The Undead Detective Bites: Book 1

by Jennifer Hilt

  “That machine was outdated and unsafe. I had it removed. We’re paranormals—we’re not impervious to radiation,” she said.

  “How the fuck are we going to make sure there’s nothing else wrong with him?” I snapped.

  She struggled with the door lock. She was cold, tired and worried. But I really didn’t care.

  “Screw it.” Wendy released an exasperated sigh. She dropped the keys in the trampled snow at her feet. She aimed both her bare palms at the door lock and chanted something unintelligible again.

  A fireball shot out from her hands, exploding the door and lock into a rain of ash. The rest of the door remained untouched.

  “You win at party tricks. Nice work,” I said impressed.

  Wendy pushed the glass, the door swung easily in.

  “I’ve been meaning to have a different lock installed on that door anyway,” she said.

  Once inside she turned to shoulder Fang on the other side. “By the way, we’ll know what’s wrong by examining him. Maybe you’ve been too long surrounded by fancy equipment to remember that’s what we are trained to do?”

  We took the three steps slowly. Fang’s head lolled from side to side. “I like you two girls. Sassy.” He coughed so hard we had to stop.

  “Don’t talk. It just makes it worse,” I said. My mind raced at the potential complications he could have from this accident. This wasn’t like me. I wasn’t a worrier. I was a scientist.

  Once we reached the main clinic floor, we maneuvered him to the closest room. Wendy set about getting an oxygen mask on him.

  I glanced at the wall clock. Almost four-thirty in the morning. I only had a few more hours till the sun came up.

  I set the Idris bag on the floor, opening the top.

  “Out you go. Don’t even think of leaving pellets around here.” I helped myself to a stethoscope and blood pressure cuff lying on the desk.

  I never saw a better sight than Fang’s cheeks pinked up with the oxygen flowing. Wendy smoothed his hair back from his forehead, adjusting the mask strap about his ears with a care I could only describe as tenderness.

  I stopped.

  She didn’t just like Fang. She was in love with him.

  Despite the heat of the room, I felt oddly cold.

  Studying them, I checked Fang’s pulse out of the corner of my eye. He was either too sick to be embarrassed by her ministrations or he was used to such intimacy.

  Another shocking thought.

  Well, Silverthorne. What did you expect? That just because you couldn’t have him, everyone else would leave him?

  I couldn’t have him. I knew that. Still it didn’t stop me from wanting.

  Clearly Wendy, despite being a witch doctor, was a better choice than Triana.

  Complicated times in Nowhere.

  Wendy and I assessed Fang together. It seemed a punctured lung and a few cracked ribs were his main injuries. With the extra oxygen he was able to recline in the old hospital bed. Clean but well-worn blankets were piled on him to keep him warm.

  Fang was a formidable male but lying in a hospital bed, he appeared much less invincible.

  I wanted to hold him someplace that wouldn’t hurt him. I longed to hear his heartbeat underneath my head lying on his chest.

  But that was never going to happen.

  “He’s going to want this truck back even if he’s a ways from driving it. I’ll have my assistant work on that today.” It was the least I could do, and even that was up to Ben.

  “His facial bruising is a few days old, that’s not related to his truck accident. I don’t think vampires are good for his health.” Wendy glanced at me hard. “Something to think about. The vampire should be back to his usual form in the next day. If he doesn’t do something stupid between now and then.”

  “Too bad. I prefer him in rabbit form.”

  She was right about Fang. Nothing but trouble had made his life harder since I arrived in town. I had to see this thing through and then never come back to Nowhere. I would not see Fang again.

  That thought made me feel sick inside but I couldn’t dwell on it now.

  “I’ll stay with him,” Wendy said. “There’s a shifter nurse I can call after she gets her kids on the bus to watch him today while I see patients. You can go. The sheriff is well liked. There’s no shortage of those that care for him.”

  I hated that I could not stay. The sun would be up soon. I would do no good in solving Griz’s death or investigating Glytr if I was a pile of dust.

