Blink and You Die

by Lauren Child

  ‘Well, that doesn’t sound quite polite,’ said the housekeeper.

  ‘I mean you look different.’ Ruby stared hard at her. ‘Tanned!’ she said, finally figuring out what had changed.

  ‘Well, since you ask, I’ve been cruising.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’ve been cruising around the Caribbean.’

  Ruby looked stunned.

  ‘On a boat.’

  ‘I know what a cruise is,’ said Ruby. ‘I’m just interested to understand how you got to be on one.’

  ‘I won it fair and square.’

  ‘Won what?’

  ‘A cruise.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘In a competition. I won it and took Cousin Emily along with me.’

  ‘What competition?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘Well, that’s the curious thing,’ said Mrs Digby. ‘I don’t exactly remember entering one, but I suppose I must have, and you know what they say …’

  ‘What?’ said Ruby.

  Mrs Digby looked at her conspiratorially and said, ‘Don’t ask too many questions or they’ll find you out.’

  Ruby rolled her eyes. ‘You mean they might have made a giant mistake and given you a prize you didn’t actually win?’

  ‘I’m not saying it’s not impossible,’ said Mrs Digby.

  Mrs Digby’s view on keeping one’s mouth shut was similar to Spectrum’s number one rule: KEEP IT ZIPPED. Ruby herself had a little book of rules, 80 of them to be accurate – it was a magenta book with the word ‘Rules’ printed on it in red. While the housekeeper busied herself collecting the rest of the dirty crockery, Ruby was left to her thoughts and she was surprised that one of her thoughts was, I wish my folks were home. Ruby was an independent kid; she didn’t need people around her all the time for comfort or security. She had what Mrs Digby called inner reserves, by which she meant a strong sense of who she was, but for some reason today sitting up there on that stepladder, Ruby just felt a strong need to see her mom and dad. The house felt not so much quiet without them, as actually: empty.

  ‘By the way,’ said Mrs Digby, ‘I hate to be the one to tell you, but that Archie Lemon busted into your room and ate some of your books.’

  ‘What? You’re kidding?’ said Ruby.

  ‘Before you get all animated about it, I should just say, it wasn’t while I was watching him.’

  ‘So who was?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘That would be his mother, Elaine. She was over visiting your mom and neither of them realised he had made a crawl for it – up all those stairs too.’

  ‘How did he manage that?’

  ‘They’re over-feeding him is my guess,’ said Mrs Digby. ‘Who would believe such a tiny person could cause such havoc, but don’t worry, I cleaned it all up, wiped the dribble off your books and put ’em all back.’

  ‘Gross,’ said Ruby.

  ‘I’m not disagreeing with you.’ The housekeeper turned to leave. ‘Glad to have you back child.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Ruby. ‘I’ve missed you a bunch, you know that.’

  Ruby returned to her musings.

  As Ruby ran through all the various things that had happened since March, some nine months ago now, she began to see how time was running out and maybe not just for Spectrum – perhaps for her too.

  She was beginning to tune into something that was driven neither by fact nor logic, it was more of a Clancy Crew hunch type of a thing. Just a feeling that whatever trouble was out there, it was now headed her way and about to come knocking at her door.

  AT 3 PM RUBY HEARD A SCRATCHING at the door.

  ‘Bug, is that you?’

  She was answered by one short bark.

  ‘OK, I’ll see you by the back door.’

  She pulled on her boots, coat and hat, wound a scarf around her neck, and climbed out of the window.

  Bug was waiting patiently outside for her, and together they set off down Cedarwood Drive, turned right on Amster and continued on as far as the Donut Diner. She left the husky by the coat rack and he settled down for a nap.

  It was medium busy, not too crowded, but as usual there were plenty of customers. Marla, the owner, waved to Ruby as she walked through the door.

  Ruby took up a seat at the counter where Clancy was already waiting: in front of him, two mugs of ginger tea and a couple of apple donuts.

  Ruby unzipped her coat, to reveal a T-shirt which read: happy to be here

  ‘What’s with the tea?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘My sister Amy has a cold, my sister Lulu has a cold, my sister Nancy has a cold, my sister Minny has a cold, my dad has a cold.’

