The Carmel Sheehan Story

by Jean Grainger

  She smiled and reached for his hand.

  ‘I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I’m so grateful for you being in my life, for you giving me a life, actually.’

  ‘You’re saving me too. We’re saving each other. Before you, it was just work, work, work. I never socialized or went on holiday, I didn’t see the point. Now, with you, everything is different, I’m living and working, not just working.’

  Carmel felt proud as she walked down to meet the primary school head teacher and took her to the day room for coffee. The teacher, a large black lady called Daf, with a growling infectious laugh, said they had been rehearsing for a musical, The Wizard of Oz. It was going to be performed for the parents, but she wondered if the patients would like to see it. The school was just across the road from the clinic and was a very inclusive place by all accounts. There was a posher, fancier place at the other end of town, but this school was a real rainbow of nationalities, religions, and ability levels. Sharif always said that if he’d have had children, he’d have sent them there.

  Just seeing the kids walk by in the mornings and being collected in the afternoons put a smile on lots of the faces of their patients, a reminder that life goes on.

  Of course, Carmel thought it was a lovely idea and made her first executive decision to go with it. Many patients had visitors but some didn’t, and to see the little ones singing and dancing could only bring joy. Daf’s dark eyes burned with passion when she spoke about the kids in her care. She chatted with Carmel over a coffee and delicious home-baked scones, and it emerged that the drama team at the school was having some trouble sourcing costumes.

  Carmel had an idea.

  ‘Maybe we could help you out there? I can sew and I’m running a sewing circle here in the afternoons, well actually, my late mother set it up so I’m just following in her footsteps.’ She smiled inwardly at how she dropped the words ‘my mother’ into the conversation like a normal person. ‘Well, anyway, some of the ladies really love it and they’re very good. Maybe if what you needed wasn’t that complicated, we could help to run up the costumes? Come to think of it, we also have a Men’s Shed thing here, some of the men enjoy doing woodworking projects, there are patients involved, but local residents, mostly retired, come too every Friday morning. I’m sure if you needed something made for a set, they’d organize that?’

  Suddenly, Carmel found herself lost in a sea of dark curly hair as Daf embraced her warmly.

  ‘That would be amazing! Thanks so much, if you’re sure it wouldn’t be too much? We just need yellow tunic things for the Munchkins, and they can wear black leggings, and if you could make a lot of red belts as well, just a strip of fabric for around the waist. Something like this, maybe…’ she opened a page on her phone.

  ‘That’s easy. I’m sure we can do that. How many do you need?’

  Daf winced and said apologetically, ‘Would fifty be out of the question? We can buy the material or whatever you need…’

  Sharif appeared at her shoulder.

  ‘What’s all this? Relaxing over cups of coffee when you’re supposed to be working? I don’t know, Daf, trying to get good staff these days…’ He grinned and kissed Carmel on the cheek, perching on the arm of her chair.

  ‘Hi, Sharif, Carmel here is just offering to help with the costumes for the school musical, we’re doing The Wizard of Oz, and we’re going to put on a show here for the patients as well if that’s okay?’

  ‘Of course, thanks for thinking of us… We’ll be looking forward to it, I’m sure. Carmel is a dab hand with a needle and thread, she gets it from her Mum, and she’s got all sorts going on in the sewing class, so I’m sure it will be a great project for them.’

  ‘And I thought the Men’s Shed guys could help with the set?’

  ‘Great idea, I think we’ve quite enough bird feeders, it’ll be good to change focus. The bird feeders are attracting so many birds, my car is covered in droppings every day now!’

  Carmel loved his chuckle.

  ‘Well, I was just saying that we’d supply the fabric or whatever they need, our fundraising team has been flat out getting sponsorships, if you can just let me know what lengths or whatever, Carmel…’

  ‘No, not at all, we’ll pay for all of that,’ Sharif was insistent. ‘Let it be our contribution. You just let us know what you want and we’ll take care of it. It’s the least we can do if we’re getting the West End Theatrical experience brought to our very own Aashna House. Hey, maybe we could throw a little party afterwards, you know for the kids, some sweets, balloons, music, that sort of thing?’

