The Long Way Home

by Rachel Spangler

Beth had been a pest since Raine arrived in Darlington, like she was on some mission to prove Raine was welcome there. On some level Raine resented the intrusions into her life, but she’d also come to expect them, maybe even welcome Beth’s company. Why did she have to go and muck it all up by falling for her?

  Wait. She hadn’t fallen for Beth. She’d simply enjoyed having her around. She was a friend, and it wasn’t unusual for friendship to be misinterpreted as attraction, especially with a friend as beautiful as Beth. Everything about her was stunning, from her crystal blue eyes to her full hips and sexy curves. Yet if Raine was just lacking the physical, why didn’t she go home with the Twig in St. Louis? She wasn’t Beth, but she had her finer points too, and she came without all Beth’s closeted, coupled, small-town baggage. Why wasn’t she enough?

  Raine’s phone rang. It was the first call she’d received in a week, and she jumped up to answer it. She hadn’t even said hello before she heard a barrage of voices in the background. “Scott’s parents are coming to kidnap him,” someone said from the other end of the line.

  “What?” Raine tried to decode the message without any context.

  “They found out he’s gay and they’re coming to get him. They think college made him queer. You have to stop them.”

  “Who is this?”

  Another voice came on the line. “Raine, it’s Scott. There’s nothing you can do. I have to go with them. They’re paying for college.”

  “Scott,” Raine said slowly. The conversation began to make more sense as she recognized the voice of Scott Wainwright, one of her students and a member of the GLBT student group. “What happened?”

  “My mom was cleaning my room and she found a letter from a boy. She freaked out and told my dad.” The boy’s voice was steady but thick; he was obviously on the verge of tears. “They think I fell in with a bad crowd at college and that I’m confused. They’re making me come home.”

  Raine remembered how desperate and afraid she had felt when her parents found out about her. The emotions began to surge inside her, but she forced them down as she tried to logically consider her options. “When will they be here?”

  “Soon.”

  “Stay in your room. I’m coming over. Have one of the others go to the library and tell Ms. Devoroux what’s going on. Tell her to bring the PFLAG information.”

  “Raine, you can’t do anything—”

  “Maybe not, but we have to try.” She hung up and grabbed a picture off her nightstand. She knew Scott was feeling lost, scared, angry, and betrayed because she still felt that way too, only she wasn’t seventeen anymore.

  *

  Raine was in a stare-down with Scott’s father. Attempting to control her terror, she forced herself to notice the differences between him and her own father. He was shorter and his hair was light, though it was the same close-cut farmer’s style her dad favored. His eyes were filled with a fury that she imagined was mirrored in her own. Anger was the dominant emotion in these situations, or maybe it trumped all the others.

  Beth rounded the corner, a contingent of students clustered near her. Raine’s tension level dropped, if only slightly. Beth was striking, her beautiful features etched with resolve as she rushed into the room.

  “Beth Devoroux,” Raine said as calmly as she could muster, “these are Scott’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Wainwright.”

  Beth stepped in and closed the door behind her, leaving the students waiting in the hall. She extended her hand to Mr. Wainwright, but he only stared at her coldly.

  “I don’t know what this is about. We didn’t ask for a committee meeting. We’re here to pick up our son.”

  Beth dropped her hand to her side. “I understand. If we could have a moment of your time, for Scott’s sake?”

  “No,” Mrs. Wainwright said between sniffles. She was diminutive, her long dark hair streaked with gray and her dark eyes red-rimmed from crying. “You people can’t have any more time with Scotty.”

  “I understand you’re upset—”

  “You don’t understand any of this,” Mr. Wainwright shouted. “How could you know what it’s like to work every waking minute to provide for your kid, only to have him throw it all away? You don’t know how that feels, do you?”

  Beth stood still, as if frozen in fear, as she struggled to answer that question or respond to the anguish in this father’s clenched fists and trembling jaw. Instead she opened and shut her mouth mutely.

  “I didn’t think so.” He turned to open the door but stopped at the sound of crashing glass.

