one hot summer

by carolina garcia aguilera

  “Margarita, no,” Rodrigo said, almost sadly.

  “Well, maybe not Phen/Fen.” I softened my stance a little. “But do you have anything else you can give me?”

  Rodrigo shook his head violently from side to side. “No, no. I won’t give you anything.”

  I hated to use the old man in this fashion, but it was obvious he wasn’t telling me everything I needed to know.

  “I don’t understand,” I said. “You’ve given them to me before without a prescription. All I ever had to do was ask. You said that yourself.”

  Rodrigo moved toward the pharmacy counter door. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just can’t.”

  I shrugged. “Okay, I guess I’ll just go to Montez’s, then.”

  At the mention of a rival drugstore, also Cuban-owned and which was known to dispense pills without a doctor’s prescription, Rodrigo stopped in his tracks.

  “You can’t do that!” he said.

  “Why not?” I challenged. “I’m determined to lose weight, and I know the diet pills help me. Frankly, I can’t understand why you won’t help me all of a sudden.”

  It was painful to watch Rodrigo wrestling with his conscience. On the one hand, he obviously wanted to do what was right. But he was trying to figure out how to keep from revealing the truth to me. Apparently, morality won out over confidentiality. Rodrigo nervously ran his tongue over his teeth and looked around, making sure no one was around to listen.

  “Because, Margarita, you can’t take that kind of medicati

  on in your condition.” He stammered, and spoke so softly that I had trouble hearing him. The man was obviously suffering, and I was responsible. Too bad. I had taken a big bite of his ass, and I wasn’t letting go.

  “My condition?” I repeated. “What condition are you talking about?”

  Rodrigo sighed and took a deep breath. I knew I had him then.

  “I’ll get fired if it gets out that I told you this,” he said.

  I felt like picking him up and shaking him until the answers tumbled out of his mouth.

  “Told me what, Rodrigo?”

  He took my hands in his and looked up into my face. His old eyes shone with emotion.

  “You’re not gaining weight because you’re eating too much, or not exercising,” he said. “It’s because you’re having another baby.”

  There, he had said it.

  There was only one way he could have known that information. In spite of my shock and disappointment, part of me felt an eerie sense of relief from having my suspicions confirmed. My instincts had told me to come to Rodrigo to ask him about the Pill, since he was the one responsible for filling my prescriptions. I hated to lie to him, but I had to.

  The pieces fell into place in my mind. They shouldn’t have messed with a lawyer. Now all I needed was for Rodrigo to fill in the blanks.

  “Tell me what happened,” I gently ordered him. “I promise that I won’t get you in trouble with my family.”

  “I’m sorry, Margarita,” he moaned.

  “Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Just talk. Tell me everything.”

  There was no point accusing Rodrigo of betraying me, because it was done. Now I just wanted the details of what had transpired.

  And, with that, I listened to the story of how I was betrayed by my mother and my husband.

  [37]

  I was so drained after talking with Rodrigo that it took all my strength to walk out to the car. My eyes wandered all over the console and rested on the clock, but I was so distraught that it took a while before the neon green digital numbers registered in my mind. I realized with a shock that it was already past one o’clock, and I hadn’t even taken a shower or had coffee. My whole life had been upended in the span of a few hours.

  Listening to Rodrigo explain exactly what had happened—what he had done, and why—I was devastated by the enormity of the betrayal I’d suffered. When I saw Ariel and Mamá so buddy-buddy at the family dinner, I should have suspected they were cooking up something. Never in a hundred years, though, would I have thought they would resort to such low-down, dirty means of making sure I quit work and stayed home with another baby.

  And they thought I would never find out.

  I knew that Ariel and Mamá had always been in agreement, thinking they knew what was best for me, but to stoop as low as they had was inconceivable to me. They had infantilized me, making decisions for me as though I was incapable of making them on my own. They had talked to me like I was a child before, and I had gone along with their little jokes, thinking them harmless. Now I saw that my laissez faire attitude had been a huge mistake.

  I had maintained my composure while talking to Rodrigo, but the truth was that I felt traumatized, almost as though I was learning someone in my family had died. The tragedy had taken place, nothing could be done about it, and there was nothing left but to learn the particulars. I felt like a voyeur of a scene in which I was the main actor, and it was a horrible sensation.

  Rodrigo had, of course, sworn me to secrecy, telling me that not only would Mamá fire him if she learned he had talked to me, but he would also be permanently expelled from the Santos family inner circle. Mamá had known exactly what she was doing when she threatened the old man with banishment from our family. We were the only family he had left.

  Once he started talking, there was no holding the old man back. Mamá had told him how tired I was of working, and how I really wanted to resign from my job and have another baby but I worried that I would be letting down my partners at the firm. She told him how I felt that, as the only Cuban woman partner, I worried I would be setting a bad precedent if I quit for no reason. She told him how I talked about having worked too long and hard to just walk away from my job.

