The Long Way Home

by Rachel Spangler

  “I don’t mind,” Chris said. “This is the closest I’ve been to sex for months.”

  “A vicarious thrill is better than no thrill at all,” Raine said.

  “Oh, come on, you’ve gotten some recently.” Tyler nudged her. “You’re a stud, right?”

  Raine grinned at the characterization, but she wasn’t sure that two country boys were ready to see her relationships with women as on par with their own. “I don’t know what you’ve heard about lesbians, but I’ve never been part of anything resembling your lipstick-lesbian fantasies, so don’t even think about it like that.”

  “Sorry, stud.” Chris punched her shoulder. “You aren’t the type of woman that shows up in my fantasies. I bet you have your pick of the litter, though. You’ve got that celebrity thing going on.”

  Raine shrugged and had another drink of her beer. Her celebrity status had gotten her plenty of attention, too much sometimes. Would the women she dated have been interested in her if they hadn’t known her as Raine St. James? Few of them would find her attractive right now, in the middle of a cornfield with a group of people who knew her as Rory, not Raine. She was acting like Rory too—relaxed, unguarded, unrefined—and enjoying herself. “I did okay in Chicago.”

  “Fuck Chicago,” Tyler said. “I hear you’ve been doing all right in Darlington too.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Patty Spezio, buddy. Everyone knows she’s as gay as it gets, and you’ve been sleeping over.”

  “Oh.” It hadn’t occurred to Raine that people would notice her spending the night at Patty’s, and she felt a little sick about it now. The fact that Beth wouldn’t meet her eyes only compounded her embarrassment. Apparently she’d figured out her relationship with Patty too. It was nobody’s business but hers and Patty’s, but Raine had the urge to explain herself to Beth. If she could even put into words what she and Patty were to each other.

  “‘Oh’? What’s that mean? You’ve had more sex in this town in two weeks than I’ve had in months, and all you’ve got to say about it is ‘oh’?”

  “What’s there to say? Patty’s a friend.” Raine used the only word that seemed appropriate.

  “I wish I had more friends like that.” Chris prodded her. “How good a friend is she?”

  Raine chuckled. It boosted her ego to be seen as a stud, but the further this line of questioning went, the more uncomfortable she became. She didn’t mind talking about sex. In fact, under some circumstances it was her favorite subject, but she didn’t want to add to the Darlington rumor mill. She’d already been too careless, and while she trusted Tyler and Chris, she didn’t want to disrespect Patty.

  She should’ve realized that nothing went unnoticed in Darlington, especially something as scandalous as the town lesbians spending the night together. She suddenly had more sympathy for Beth and the over-the-top measures she and Kelly took. The thought sobered her. “You know, I think that any woman who’s good enough to share her bed with me deserves my respect.”

  “Boo.” Tyler threw his empty beer can at her, and Chris gave her a shove. “When’d you become a fucking Boy Scout?”

  Raine laughed, but Beth answered. “Maybe it’s that type of chivalry, and not Rory’s celebrity, that women find most attractive about her.”

  Her blue eyes were on Rory again, warming her with their beauty. Beth rested against the back of the truck with her elbows on the tailgate behind her. The pose was both casual and sexual, displaying the length of her body without appearing overly provocative. Raine’s temperature rose as she returned Beth’s slow smile, but Tyler interrupted the momentary connection too soon.

  “Oh my God, she turned Beth gay.”

  “Damn, you’re good.” Chris gave Raine a high five.

  “You two are idiots.” Beth’s smile seemed forced and Raine could see the fear behind her rebuke. “You can appreciate someone without wanting to sleep with them.”

  Though the statement was true and probably made out of self-preservation, it stung Raine’s ego. She did want Beth’s appreciation and was glad to have it, but the added bonus of being told she didn’t care to sleep with her reminded Raine that Beth was off-limits. She wasn’t sure why that bothered her. She wasn’t interested in Beth. Beth was too prim and proper, too closeted, and too taken for her tastes. She was altogether too complicated.