  Carmel caught Daf’s glance and smiled, Sharif was like a kid himself, and his enthusiasm was infectious.

  ‘The Kaivalya would be perfect, after the performance, we could take out the seats, have a little party, what do you say, ladies?’

  Carmel fought the urge to jump up and hug him there and then. He was so emotional, so full of excitement and fun, the very opposite of Bill. ‘I think it would be lovely. Daf?’

  ‘Well, I know the kids would love it but, the Kaivalya here is so beautifully decorated and all that glass and plants and everything, I’m thinking sticky fingers and spilled fruit juice…and as well, wouldn’t it be too noisy for the patients? They’re a bit hyper at the best of times, but after a performance, they might be very boisterous.’

  ‘No, absolutely not, that’s what the Kaivalya was built for; we can clean it up afterwards, no problem. You know what we are like here, Daf, it’s not a hushed tones kind of place. These people are sick, yes, but they’re not dead yet, and a bit of fun and craic, as my charming Irish lady might say, would be good for them. Of course, those that don’t want to participate don’t have to, but nothing lifts the spirits like the smile of a child; it would honestly do everyone here some good. We’d love to host them here, and lay on some treats and music or whatever, I’ll leave the details to Carmel here. Now, I must go, I’m meeting a new patient.’

  Sharif kissed her on the head. ‘See you later.’

  Daf grinned. ‘I’ve known him a long time, and I’ve never seen him so happy. You two are good together.’

  ‘We are. He’s one in a million.’

  Daf left, promising to text the details, and Carmel made a note on her phone to speak to the sewing circle and the Men’s Shed, then made her way back to the main house to check in with the pottery class.

  Walking through the grounds, she observed the patients, trying to imagine what age her father might be. If Dolly was only in her early twenties when Carmel was born, then he was probably around the same age, if it was this Joe, which would make him early sixties now. The fact that her mother included the photo of herself and Joe she took to mean that this Joe was her father, but maybe not. When Sharif found her that time in Dublin, he told her what Dolly had told him, that she was young, and that Ireland wasn’t a kind place for young unmarried girls who found themselves pregnant. So, she just assumed the Joe in the photo was her father, but since the trail went cold there, there wasn’t any point in further speculation. Dolly had never even told Nadia who Carmel’s father was and they were, by all accounts, as close as two friends can be. If it was truly just a young couple in trouble, why the big secret all these years later? In all the letters to Carmel, she never mentioned Joe or any other man, not even once, but then why include the picture? For the millionth time since she’d got here, she wished she’d had even one day with her mother, one hour even, just to talk to her, to ask her things. Maybe she would have told her only child who her father was or maybe not; maybe it was a closed chapter for her. All was well with the pottery class and Carmel decided to knock off for the evening. She was so tired and decided to get an early night. Back in their apartment, she made herself a cup of tea and tried to still her racing thoughts.

  ‘A penny for them?’ Nadia asked as she gazed out of the window. Carmel spun around, she thought she was alone.

  ‘Oh, Nadia, I’m sorry…I wasn’t expecting…’ she was flustere
d.

  ‘It’s quite alright, my dear, Sharif let me in, I hope you don’t mind? He’s outside talking to somebody, I was passing and I thought I hadn’t seen you for a few days and Sharif said you seemed a little distracted; he wasn’t telling tales, my dear, he just was worried about you…’

  ‘Oh, I was just thinking about my mother, my father, you know.’ She smiled and turned to Nadia.

  ‘Do you feel like a walk?’ Something in her tone suggested it wasn’t just a stroll in the evening air that was on offer; she gazed intently at Carmel.

  ‘Sure, okay.’

  It was a mild enough evening that she didn’t need a coat and she and Nadia waved a cheery goodbye to Sharif, who was still deep in conversation with one of the physiotherapists.

  ‘We’re just going for a walk,’ his mother called and led Carmel away from the clinic, towards the exit of the campus.

