He blew out a breath and I didn’t think he’d answer until, well, he did.
“It didn’t hurt me,” he said, his voice low, concentrated as if he was choosing them carefully. It was as if he was trying to find them. He stopped rocking. “I think it more so confused me and I guess it did disappoint me a little.”
It disappointed him.
Why did that tug at my chest more?
“You know I never mind what y’all boys are into,” he said. “I’d never stop you from doing what you want to do.”
I did know that. He’d been real supportive with Griffin and Colton. He even put in the extra hours to send Hayden through school until my brother left, realizing it wasn’t for him.
His thick fingers tapped the chair. “But you,” he said, and when he did, he smiled a little. “You and I have always been on the same wavelength and I couldn’t get you to veer off of it for nothing. I send y’all off to summer camp and you’re wanting to stay home, worried about the trailer and how everything is going to get done while you’re gone. You get off the bus from school, the first thing you do is the chores, and then make sure the others are doing their homework before you even start on yours.”
He shook his head after that. “It was something else. You worked just as many hours as me when we all worked Carter’s if not more, and the only way you were able to keep any money for yourself instead of putting it all towards the bills was because I made you. I guess with the business taking off, I assumed you’d be there, too, pushing it with the rest of the boys in the shop.”
He was right. I would have been. I still wanted to.
I just couldn’t.
“And maybe, that had been my mistake,” he went on. “I assumed you were like me and maybe you felt some pressure because of that.”
Every word made me want to rage out of myself, crush something, curse or something, but I couldn’t. I had to keep it together, so I fought the urge. I fought the explosion racing within me.
My hands shaking, I clasped them, staring down.
“You should tell your family… Because not doing so is keeping you away from them…”
Pop leaning forward took me out of my head and his own hands came into his lap, his own hands clasping themselves. “If I made you feel that way, I’m sorry and I apologize for everyone else, too.”
His voice cracked, cutting off a little on the end and he sat back. He faced away from me and I almost said something then. I almost admitted everything in one sweep. I wanted to tell him how much I wanted to be there. I wanted to tell him I’d do anything, anything just to have a chance to do that. But most of all, I wanted to tell him I was scared. I was scared not for my health, but with what I was limited to now, I was scared I’d never be able to help my family in ways I always had before. I didn’t have money like Griffin. I wasn’t creative like Colton, and definitely didn’t have what Hayden had. He was real smart, my brother, and didn’t even need a college degree to tell him that. Those things about my brothers, I just didn’t have and never would and that was my greatest fear. That I added no value to any of them anymore.
That I couldn’t take care of them like I used to.
Pop’s hand moved over his face and I knew the moment had passed. The time for all those words had evaporated. I let what I knew to be pride get me again.
He pressed his hands on his legs, standing. “Let me help you get that chair out.”
And so we did, together. Pop had the tethers and tossed them to me, the two of us working alongside each other like we used to. It only took us a few minutes, but outside of my time with Alex, it had been the most content I’d been in a long time.
I let that pass and got in the truck. Pop hit the passenger door, bidding me off, but came back when I rolled the window down.
I breathed. “You weren’t wrong, you know?” I said nodding. “You weren’t wrong about me. I am just like you. I am and I’m proud of that.”
That small smile he had before, reappeared and broadened. He put a hand on the velvet of the window. “You do what you need to do, boy, and we all trust in that. We’ll all be at peace with that.”
He pushed off the side of my truck and headed toward his house. The door opened before he did and he went back to that kind woman waiting in the doorframe for him.
Chapter Thirty
Alexa
I couldn’t find it, my hands flailed. It was dark. I was alone and I was pretty sure I was screaming a little, too. Slapping over the oak dresser, my eyes clouded with tears. The phone continued to ring and I thought I would miss it. But then hands came, strong ones in the dark. Brody made an appearance out of nowhere. Dipping down, he found the ringing phone on the floor. He turned it on and pressed it hurriedly to my face, my saving grace.
“Baby?” I called into the receiver. I put my hand on my face, pushing it into my hair. It was late, and if he was calling this late…
He wasn’t ready.
I breathed. “It’s okay. I’ll come pick you up from the sleepover. I just got to get my shoes on and—
“Alex?” came a light voice, soft and hesitant. It lacked confidence. It lacked aggression and I pulled the phone from my ear. This wasn’t my smartphone.
It was Elena’s phone.
The phone returned to my ear by my hand and I heard her voice again.
“Alex, it’s me,” she said. “Alex, is everything okay? Is Aiden okay? Why would you need to pick him up? From where?”
The questions came in rapid fire like we spoke every day about her child. Like she hadn’t left both him and me.
Is this really her on the phone? Did she really call?
The bed dipped down beside me. An arm came around my waist, Brody’s, and I let my body fall into the hard ridges of his side. When he returned, I didn’t know. He’d been gone for hours, but somehow he happened to come back when I needed him. He was always there when I needed him. He had to know who was in my ear right now. He’d been the one to find the phone.
