Pushed

by Corrine Jackson

  Asher leaned against a tree trunk, his hand tucked in his coat pockets. “Want to tell me what happened to freak you out?”

  I’m sure I looked like a crazy person when I threw back my head and laughed. One side of his mouth tilted up in a small smile as he waited for me to sober up.

  “Gabe said that I don’t freak out,” I said wryly.

  Asher’s eyebrow shot up. “You spoke to Gabe?”

  I nodded. For the second time that night I explained what had happened when Erin touched me. Asher dropped his relaxed pose and pushed away from the tree. His hands tightened into fists, and I thought maybe he was angry.

  Like Gabe, he said nothing for a while after I finished. I could tell he wanted to speak, but couldn’t get the words out. The longer that went on, the more I worried.

  “WHAT?” I finally blurted out. “What do you know that I don’t? Asher, I was terrified. I thought I was going to attack that girl. What’s happening to me?”

  I covered my face with my hands. I didn’t hear Asher approach, but I fought him when he tried to pull my hands away. It did no good. He simply tugged them down. His thumbs brushed the inside of my wrists, and I doubted he was even aware he did it. Despite everything, my pulse jumped.

  Asher bent at the knees, so he could look me in the eye. “Everything’s okay. What happened to you is perfectly normal. For a Protector.”

  My mouth dropped open, and he tapped my chin with our joined hands.

  “Remember how I told you that our parents train us from a young age to keep our guard up around Healers? There was a reason for that. One you know too well now.”

  “That hunger . . . You mean you feel that all the time?”

  “No. Just around Healers. And you.”

  I groaned and pulled away from him. I paced away with my hands on my hips. He let me go, obviously concluding that I needed space to process this one. He’d warned me so many times that he was a danger to me, that he had to control himself around me. Having only felt the pull of my power around him, I’d had no idea what he meant. The way my body had craved Erin’s energy . . . Hurting her had been more than a possibility. How stupid and naïve I had been! How had he been fighting that hunger whenever we touched? Asher was far stronger than I’d guessed.

  “Well . . .” I said.

  “Well,” he repeated.

  “Every time I think I know what we’re up against, I get a good slap across the face.”

  “We can’t seem to get a break, huh?”

  His hair fell across his forehead, and my fingers itched to touch it. Instead, I tucked my hands in my pockets.

  Shifting my weight from foot to foot, I asked, “You really get that overload of hunger and energy whenever we touch?” He nodded. “How can you stand it?”

  His eyes trailed over me, and I felt a blush start at my toes and work its way up, even though I never blushed.

  “Totally worth it,” he said in a deep voice.

  My mouth dried up, and I swallowed, pretty sure I could be running a fever.

  “Hey, Remy?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Are you ever going to kiss me? I missed you.”

  If I had doubted that he would feel the same way about me, knowing this new challenge we faced, the need in his voice set me straight. I took two running steps and then launched myself at him. He caught me easily, holding me against him with my feet hanging in the air and our noses touching. This close, I could see the green of his eyes.

  I put my guard up. Then I pressed my lips to Asher’s, and I forgot all about Healers and Protectors.

  Much later, we came up for air long enough for me to tell him what had happened in the last two days. Asher had cleared the pine needles and leaves from a spot on the ground. I curled up between his outstretched legs, bracing myself against his chest while he leaned against a tree.

  “I’m sorry you had to be the one to tell him about Anna,” Asher said, after I told him about hearing my grandfather cry while listening to my mother’s recordings.

  I shrugged. “The last couple of days have been weird. He’s formed a community of Healers here, Asher. There are a lot of them.”

  His arms tensed around me. “That’s not possible. We’d know. The Protectors would know if that were true.”

  I twisted about to face him, sitting on my heels. “I’m telling you it is possible. I met some of them. Today I even watched a girl my age heal a child who nearly drowned.”

  I described what had happened with Delia and the boy, and Asher listened thoughtfully.

  “You said I was different from them, but I didn’t understand how much.” I shook my head. “Delia healed that little boy and walked away without a mark on her. I could never do that.”