  ‘Jeepers,’ said Ruby, ‘sounds bad.’

  ‘Drusilla says due to the high levels of antioxidants in ginger, ginger tea can strengthen your immunity, warding off infection, and I’m trying to remain uninfected,’ said Clancy.

  ‘But why do I have to drink ginger tea?’ asked Ruby. ‘It’s you Crews who are the ones harbouring the plague.’

  ‘Who knows who it will strike next; you go down sick, there’s more of a chance I go down sick, and I don’t want to go down sick. Christmas is my favourite time of year.’

  Ruby sipped her ginger tea. When Clancy was in this frame of mind it was easier to fall in behind than argue it through.

  ‘By the way, long time no hear,’ said Clancy.

  ‘I wrote you: you didn’t get my postcards?’

  ‘I got ’em,’ said Clancy. He thought for a moment. ‘How come you typed them?’

  ‘I didn’t want anyone to recognise my handwriting,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Is that why you signed them Aunt Mabel?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘I was trying to keep incognito.’

  ‘Well, it brought up a few questions with my mom, I can tell you that.’

  ‘What was she doing reading your postcards?’ said Ruby.

  ‘People read other people’s postcards,’ said Clancy. ‘They’re postcards, no envelopes, the mailman can read them if he chooses to, I mean if he happens to be particularly bored.’

  ‘So,’ said Ruby, ‘what did she want to know?’

  ‘Why this Aunt Mabel, who she didn’t know even existed, was recommending thermal socks. I mean if you were planning on using a code then why didn’t you use the regular one?’

  ‘Because if I had written a postcard in gobbledegook then that would have looked really suspicious. This way it looks like I am writing to you about normal stuff.’

  ‘Since when is it normal for an aunt who doesn’t even exist to write me about thermal socks?’

  ‘OK, you have a point, I went too much into character, but can we get back to the point?’

  ‘Which is?’

  ‘I did keep in touch.’

  ‘But you didn’t tell me anything, not really, only that something had happened and it was hard to explain in writing.’

  ‘Well, it was.’

  ‘In that case, why didn’t you call?’

  ‘It wasn’t so easy,’ said Ruby, biting into one of the donuts. ‘They had this whole lockdown thing going.’

  ‘Since when was Genius Camp so high-security?’

  ‘It was more like boot camp, if you really wanna know – anyone caught out of their study area or generally not complying with mathletics rules was threatened with disqualification.’

  ‘Seriously?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘You bet seriously,’ said Ruby. ‘I mean, you had to ask to use the payphone – you know it actually had a padlock on it.’

  ‘When did you ever take notice of petty rules? Or locks for that matter … Plus I thought you would have wanted to be disqualified and get sent home early.’

  ‘I thought about it, believe me, but then you know I felt bad for my mom and dad. For some reason having a daughter who is a major dork brainiac means something to them.’

  ‘That was your reason for staying?’ said Clancy. ‘Since when do you care so much about your parents’ dreams of a “show and tell daughter”? Forgive me, but I just don�
�t buy that.’

  ‘OK, so not just that. I had my reasons for sticking around, and one of them was the Pink Pixie. I swear I woulda walked had it not been for that box of crackers.’

  ‘You mean Dakota Lyme?’

  ‘Yeah, her,’ said Ruby. ‘Boy, she was so crazy for winning, her eyes almost popped out of her face – you remember how she tried to injure that kid, Ward Partial?’

  ‘Yeah, I read about that,’ said Clancy. ‘Don’t tell me she did it again.’

  Ruby nodded her head. ‘Only worse this time. That poor Partial kid was at breaking point. You know, for a dweeb he’s actually kinda OK, plus he’s only eleven. He can’t handle the pressure.’

  Clancy nodded. ‘So what happened?’

  ‘I’ll tell you some other time, but suffice to say, I stuck it out.’

  ‘You know what?’ said Clancy.

  ‘What?’ said Ruby.

  ‘You’re all heart.’

  Ruby took a big slug of her drink. ‘Well, I couldn’t abandon him, could I? Let her go ahead and make mincemeat of him while I swanned off back to Twinford. You know what, this ginger tea’s not bad.’