  Tyler’s eyes gleamed. “Are you saving yourself for marriage, or are you too good to ever have sex?”

  “No, I’m not too good to have sex. I’m just too good to talk about it with you,” Beth replied.

  “Come on,” Chris pleaded. “You can’t tell us you’ve had sex and then not share the details. You’ve shattered my view of you. It’s your responsibility to build a new one.”

  Raine thought about what the guys were asking. Beth obviously couldn’t and wouldn’t open up in order to protect herself and Kelly. While Raine wasn’t interested in helping anyone hide who they were, she decided to stop the conversation for her own sake. If she were forced to think about Beth having sex, she’d have to think about her with Kelly, and that would drive her crazy. It was bad enough that Beth hid who she was, but it was unbearable to think of her wasting her time with someone who didn’t want to be seen with her. How could Kelly make love to Beth one day and refuse to acknowledge her the next?

  “I don’t want to hear another word about it,” she said. “I prefer to keep my image of Beth as a perfect angel.”

  The others stared at her. Perhaps the statement hadn’t sounded as teasing as she’d hoped. Raine silently willed them not to recognize her underlying motives.

  “I see your point,” Chris finally admitted. “Finding out good girls don’t exist is like learning there’s no Santa Claus.”

  “Thanks,” Beth said, clearly relieved. “I think.”

  The conversation shifted, and Beth seemed to relax more as the subject of their sex lives faded. The tension slowly eased from her body and the worry lines on her forehead smoothed out. She was beautiful there in the moonlight, and Raine was pleased that she’d helped offer her some safety. However, she wasn’t able to shake her own visions of Beth and Kelly together. She’d need more than a change of topic to erase them.

  *

  When Beth got home at midnight, the old farmhouse was empty and quiet after the constant chatter of friends. She’d been the designated driver after the guys and Rory killed the case of beer. Her friends safely home, she now put on her worn pair of cotton pajamas and climbed into bed. Sleep should come quickly since she was tired and happy.

  It had turned into a good night despite her initial displeasure at Tyler and Chris’s plan. Rory had certainly enjoyed herself. She was almost jovial at times, and her dimples had appeared frequently. Beth watched in awe as she commanded the group’s attention with stories of Chicago and all the places she’d been. She was funny, entertaining, and open about her past without anger or animosity. She was so much like her old self that Beth barely remembered that she was with Raine instead of Rory.

  The only time she clammed up was when they talked about sex. Not her sex life, though. She was charming and debonair discussing Patty. She exuded confidence and laughed easily when the guys called her a stud. She was obviously comfortable with the label. Beth was attracted to Rory’s self-assured sensuality yet repulsed at the thought of her fooling around with Patty. That was clearly all they were doing, since Rory wasn’t in love with Patty.

  Beth knew the signs of someone in love, and Rory had none of them. But did her purely sexual connection to Patty make Beth feel better or worse? Rory deserved to be happy, but Patty wasn’t the woman she needed. She needed someone steadier, someone who offered balance.

  Beth shook her head. Why was she lying in bed thinking about what Rory needed in a partner? Rory’s comment about her being too pure to have sex had made her opinion about Beth’s personal life clear. That was Beth’s image around town, and she used it to her advantage when she wanted privacy, but Rory knew she wasn’t a saint
. Why was she so weird when the topic came up? She acted like she couldn’t stand the thought of Beth having sex.

  She’d probably steered the conversation onto less loaded topics because she respected Beth’s desire to remain closeted. At least she hoped Rory respected her need to be discreet, even though she didn’t like Beth’s decision. Still, Rory didn’t have to act like Beth was a nun. Rory had been extremely respectful of Patty without denying her sexuality. It would’ve been easy to turn their relationship into a tawdry joke, yet she acknowledged that Patty was attractive and desirable without degrading her or their connection.

  The phone rang, startling Beth. She wasn’t sure who’d call this late, but she was certain it couldn’t be with good news.

  “Hello?”