  I sounded jealous. I could hear it in my voice. Since that afternoon, when I wasn’t reliving the nightmare with Erin, I’d been replaying the moment Delia had used her powers. My mother had described a Protector as an absorber of energy and a Healer as a conduit for energy, controlling it and using it to heal people. Basically, Protectors absorbed energy while Healers pushed it.

  As for me? I’d become some screwed-up mix of the two—pushing energy to heal, but absorbing the injuries and illnesses after. And now, like Protectors, apparently I could steal Healer energy. I would have to constantly be on my guard around them.

  I thought about what had happened with my grandfather the day before at dinner and how I’d healed his cut finger.

  “Already? That happened fast,” Asher said, reading my mind.

  We’d known I’d be forced to use my ability sooner or later, if for no other reason than to prove that I had one. Now more than ever, I guessed my grandfather would not have shared all he had so quickly without some type of demonstration from me. As he’d said, they had too much at stake here.

  “We kind of lucked out there,” I said in a solemn tone. “At least it was a small injury that I could hide.”

  I’d been able to prove myself and not reveal the nasty side effect of my ability that other Healers didn’t share. The side effect that had left me bruised, scraped, sick, and with broken bones from things that had never happened to me.

  Asher gave me a small, sad smile. “I wouldn’t exactly call it lucky that you were hurt,” he said.

  He reached for the hand that had bled the night before and brushed his lips across my knuckles. I shivered as he placed my hand on his shoulder. Freed from mine, his fingers trailed down my bare forearm to the sensitive skin of my inner elbow. Goose bumps popped up wherever he touched me.

  “You know what I mean.” My voice sounded breathy.

  “I do,” he admitted.

  Those magic fingers continued up my arm, brushed over my shoulders, and then skimmed my ribs on their way to my waist. I locked my gaze on Asher’s. They gleamed with a hint of desperation.

  “Asher?” I asked, uncertain.

  I’d had my guard lowered to share my thoughts. But kissing was something else. He should have his walls up, a fact he was choosing to ignore for some reason.

  “Kiss me,” he said.

  I started to raise my walls, all too happy to comply, but his fingers distracted me as they slipped under the hem of my T-shirt and flattened against the bare skin of my back. He pulled, knocking me off balance and into his arms. One hand left my back, and I immediately missed the warmth. But then his fingers were in my hair, working on the rubber band that held it back. Another tug and my hair fell across my shoulders. Asher leaned forward, burying his face in it.

  “Kiss me,” he whispered again.

  He wanted me to kiss him without our barriers up. I understood that, but I didn’t know why. I could hurt him. I had before. My body didn’t just cure his immortality. It stole it. He could end up dead. It wasn’t right to take chances with his life. Not like this.

  I shook my head. “No.”

  His eyebrows shot up in surprise, and my mouth quirked. I’m not sure it flattered me that my boyfriend thought I would say yes to his every r
equest.

  Asher’s sudden laugh sounded loud, and he didn’t loosen his grip when I moved my hands to his chest to push away.

  “We’d still be back in Blackwell Falls if you always said yes to me,” he said, clear amusement lightening his mood a degree.

  I pushed against him again, but to no avail. Damned super strength. “It’s completely unfair that you can read my mind, but I can’t read yours,” I grumbled. “Let me go.”

  His hold finally loosened and I sat up. His innocent expression looked so put on I didn’t trust it.

  “What’s wrong with you? You’re always telling me how dangerous it is for both of us to have our guard down.”

  “Maybe I just don’t feel like being in control right now.”

  I stared at him for a moment in silence. He gazed back in defiance.

  “No, that’s not it,” I said emphatically.

  It was one thing for Asher to lose control in the heat of the moment. That had happened to both of us more than once. This was something different. To suggest we knowingly take a chance went against everything we’d agreed to. He was holding something back. This felt like the days when he knew about my Healer blood, while I had tried to figure out what the hell he was. Today had been stressful enough.