  Idris hadn’t left the room, choosing to hop under the desk and investigate the small trash bin.

  I stood, patting Fang’s hand. The action felt awkward and impersonal. “Get some rest, sheriff. You earned it.”

  Then I scooped up my rabbit and left.

  I planned to go to my crypt but three things stopped me.

  One, it was getting late. I could probably make it but that was cutting it close. Two, Idris. I did not want him to know where my crypt was—that was too risky. Third, I wouldn’t admit this to anyone but myself but I didn’t want to be that far away from Fang.

  Instead of going out the clinic door, I continued to the basement with the rabbit. The familiar institutional tile walls comforted me. My note from last night was still in the garbage. I pulled it out and changed the date.

  Then I gathered blankets for me and Idris. I put him on a slab a few feet away from me, wrapped him in some blankets.

  “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay. But if you want to go wander around in the daylight, be my guest. Who knows, maybe you’ll not burst into flames. I couldn’t be that lucky.”

  A few slabs down from us in the other direction, Griz’s headless corpse still waited for closure.

  The past night’s events had not been what I planned. The two pieces of information to note was that the dwarves stayed at Griz’s motel during construction so perhaps there was a connection there but it seemed like a slight one. And that the Fae were peddling some new drug. Plus where the hell was Triana and what did she have to do with this?

  The Fae were sneaky bastards on the best of days. They considered themselves better than all the other paranormals. Their arrogance won them no friends but their strength and cleverness made this a moot point.

  Lying in the freezer, wrapped up in my blankets, the hum of the refrigeration unit soothed me. I could feel my limbs grow heavy and my mind slow. No more time for fretting. I hoped Fang would recover safely.

  Just before I lost consciousness, a furry body snuggled against my side.

  9

  I woke from the dead slowly the following evening. It’s fairly usual for me. Vampires are as varied in their nighttime waking habits as humans are in the morning routines. My brain wakes up first then I regain feeling in my body starting at my feet. Apparently there are vampires who can pop up in their crypt as soon as the sun goes down but that’s not me.

  As I regained consciousness I realized that I wasn’t alone on my slab. A naked vampire with a massive erection was lying on top of me.

  “Blast these things,” Idris muttered, pushing at my turtleneck. “I can never figure out if I should go in from the top or bottom.”

  I kicked the door open with both feet, causing the slab we were laying on to shoot out of the refrigeration unit and into the open morgue.

  I was prepared for the movement, but Idris was not.

  He dropped over the edge, surprise registering on his smooth features as he fell. His quick reflexes had him landing on all fours like a cat instead of on his ass like I hoped.

  Damn. Better luck next time.

  I was not anyone’s booty call.

  I glanced around the morgue. The headless Griz had been the only other one in the refrigeration unit.

  No lifeless Fang was laid out here. Relief flooded me, replacing my irritation at Idris. Fang lived. I knew his injuries shouldn’t be life-threatening but worry nagged me nonetheless.

  “What’s the matter with you?” Idris stood u
p. He was glancing around too but not for Fang. Now that he was awake he was cold. Apparently, Wendy’s spell destroyed his clothes, but the real crime was the loss of those heated boots.

  “I’m not starting my night with a quickie.” I swung my legs off the slab and hopped off.

  I pulled out lower drawers in the morgue shelving cabinets. Every morgue had a pile of discarded clothing it kept on hand. Death was tough on garments.

  It was a lesson learned in one of my first cases as a forensic pathologist when a respected shifter was murdered by his jealous lover. He was found wearing lingerie. It seemed a lot to ask his family to identify him in a bra and panties.

  “Are you so hung up on humans and shifters that you don’t remember what sex is like with your own kind?” Idris’ outrage radiated like a heat wave. Since vampires are cold-blooded, he must have some latent heat left from that spell.

  I dug through the morgue discards along with my memories. Idris had been a talented lover but I wasn’t tempted. There was no passion. Instead the act was impersonal like a workout. All he was concerned about was his performance. Enough of Idris—I had investigations to conduct and not nearly enough time to do them. So far, my nights in Nowhere lived up to their name.