  “You’re home,” Kelly said flatly. “I was starting to worry.”

  Beth flipped on her bedside light as if that would somehow illuminate the meaning behind Kelly’s words. “Kel, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. I’m not the one who was out until midnight.”

  “Did I miss something, Kelly? Was I supposed to stay home tonight?”

  “You didn’t mention that you had plans. You weren’t out in town anywhere that I saw. Nothing was going on at the college or the church, so when I called at nine o’clock I thought it was odd that you weren’t home. When I didn’t get an answer at ten thirty, I began to wonder where you where. At eleven thirty I started to worry.”

  “That’s really sweet of you, honey,” Beth said, though Kelly’s words didn’t sound sweet, and she could detect their underlying questions. “I went out with Chris and Tyler and some people after the softball game. I didn’t know we were going out until we decided to.”

  It wasn’t a total lie. She’d been with the guys and one other person, and she hadn’t known they were going to the country ahead of time. The fact that she’d also been with Rory and had made plans to be with her a week ago would only upset Kelly. They hadn’t run into anyone else, and there’d been no public scenes like last week, so she wasn’t likely to hear about it.

  Beth was eager to deflect the conversation away from herself and onto Kelly. “What did you want before you got worried?”

  “I missed you. I wanted to hear your voice. Maybe drop by for a while.”

  Kelly’s sincerity made Beth feel guilty for automatically assuming the worst. Maybe she wasn’t being accusatory, maybe she was honestly interested in what Beth was doing. Now Beth regretted her lies of omission. Kelly was her partner. Why didn’t she trust her to understand? She should’ve given her the benefit of the doubt and mentioned Rory earlier, but it was too late now without making Kelly suspicious. “I’d have liked that. I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”

  “It’s okay,” Kelly said. “I do want to see you, though. Will you be at Miles’s tomorrow?”

  “Sure, and I got a roast to make for us when you come over Tuesday night.”

  “My favorite.” Beth could hear the smile in her lover’s voice.

  “I know.” She’d made the offer as an apology for both the things Kelly knew about and those she didn’t.

  “I can’t wait,” Kelly said, then added, “I really have missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you too,” Beth said. It was the truth. She’d missed Kelly several times throughout the week, just not tonight.

  Chapter Nine

  September 1

  Raine nervously approached the dean’s secretary. “I have a three o’clock appointment with Dean Molina.”

  “You’re early. You can wait here until she is ready for you,” the woman said without looking up.

  “Thanks,” Raine mumbled, and sat down in the waiting area. She still wasn’t sure why she was here. When she had called about the dean’s note, she’d been told that the dean wanted to speak with her about some developments that had been brought to her attention. That didn’t sound good. Raine was in her third week of classes, and so far things had gone surprisingly well.

  She liked her students, and they had responded well to the course material, both in her GLBT history course and her queer theory class. She had only thirty students total, so she’d easily learned their names and why they were taking the classes. A few were gay, but most of them were young, liberal, and eager to learn about something new. She hadn’t noticed anyone that seemed problematic, and since both classes were electives, she didn’t need to worry that the subject matter would offend them.

  But this was Central Illinois. Perhaps someone had complained to the dean or even the board of trustees. What did the college expect when they hired a lesbian teacher to teach gay and lesbian subject matter? I can’t tone down the gayness in a gay class. Raine’s well-honed defensiveness took over. They should’ve thought about the conservative backlash before they hired me. She didn’t want to teach at Bramble in the first place, but now that she was here she wasn’t about to roll over for anyone.

  “Professor St. James, the dean will see you now.”

  Dean Flores Molina stood to shake her hand, then indicated the chair opposite her desk. “Professor St. James, good to see you. Sorry I haven’t kept in better touch, but the start of the semester is always busy around here.”

  “Quite all right, Dean. I imagine you have got a lot of people vying for your time.” Raine wished they would skip the pleasantries and get to the reason for this meeting.

