by Sabina Khan
“Okay. Love you and come back soon.” Ariana blew me a kiss, but I wished it was the real thing.
“Love you too. I’m coming back in three more days, I promise.”
I disconnected the call and quickly found Rachel’s username in my chat history. It only took two rings before Rachel’s face filled the screen.
“Hey! Where have you been?” Rachel’s face was puffy from crying and I felt awful for her.
“I’m sorry I haven’t called sooner. It’s been really hectic here.”
“That’s okay,” Rachel said and she looked so heartbroken I just wanted to reach out and hug my friend very tightly.
“Hey, Ariana just told me about Cody. I’m so sorry.”
“It was bound to happen,” she said. “Cody’s always been a player. I should’ve known better.”
“Hi, Rukhsana.” Jen’s face popped up on the screen and I squealed.
“You guys, I miss you so much.”
“When are you coming back?” Jen said.
“I wish I could come back right now. I feel like I’m missing everything.”
“You are. We’re plotting to get back at Cody for being such a douche canoe,” Jen said, her eyes narrowed.
“Good. He doesn’t deserve you anyway, Rachel.” I’d never liked Cody.
“Rachel here has decided to be all mature about it,” Jen said with a grimace. “She won’t let me do anything.”
“Well, he’s probably not worth the trouble anyway, right, Rachel?”
Rachel nodded, her eyes welling up. “So, when are you getting back?”
“Three more days,” I replied. “We’ll all go to the Spring Fling together. I’m so excited.”
Jen put her arm around Rachel’s shoulder. “And we’ll have a girls’ night as soon as you’re back. You, Ariana, Rachel, and me. With mani-pedis and movies. And ice cream and popcorn. And pizza. With pineapple!”
This elicited a smile from Rachel. We usually just squashed her weird pizza topping requests.
“Yes! And it’s your turn to choose the movie this time, Rachel, okay?” I added.
“Anything but Princess Diaries again,” Jen chimed in. “I love Julie Andrews as much as the next person, but we’ve already watched it a dozen times. Can’t we at least change it up with some Sound of Music and Mary Poppins every now and then?”
Rachel gave a watery smile. “I guess you’ll have to wait and see!”
We ended the call after a few more minutes and I sat staring at the computer screen for a moment, thinking how weird it felt being here and there at the same time. It was as if there were two parts of me, but they would never fit together.
My head was throbbing, so I went downstairs to beg Rokeya for a cup of chai. Of course, I could make it myself, but that would send Rokeya into a tizzy and also get her in trouble if Nusrat Mami saw that she was letting me do her work. I found this ridiculous and disgusting on so many levels, but the last thing I wanted was to make things more difficult for Rokeya, who had been with my grandmother forever. As it turned out, I ran into Nusrat Mami in the hallway wearing a very brightly colored kaftan. She looked noticeably smug, and I wondered what plot was brewing in that evil genius mind of hers. But she looked happy to see me. Or maybe she was relieved that we’d be gone soon. At least that feeling was mutual.
“I hear you have big shopping plans for the next couple of weeks,” she said.
“I don’t think so, Aunty. We’re leaving this week.”
“Oh, so your parents haven’t told you? I thought you knew.” Her eyes widened, feigning innocence.
“Told me what?”
“That you’re not leaving until—”
“Until what?” I could feel a knot forming in my stomach.
“I think you should ask them. I don’t want to get in the middle of anything.” And with that she turned around and flounced off in her ridiculous kaftan.
By the time I found my parents in the living room, I was ready to explode.
Mom and Dad looked up in surprise as I burst into the room.
“What is Nusrat Mami talking about?” I sputtered. “She says we’re not leaving this week.”
Dad recovered first.
“Rukhsana, please don’t shout,” he said in an infuriatingly calm voice. “This is no way to talk to your parents.”
I took a deep breath and counted to three. And then to ten.
“Okay,” I said when I finally felt calm enough. “Can you please explain what she’s talking about?”
“Nusrat is always sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong,” said Mom irritably. “Always stirring up trouble.”
“So, we are leaving, then?”
“Ammu, it’s nothing to worry about. We just wanted to stay an extra week to see some old friends Daddy and I haven’t seen for many years. They were away but are coming back in a few days. We just couldn’t leave without seeing them.” She smiled reassuringly at me.
“I’m missing a lot of school and this is my final semester.” I felt my anger dissipate a little. I could understand why they’d want to stay a few extra days to see old friends. A trip like this wasn’t cheap, so we couldn’t just come whenever we wanted.
“Rukhsana, it will be fine. You will catch up in no time.”
It wasn’t as if I had a choice.
“Fine, but we have to leave right after you’ve met your friends. I can’t afford to lose my scholarship.”
“Don’t worry. Obviously, we are also concerned about your schoolwork. After all, we are your parents and we will do what’s best for you.” Mom stood up, signaling the end of the discussion. I went off to find Shaila so I could vent to her.
“Seriously, another week?” Ariana said when I called her the next day to give her the bad news. “I’m dying here without you.”
“I’m sorry, babe. There was nothing I could do.” I hated feeling so powerless, but more than that I hated letting her down.