  ‘You don’t have to tell me anything, Carmel, there were things your mother never revealed to me and you know how close we were. I understand you may want to keep it to yourself, and every woman has her secrets, but it might help.’ Nadia didn’t look at her but kept clipping along at a pace that belied her short legs. Carmel didn’t say anything, she never had anyone to confide in before, so it didn’t come naturally to her.

  Nadia chatted on, ‘Your mother and I shared everything, even Sharif, really. She so longed to have you back and that void hurt her every day of her life. She and Sharif,’ Nadia sighed, ‘I will be honest, sometimes I was jealous of their bond. When he was a teenager, if he had a problem, it was Dolly he would go to, and it hurt me, but she always directed him to me. Always, she would say that he should talk to me. And Khalid as well, he loved her too.’

  Carmel stopped and looked at the other woman in dismay.

  ‘No, not like that, not in a devious way; he was never unfaithful to me in any way, but he loved Dolly and she loved him. She was like a sister, as I said, but there were things she kept from me. In the last year or two before she died, she would go to visit someone and stay overnight, maybe once or twice a week, and she never said who or why.’

  ‘And you never asked?’ Carmel was fascinated.

  ‘No, she knew that I knew and she never volunteered the information, so I never asked. It might sound odd, but we respected each other’s privacy. Khalid was gone, Sharif was busy with Aashna, and Dolly had this other life that I knew nothing about. It was hard.’

  Carmel squeezed her arm as they walked. Nadia was so honest, so warm and open, Carmel thought it might be easy to talk to her. Sharif was wonderful and so understanding, but Carmel needed her mother. She never needed her as much when she was a child, or a new bride or anything like that, but now that she could picture her as a real person, she desperately wanted her guidance. It was all so confusing, she just didn’t know how to process it.

  ‘Anyway, enough about me, what has you awake at night?’

  ‘Oh, Nadia, I don’t know where to even start…’ Carmel heard the despair in her own voice.

  ‘The beginning is usually a good place.’

  ‘I know I should be so happy, and I am, I really am. It’s like a dream come true but I just miss her. Like, it’s stupid, how can you miss someone you never met? And then I think about my father, and I need to know; I keep thinking I’m seeing him, in the street or on the bus, it’s ridiculous I know, even if he’s alive, he’s probably in Ireland. And this Joe in the picture, like, why did Dolly give me that if he’s not my father? I just want to know, when I was little I used to make up stories in my head about my mammy and daddy, but once I got old enough to realize they weren’t going to come for me, I forced it out of my mind. I didn’t just forget about them, it was different, I wouldn’t allow those thoughts in, but now that I’m here and she’s real, she lived here, I can’t stop thinking, wondering. I never had anyone of my own, except Kit, and I should be down on my knees in gratitude for Sharif and you and all of this, but it’s like something has woken in me and I can’t let it go. I’m going out of my mind, Nadia.’

  On they walked.

  ‘So, what are you going to do now?’

  ‘I don’t know, I wouldn’t even know where to start to look for this Joe, I don’t even know his surname, and anyway he may not even be my father… And if he is, he doesn’t deserve to have me land up and wreck his life, a reminder of a girl he knew forty years ago. He’s probably living happily and the last thing he’d need is me showing up, destroying everything he’s built. He probably doesn’t know I exist, or if he knew about Dolly’s pregnancy, might not even have told his wife or kids, if he has them.’

  Carmel fought back the tears and Nadia squeezed her arm.

  ‘I know what you are saying, and I understand, but have you thought about what might happen if he is happy to see you? He might be your father, and you might have a relationship with him, and all I’ve heard from you is how he doesn’t deserve this or that. The damage you could cause to him. What about what you deserve, hmm? Don’t you think you deserve something? None of this is your fault, you’re the innocent victim in all of this and I think you deserve a chance to at least find this man. Ask him if he’ll take a DNA test. If it proves he’s not your father, then so be it, at least he can fill in some more gaps for you about Dolly and if he is, well then, that’s a whole new chapter in your life, Carmel. Everything has been on hold for you for too long, you are entitled to a life, you are entitled to know who your parents are. How can you be a whole person, complete, if you don’t know where you’ve come from?’ They stopped walking. ‘Ahh, Betty’s Café, my favourite tea room. Let’s rest our legs, shall we?’