  “Call me Flores, please, and my faculty and their students are my top priority. How’re you enjoying your classes?”

  “More than I expected to. This is my first time teaching, so I have a lot to learn, but I’m catching on quickly.” Raine watched the dean for signs of discomfort but couldn’t detect any.

  She wouldn’t have any trouble intimidating anyone. Her business suit was perfectly tailored and accentuated her tall stature even when she was sitting. Every detail, from her manicured fingernails to the way her long black hair was pulled back tightly, conveyed authority and control, but her smile seemed genuine.

  “What about your students?” Flores asked. “Do you find them prepared, engaged, and generally up to par?”

  Raine tried to decipher any possible subtexts but couldn’t think of a single student whom she considered subpar. “I have a good group of young intellectuals. Some are more interested in the subject matter than others, but I assure you I wouldn’t ask them to do anything I didn’t think they were capable of.”

  Flores raised an eyebrow questioningly. “That was a very PC answer. Are you sure everything’s okay?”

  “To my knowledge I’ve had no problems. If you’ve heard of any, I’d be happy to address them,” Raine said stiffly. She didn’t appreciate being toyed with. Whatever the problem, she was ready to face it.

  “Professor—”

  “Call me Raine, please.” She clung to her chosen name and the identity that she assumed with it.

  “Raine, from what I hear, you’re becoming one of our most popular professors. Your students love you and cannot stop talking about the things they’re learning in your classes. If I led you to believe this was an inquisition about your pedagogy, I’m sorry. I wanted to make sure you’re happy with your teaching assignments.”

  Raine relaxed slightly. “I am. Like I said, this is my first teaching job, and I’ve been surprised at how quickly I’ve come to love it. I enjoy every day in the classroom, but surely you didn’t call me in here to ask that.”

  Flores’s smile widened. “No, I wish I had the time to socialize because I’d love to hear more about your classes, but I need to ask you about something else.”

  “Okay.” Raine set her jaw and steeled herself for the unknown.

  “I’m aware that you and Patty Spezio have become friends, and I’m sure you know she’s been a valued member of our campus GLBT community—”

  Raine tried to contain her outrage. “I don’t see how my relationship with Patty has any bearing on my position here at Bramble.” She couldn’t believe the dean was questioning her personal life.

  “Ex
cuse me?” Flores seemed flummoxed.

  “We’re both consenting adults. Our sex lives should be out of the jurisdiction of college administration. Our relationship doesn’t affect our jobs in any way and...” Raine noticed that Flores was biting her bottom lip, seeming to fight back a smile. “What?”

  “Raine, I didn’t know that you and Patty were intimate.”

  “Oh.” Raine’s face blazed. “That’s not what you wanted to talk to me about?”

  “No.” Flores chuckled. “I received Patty’s letter of resignation last week. She’s accepted a position in St. Louis. Her new employer has been looking for a coordinator for months, and she’s the most qualified candidate they’ve seen in that time. They’d like her to start immediately, and she’s eager to give big-city life a try.”

  “I’m not responsible for her quitting. She’s not leaving because of me.”

  “Okay, Raine,” Flores said calmly. “You seem invested in believing you’re here to be disciplined. If you keep acting defensive, I’ll eventually wonder if I should worry. Why don’t you just relax and let me finish.”

  Raine nodded, too embarrassed to speak.

  “Since you and Patty have become friends and the students like you, I thought you might be interested in becoming the advisor for the GLBT Student Association.”

  “I’d love to,” Raine answered honestly. She welcomed the chance to spend more time with her students. She was also eager to redeem herself after the way she’d behaved during this meeting.

  “Good. The students loved Patty and we’ll all miss her, but this transition may work out well for everyone involved.” Flores sat forward. “That wasn’t nearly as terrible as you made it out to be, was it?”

  Raine finally laughed. “I guess I misread this situation pretty badly.”

  “Yes, you did.” Flores’s expression was compassionate. “It’s hard to learn the power dynamics in a new place, but it’s even harder when you go in expecting the worst.”