The Long Way Home

by Rachel Spangler

  Beth laughed because Lindsay was a bitch, and if she were here right now she might tell her that, but deep down she knew she was the one who had ruined their night out.

  They walked back to Tyler’s truck and Beth grabbed the keys, as the men were in no shape to drive. When they pulled away from the festival and into the sleepy streets of Darlington, Chris finally asked, “What should we do about Rory? We can’t let her lock herself in that apartment. We just got her back.”

  “I don’t know that we have Rory back,” Beth said honestly. “She’s awfully invested in being Raine now.”

  “She wasn’t Raine until Lindsay showed up. She was fine being Rory when we were talking about skinny-dipping in high school.”

  Beth smiled in spite of her sour mood. Rory had been fun when they were reminiscing about the good ole days. She was playful, relaxed, and laughed easily. She was sexy all the time, even when brooding, but Rory was absolutely captivating when she laughed. She even got a little flirtatious with Beth.

  Beth warmed at the memory of Rory saying, “I was stupid if I ever overlooked you.” Beth had almost melted. She’d seen Rory in action before and knew she could be devilishly charming, but until tonight those charms had never been directed at her. The effect was pleasantly unsettling.

  “Come on, Beth. Let’s try again next weekend,” Tyler said.

  “I want to, guys,” Beth said, “but Rory’s made it clear she doesn’t want to be in Darlington. I don’t think she’ll let herself be hauled uptown again.”

  “Then we’ll have to come up with something else to do.”

  “Like what?” If Beth could think of any way to make Rory feel comfortable, she would, but she was tired of forcing her into social situations that only frustrated her.

  “Leave that up to us. Just meet us at Rory’s again after your game next Saturday.”

  Saturday? That at least gave her some time. Hopefully by then Kelly and Rory would settle down, and maybe Beth could sort out her own inner conflicts. Besides, she wouldn’t be able to brush off the guys without a good excuse. Saying “I’m secretly gay, so Rory thinks I’m a hypocrite, and my closeted girlfriend is ashamed of my behavior” didn’t seem like a good option, so she relented.

  “Fine, but that’s the last time.” Even as she spoke, Beth got the sickening feeling that she’d just uttered the famous last words of a fool.

  Chapter Seven

  Raine was too mad at Beth to think about where she was going. When she finally stopped walking, she was a few blocks from Patty’s house, which made sense. Patty lived closer to the town square than to the college, and even if Raine was angry enough to walk all the way back to campus, she wasn’t ready to be alone with her thoughts.

  Patty offered the perfect distraction. She wasn’t complicated, she wasn’t demanding, she didn’t have an investment in Rory the way everyone else in town seemed to. Patty was interested in Raine, and that was exactly what Raine needed right now. Beth had shown up at her apartment like it was the most natural thing in the world, then paraded her through town like they were old friends. She had laughed and joked and even flirted with Raine, but the minute they ran into resistance she hid in the closet. Beth didn’t want a fight, she didn’t want to make a scene, she didn’t even want to stand up for herself.

  Raine didn’t care. She didn’t need Beth. She didn’t need anyone. She did need to feel far away from this town and its stifling influences. She needed to feel strong and self-assured. She needed to be in control. She needed to drown the only memories of Rory that she’d allowed to surface over the course of the evening and return to being Raine.

  She’d let herself slip. She had let down her guard and allowed people who knew her as Rory lull her into relaxing her defenses about her own identity, and because of that weakness she’d opened herself up to more pain. She couldn’t go back there. She needed to be strong and angry to make herself impenetrable, and that meant calling on Raine. Rory might’ve been heartbroken by Beth’s hypocrisy or afraid to lose the one real friend she had in town. Rory might even be moved by the hurt in Beth’s eyes when they argued, but Raine wasn’t. Raine was immune to the past. She cared only for the present.

  She knocked on Patty’s door and heard her call, “Who is it?”

