by Sabina Khan
I had to sit down. I thanked God that Dad was fine. My hands still shook and I could hear my name called from a distance. Nusrat Mami was still on the other end of the line.
“Rukhsana, are you alright?”
“Yes, Mami. Is Mom … Should I come back to the hospital?”
“No, no, we left some time ago and we’re almost home. You just stay with your Nani and tell her everything is fine, okay?”
“Yes, okay, I’ll tell her right now.”
I hung up and waited for my hands to stop shaking. My dad was going to be alright. I took a deep breath and then another. When I felt composed enough, I went to Nani’s room and gently opened the door in case she was asleep. Her eyes were closed, so I sat in a chair and wept quietly. I cried for all the hurt I caused and for the pain I felt inside.
Is it all worth it? I could have lost Dad today. It felt as though I’d lost Mom already.
But then I thought about Ariana and I knew I couldn’t give up on us. I had to be true to myself and stay strong.
Nani stirred in her bed and opened her eyes. When she saw me, she motioned for me to come closer.
“What is it, Rukhsana? Is your father—?”
I shook my head, wiping my tears with the edge of my scarf. “He’s okay, Nani. It was just a panic attack. Nothing serious.”
“Then why are you crying? Come here. Put your head right here and tell your nani all about it.”
I started crying again, my tears falling on her sari blouse and leaving a wet stain.
“It’s all my fault, Nani,” I sobbed. “I was arguing and that’s when Dad—”
“Fathers and daughters always argue, Rukhsana. There is something more that’s bothering you, I can tell.”
How would she feel about me if I just told her? Would she look at me with the same disgust as my parents?
I wasn’t sure, but I had a feeling she might understand. I hated lying to her.
“Nani, I have to tell you something—”
The door opened and Mom walked in. Her eyes were red and her clothes were crumpled. She motioned for me to come to her.
“How’s Dad?”
“You can go and see him, he is resting downstairs. And please, I’m begging you, don’t say or do anything to upset him.”
“I won’t, Mom, I promise,” I said quietly, not wanting to argue with her right now.
I went downstairs and found him lying on one of the sofas, his eyes closed. I sat down on an armchair next to him, thinking he was asleep, but then he opened his eyes and saw me there.
“Rukhsana, don’t look so worried. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.” I smiled at him through the tears, so relieved to have him back.
“Daddy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you so upset.”
He looked so frail, I was still worried something bad would happen to him.
He smiled at me. “I know you will do the right thing, Rukhsana. I have faith in you.”
My heart went cold at his words. He thought that I would do what they wanted. Marry a complete stranger? A man. But if I didn’t—I couldn’t think about this anymore right now.
“Dad, just get some rest. Do you need anything?”
He shook his head. “Just ask your mom to come down, please?”
I nodded and went upstairs to get Mom. She was deep in conversation with her mother when I told her that Dad wanted to see her. I went to my room to lie down, exhausted from the events of the day.
My parents had always been strict with me about boys and the way I dressed. But nothing this extreme. I’d figured that after the initial shock of finding out I was gay, they would at least think about it. But this? Pushing me to get married? This went against everything they believed. Or maybe I had just chosen to see them differently over the years. It was as if I hardly knew them. All the lies and emotional blackmailing was too much, and my head throbbed from the insanity of it all.
Ariana hadn’t answered her texts or her phone since last night and I was beginning to panic. Our last conversation obviously hadn’t gone well, so I knew she was probably hurt and angry. But she’d been hurt and angry with me before and she’d never shut me out like this. After sending the twentieth text, I decided to call Jen and fill her in on everything. She’d be able to help.
Thankfully Jen answered right away.
“Hey, Rukhsana, how are you? Ariana said you’re staying another week?”
As soon as I heard Jen’s familiar, cheerful voice, I burst into tears.
“Rukhsana, oh my God, what happened?”
It took a moment for me to stop sobbing long enough to speak coherently.
“Jen, everything is such a mess. Ariana’s mad at me and my parents—”
“Tell me everything, from the beginning, and we’ll sort this out. It’s going to be okay, I promise.”
Even though I knew it was highly unlikely that Jen could help me out of this mess, I still felt calmer just hearing her voice.
“Jen, my parents exaggerated about my grandmother being sick. The real reason they brought me here is so that they could find me a husband.”
There was complete silence from the other end of the line. But it was no surprise that it was taking Jen a moment to process.
“Wow, that’s so messed up,” she finally said. “Rukhsana, you need to get out of there. Like right now.”
Fortunately for Jen, she had yet to come across the kind of messed up that my parents were.
“Yeah, my parents will never let that happen. I tried to talk to them and my dad ended up in the hospital. If I just leave, there’s no telling what will happen. I can’t take that chance.”
“What about Ariana?” Jen said. “Have you talked to her about this? I haven’t seen her for a couple of days.”
“She’s really mad at me. I told her about what happened with my parents. I was talking to her after I got back from the hospital, but then we never finished our conversation and now I can’t get a hold of her. She won’t answer any of my texts.”