  They both turned to Raine, who had slammed a picture frame onto Scott’s desk. “I know what it feels like.” Raine didn’t know what had come over her. Maybe her memories of a night like this triggered her outrage. Or perhaps she saw her own fear reflected in Beth, which was even harder to watch in someone she cared about than to experience herself.

  Raine squared her shoulders. “I know what it feels like to live your life trying to be what someone wants you to be. I know what it means to sacrifice yourself for someone you love, only to have them turn on you.”

  They all stared at her, even Scott, who’d previously been sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. Raine fumbled to free a faded photograph from the broken glass casing. “I was seventeen when my parents did to me what you’re doing to Scott.”

  Mr. Wainwright refused to take the picture, but his wife stared at it, as did Beth, transfixed with the image of the young woman before them. It was Rory sitting on the side of a street, city traffic buzzing around her. She wore a pair of torn jeans and a denim jacket, her hands on her hips and her chin tilted upward in a show of defiance.

  “My parents told me I wasn’t gay. They told me I was confused and that they wouldn’t let me go down that road.”

  “What did you do?” Scott’s mother asked.

  “I yelled at them for hours. I cried until I couldn’t stand it anymore, and then I left.” Raine took a breath and released it slowly. It still hurt to relive that experience, but if she could stop it from happening to someone else, she had to try. “I didn’t see them again for ten years.”

  “Scott wouldn’t turn his back on his family.”

  “You’re turning your back on Scott,” Raine answered quickly. “You’re telling him that he’s not good enough for you, that you won’t love him for who he is.”

  “I love Scott more than my life,” Mrs. Wainwright said. “I want him to be safe and happy. I want him to get married and have babies.”

  “We want him to be a good man,” Mr. Wainwright added, “the man we raised him to be.”

  “An honest man? A brave man? A strong man?” Raine asked, but didn’t wait for an answer. “He’s all those things. It took honesty, courage, and a lot of strength for him to come out to you.”

  “He’s throwing his life away. It’s not easy for boys like that. I know what happens to them, what other men say and do to them.” Mr. Wainwright’s voice cracked. “He’s my boy. It’s my job to protect him.”

  “We have dreams for our son,” Mrs. Wainwright said, laying a hand on her husband’s shoulder. “We’re scared to lose them.”

  “You don’t have to let go of those dreams,” Raine said gently. “Scott’s smart and he’s got a bright future ahead of him. Don’t miss out on that. Don’t make him choose between your love and his own dreams, or you’ll lose him.”

  “Scott?” His father pleaded with his eyes.

  “It’s true, Dad.” Scott finally stood, shakily. “I can’t change who I am. If you make me leave here, I’ll find another way. I’ll do it on my own if I have to.”

  “I’m afraid, son. I don’t know how to help you down this road.” His father choked on his words, and Raine finally saw the fear he’d been hiding behind his anger.

  Beth stepped forward, handing each of Scott’s parents a PFLAG pamphlet. “A lot of people here can help Scott, and some people here can help you too. You can call this group, and you can call me anytime you have q
uestions or concerns.”

  “You can call me too. I promise that none of you are alone in this,” Raine said, still not able to relax completely even as she saw the anger drain from Mr. Wainwright’s expression.

  “I can’t wrap my head around everything at once,” Scott’s mother said.

  “You don’t have to.” Beth used a gentle tone with her. “You’re seeing your son in a new way after an entire lifetime of getting to know him. Scott’s had years to come to terms with who he is. You’re allowed to take some time too.”

  Raine was struck by that image, the thought of a mother and father having to go through their own coming-out process. For the first time, she wondered what it would feel like to be on the other side of that relationship. Leave it to Beth to turn her way of thinking around. Raine was learning that she liked her view of the world when she saw it through Beth’s eyes.

  “It’s okay to be scared,” Scott said. “Just don’t make me leave, okay?”

  Mr. Wainwright nodded slowly. “You can stay.”