  Asher raised his mental guard. He ran a hand through his hair, messing it up in his frustration. “I’m sorry. I’m acting like an ass.”

  “No argument here. Care to explain why?”

  “I’m tired. I hate being away from you. And I really hoped . . .” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I can’t believe I let myself hope they’d have a cure.”

  The missing puzzle piece slotted into place. He’d wanted my grandfather to be able to help us. As much as Asher had protested my coming here, he’d hoped the other Healers might know a way to solve our problems. We didn’t like to talk about it, but the possibility existed that I could become immortal, while he became human. We would never be in the same place for long with each of us constantly changing. I’d hardly admitted it to myself, but sometimes I worried that the return of Asher’s touch meant my ability to feel anything might disappear.

  Healing always came at a cost for me.

  The whole situation was so screwed up, no wonder we didn’t talk about it. I didn’t see a solution in sight, but I’d hoped my grandfather might have answers, too. It seemed I wasn’t the only one freaking out. Some selfish part of me felt glad that I wasn’t the only one acting irrationally.

  “Asher, lower your guard.”

  “No, you’re right. That was a reckless idea. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.”

  “You weren’t thinking. You were feeling,” I said, moving closer to him. Trust me. Lower your guard, I repeated in my thoughts. And close your eyes.

  He did as I asked.

  “Promise me you’ll stand still,” I whispered.

  He nodded after a slight hesitation. His heartbeat spiked when I laid a palm on his chest. His skin radiated heat, and I wanted to curl into it, but I took a deep breath. One of us had to be in control, so I raised my mental walls, knowing that when I felt this much, Asher could see through them. I opened my mind and let my imagination go, as I closed my eyes, too.

  I pictured myself touching him the way I wished I could without fear of repercussions. I pushed the coat off of his shoulders, letting it fall to the ground. My jacket and his T-shirt followed, leaving miles of skin and muscle for me to explore. I inhaled the scent of the woods mixed with that of Asher. In my mind, I placed one of his hands on my shoulder, bare except for the thin strap of a tank top. Then, mimicking what he’d done to me earlier, I trailed my fingers down his forearm, into the crook of his elbow, up his arm, and very lightly down his side.

  Asher’s real-life chest moved under my hand, as he sucked in a deep breath and I smiled. And then the mental version of me grazed her lips across Asher’s cheek to his mouth, sharing a breath with him. The kiss the imaginary me laid on him could have burned down the forest.

  “Remy,” Asher said.

  He sounded tortured, and I let the images fade from my mind, worried he hadn’t liked what I’d pictured. Back in the reality of the forest, we opened our eyes. My hand still rested against the thump, thump, thump of his heart.

  “You’re not the only one who’s frustrated,” I said.

  His expression looked pained. “We should go. Now.”

  He didn’t wait for my response, merely clasped my hand and took off running. Even with my new speed, I struggled to keep up with him. I didn’t get his urgency, but he didn’t listen when I asked him to slow down. We arrived near my grandfather’s property, and Asher sidestepped me when I would have hugged him good-bye. Instead, he gave me a light push toward the house. My ego took a bruising, too.

  “I love you. Text me when you’re inside, okay?”

  I scowled and didn’t move. “Seriously? That’s all you’re going to say?”

  Maybe it had only happened in my mind, but the moment we had shared in the forest had been intense.

  Asher inhaled a deep, calming breath and looked toward the sky. “You really don’t get how you affect me, do you?” He tipped my chin up with one of his knuckles. “You have to go now because I need to find a cold ocean to jump in. Can I make it any clearer?”

  I clapped a hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh when I grasped what he was trying to tell me. Heat crawled up my neck, and I turned to go in a hurry. Just before I stepped out of the forest, Asher whispered my name.

  “One day we won’t have to worry about mental walls. It’s going to be better than we can imagine.”

  He slipped through an opening in the trees and disappeared. Left alone with the thought of something better, I shivered and wished for it with all my might.