  ‘What is bad is the hogwash you’re spouting,’ said Clancy. ‘Would you quit feeding me this garbage and actually tell me why you left town?’

  Clancy had a way of sniffing out the baloney, and he knew there was more to Ruby’s little math vacation than the tale she had been telling him. Since when was it necessary for her, the brightest kid in Twinford Junior High, to go away for a four-week intensive math and science camp?

  Ruby looked him dead in the eye, plucked a serviette from the dispenser and carefully wiped her hands.

  ‘You promise not to get all flappy?’

  ‘Why would I get flappy?’ replied Clancy.

  ‘OK,’ she said, ‘if you want to know so bad, I’ll tell you.’

  Clancy waited.

  ‘It was all down to Hitch. It was him who was keen I should go, it was him who came up with the idea and wanted me to hunker down at geek camp,’ said Ruby.

  Clancy looked confused. ‘Hitch is interested in your mathematical development?’

  ‘Hitch is interested in me continuing to breathe,’ said Ruby, ‘and I’m kinda interested in the same thing. The geek camp was just a way of getting me away and out of Twinford while he assessed the situation and made things secure back home.’

  ‘Assessed what situation?’

  ‘The situation regarding who might want me dead.’

  Clancy let go of his donut and it splashed into his tea.

  ‘Clance, are you OK?’

  ‘Hitch thinks you’re on some kinda hit list?’ said Clancy, his voice unsteady.

  ‘Well, maybe …’ she said.

  ‘That’s why you were in the middle of nowhere for four whole weeks.?’ He paused. ‘But are you sure it’s safe for you to be home?’

  ‘Safe as it’s ever possible to be,’ said Ruby. ‘So long as I stay inside the house for the rest of my life everything should be fine.’

  ‘It’s not funny Rube.’

  ‘I know,’ said Ruby. ‘I’m not really laughing, you know that, don’t you?’

  ‘So is it the Count?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Well, a month ago I would have said yes,’ said Ruby. ‘But the last thing he told me down in that crypt was that he had decided not to kill me.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Apparently he changed his mind.’

  ‘He actually said that?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘He said it was in his best interests for me to keep on breathing.’

  ‘Well, that’s kind of worrying, don’t you think?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Why?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘Because it sounds like there might be some other crazed killer out there.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I think there is,’ agreed Ruby.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ said Clancy.

  ‘I’m telling you now,’ said Ruby.

  ‘So?’

  ‘So what?’ said Ruby.

  ‘So the other thing you’re not telling me.’

  ‘What thing?’ said Ruby.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Clancy. ‘That’s why I’m asking.’

  ‘OK …’ she said, ‘but don’t get all worked up … you gotta …’

  ‘I knew it!’ he said. ‘Something happened, didn’t it? It was just after I got outta hospital, after the Halloween pageant, the day before you went off to camp, am I right, am I, am I right?’ Now he was beginning to flap.

  ‘Clance, you promised you wouldn’t flap.’

  Clancy ignored her and continued flapping.

  ‘Look Clance, the thing is …’

  But he wasn’t finished. ‘Something spooked you, really spooked you.’ He was getting all dramatic now, Ruby hated when he got all dramatic – at least, hated when he got dramatic about things that were actually already dramatic.

  ‘Then you suddenly took off without a word. I knew there had to be a bigger reason than hanging out with nerds at some crummy nerd camp and I knew there had to be a bigger reason than just the usual Count encounter.’

  ‘Just the usual Count encounter …?’ spluttered Ruby. ‘The usual—’

  ‘So what was it that spooked you just after Halloween?’ interrupted Clancy.

  ‘Well, it wasn’t any kids dressed up as ghouls, I can promise you that,’ said Ruby.

  ‘That I figured,’ said Clancy. ‘But why didn’t you tell me what happened, you know, after … that night in the crypt –’ his voice was a little shaky now – ‘with the undead and … and, you know –’ he paused, before whispering – ‘the psychopath.’

  ‘Just a regular Tuesday night in Twinford.’

  But Clancy was in no mood for making light. He was just looking at her, waiting for her to spill the beans.

  She breathed in a long slow breath, exhaled and stared back at him.