  Carmel allowed herself to be led into a bright, sunny tea room and gratefully sank into a booth while Nadia ordered tea and cake.

  Maybe Nadia was right, maybe she had the right to know. For so much of her life, she was in the way, someone to be taken care of out of duty or necessity. Her needs were met in the most perfunctory of ways, food, clothes, a bed, but nobody ever consulted her on anything or asked her how she felt, what she thought. She was inconsequential. But Nadia and Sharif didn’t see her that way, and maybe this Joe wouldn’t either, if she could find him.

  Nadia sat down as the waitress placed cups and tea pots and two slices of lemon drizzle cake from a tray to the table.

  ‘What does Sharif think you should do?’ Nadia asked.

  ‘He says he’ll help me in whatever way he can, but I’ve taken enough from him already. The last thing he needs is me bringing even more trouble to his door, or causing even more expense and hassle. I should probably just leave well enough alone.’

  ‘Carmel, you say he is so far above you or whatever nonsense you said, but he is nothing of the kind. He loves you and I have not seen my beloved boy in love for so very, very many years. You make him laugh so loudly and so often, it does my heart good to see it. He used to be full of fun, but in recent years, he has just been so busy with Aashna and he never took time for himself, and you love him too, I can see that. Dolly sent him to you; I don’t know if you believe in that or not, but I do, and I am sure that Dolly sent Sharif to you. You see it as he rescued you, and yes, he did, but Carmel, you rescued him as well.’

  ‘That’s what he says too, but Nadia, he could have anyone, I mean all the nurses, every woman we meet looks at him and then looks at me and…’

  ‘And says what a beautiful couple they make, and see how they only have eyes for each other? That’s what people see, Carmel, nothing else. But one thing I do know. You have to love yourself before you can truly give or receive love from anyone else. You were never taught to love yourself and that man you married, well honestly, I don’t know what to say about him, he did nothing to help, but this is the new you, a second chance. Trust Sharif, and let him help you.’

  Chapter 8

  Just as they were about to go to bed, Sharif’s beeper went off. Immediately, he rang reception.

  ‘Marlena?’

  Carmel started clearing up the cups, they’d d
runk so much chai tea.

  ‘Okay, I’m on my way.’

  He hung up.

  ‘Some people are in reception, quite distressed, Marlena thinks they’re Irish, will you come? There’s nobody else on tonight and if people are upset…they might need a soothing voice while I examine the patient.’ He was putting on his shoes, the beautiful tan leather slip on ones she’d admired that first day in Dublin.

  ‘Of course.’ She followed him out into the dark night, walking through the grounds and then in through the back entrance of the main building.

  Unlike hospitals, Aashna House was kept dark at night. Sharif wanted people to feel as at home as possible, so they walked in silence along the corridor.

  In reception, two men waited, both in their seventies she guessed. One was sitting on a chair, clearly in great pain and the other rested his hand on his shoulder, clearly worried sick by the look on his face.

  Immediately, when he saw Sharif and Carmel he came forward.

  ‘I’m sorry for the late call, and I know you don’t have an A&E here, but my friend is in terrible pain…he has cancer…’

  ‘No problem, Carmel, can you get a wheelchair please?’ Sharif bent down in front of the man in the chair.

  ‘I’m Dr Sharif Khan, I’d like to examine you if I may, so I’m going to take you to an examination room and we can take it from there.’

  The man looked up and nodded, the pain etched deep lines on his face.

  ‘I know who you are; Dolly told me to come here when it got too bad,’ he croaked.

  Carmel froze. Sharif caught her eye but said nothing, his focus was on the man in front of him. Dolly? There could only be one Dolly. Did this man know her mother too?

  Sharif’s voice cut through her shock. ‘Carmel, if you can just help me to get, Mr…?’