  “Here and here.” I handed him a men’s shirt and rumpled suit. I dug deeper in the box and pulled out a pair of men’s alligator shoes.

  Perfect.

  I could only guess at how those came to be on a dead man in this dinky community.

  Idris frowned in disgust but beggars can’t be choosers. He had clothes back at the motel but it was too cold to be naked until then.

  I considered my recent help far above the call of vampire fellowship. “You deserve a better answer about the fucking. It’s just that I realized that I prefer you as a rabbit.”

  Idris stopped buttoning his silk shirt. It had an ominous dark stain over the heart, not that you’d notice with the jacket on. His dark eyes glowed at me with hatred.

  That mouth of mine gets me in trouble every time.

  I turned my attention to a sheet of paper in Ben’s tidy script on the central exam table along with my car keys. I had a measure of relief in seeing his familiar handwriting.

  Ben survived the night. Those silver chains must’ve done the trick. I said a quick prayer of thanks even though, being damned, I’m sure no deity was listening.

  “We’ll be waiting at the motel.”

  Needless to say I puffed with pride at my human’s efficiency.

  On the way to the motel, Idris and I shivered to the blast of my car heater. It wasn’t snowing any more but the temperature hadn’t climbed since last night. Moonlight cast the bluish glow on the snow-covered landscape as we rocketed over ice-covered roads through Nowhere.

  There were a few vehicles parked in front of the convenience store and Wagon Tales. The streets were plowed of the surface snow but ice remained. There were no street-lights because everyone living in Nowhere now had excellent night vision. Plus this had the bonus of discouraging human visitors.

  The fir trees in the town square stood like sentries over a silent town.

  “Think Elsbeth and Junior will resurface soon?” My mind juggled all the elements competing for my attention.

  “How should I know?” Idris snapped. He fiddled with the heater vents, trying to angle them all toward him.

  “Maybe you need to feed. If you were a human, you’d sound hypoglycemic.” Or maybe he was just upset that I preferred a rabbit to his real persona. “The sooner we find the Glytr source, the sooner we can establish some protocols and get to work. I’m sick of this chaos.” He plucked at his wide polyester pantleg. For a male who loved his bespoke clothing, wearing a castoff suit from twenty years ago must be a real drag.

  “You could always leave.” I suggested, trying to keep the hope out of my voice.

  “And see you get the Vobel Prize alone? Not a chance. I’m here as long as you are.”

  “Hooray.” I pulled my car off the highway and into the motel. There was more snow here than in town, but at least someone had plowed the parking lot.

  Idris fled to his room no doubt to take a hot shower and burn the clothes he was wearing. I was never so glad to see the back of him.

  At my motel door, another of Ben’s notes waited. “Come to the office.”

  I opened our motel door anyway. The room was stripped bare of all personal contents and ready for a fresh occupant.

  Damn, that human was too efficient sometimes.

  I crossed to the office quickly on foot, leaving my car where it was. Ben clearly had been busy while I was dead to the world.

  Inside the office, everything looked the same as two nights ago.

  No, not everything. The stained coffee pot was gone as were the donuts from the small sideboard.

  “Mr. Figgles! How’s my good boy?” My dog lay on his plush bed which took over the office desk. He wiggled his eyebrows at me and wagged his tail twice.

  Awww. He’d really missed me. I flipped open the countertop and cut through to the desk area. Scooping him up, I cuddled his warm body, floppy with sleep.

  I entered the door marked ‘private,’ which just a few nights ago was the scene of Griz’s gruesome death.

  Now it resembled something from an episode on HGTV.

  That made sense. We’d all made a serious hash about getting any evidence that wasn’t contaminated.

  Ben was on a ladder, rolling paint onto the bedroom wall. I didn’t need to ask the color. I already knew--greige. I never should’ve given him that subscription to Martha Stewart Living. It was supposed to be an ironic gift.

  I swear that female is a vampire.

  Fang was sitting in an armchair in the room. The old bed was gone, all the other clutter removed except for a floor lamp adding more light.