“Why do you have to stay longer anyway?” Ariana said irritably.
“It’s just some old friends my parents haven’t seen in years.”
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in years. Seriously, it’s been almost two whole weeks.”
“Well, what do you want me to do? It’s not like we come here all the time.” I rubbed my temples, feeling a full headache coming on.
“Anyway, I have a lot of homework to do now, so …” Ariana said.
“I guess I’ll talk to you later, then.” I hung up.
“Rukhsana, my friend Sharmin and her family have come back from their Europe trip,” Mom said the next morning as I was getting ready for the day.
Finally some good news. Maybe now we can finally go home.
“I’ve invited them for dinner tonight. Why don’t you wear that new magenta shalwar suit I bought you from Mannaf and Sons last week?”
“Sure, whatever.” I just wanted this dinner over with so we could leave.
Sharmin Aunty was Mom’s friend from high school and they hadn’t seen each other in twenty years. They had recently reconnected through a mutual friend and were overjoyed to see each other. Her husband, Rupon, owned an import-export business of some sort, and their son, Ashraf, was visiting from Silicon Valley, where he worked in the IT sector. Ashraf seemed nice enough but a little dull for my taste. We made polite conversation about his work and where he’d gone to school. I didn’t volunteer any information about myself and he didn’t ask for any details. They left shortly after dinner, saying that they were still on Europe time.
“Sharmin and I were as thick as thieves when we were your age, Rukhsana. Just like you and Jen and Rachel,” Mom said after they left. “Their son was also very nice, wasn’t he?”
I shrugged. “He was okay, I guess. A little bit boring.” I helped Rokeya clear the table and when she left with a load of dishes, Mom turned to me.
“Sharmin said they are looking for a girl for Ashraf. What do you think?” she said, putting leftovers into small containers.
&n
bsp; “I don’t know … Isn’t there some sort of website for that stuff? Like shaadi.com or something?”
Mom finished putting the last of the sweets into a covered glass dish.
“I don’t think they would like that. I think she would like somebody whose family they know.”
“What about Saira Aunty?” I thought about my Mom’s cousin who had visited a couple of days ago. She said she was looking to get her oldest daughter married.
“I think they want someone who is settled in the US.”
“When we get back we can ask Aunty Meena. She’s sure to know someone who knows someone.”
Mom stopped rearranging the food. “I think they are considering you.” For a second I thought she was joking. But her face was dead serious.
“But you told them that I’m not interested, right? I mean, I’m going to Caltech in a few months.”
“Of course, ammu, no one is talking about right now. She was saying just an engagement for now, then only after you get your degree, the marriage will take place.”
She doesn’t get it. There isn’t going to be any marriage. Not now. Not ever.
“Mom, seriously, didn’t you tell her?” She didn’t answer but just stared at the pyramid of containers she had made on the table.
Just then Dad walked in.
“What’s going on?” he asked cheerfully, not reading the room at all. “Are we having sweets?”
Mom glared at him. “Your daughter is being unreasonable as usual. Please talk to her, Ibrahim.”
I rolled my eyes, appealing to my dad.
“Dad, Mom wants me to get engaged to her friend’s son.”
Mom and Dad exchanged a look and he said, “Maybe it is not such a bad idea. This boy is from a good family. They will not stop you from getting your degree, and after college you will be ready to get married anyway.” This could not be happening. Too many thoughts swirled around in my head.
“Mom, Dad, you have to know how completely ridiculous this is. I am not going to get engaged to some guy I just met.”
“And we are not asking you to. You can get to know him for a little while and then get engaged,” Dad said, thinking himself clever.
“Yes, Rukhsana, we are not those kinds of people who don’t let their daughters even go out before marriage. We know that things are different for your generation. We are very open-minded,” Mom said.
So, they expected me to be grateful that I could go out for dinner with a guy I’d just met before I committed to him for the rest of my life? How very progressive of them. I wanted to point out that they were conveniently forgetting I was gay and currently in a relationship, but I didn’t think that would go over well.
But Mom wasn’t finished. “Rukhsana, I knew you would be stubborn about this, so I arranged for someone else to come to see you tomorrow evening.”
“What?” I had to keep my hands glued to my sides because otherwise I would break something.
“You don’t have to like the first boy we find. But you have to pick someone. Otherwise, we are not going back to Seattle. That’s it.” She threw up her palms, washing her hands of me.
“You’ve been planning this all along, haven’t you?” It all made sense now. The other family. Asking me to get all dressed up. Nani.
“Was Nani even sick? Or was she part of your disgusting plan too?” I glared at Mom and her eyes flashed as she looked back at me.
“Disgusting? You want to talk about disgusting?” she said with clenched teeth. “After what you were doing with that trashy white girl? Under my roof?”
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. Every word was a blow, and I staggered back under the attack. Tears stung my eyes and I looked over at Dad. His upper body bent forward.
What is he doing?
Through a haze of tears, I saw him clutch his chest. My brain didn’t register, couldn’t comprehend what was happening. And then through the fog I heard a scream, a keening sound.
The mist cleared from my eyes and I saw Mom on the floor cradling Dad’s head, crying and shouting at me to get help.
