness of Ellie’s stomach, her son was hanging on. His heartbeat had sounded strong and true. He was tough—like his father. She hated that she admired Hudson so much, when he just saw her as part of the problem, but she figured she couldn’t be too hard on herself. Everyone admired him. “I can’t give up my baby.”

  “Even though he’d be with Hudson and well taken care of? Have everything he could ever want?”

  She tried to imagine living in Miami with a child in California and couldn’t. “Yes.”

  “Now you want the baby.”

  “You know I do!”

  “I knew you’d grown accustomed to the idea and decided to make the most of it. I didn’t know you’d prefer to keep the kid over $1 million!”

  That was because Amy hadn’t experienced the flutter of life Ellie had felt. Amy hadn’t seen the ultrasound or spent hours trying to select the perfect shade of blue for the nursery. “This isn’t how I would’ve chosen to go about becoming a mother, but...this child is part of me, part of my life, already.”

  “I told you not to start decorating.”

  But that was how she’d managed to recover from everything she’d been through—what she thought about in her off hours, what she spent her time doing whenever she wasn’t at the lab. She’d enjoyed choosing the furniture, the color scheme, the wallpaper, the paint and chair railing. She’d also enjoyed shopping. She’d registered at various online sites to become familiar with everything she’d need, and she’d begun to acquire those items. Her baby had brought some sunshine into her life, had brought her pleasure outside work. “I won’t let Hudson—or anyone else—have him. I know that much. I’m just not sure whether I should go to California.”

  “What do you have to lose?”

  “I’d have to give up my postdoc.”

  “Won’t the baby interrupt that, anyway?”

  “I have twelve weeks of maternity leave.”

  “That’s not as long as it sounds. A baby is still pretty small at three months. And isn’t the BDC going to need someone who can be there during that time? They can’t halt their research and wait for you, can they?”

  “No. They’ll need to get someone to replace me. They’re already looking.”

  “Will they be able to do that? Get someone to jump in and stay for only three months?”

  “It won’t be easy,” Ellie replied. “That’s part of the reason I’m considering Hudson’s offer. The BDC would be better off if I quit and let them hire someone else to take over. And I’d probably be better off, too. If I give up my job, the pressure will be off. I’d be able to stay with my son until I was willing to put him in day care and find something else.”

  “Especially if you had financial support from Hudson and weren’t trying to live off your savings.”

  “True. He said if I came to California, he’d cover my monthly expenses—and then some.”

  “Perfect. Just put him off until closer to the delivery. Then you can work until the last possible minute. What about that?”

  Ellie pushed the button that would move her bed into a sitting position. “Some ai
rlines won’t allow pregnant women to fly if they’re past twenty-eight weeks. That means I’ll be here for only a month and a half before I have to leave—if I go.”

  “So...what? You’re thinking of going back with him now?”

  “I’m considering it,” she admitted.

  “What’s holding you back?”

  Fear. She’d be giving up what was comfortable and safe and entering a completely foreign world. “What if I hate living there? What if I regret leaving? What if I feel useless without my job?”

  “If you go now, you’ll have time to come back if you don’t like the way things are.”

  “True...”

  “And who knows? It might be fun. Hudson lives a life very few people get to experience.”

  Ellie had considered that, too. She’d worked so hard, not only in college but after, that she’d had very little fun. She hated to see her best years pass without experiencing everything life had to offer. “What about my parents?”

  “What about them? They’re still in Europe, aren’t they?”

  “They are, but they’ll be coming back. If I move to California, they’ll hardly ever get to see their grandchild.”

  “Making sure you and the baby are happy—and that Hudson gets a fair shot at being a good father—is more important than anything else.”

  When she looked at it like that, Ellie had to agree.

  “Besides,” Amy continued, “that’s several months away. Worry about what’s going to happen later after you take care of now. If you wind up coming back to Miami, you’ll be near your parents again. Problem solved. And if you don’t, they can visit you in California. A lot of grandparents don’t get to live close to their children or grandchildren. It’s not the end of the world. But you’re an only child, so I bet if it comes to that, they’ll move out there. They have the freedom and the money to do it.”

  “True.” Ellie rubbed her eyes. “So I should say yes?”

  “Why not? Give something new and unexpected a chance. You’re not making a lifelong commitment. You’re trying to accommodate the father of your child—as long as it doesn’t adversely affect your own life, and he’s trying to make sure it won’t. Fair is fair.”