  Warmth bloomed through me at the sight of Fang, alive and well.

  “Silverthorne!” Ben turned. “Don’t let Mr. Figgles get near the wet paint.”

  Fang turned his head, tried to get up and winced.

  “Don’t get up.” I waved him back down. “I’m surprised to see you out of the clinic already. Another night of rest and oxygen could only help.”

  “That’s what I told him. And Dr. Wendy.” Ben continued rolling over the bloodstains.

  It was Dr. Wendy now to Ben too?

  Damn, that witch got around. Maybe she hexed all males.

  “It’s a good thing you aren’t human,” I said to Fang. I stood next to him. I wanted badly to smooth his hair back from his forehead, but it felt too personal with Ben here. Besides, if I started touching him I might not stop. “That crash would’ve killed you.”

  “Hey,” Ben turned from his work to wave at the slumbering Mr. Figgles. “Human right here. If I died accidentally, you’d turn me then, right?”

  “Ben, I’m not turning you into a vampire. Stop asking.”

  Ben stopped wriggling his fingers at Mr. Figgles. His face fell. “Why? You said you’d think about it.”

  “Told you so,” Fang muttered.

  “I did think about it and the answer is no. You better take good care of yourself.”

  Ben opened his mouth to protest.

  I held up a hand. “Don’t make me glamour you. I will though if you don’t drop it. We’ve got a headless corpse, a missing shifter and an epidemic brewing. Have I missed anything?” I rubbed my palm against my forehead, reminding myself vampires don’t get headaches.

  “We’re renaming the motel,” Ben piped in. “The Fang and Figgle.”

  This was a joke right?

  Ben returned to his work.

  Fang fingered a tear in his pants, avoiding eye contact.

  “You’re kidding, right? We’ve got no time for this.”

  “We’re fully booked day after tomorrow.”

  “Why?” I asked, dreading the answer.

  “Casino opens on Halloween. We’ve got a coven staying here.”

  Another element to add to the chaos. Now witches
were everywhere. “Let me guess— Dr. Wendy’s coven?” I asked.

  Ben nodded. “Since all the rooms were pre-booked, we needed to move out.”

  I waved my hand, signaling it was time to move on. “Have you talked to Leon?” I asked Fang.

  “Spoke to him earlier.” He was wracked with a series of coughs and splinted his side with his hand. Being a paranormal didn’t remove the pain. I was serious he would’ve died from that crash if he was human.

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “All the rooms are pre-booked?”

  “Yep, I figured Fang can stay here with us since he’s recovering. Dr. Wendy thought it was a good idea too. I haven’t told the vamps yet though. I thought I should wait for you.”

  Being dead during the daytime was ruining my life. My carefully arranged life was being refashioned by a human, a shifter and a witch.

  I began to think longingly of the faculty backstabbing in academic medicine. At least that was contained to my professional life. This was like a free for all in every area.

  I took a deep breath. “We need to prioritize. Last night, the shifter mentioned dwarves working the casino construction site. I also think the Fae might be involved.”

  “The Fae?” Fang closed his eyes briefly. “Who mentioned them?”

  Yeah, he wasn’t getting that information from me. I wasn’t thinking of the trouble the young woman might get into with her father. I didn’t want to jeopardize my source.

  The outer office door jingled.

  I hoped this was Triana Fang here to explain what the hell was going on.

  I stepped out of the bedroom, still holding Mr. Figgles, and opened the office door.

  Hell no.

  My head started to spin with the rage bubbling up inside me.

  Idris, Elsbeth and Junior entered. Idris held the door open for Elsbeth. He had showered and returned to his usual natty wardrobe. His eyes slid over me coolly.

  So much for our truce of earlier in the evening, I should’ve let that fucker freeze to death as a rabbit.

  Elsbeth entered carrying an enormous leash in her hand, the end of which was tethered around Junior’s neck.

  Her perfectly coifed curls were flat, her white pinafore grubby and her stockings were ripped. She was missing one white glove.