  CHAPTER TEN

  My days settled into a rhythm. Not comfortable exactly, but I didn’t have too many complaints. Sometimes my grandfather played tour guide and showed me around San Francisco. Most days, we drove out to Pacifica, and I absorbed what I could about the Healers. Asher had warned me to keep my guard up at all times, and after that first day, I agreed. I would never forgive myself if I hurt any of them. To be on the safe side, I also made a point of avoiding any accidental touches, sidestepping shaking hands with Healers even to the point of rudeness. I’d rather they think me rude, though, than chance feeling what I had with Erin.

  In the evenings, I slipped away to call my family. I told my grandfather that I was calling my friends back in Brooklyn, and I told my father that my grandfather was out when Ben asked to speak to him. I lied to my grandfather about my family in Blackwell Falls, and I lied to my family about how I spent my time with my grandfather.

  Someone should have given me a sash with THE WORLD’S GREATEST FIBBER written across it in caps. I’m fairly certain Lucy would have been happy to make it by hand. She avoided me like I had the chicken pox. Most of my updates about her came from Laura and Brandon. Gabe, on the other hand, had taken to sending me imperative texts. I could almost hear his arrogant tone when I read TAKE CARE OF MY BRTHR or REMEMBER YR TRAINING. I usually ignored his texts or texted back PISS OFF because I knew it would irritate him.

  The only person I didn’t lie to was Asher. Our time together came in stolen moments every few nights when I could sneak away. We feared that if we met more often, my grandfather would become suspicious. Plus, since our first night in the forest, Asher and I had spent more minutes in pent-up, awkward silence than talking. What conversation we had revolved around what I was learning about the other Healers in Pacifica.

  A couple of weeks after I arrived, my grandfather left me at Erin’s house while he ran errands. Alcais and Delia had gone off together somewhere, so I spent a rare moment alone with Erin. As had become our habit, we strolled to the beach, stopping at a small café along the way to pick up a hot cocoa for her and a mocha for me.

  I swiped a finger through the whipped cream and wrinkled my nose. “This is so wrong to be drinking hot coffee in July. We s
hould be in the middle of a heat wave that’s melting our shoes into the concrete.”

  Erin smiled. “That’s the Bay Area for you. Summer doesn’t get here until September. Too bad you’ll be gone by then. Franc said you live with friends in Brooklyn?”

  “Yes,” I lied. “Ever since my mother died.”

  “I’m sorry,” she responded simply.

  I nodded and sipped my drink. “Can I ask you something? What does it feel like? When you heal people?”

  Her head tipped to the side, and her hair spilled over her shoulder. “Don’t you know? You’ve experienced it yourself.”

  “So it’s the same for everyone then?” I asked.

  She blew on her cocoa. “Sure. Why wouldn’t it be? Someone is hurt or sick. We gather our energy and touch a person to heal him or her. There are sparks, and it’s a done deal. Nothing to it.”

  “Don’t you ever get cold after?”

  Asher said it looked like I had hypothermia, especially after healings that required more energy. My lips turned blue, and shivers racked my body until I could warm myself again. Delia hadn’t suffered any of this from what I’d seen.

  Erin gave me a curious look, tucking her hair behind one ear. “No. Do you?”

  I shrugged, not answering the question. I thought about the differences between our mothers. Erin spoke about her abilities with such ease. She’d grown up accepting that they were a part of her and not something to be hated or feared. Her mother had been the opposite of mine.

  “You’re lucky, Erin. To have all these people around to teach you. I didn’t have that.”

  We reached the breaker wall, and she held my drink while I hitched myself up onto the ledge. Then I held her drink while she did the same. I wore gloves, but I still maneuvered carefully to avoid our fingers touching. We studied the waves, and I could sense how badly she wanted to question me. It didn’t take long.

  “Your mother really didn’t tell you anything?”

  “No. I think she hoped that if she pretended my abilities didn’t exist, they would go away.” That was the truth. She’d admitted as much on the recordings. “She didn’t want me to be part of this life. Constantly in danger.” I turned to Erin. “How do you do it? Living with the threat of the Protectors hanging over you all the time?”