  ‘Well, I was going to tell you, of course I was, but I needed time to think.’

  ‘About what?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Everything,’ she replied. ‘It’s a big deal what I know, and I haven’t told a soul.’

  ‘No one? But you musta told Hitch?’

  Ruby shook her head.

  ‘Blacker?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘No one,’ said Ruby.

  ‘So,’ said Clancy, ‘what is it?’

  ‘Not here,’ said Ruby, looking around. ‘Let’s move to that booth in the corner. I don’t want to risk being overheard – you know, walls have ears and all that.’

  They slid off their stools and took their drinks over to the other side of the diner where the lighting was dimmer and the customers fewer.

  ‘So,’ said Ruby, ‘ever heard the phrase “a bad apple”?’

  CLANCY DID NOT HAVE TIME to answer Ruby’s question, nor to wonder what apples had to do with anything, because they were interrupted.

  ‘Hey! Ruby!’

  The voice came from across the busy diner and belonged to Elliot Finch.

  ‘You’re back,’ he called.

  Ruby peered at her reflection in the chrome serviette dispenser. She nodded. ‘It would seem so.’

  Elliot tapped his head and said, ‘I saw Bug lying by the diner door and I thought to myself, Ruby must be in here somewhere.’

  ‘Quite the little Sherlock Holmes,’ said Ruby.

  Elliot slid into the seat next to Clancy. ‘So how’s the fruit baby?’

  ‘What?’ said Ruby.

  ‘He’s talking about the Lemon,’ explained Clancy.

  The Lemon was Archie Lemon, one-year-old son of the Redforts’ neighbours Niles and Elaine Lemon, and a baby very lucky to be alive. Had it not been for Ruby’s decision to use him as a prop in the Halloween parade, Archie Lemon would have been asleep in his bedroom and the Twinford Tornado would have taken him with it when it whirled into the Lemons’ home, destroying Archie’s room. However, Archie had survived and his parents could not thank Ruby enough. In fact, it was getting to be a problem.
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  ‘It must be cool,’ said Elliot.

  ‘It’s not,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Being a hero’s not cool?’ said Elliot.

  ‘I’m not a hero,’ said Ruby.

  ‘You saved that kid’s life,’ said Elliot.

  ‘I borrowed that baby because I needed him to play the part of Baby Grim in the pageant. I needed him because I wanted us to win. If we had won, we would have got prize money. That’s not heroic, it’s self-serving.’

  ‘But you saved his life,’ insisted Elliot.

  ‘Luck,’ said Ruby. ‘Coulda been the other way around, coulda been the tornado hit the pageant and it would all have been my fault and they woulda hated me for all eternity.’

  ‘Life is fickle,’ said Clancy.

  ‘People are fickle,’ corrected Ruby.

  ‘Still, it must be great, his parents thinking you’re a hero, even if you’re not … technically, I mean.’

  ‘It’s a pain in the butt,’ said Ruby. ‘Elaine calls round all the time asking me how I am.’ She sighed. ‘And she keeps giving me stuff.’

  ‘She’s giving you stuff?’ Elliot’s eyes grew big. ‘Like gifts and things?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Oh boy,’ said Elliot, ‘I would love that.’

  ‘Would you?’ said Ruby. ‘Really? Cos I got a whole bunch of super ugly sweaters you can have: pink ones, purple ones, kitten ones …’

  ‘That’s what she’s giving you? Sweaters? Why sweaters?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Her sister owns an “ugly knitwear” business,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Too bad,’ said Elliot.

  ‘Look, the point is not what she’s giving me, but that I don’t want her to give me anything.’

  The bell over the diner door jangled and in walked Mouse Huxtable.

  ‘You’re back!’ she mouthed.

  Ruby nodded. ‘So everyone keeps telling me.’

  ‘Well, you’ve been missed, that’s for sure,’ said Mouse. ‘Mrs Drisco’s been real grouchy.’

  ‘Why’s that?’ said Ruby. ‘I would have thought she would be happy to see the back of me.’

  ‘I think she misses the banter,’ said Mouse.

  ‘So what’s school been like since I left town?’ Ruby yawned.