The Nostalgia Effect

by EJ Valson

  Their standoffishness is simply a cultural custom and not a sign of a lack of interest. Later in our marriage, friends and family, will often comment about how affectionate, warm and outgoing Michael has become. They never knew that he's always had this side to him-it's ultimately why I fell in love with him. And, as the years went by, he concealed his emotions less and less. He integrated perfectly into my very loving family, and expanded it.

  From what I remember about our future life, he wholeheartedly embraced fatherhood. He didn't care what people thought of him when he laughed too hard at Stella's silly faces or cute baby noises. He was always quick to change a diaper, give her a bath or push her stroller. And I'm certain that I ended up falling more in love with him because of it.

  Everyone else may not see those qualities in him in this time, but I'm grateful that I took the chance to get to know him, and was once lucky enough to be the recipient of his loving nature.

  "So, I wanted to talk to you about something," Stacy says, after finishing her sandwich at the local eatery we frequently have lunch at.

  "Oh yeah?" I respond curiously.

  She gets a smirk on her face, takes a drink of iced tea and sits up straight. "I was talking to Steve. He's very impressed with you lately and thinks you might be a good addition to our department," she says, grinning.

  I'm elated and have to stop myself from shouting with delight. "Really?" I say, trying not to giggle nervously.

  She nods. "So, what does that mean?" I ask. "What would I do?"

  "Well, it's not public yet, but I'm being promoted to a director position. This means my spot is open and we need someone to do customer service, quotes, product demo's and so forth," she explains. YES, YES, YES!

  "Do I need to apply, or something?" I ask, trying not to sound overly eager.

  She shakes her head. "The job is yours if you want it," she says. "Steve has already talked to Ruth, and after much convincing she agreed to let you transfer."

  I'm floored, but in a very good way. I am starting to get more of my future life back. And now I'll be even closer to Michael on a daily basis.

  I reach my hand out to shake hers. "It's a deal!" I say. She laughs as she jokingly shakes my hand. I feel victorious.

  CHAPTER 43

  It happens to be Valentine's Day when I'm officially inducted into the Marketing department. I have just finished displaying picture frames of Olivia on the shelf above my computer, when a flower delivery person appears in my doorway.

  "Can I help you?" I ask.

  She turns the vase of red roses around and looks at the delivery card. "I'm looking for Jennifer Harris," she says. I'm caught a little off guard, but quickly realize that they're probably from Joe.

  I take the flowers and thank her. She wishes me a happy Valentine's Day and leaves my office. It's been years since I've received a flower delivery. Though it's always a nice gesture, I find it's also a little embarrassing when everyone else takes notice.

  I take out the card from its tiny envelope. "Happy Valentine's Day. Love you. Love, Joe," it reads.

  I place the vase down on the corner of my desk and sit back down in my chair. I now feel a pang of guilt for purposefully being distant from Joe since Michael's arrival.

  Luckily Joe hasn't brought my behavior up. Instead, he's been careful with me since the fainting episode. I guess he assumes that I'm still not "one hundred percent." If he only knew. ?

  I feel like I owe him an explanation, but what would I say? "Sorry Joe, but my future husband has just arrived and I need to take Olivia and be with him now." I don't think so. Not to mention that Michael is entirely unaware of a future that only I can recall, so leaving wouldn't do me any good.

  And as far as Michael and I go, we occasionally engage in small talk, but our contact is still very limited. It's not as if I can actually talk to him about Stella or reminisce about the times we've had together. ?At this point, I'm just a girl that behaved oddly before passing out on his first day working here.

  "Nice flowers," a familiar male voice says from the hallway. I look up and see Michael standing outside my office door. My stomach instantly begins to flutter. He's supposed to have the day off, so I wasn't expecting to see him-THIS is a real Valentine's Day gift.

  "Thanks. They're from Joe," I respond, slightly uncomfortable by this admission.

  "What for?" he inquires.

  I'm surprised by the question. "Well...for Valentine's Day," I reply, almost annoyed. I quickly realize my reaction is a trait from our relationship. I tended to get irritated with Michael for not knowing what I thought were obvious things.

  "Oh yeah. I forgot the US likes to celebrate all kinds of holidays," he says, poking fun.

  I roll my eyes at his sarcasm. "It's a good excuse for someone to get flowers," I say, a little playfully. He shakes his head and laughs it off.

  "Why are you here?" I ask him, changing the subject. "I thought you had the day off?"

  "Just need to get my check so we can go to Portland to buy a car," he answers.

  Instantly my heart jumps and my stomach drops. The warm tingling sensation flows quickly through my body. I know this story. This has happened before!

  I sit quietly for a minute while memories play out in my mind. Michael and Bjorn will go buy the car, only to barely make it out of the city when the car starts acting up. Because they aren't familiar with their surroundings, they won't know how to find their way back to the private seller they bought it from. Within a week, the car will have turned out to be a lemon. They will sell if for $50 at a scrap metal junkyard and be out $1000.