  Raine swayed under the weight of what they’d accomplished. She was relieved for Scott, but a new confusion engulfed her. Raine saw echoes of her own past differently because she had seen Scott’s father’s fear. She was emotionally and physically exhausted, but her night was far from over.

  *

  They didn’t leave Scott and his parents until after dark. Beth waited while Rory stopped to assure the other students that everything was okay and that Scott would be staying at school. They were all in awe of Rory, and Beth could see why. Rory ran to their rescue and saved their friend. She’d been everything the legend of Raine St. James implied—strong, fierce, and defiant, but what had it cost her?

  Could they see the worry lines etching their hero’s face? Did they notice that she walked slowly, deliberately, like she had to summon her nearly depleted energy for every step she took? Her eyes had burned brightly as she stood toe-to-toe with Mr. Wainwright, but now they were empty and dark. Her skin paled without the flush of adrenaline. This was what people meant when they said someone looked dead on their feet. The spark had gone out of Rory, leaving only a shell of the earlier warrior.

  “Hey,” Beth said, her arm around Rory’s waist as they crossed the quad. “You must be exhausted. Why don’t you go get some rest?”

  “Did you notice how scared he was?” Rory asked.

  “Scott?”

  “No, his dad,” Rory replied with a shiver.

  It was a cool night, but certainly not cold. The chill came from somewhere deep inside Rory, and Beth pulled her closer, attempting to ease it. But she shouldn’t be around Rory, and she certainly shouldn’t touch her, not if she was trying to gain clarity about her life. When she was close to her, all Beth could focus on was how good she felt. “You talked him down, Rory. It’s fine. He’ll be okay and so will Scott.”

  Rory nodded. “They’re through the worst of it.”

  “You are too.”

  “Am I?” Rory laughed bitterly. “Or will I keep repeating nights like this until I get it right?”

  Beth searched her emerald green eyes for answers to a clearly rhetorical question. This wasn’t about Scott and his father, maybe had never been about them. “What do you need?”

  “I need to stop doing the same things I’ve always done and expecting different results.” Rory sighed. “It’s time for me to grow up and accept responsibility for my future.”

  Beth wasn’t sure what Rory meant, but Rory didn’t make statements like that easily. She slowly stepped back and studied Rory. The spark was returning, as was her color, but something was different about her eyes this time. Her motivation wasn’t anger or fear. It was purpose.

  Rory quickly kissed her cheek. “Thank you.”

  Beth stifled a gasp at the powerful surge of pleasure that shot through her. “For what?”

  “For last weekend, tonight, the future, for everything.” Then Rory turned around and jogged toward the parking lot.

  Beth raised her hand to the spot Rory’s lips had brushed so lightly. Her heart raced as everything she’d seen, heard, and felt over the last few hours—fear, relief, confusion, and now excitement—washed over her.

  Rory wasn’t the only one who’d been inspired. Beth’s own sense of purpose was growing inside her, and she needed to right a few wrongs of her own.

  Chapter Fifteen

  October 8

  Raine pulled into her parents’ driveway and took a deep breath before she got out of the car. She was taking a big chance. Either she’d misread a situation as a teenager or she was misinterpreting one now, and both possibilities held heavy consequences for her past and her future.

  She walked around the house to the back door, the door she’d used as a child. It was a small step, but to her it signified that she belonged here instead of being a guest in her parents’ home. As she started up the steps, the door opened and Davey came out. “What are you doing here?”

  “I need to talk to Mama and Daddy.”

  “You sure that’s a good idea?”

  “Nope,” Raine answered honestly, “but I’ve got to do it. Why don’t you come too, so I only have to do this once?”

  Davey hesitated only a second before he opened the door wide enough for her to enter, then called out, “Rory’s here.”

  Their parents met them in the dining room. Her mother began to wring her hands and headed for the kitchen. “Rory, you look like you haven’t slept in days. Let me fix you something to eat.”

  “No. Mama, I need to talk to you and Daddy. Davey too.” Rory motioned for them to have a seat at the table, and when they did, she joined them.

  “Is something wrong?” her father asked.