  “Raine.” She felt better as the name left her lips.

  It was a blur of skin, sheets, and sweat as they collided. Patty’s T-shirt and shorts were gone before they were halfway down the hall, and Raine’s clothes hit the bedroom floor. They kissed and groped with a ferocity that would’ve appalled her under other circumstances, but she didn’t hesitate now. Raine pushed Patty onto the bed and pinned her hands above her head with one hand while she rubbed her other firmly across Patty’s body. She didn’t savor the moment or tease or think about her movements. The sex was mind-numbing and purely physical. Patty responded by orgasming quickly and flipping Raine over to return the favor.

  Neither of them paused after the first round. They simply had sex again, using a multitude of varying positions and methods. Patty’s athletic conditioning provided strength and stamina, and the hours that followed burnt off the excesses of Raine’s fear and frustration until she was spent and collapsed into a dreamless sleep.

  Raine awoke to the smell of coffee and the bright light of mid-morning. She didn’t know how long she’d slept, but it wasn’t long enough. Her body was weak from the night’s activities, and her head felt fuzzy from the beer. She wanted to close her eyes and drift off again, but her stomach growled loudly. She’d eaten only a small bowl of chili in almost twenty-four hours, and she’d burned off those calories early during her time with Patty. She sat up, relieved that her head didn’t throb when she moved.

  Patty was at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee and the St. Louis Post Dispatch. She wore athletic shorts and a sports bra that clearly revealed her muscled physique.

  “Morning,” Raine said, resisting the urge to run her hand over Patty’s sculpted torso. She needed sustenance before she let her libido lead again, so she headed to the coffeepot.

  “How you feeling?” Patty asked from behind the newspaper.

  “Mentally, physically, or emotionally?”

  Patty chuckled. “Pick one.”

  “Better on all counts, actually.” Raine kissed Patty quickly, then sat down beside her. “Thanks to you.”

  “My pleasure. You were pretty wound up when you got here.” Patty seemed unsure whether she should say more, but chose to add, “I’m up for some conversation if you ever need more than sex.”

  Raine hung her head. This was the third time in a week she’d barged in on Patty, had sex, and then left. It hadn’t occurred to her to feel guilty about that until now.

  Patty said, “Listen, I’m not asking for anything more.” Perhaps she read the remorse in Raine’s expression. “It seemed like maybe you had something on your mind.”

  Raine thought of her family, Lindsay, Mrs. Anthony, and especially of Beth, but she couldn’t even begin to put everything into words. Instead, she chose the theme that united all of them. “I really hate this town.”

  Patty nodded. “Why do you think I get the St. Louis paper every Sunday? I need a glimpse of the real world to remind me there’s something else out there.”

  Raine scooted her chair closer. “What are we reading today?”

  “Job listings.”

  “Seriously?”

  Patty shrugged. “Just dreaming. I never apply for any of them, but I feel less trapped when I know I have options.”

  “Why not?” Raine was surprised that Patty would want a different life, but she shouldn’t be. What sexy, young lesbian would want to live in Darlington?

  “I was raised up the road in Oquiendo. My parents still live there. Small-town life is all I know,” Patty said wistfully.

  “But you hate it or you wouldn’t want to run away. Why not apply for one of those jobs?” Raine scanned the classified column and pointed to a listing. “St. Louis University is hiring a
coordinator for their aquatics center. You’d be perfect for that.”

  Patty smiled excitedly. “That’s the one I’ve been staring at all morning.”

  “What are you waiting for? It’s a college, it’s athletics, it’s in a city, and it’s only an hour away from your family. You don’t have a thing to lose.”

  “I haven’t been offered the job yet.”

  “You will be. This job is made for you. They won’t find anyone more qualified.”

  “I could always come back if it didn’t work out,” Patty said, clearly considering the possibilities more seriously.