Mom, Nusrat Mami, and I had been sitting in the hospital waiting area for the past two hours with no updates about Dad’s condition. Neither one of us wanted to say what we were thinking. If anything happened to him, I would never forgive myself. And I knew that she would never forgive me either.
Shaila had gone back home to get us a change of clothes and something to eat. All around me people were in pain. Some moaned, others wept. A young woman, a girl really, sat on the ground with a toddler in her arms. The man with her sat in a chair next to an older woman.
When the toddler slid out of her arms, she got up to catch him. Her belly was large and round as she walked awkwardly after her child. He seemed to be getting away and the mother had no hope of catching up. I got up, quickly ran to catch the little runaway, and brought him back to his mother. She smiled gratefully before returning to her spot on the floor. The entire time the man didn’t move from his chair. I shot him a look of disgust, and in return, he leered at me. I pulled my scarf a little closer around me and looked away.
Shaila returned with a few bags and set them down on a chair.
“Zuby Phupi, have a samosa,” she said, offering Mom one in a paper napkin.
“I can’t eat anything right now, Shaila. Maybe later, okay?” She touched Shaila’s cheek gently.
“At least have some chai,” Shaila said and poured a cup from the thermos she had.
Mom took the proffered cup and took a sip. Shaila poured me one too and I held the steaming cup in my hands, drawing warmth from it.
I threw a glance at Mom. She looked so small sitting there.
“Mom, it’s going to be alright,” I said, taking her hand and squeezing it. But she shook her head and pulled her hand out of mine.
“This is all your fault, Rukhsana. If you hadn’t been so selfish none of this would have happened.”
“Mom, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” Tears pooled in my eyes and ran down my cheeks.
“What are you crying for? You won’t listen to us, so why do you care what happens to Dad? Just go home. I don’t want you here anymore.” I reeled back in shock. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay here with Dad, in case anything did happen.
She looked at me with hard eyes.
“Just go. Please.”
I still didn’t move.
Shaila stood up and took me gently by the arm.
“Rukhsana, let’s go. I’ll take you home to get some rest and you can come back later. Zuby Phupi’s just upset now, so give her some time. Anyway, there’s nothing you can do here.”
I allowed her to walk me out to an auto-rickshaw so the driver, Malik, could stay at the hospital for my mother and aunt. While we were stuck in traffic, I looked out from under the canopy of the motorized three-wheeler. Despite the late hour, there were still big crowds outside, going about their daily business. Street vendors were closing up shop, and to my right, a gaunt, bearded old man tried to regain control of his bullock cart as it careened around a bend. Pedestrians scattered to get out of his way, while a traffic control officer blew incessantly on his whistle at an unimpressed public.
By the time we finally got home, darkness had fallen. A full moon peeked through the tall betel nut trees and coconut palms, which looked strangely menacing tonight. Or maybe it was just my state of mind.
I ran upstairs and flung myself on my bed. As I rubbed my tired eyes, my eyeliner came off and stained my fingers. Damn it. I still had all my makeup on from before. I got some wipes and started taking it off, rubbing my skin angrily to rid it of all traces of this horrible day.
Mom’s words reverberated in my head.
Had she meant what she said? Does she really think I don’t care?
I needed to talk to Ariana, to hear her voice. She would calm me down.
“Rukhsana, I’m so sorry,” she said as soon as she answered.
“What are you—”
Then I remembered our last conversation. It seemed so long ago, and a lot had happened since then.
“Are you okay?” Ariana’s worried voice came over the phone.
“Yes, I’m okay, but Dad’s in the hospital.”
“Oh my God, that’s awful. What happened?”
“I don’t know. We had a big fight and then he just collapsed. And Mom doesn’t want me there. She thinks it’s all my fault.”
Silence.
Is she still there?
Her voice came over the line, sounding distant and thin.
“She must be scared and upset. I’m sure she didn’t mean it, Rukhsana. But what did you fight about?”
“You’re not going to believe what they did! They actually had a guy come over with his family to meet me.”
“What do you mean meet you?” Her voice was clearer now.
“Meet me. As in, a potential bride. My brother was right, Ariana. He warned me before we left, but I didn’t think my parents would go this far. They lied to me about my grandmother being sick.”
“Why would they do something like that?”
“Because they’re freaking out about us. They think if they can interest me in a guy I might change my mind about you.”
“Can they?” Ariana said softly.
It was a second before I realized what she meant.
“What? No, of course not.” I spoke much louder than I meant to.
She didn’t say anything for so long I thought she’d hung up.
“Ariana, are you still there?”
Silence.
“Ariana?”
“I’m here.”
A sigh of relief escaped me. “Ariana, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
“You know, Rukhsana, this is really hard for me too. You’re all the way over there and your parents are acting so weird. What do you expect me to think?”
Rokeya rushed into the room with the house phone in her hand. “It’s Nusrat Mami,” she mouthed to me.
“Ariana, I have to go. I’m sorry, I’ll try to call you later.”
With trembling hands, I took the phone from Rokeya.
“Mami, how is he?”
“The doctor says your father had a panic attack. Nothing more. They ran all sorts of tests and there’s nothing wrong with his heart.”