“I’ll go to her house and make sure she’s alright. I just thought she was busy studying for midterms. You know how she gets during exam time.”
Ariana had a habit of becoming a hermit when exams came around. None of us would see her for a few days while she buried herself in her notes. But this was different. I knew she must be freaking out about us.
“Jen, I’m really worried. She was so upset the last time we spoke.”
“I’m going to check on her right now. I’ll let you know how it goes as soon as possible.”
“Thanks, Jen. And can you fill in Rachel for me, please? And please, please get Ariana to call me back. Tell her I’m sorry about everything.”
“I will. But, Rukhsana, please. You have to get out of there.”
“I’ll figure something out. I promise.”
I felt a little better after hanging up with Jen. But this whole situation was still a mess. I knew I had to do something about it, but now after my dad’s panic attack, I was afraid to do anything to upset him. What if he really had a heart attack the next time? How could I forgive myself?
I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling for a while, in disbelief about the turn of events. I wished my brother was here. I knew just talking to him would make me feel better, so I called.
He answered right away.
“Hey, Rukhsana. Are the relatives driving you up the wall yet?”
“Aamir, you were right,” I said quietly.
“What do you mean?”
“Mom and Dad want me to get married.”
“To whom?”
“Doesn’t matter. As long as it’s some guy they approve of,” I said bitterly.
He sighed and I pictured him sitting in his room at home and I wanted nothing more than to be there right now. Back in my normal life, where everything made sense.
“I was afraid they would do something stupid, but not this. I thought they’d just have some sort of intervention to guilt you into being straight.�
�
“Yeah, I wish,” I said with a hollow laugh. “They didn’t tell you that Dad went to the hospital, did they?”
“Wait, what? Why was he in the hospital?”
I felt a pang of guilt at breaking the news to him like this, but Dad was fine now.
“He had a panic attack when I told them there was no way I was getting married. But he seems to be okay now.”
Aamir let out a sigh of relief.
“Aunty Meena hasn’t said anything about this. I guess Mom and Dad don’t want all of Seattle to find out about your lesbian ways,” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
“You think? It’s bad enough that Nusrat Mami will start wondering what’s up if I don’t pick a guy to marry soon.”
“What are they doing? Inviting guys over to check you out?”
“Only one so far. But I know there are going to be more.”
“So, what’s the plan? How do we get you out of there?” Aamir said in his serious big brother voice.
“That’s what I’m trying to work out.”
“Can’t you tell them that you have to get back or you won’t be able to graduate?”
“I’ve already tried that, but I think at this point they’re worried someone will find out about Ariana and me if I’m in Seattle.”
“Well, at least try and reason with them,” Aamir pleaded. “They’ve been bragging to everyone about you going to Caltech, so maybe it could work.”
I saw a glimmer of hope. My brother was right. I had to at least try to appeal to their reasonable side. If they even had one anymore.
“Hey, Aamir,” I said, wanting to reach out across the distance and give my brother a hug.
“Yeah?”
“You know you’re the best baby brother a girl could ask for, right?”
“Okay, okay, let’s not get all emotional and stuff. I know I’m great and all—”
“Never mind, I’m hanging up now,” I said with a grin, picturing him sitting there with a smug expression on his face.
I went off to search for Mom and Dad, finding them in their bedroom, Dad lying on the bed and Mom sitting on the edge of it. They were talking in hushed voices when I entered.
“Dad, how are you feeling now?” I asked, bending down to kiss his forehead.
“I am much better now, ammu,” he said. “You know, Rukhsana, it is very painful for us to deal with these kinds of things.”
I said nothing.
“When you have children of your own, you will understand how difficult it is to watch them go down a wrong path,” Mom said. “But I’m happy that you are seeing things our way now.”
It took all the restraint I had to not say what I was thinking right then. That they were delusional if they thought I would agree to any of this. Could they really be this out of touch with reality?
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“What is it now?” Mom said.
“You know there’s only a couple of months left of school. I’ve already missed so much, and I’m worried my GPA will drop if I don’t go back right away. I might lose my scholarship if I don’t keep up my grades.”
The words came out in a rush, because if I didn’t say it all at once I might lose my nerve. Now I waited for one of them to say something.
“Rukhsana, you are not going back until you are engaged to be married.” Mom spoke the words with such finality, I felt the walls closing in on me. They were not going to back down until they had utterly and completely ruined my life.
I needed to get some air. Fighting the urge to scream, I turned around and left the room. I went downstairs, out through the French doors, and into the garden. I didn’t stop until I reached the edge of the koi pond. It was only then that I allowed myself to cry. I sat at the water’s edge, the red bricks pressing hard against my skin. My reflection stared back at me, broken up only by the koi fish darting around under the rippling surface. The sun was setting and a light breeze scented the air with jasmine.
I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting there when Shaila came and sat down quietly beside me.