  “Yes, sir.” She nodded, but when she tried to elaborate, words failed her. She struggled to swallow the lump forming in her throat. She didn’t know how or where to start. Perhaps she could talk about Scott and his family, but that would be missing the point. She needed to stop avoiding the issue.

  However, years of self-preservation made it hard to admit her own fears and weaknesses. She couldn’t even make eye contact with her family, so she focused on the way the grain in the wood table curved and faded, creating a haphazard pattern.

  Finally, without meeting their eyes, she mumbled, “I’ve been thinking about everything we said to each other the night I left.”

  Her mother gasped. “You can’t go back to that. We all spoke in anger.”

  “Yes and no,” Raine said. “I was angry, and I think you were too, but mostly I was scared. I was afraid you didn’t love me anymore and afraid that I couldn’t make it on my own.”

  “We never stopped loving you, Rory,” her mother said quietly.

  “That would’ve been nice to hear ten years ago, or even two months ago when I got back to town.”

  “It’s not easy to say when you’ve had your heart broken.” Her father’s voice was thick with emotion.

  “I know it’s not, and I know I haven’t made it easy for you to talk to me, but I’m trying. It wasn’t easy to come over here, but I did. I’m trying to understand your side. I need to know if I’m in this alone.”

  “You’re not alone,” Davey said quickly.

  “Thanks, Davey.” Raine nodded and turned back to her parents. “Can’t you try to see where I’m coming from?”

  Her mother answered. “I’ve been trying for ten years, Rory.”

  “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I haven’t seen that. You had to know I was in Chicago. You could’ve found me.”

  Her father hung his head. “We didn’t know you wanted to be found. We thought you hated us. We made so many mistakes with you. Sometimes I think about how alone you must have felt. You went through everything on your own. How could you forgive us for that?”

  Rory was shocked. Instead of hating and being ashamed of her, were they ashamed of themselves for letting her down? “But even when I got back to town, you could’ve talked to me. I was right here and you didn’t say an
ything. You didn’t ask me about my life, or if I was dating, or even if I was okay. You acted like I didn’t matter.”

  “The last time we talked to you about those things, you left.” Her mother began to cry. “We were so relieved that you were safe, and nearby, and speaking to us again that nothing else mattered. We didn’t want to make the same mistake again, Rory. We didn’t want to lose you a second time.”

  Tears streaked down her mother’s face. As a teenager Raine couldn’t imagine her parents being afraid of anything, certainly not her. Even a few weeks ago she would’ve laughed at the thought. Now Beth’s accusations about turning her back on the people who knew her and loved her anyway hit home.

  She had hidden her real feelings, her real self, and in turn she hadn’t been able to see her parents for who they were. Now after opening up about her own pain, she could clearly see her mother’s fear and anguish, mixed with deep regret.

  “I’m here now, and I promise I won’t storm out again, but I need you to open up too. No more forty-five-minute conversations about the weather.”

  The corners of her father’s mouth turned up slightly. “You’ll to have to be patient with us, Rory.”

  She nodded. “I know. Patience is something I need to work on, but I want to get to know you all again.”

  “And we want to get to know you too, the real you, Rory,” Davey said.

  The real Rory? Did she even exist anymore? Or maybe she’d never stopped existing. She’d just been waiting for a chance to emerge. She thought of Beth’s comments about preferring Rory to Raine. Raine had run to Chicago and made a name for herself. Raine had cultivated anger and disillusionment into a full-time job. Raine had built a life behind an impenetrable façade of brash individuality. In other words, Raine had gotten her into this mess. She was beginning to see why more than a few people were tired of Raine and ready to see more of Rory. Perhaps she was becoming one of them.

  *

  Beth knocked firmly on Kelly’s door and didn’t even flinch when Kelly opened it and quickly looked past her to make sure none of her neighbors were watching. The motion reaffirmed Beth’s reasons for being there. They hadn’t seen each other in weeks, and Kelly was more concerned about what other people would think than why Beth stood there unannounced. Wordlessly, Kelly let Beth inside, then shut the door behind her. “Is something wrong?”