“Alex? Alex?” sounded from the voice again. It was no longer soft. It panicked, and I had half a mind to let it continue on. I had no idea how I’d be on this day. In fact, before now, I wanted her to call. I treasured her phone. I kept it safe for her so we’d always have a link. But now that she had, my own hesitance buzzed around in my chest and resentment followed close in my wake.
Brody’s hand reached up to squeeze my shoulder. I doubted he’d make me say anything to her. I bet, knowing him, he’d fully support my decision to keep her completely out of all our lives.
I dampened my lips. “Elena.”
“Alex, is everything okay? Where’s Aiden?”
I pushed my hand into my hair. “He’s fine,” I told her, and now, I knew he was. He’d gotten past our checkpoint. My watch went off earlier, but he never called like I told him he could. He’d made it. My baby was okay.
“And he’s at a birthday party. A sleepover,” I went on. “I just thought he was calling maybe wanting to be picked up early.”
A breath sounded into the phone, chilling out and even. “A sleepover?” she said. “By himself and he didn’t call.”
I didn’t have to tell her anything, but I chose to. “Yes.”
“That’s great,” she said, and I nearly heard a smile in her voice. “How…” she started. “How are you? Him?”
Such a loaded question she asked. Yeah, we were fine physically, but emotionally we all still carried the weight of her; of Nathan.
I put the phone on speaker and let my head fall to Brody’s arm. He didn’t say a word, just brushed his fingers across the top of my shoulder.
“We’re surviving,” I said to her, because we were. Our tight little unit was making it, and we were doing it all without her.
“I knew you would,” was her only response, and I had no idea if she’d say anything more. She went so quiet so fast.
I made her talk. I made her own up. I made her hear me like a kind woman at a ranch told me to one day not so long ago.
/>
“So you’re back,” came from my mouth, a bit cold, a bit hurt. “You’re back now?”
I waited a long time for the next words and honestly? I didn’t know how I felt about them when I finally heard them.
“I am,” she said. “I am.”
*
So many days later, we sat in Brody’s truck. The day should have been happy. The day should have been one felt with no anxiety, but it was—because of her.
Gazing up, I watched my nephew play through the wide windshield of the four by four. Brody and I said he could play on the playground as long as he stayed within distance. Aiden couldn’t believe his luck today. Time at the park and then dinner on Ms. Rose’s ranch later that evening, almost too much for him. Brody and I told him about the dinner reservation after we picked him up from the birthday party and he took that excitement with him into the week.
I had no idea that same day Elena would want to meet.
I could have told her no. I should have told her no, but I couldn’t. I wanted to hear what she had to say. I wanted answers to all my questions. She said she just wanted to talk and that’s all I would let her do. That talking, though? That wouldn’t include her son. I had been clear on that on the phone. He’d be within my eyesight, though. He’d be here at the park with the man I loved.
He sat with me now, his hand rubbing down mine on my jeans. “You don’t have to do this,” he said. “If you’re not ready.”
When would I ever be ready for this? I had a feeling if I let today go, I might always do so.
My fear and anxiety of the unknown kept me in the truck despite my need for answers. I could feel it. It coursed through my veins like a oncoming storm. That’s when Brody took my hand. He pressed it to his lips, his soft perfect mouth, and he played with my mood ring with a thick finger after he did. He smiled at it and I couldn’t help smiling at him. That little thing seemed like the start of us. It knew we’d be together I think before even we did.
“Remember our talk?” Brody asked, lowering my hand to his lap. “And how I left the night your sister called?”
So much had happened that night, but I didn’t fail to notice how once again my issues had taken the forefront. After it had all been said and done, Brody chose to keep to himself the details of that night. I hadn’t pushed him on it because I never did. We knew how the other operated. Pushing never worked, only openness, and then later acceptance.
“I went to see my pop,” he said, chasing the line between my index finger and thumb with his. His hand was so much larger. He looked up. “I really didn’t know why. I just found myself there, but I’m glad I did. I think I needed to know how he felt. I think I just needed to talk to him.” He laughed a little. “I think I just needed to talk—period.”
I pushed a leg under the other. “What did he say? What did you say?”
He sat with his thoughts a moment before he spoke. “We talked about the family business, but it’s not what we said that stuck with me. It’s what I ended up finding out. The pair of us, we’re real similar. We don’t like bothering folks with our issues and never like saying when we need help.”
I definitely got that from him, but also respected that about him, too.
He laced our fingers. “I’m going to tell everyone today about my condition. I figured dinner tonight will be a good time. We’ll all be there and it will just be out there, you know?”
I squeezed his hand, fully supporting him on that. His family should know. They should know everything.
“We’ll be able to figure out what’s next,” he said swallowing. “And where I fit in now that I have this issue.”
That’s where I had to cut him off. I kissed the back of his hand. “This isn’t just your issue. I think you believe it is, but it’s not. Your family will be there for you and you know you have me.”
His eyes crinkled in the corners. He glanced away toward the playground, toward Aiden playing.