  "Are you OK?" Michael asks, interrupting my train of thought.

  "Um...you sure that's a good idea?" I ask him, trying to sound normal.

  He looks at me strangely. "Well, we have to get to work somehow," he says, half joking.

  "I can pick you up and take you home," I quickly offer.

  He takes a minute to ponder my suggestion. "I couldn't ask you to do that," he politely declines. "You have a family and I don't want you to have to worry about taking us to work every day."

  "Well, eventually I will anyway," I say without hesitation.

  Oh my God, I remember that now too! I become their main form of transportation after the fiasco with the car. In fact, this is one of the things that actually helps us bond!

  I quickly determine that offering him transportation is a good idea, as it will expedite us getting to know each other?again. From what I remember, the first time around it took a couple of months until I warmed up to him. And by the time we were closer, we had only a very short period of time together before he had to leave to go back to Sweden. If things play out the same, he's going to leave again. And if I don't hurry up and befriend him, he'll leave without caring that he's left me behind.

  I'm now feeling more of an urgency at getting him to fall in love with me. If we can get more time together, then maybe a spark will ignite, or magic will happen, and we'll undo whatever spell that's brought me here to this warped past.

  Unfortunately, Michael is completely unaware of what I'm mentally contemplating, and is looking at me strangely now. I realize I need to cover for what must seem to him like some very odd behavior on my part.

  "Look, I know how these things go," I casually say. "You'll buy a cheap car, it will be more hassle than it's worth and you'll wish you had saved the money. How about we try it for a couple of weeks and if you find you really need a car, then no hard feelings," I suggest. I'm hoping he'll be convinced this is the best solution.

  He shrugs. "Let me talk to Bjorn and get back to you," he says.

  I smile, feeling like I deserve a pat on the back for my quick planning. "Sounds good," I reply lightheartedly.

  Michael thanks me for the offer, teasingly wishes me a Happy Valentine's Day, and then leaves. Regardless, I'm smiling as I turn back to my computer screen, until the startling sound of my cell phone vibrating against my desk makes me jump. Irritated by the interruption, I quick
ly snatch it up. When seeing Astrid's number on the caller ID, I hustle to close my office door.

  "Hi, Astrid," I say in a hushed voice. "What's up?"

  "What are you doing?" she slightly accuses.

  "What do you mean?" I ask, thoroughly confused.

  "Honey, I'm not sure what's happening. I'm sitting here meditating and focusing on you, and all of a sudden I see a flash and what I was seeing in my mind, just disappears. Something just changed and I don't know why, but my guess is that you have something to do with it," she explains.

  "I'll be right over," I tell her before hanging up.

  What did I do?

  CHAPTER 44

  The curse and the blessing about Astrid is that she's a psychic. She can see so much of the future, but then she also knows when I have done something in the present that maybe I shouldn't have-something that could change the future.

  When I get to her house, she explains what she'd been seeing in her mind. She says when she has her visions it's almost as if they're being drawn in front of her. During her vision of me, something happened and the sketch suddenly stopped. No matter how hard she tried to get the vision back, it wouldn't start again.

  I tell her about my conversation with Michael. I explain that I didn't want him to buy the car because I remembered what happened the first time around. I wanted him to avoid the hassle. She tells me this action may be interrupting what's supposed to naturally occur. By interfering and changing the course of events I could risk changing fate. This idea scares me. If this is true, then one small action could possibly change the entirety of this situation-thus changing the outcome of my life.

  Because we still can't review my session recordings, we have no way of knowing how to get back on course if we are too far off of it, or if it matters at all. This leaves me very perplexed on how to behave. Should I call Michael and rescind my offer? Should I just go along with how I left things? Will I get another opportunity to get back on a natural course if I do?

  My memories only come in spurts, and usually happen when something triggers them. When they do it's just like a deja vu, I can see it all too clearly. I can feel it too. In the span of seconds, a wash of warmth comes over me, accompanied by a bit of dizziness, and something that feels like a "zap" in my brain, followed by a sense of euphoria. It's almost like my body is settling back into itself when this happens.

  I tell Astrid about this, and she immediately writes it down. She's been keeping a log of what she envisions, current experiences that I have with Michael and any other details that might help John on his quest in Mexico.

  I feel like we are grasping for anything tangible-but there's nothing to grasp. We can't find any patterns, similarities or anything else that makes any sense. Such is my life.

  CHAPTER 45

  It is 6:00 a.m. on Saturday when I'm woken by a text message from Astrid. Luckily it doesn't wake Joe, who is sound asleep. The house is still dark and grey from the seemingly endless winter.

  I hurry out of bed delicately, so as not to disturb Joe, before rushing to the kitchen to call her. I'm still groggy from a fitful night's sleep when dialing her number, which makes the task harder.

  "Astrid? Is everything alright?" I urgently whisper.