  “Sure, but I doubt you’ll want to.” Raine was feeding off Patty’s excitement, as if she were the one plotting her escape. If she couldn’t get out of this godforsaken town, she could at least live vicariously through Patty.

  “I’m gonna do it,” Patty said resolutely. “I’ll go print my résumé right now.”

  “I’m proud of you.” Raine hugged her. It occurred to her briefly that if Patty left she’d lose her sex buddy, but given Patty’s excitement, that didn’t matter. Patty wasn’t long-term-relationship material, but she’d been there when Raine needed her. Now it was Raine’s turn to help her. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

  “You can go back to bed,” Patty said seductively. “We’ve got some celebrating to do.”

  Raine didn’t need to say anything else. Body aches be damned, sex was exactly what they both needed to get their minds off the magnitude of their changing circumstances.

  *

  August 23

  Raine peeked at her watch for the fifth time in ten minutes. She was about halfway through her painfully awkward dinner with her parents and her brother. They had already covered the weather, church, and the high-school football team’s big win on Friday. Now the topics came less readily, and Raine’s tension level grew exponentially.

  Had dinner with her family always been this dull? They’d eaten together every night at six o’clock and had never wanted for conversation. Raine and Davey talked about school, their friends, and anything else going on in their lives. Her father discussed politics, hunting, and plans for the farm. Her mother was an endless source of funny stories and local gossip. Now they only scratched the surface of those topics or avoided them altogether.

  Raine couldn’t handle it any longer. If she had to sit here staring at her fork a minute longer, she’d pull her hair out. “Daddy, when does hunting season start?”

  “October,” he answered plainly, and returned to chewing his baked chicken.

  “Bet you’re excited about that.”

  “I suppose.”

  Since Raine didn’t get anywhere with her father, she switched targets. “What about you, Davey? Do you still hunt?”

  “Little bit. Mostly ducks.”

  He wasn’t much help either. “Well, maybe you’ll give me a duck this year. I haven’t had duck tips for a long time.”

  “Sure.”

  This is ridiculous. Why did they invite me if they won’t talk to me? “Dinner’s good, Mama,” Raine said truthfully of the oven-baked chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy accompanied by sweet corn picked from the garden less than an hour before their meal. It was Midwestern fare at its purest, and she hadn’t had meals like this since she left home. Her own kitchen skills were limited, and while she’d frequented the finest four-star restaurants Chicago had to offer, no restaurant could ever capture the taste of home cooking.

  “Thank you,” her mother said. “I’ll pack some up for you.”

  “Thanks,” Raine said, but didn’t know where to go from there and reluctantly retreated into silence. The longer they continued with nothing more than the occasional quip about benign subjects like the neighbors’ new cat or the large pothole in the street out front, the more frustrated Raine became. Her family hadn’t asked her a single personal question. They hadn’t inquired about her job, her friends, or, God forbid, her relationship status. They hadn’t referred to the fact that she’d been gone for ten years, let alone brought up the reason why. It was as if nothing had ever happened.

  No, that wasn’t the case, because if nothing had ever happened, they wouldn’t feel this awkward. If nothing had happened, they’d talk and joke and tease each other about silly things. If nothing had happened, they wouldn’t be distant, disapproving, and disappointed in her. Maybe they thought if they pretended those things didn’t exist they would go away. Maybe they hoped she’d go away.

  Her mother got up, cleared the dishes off the table, and came back a few minutes later with several Tupperware containers full of food for Raine. “So you don’t get hungry this week.”

  Her father and Davey moved to the den to watch baseball. Raine was left at the table by herself, further evidence she was being ignored, like all the other unpleasantness between them.

  Fine. If they don’t want to have to deal with me, I won’t make them. She headed for the door, but before she got there her mother called, “See you next Sunday.”

  Raine shut the door behind her. She wasn’t so sure about that.