“This will all be… different for me,” he went on. “Letting people help and even harder adjusting to what I’m now limited to do for my family, for the business.”
Hearing that on the end made me smile. He both needed and wanted to be a part of his family’s business. To actually take action had to be up to him and when he felt he was ready. I was glad he finally believed what I did and what his family no doubt had since the beginning. We all believed in him.
“But I can do it,” he continued. “And you? I know you can do what you’re about to do. Your strength, Alexa, gives me strength. It makes me believe in any and everything. It lets me know it’s going to be all right for both of us. For all of us.”
He lifted our hands, kissing the back of mine before kissing me. I had to believe in his magic again. I had to believe in his words.
*
She looked up when I came into the cafe and she looked so, so different. Her hair had gotten a little longer and her face fuller, no bags under her eyes. Elena looked awake. She looked alive and something else, too.
She didn’t look so unhappy anymore. In fact, not at all, though a bit anxious, the unease patting her fingers lightly against the hard plastic table.
My uneasiness matched as well, my strides taking me toward someone I was starting to question if I’d ever see again, but there she was, Elena, my older sister.
Her gaze traveled the length of the room and when she spotted me, she stood, her hands clasped in front of her.
I closed the space with small steps, the words exchanged with me outside my driving force. Brody, he gave me strength, too.
I got to Elena quickly. The room had been small. The whistles and aroma of warm coffee beans moved through the air, surrounding us, but they couldn’t distract. We had too much between us. There was too much unsaid.
Elena’s hands gripped the hem of her blouse like she didn’t know what to do with them. A blouse. She wore a pretty blouse with flowers on it, the petals reaching for sunshine. She tugged it. “Hey,” she said, chewing on her lip a little and what else could I say but, “Hey” in return.
The two of us sat by my lead. Elena already had a lidded cup in front of her, asking quickly what I wanted.
I raised my hands. “It’s okay. I’m fine.” I refused to say I had no intention of being around here long. I’d let her say what she needed to say, then I planned to take the time I needed to go over it. This was all a lot for me and I wasn’t the only party involved.
Elena acknowledged my decline, a subtle dip of her chin. Her head tilted ever so slightly afterward. She glanced behind my shoulders and every which way and I knew she was fully aware I wasn’t the only party involved in this conversation. Just as quickly, she gave up, realizing that party wasn’t with me and I didn’t fail to notice she didn’t address what and who she’d been looking for.
I had so many questions, but started by stating something of the obvious.
“You look good,” I said, because she did. She looked well. She looked healthy.
The compliment only pleased her a little. Her smile was tight. “Thanks. The getting there was what it was, but I’m glad I did it. I feel good, so thanks.”
“So you’re clean?” I asked her. This had been something I needed to know off the bat. If she wasn’t, there was no reason for this conversation to continue. There was no reason for me to stay.
“The treatment was ninety days,” she said, tapping the side of her coffee. She cupped it. “Ninety days and I completed every one of them, Alex. I’m clean now and over a hundred.”
Over a hundred. One hundred. I couldn’t remember her being sober past a handful of days since we were teens, but what she said didn’t add up.
I slouched back, my shoulders dropping. “But you’ve been gone four months, Elena.” They’d been four months in which I had to repair wounds, fleeting days of holding her child while he cried into the night. Some of those nights had been my own. Some of those the man I loved had to help me through my own.
Her arms moved over her chest and I
recognized the body language. I did it myself when I was uncomfortable.
“I had some things to take care of,” she said, her gaze escaping me. Her fingers played at her arm. “I had to track down Nathan.”
My back up, my hands gripped my handbag. It never made it off my shoulder, sitting in my lap. Maybe something told me to never take it off.
I rose from my seat, but her voice stopped me.
“I had to end it,” came her words, and when I turned, her hands were on the table. Midair, she was standing. She was pleading. “I had to track him down to end it. To end everything.”
“You went to see him?” The very thought chilled me. So toxic, he’d have my sister right back where she was in a matter of moments.
But she said she was sober…
Elena shook her head, her ponytail moving over her shoulder, and that’s when I sat down. She didn’t go back to him. She didn’t see him.
Watching me, she retook her seat as well, placing her hands flat on the table. “I didn’t see him, but I needed to find him. It was the only way I could make all of this stop and get him out of our lives for good.”
What she said didn’t make sense to me. “How did you end things if you didn’t see him?”
Her fingers came together. “I made some calls. From some friends, I found out he wasn’t far from where I stayed.”
He was probably watching for her, waiting for her like the creep he was.
She went on. “Once I knew that, I made a call.”
“To who?”
“The police,” she said.
I had to say, my brow jumped. “The police?”
“Yes, I filed a report and I had enough evidence for them to make an arrest.”
My arms moved over my own chest now, my skin lining in gooseflesh at my next question. “An arrest for what?”
“Domestic abuse. Among other things. Drugs and his contacts. He kept a stash not far away and I fed them everything. Then there was Aiden. He hadn’t touched him, but he was present when Nathan laid hands on me. I had enough. I gave the cops everything.”
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