  "I just heard from John," she replies, her voice full of excitement. "He's heading to a village near Guatemala. Apparently there is a man in the area that had a very similar experience to yours decades ago."

  I'm suddenly more alert. "So what does that mean?" I ask, trying hard to keep my voice low.

  "Well, it's encouraging," she replies. "But it will take him a bit of time to get there and he will be even more out of touch than he is now, as it is a very remote area. He said it could be weeks in between phone calls because traveling back and forth to the nearest phone will take an entire day."

  My heart falls. I'm saddened by the fact that time is running out. But there's nothing more I can do, other than simply wait-just as I have been all this time.

  "Thank you, Astrid," I say solemnly before hanging up.

  I start the coffee maker, walk over the couch and slump down on it. I'm becoming fearful, as my future clock time feels like it's running out. Events aren't happening the way I recall them happening before. Michael has also decided to buy the car after all, meaning that I won't get as much time with him. But maybe that's a good thing-for the sake of fate.

  I'm pushed even further into my dejection because I'm not making much headway with Michael "romantically," or otherwise. I know that even if he's attracted to me, which I am still unsure about, he would never pursue someone in a committed relationship. He is not that kind of guy. And in his mind, I shouldn't be seeking that because I'm married.

  I feel trapped in my own skin and trapped in this time. The nightmare that originally began months ago is worse than before. The love of my life is physically close enough to touch, but emotionally farther away than ever.

  Watching him move about his life unaware of what I believe to be true, is torture. I am so certain that we once had a life together and that we still belong together. And he's completely oblivious as to what I recall every time I look at him. I'm constantly reminded of what I may never have again.

  CHAPTER 46

  I'm anxiously waiting to board a Los Angeles-bound flight to attend our largest tradeshow of the year. This will also be the first time I've been away from Olivia and Joe since arriving here, and excitement and nerves intertwine in my gut.

  Stacy and I are heading to L.A. ahead of the others for booth prep. Steve, Michael, Bjorn and two others will be flying in later that evening. From what I remember, it has been a while since I've been at this show. I'm nervous about how to behave around people I don't know as well now in this present time as I believe I will later on in my "real" life.

  The flight is only three hours long, and goes by quickly. When we land, I find that I apparently know my way through LAX extremely well, and this also surprises Stacy, who believes it's the first time I've been here. "Just reading the signs," I reply, when she asks how I figured out how to get to baggage claim so quickly. Within forty minutes we're on the shuttle and making our way to the hotel.

  As I step out of the van and approach the lobby, I'm hit with the deja vu sensation again. I know this place all too well. The sports bar off to the right-I'm having quick visions of good times there. To my left is the reception desk. I spot a grand piano displayed in the middle of the lobby, surrounded by overstuffed couches and chairs. I get a ping of excitement, as I recollect seeing someone famous play the piano there-though I can't recall exactly who it was and I believe Michael was with me. The surge of familiarity rejuvenates me, and I feel encouraged-as if I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

  After an easy check-in process, Stacy and I make out way to our double room and plop down on our beds. "I love this weather," she says. It's a pleasant seventy five degrees and sunny outside here, which is a nice contrast to the Oregon rain.

  I get up and take a look out the window, which overlooks the pool area five stories down. My mind instantly flashes to a memory of Michael laughing in the middle of a group of people. He's always been a great networker in professional settings. Even though he can be hard to read at first, he does like to socialize. The thought of being here with him all week excites me. Even if we're in separate rooms and currently living separate lives, we'll at least be closer for a little while.

  Stacy and I spend the next three hours setting up the large, island-style booth. She repeatedly comments on my ability to set up like a pro. Little does she know I've probably done this fifty times already, so it's actually "old hat" for me. After we finish setting up, we hit the gym, shower and get ready to go to the lobby bar and wait for everyone else to arrive.

  While we sip our drinks, random people from the industry stop by to say hello to Stacy and meet me, the "new" girl. As familiar people approach, I get waves of information in my head that tell me how I know them, their names and what they do. It's an od
d sensation?like someone is telling me random facts through an earpiece, so that I can keep playing the game "which life is it today."

  Now that I'm halfway through my martini, a relaxed feeling is starting to flow through my mind and body. Stacy is chatting it up with a guy who I don't really care to talk to, as I happen to recall that he's an ass, so I sit back and scan the bar.

  In the midst of my people watching, I do a double take when noticing the rest of our crew enter the lobby just outside of the bar entrance. Steve is leading the way towards the reception desk. Michael is the last to enter, trailing behind. I mentally admire the long-sleeve pale yellow dress shirt and jeans he's wearing. Suddenly, I get a vivid glimpse of us on a dance floor and I'm holding his hand-maybe for the first time. He is wearing the same yellow shirt.

  The flashback fades and I continue to stare. He's oblivious to the fact that I'm fondly watching him, as he waits to check-in. He is also oblivious to the fact that I'm deeply in love with him.