  Chapter Eight

  August 27

  Beth strolled deliberately up and down the aisles of the college library, a task she liked to perform several times a day. She could check that everything was in order, no books had been left on the floor, no food or drinks were near the shelves, and no students were using the seclusion of the less-frequented sections as a romantic getaway.

  Her patrol wasn’t totally a function of her position as head librarian, though. She used the time to unwind from the tension of paperwork as well as to interact with students. As she turned down the last aisle housing general fiction, she found a young woman staring blankly at the shelves.

  Beth recognized the girl’s befuddlement over the Library of Congress cataloguing system. “Can I help you find something?”

  “I’m in Professor St. James’s class, and I need to find a gay book.”

  “A gay book?” Beth smiled at the characterization and the ease with which the girl had said it. This was a new generation, one that gave her hope, but she couldn’t resist the joke inherent in the girl’s request. “I’m pretty certain none of the books have a sexual orientation.”

  The young woman bristled. “No, that’s not what I meant.”

  “Relax.” Beth chuckled. “I was teasing. We don’t have a separate section for gay and lesbian literature, but I’d be happy to point out a few books that might work for you.”

  “That’d be great.” The girl was visibly relieved.

  “Let’s start here.” Beth indicated the shelf directly in front of them. If it was gay books Professor St. James wanted, that’s what she’d get. Rory probably thought that Beth wouldn’t have the courage to carry gay-or lesbian-themed literature in the library, but she was wrong. “We’re standing right by Woolf and Wilde.”

  “Which would you pick?”

  “I’d start with The Picture of Dorian Gray and Orlando.”

  The girl skimmed the cover of both books. “Are you sure these are gay?”

  Beth laughed. “Queer scholars claim they are. Did you want something with obvious gay themes?”

  “I’m not sure. We’re supposed to bring in a book with queer characters.”

  “If you want someone more easily identifiable as queer, we’ll move up a few decades.” Beth walked up a few more rows into the literature section. This one will impress Raine for sure. “Here’s Toothpick House by Lee Lynch. You won’t have any trouble finding lesbians in there.”

  “Okay, that’ll do.”

  “No, no, we’re only halfway through the alphabet.” Beth was reveling in her task. It wasn’t every day she was able to share her personal favorites in literature and get the satisfaction of working with Rory, even remotely. She loved the idea of opening doors through literature. This girl was obviously unaware of the proud tradition of gay and lesbian writers, and Beth wanted to right that wrong. She was sure that’s what Rory was trying to do with the a
ssignment. “Next we have James Baldwin and Rita Mae Brown.”

  “I only need one.” The girl tried to dodge the last two books as Beth held them out to her. “Other people in class might want some of these.”

  Beth thought about that logic. Students didn’t have many other options in town. Still, she didn’t want to pick just one. She was proud of her library’s selection, but she couldn’t force them all on one student in one session. “Baldwin and Brown might be a little radical for beginners. Wilde and Woolf will make you work harder to get to the heart of their subtexts.” She grabbed Toothpick House and handed it to the girl. “Start here, but promise me if you like it you’ll come back for the others.”

  The girl smiled. “I promise, and I’ll tell everyone else in class about them too.”

  As the girl headed to the checkout desk, Beth resumed her patrol. What would Rory say when the student informed the class about the great selection of gay books and the helpful librarian who knew exactly where to locate them? Would Rory be impressed? Would she rethink her characterization of Beth as not wanting to draw attention to herself? More important, why did Rory’s opinion of her matter so much?

  *

  August 28

  After her afternoon class, Rory stopped by the main academic office to check her campus mailbox. She had already forgotten to do it several times and had received several snippy phone calls from the secretary, so when she did finally remember to stop in, she made sure to do so after the offensive woman went home at three o’clock.

  “Hiding from our clerical staff?” Miles called out when he came around the corner from his office.

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “Don’t worry. All the new faculty are afraid of her.”

  “I bet that’s the way she likes it.”

  Miles threw back his head and laughed. “You catch on quickly.”