I turned to her and grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently.
“Shaila, I have to tell you something.”
“Anything, Rukhsana. You know I’m here for you.”
I wondered if she knew just how much that meant to me right now.
“Mom and Dad want me to get engaged. As soon as possible. That’s why they brought me here. They lied to me about Nani being sick, just so they could—”
I turned to her, my eyes full of tears I couldn’t afford to shed now. Because I had to stay strong.
“Shaila … I can’t do this. I have to leave.”
Shaila put her arms around me and squeezed tightly, just like she used to when we were little and I was upset.
“Tell me everything. From the beginning,” she said.
“Mom caught me making out with my … umm … my girlfriend,” I said, hesitantly lifting my eyes to read the expression on her face.
Shaila pulled back just a little to look at me, her eyes wide.
“You have a girlfriend and I’m just finding out about it now?”
I opened my mouth to explain, but realized I had no excuse. I should have mentioned it when she told me about Alam.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but things have been really tense at home.”
She shook her head.
“I’m just giving you a hard time. I kind of figured something was going on when we were at the hospital, but I didn’t want to pry.”
“It’s been awful, Shaila. They refuse to listen and they’re trying to ruin my life.”
“Rukhsana, that’s not going to happen, okay? Trust me. Zuby Phupi and Ibrahim Phupa love you. They wouldn’t want you to be unhappy. This must have been a shock to them and they probably just panicked.”
I shook my head.
“You don’t understand, Shaila. This isn’t like when they caught us watching MTV when we were younger and went on about the evils of pop culture and rock music. This is serious. They’re worried someone will find out.”
I choked back a sob.
“She said I was disgusting, Shaila. That I was sick.”
Tears were rolling down my cheeks now, and Shaila gently wiped them away with the ends of her orna.
“I’m sure she didn’t mean it. You know how your mom gets when she’s angry.”
“This time it’s different. She really believes she’s right. She won’t even try to understand how I feel.”
“Then we have to make her understand. Let me talk to her, maybe I can soften her up like I used to. Remember how I saved you from getting into trouble the last time?”
I smiled, but it was more out of bitterness than anything else.
“You mean when I was twelve? Shaila, this is different. This goes against everything she believes.”
Shaila didn’t say anything and an uneasy churning settled in my gut.
“Shaila, do you think … You don’t feel the same way, right?”
I knew it was a mistake as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I saw the hurt in Shaila’s eyes before she even said anything.
“You really think I’m like that, Rukhsana?” she said softly, her eyes glistening.
I hung my head, unable to look at her. She was my cousin, my sister, and my partner in crime ever since I was five years old. How could I have doubted her?
“I’m sorry, Shaila, I just—”
“You just assumed that because I live here and I pray five times a day that I’m also close-minded and judgmental.”
I shook my head, but there was a ring of truth in her words. I did assume that most people who observed the rules of my religion would judge me harshly. That’s why I’d never confided in my Bengali friends in Seattle. I’d never really thought about it, but now I wondered. Was I just as judgmental as my parents?
“Rukhsana, I know this is a really horrible situation, but trust me, this happ
ens here too. The difference is that people here have nowhere else to go. They’re stuck here. At least you have a way out, but we just have to figure out a plan.”
She squeezed my hands again and some of my shame began to fade.
“Shaila, you don’t know what it means to me that you understand. It’s been really tough on Ariana too. She doesn’t get how things are in our culture, you know?”
“Ariana,” Shaila said softly. “That’s such a pretty name. How long have you been with her?”
“A little over seven months now. She’s amazing, Shaila. She’s smart and funny. We’re supposed to go to Caltech together in the fall, and I thought I would tell Mom and Dad once I was far away from home.”
“Well, I can’t wait to meet her,” Shaila said, standing and pulling me to my feet as well. “But for now, let’s figure out how to get you back home.”
Shaila went off to say her Maghrib prayer while I went back to my room to ruminate on my situation.
I decided to call Irfan and fill him in on what had happened.
“My God, are you alright?” he said, his voice amplified by shock.
“Yes, for now, but I don’t know what I’m going to do if they keep pushing me.” I pressed my hands to my eyes. I’d cried more in the past two days than I had in the whole year.
“Do you really think they plan to go through with it? Maybe they hope you’ll change your mind.” I guess one of us was looking on the bright side.
“Yes, well, that’s too bad for them, because it won’t happen.”
“I know, but come on. Did you really think they would just accept it?”
I didn’t know what to think anymore. But I had to talk about something else or my head would explode.
“Irfan, I’m trying to come up with a plan to get home. Can I count on your help?”
“Of course, why are you even asking?” Irfan said. “Whatever you need. Sara and I are here for you. You just tell me what I can do, okay?”
The waterworks threatened to start again. It was hard to believe that just a short while ago, I had thought Irfan was a blackmailing jerk. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I made a mental note to adjust my judgy attitude. I’d made that mistake with Shaila as well.