  To put it another way, she used my own thoughts and concerns against me.

  Mamá told Rodrigo that getting pregnant would give me a perfect reason for resigning—which is what I really wanted to do, but wouldn’t admit to anyone. She had actually told Rodrigo that there were problems between Ariel and me because of my job, and that having another baby would keep us together. Mamá, she explained, was being a good mother by helping me with my dilemma.

  Rodrigo, a Cuban man, understood this reasoning perfectly. They were speaking the same language, and he agreed wholeheartedly that it would be best for me to get pregnant right away. And, after all, who knew what was best for me, if not my husband and mother? As a pharmacist, though, he knew he would be breaking the law by going along with Mamá’s proposal. The fear of being banished from the Santos world was stronger in the end than the oath he had taken upon becoming a pharmacist and, in the end, he bought into her argument and overcame his initial hesitation about going along with the plan.

  I knew how persuasive Mamá could be, and I wasn’t surprised she had managed to browbeat Rodrigo into breaking the law. And that was why, when I went to get my last batch of birth control pills, he had substituted placebos for the real thing. It was clear to me that Rodrigo was convinced he had done what was right for me. Talking about what had happened, it all made perfect sense to him.

  I had never felt so alone in my life. There was no one I could confide in, or consult with. Close as I was to Vivian and Anabel, I couldn’t go to them for help. I would trust them with my life, but this was information that I simply couldn’t share with them. I wasn’t able to tell them about the affair with Luther, and I didn’t think I ever would. They both liked Ariel, although in the beginning when we had begun dating, they had been suspicious of him and his motives toward me, but those had dissipated as the years passed and he had convinced them of his honorable intentions. I knew that they would take Ariel’s side in this situation, especially as I could not tell them the whole story. And there was no way to understand the problems I faced without knowing about the affair.

  After the first conversation with them in Starbucks when I told them Luther was in Miami, I hadn’t mentioned his name to them again. They would also be hurt that I hadn
’t confided in them—although, I reminded myself, Vivian had adopted a child without saying a word. Maybe the time for confidences was over. It was a sad thought, but there was no way I could go to Vivian and Anabel for help.

  Sometimes, I realized, we’re simply alone in life. And this was certainly one of those times. I got into this mess—with some help, admittedly—and I was going to have to sort it out. Maybe all that was left to me was heavenly consultation.

  A full ten minutes passed before I felt sufficiently composed to start the car. I drove without really thinking toward the Ermita de la Caridad, the shrine in Coconut Grove dedicated to the Virgin de la Caridad del Cobre, the patron saint of Cuba. I turned east off South Bayshore Drive, almost in a trance, and pulled into the drive leading to the shrine. The shrine was a holy place for exiles, a round building sitting just yards from the waters of Biscayne Bay.

  I had gone there before for solace, but it had been a long time since my last visit. My hands shaking, my breath coming in ragged gasps, I felt I was going to the only place left to me.

  I circled around the building and parked in a slot directly in front of the water. The wind off the bay was blowing so hard that I had difficulty opening the car door. The shrine was unlocked, and I went inside without any problem.

  The church was empty—no surprise, since it was midday and the middle of the week. I walked slowly until I faced the altar, where I knelt, crossed myself, then slipped into the first pew. I focused my eyes on the statue of the Virgin de la Caridad del Cobre, a small mulatto figure placed in the center of the altar. She was dressed in her usual white raiments, with cascades of pearls framing her visage.

  Peace. Just for a moment it washed over me like cool water.

  The instant I came into the Ermita, I felt connected with my Cuban roots. The building was a testament to the exile experience, and to its heroes and heroines. The wall behind the altar contained a mural depicting the important scenes from Cuban history. Although Fidel Castro had been in power for more than forty years, the paintings of Cuban men and women who had contributed to Cuba’s five-hundred-year history served as a poignant reminder that the sum total of the island’s history was stronger and more powerful than any single dictator. The nightmare will pass, the mural said to me, and hopefully we will have learned something from that tragic and painful lesson.

  Although I consulted Violeta and trusted her judgment, my problems had become too big for her. I went to the Virgin sparingly, not wanting to overburden her with my troubles

  . She was small, barely a foot tall, but for Cubans she towered in importance. She was a confidante, a quiet force that held our lives together. I was no different than my twelve million compatriots here in exile and on the island; I always felt she spoke to me directly, and more than once I thought I actually saw her lips move.

  I made myself comfortable because this was going to be a long conversation. Although she surely knew all the facts, I looked into her eyes and explained what I had done.

  I knew my affair with Luther had broken the vows I had taken during the sacrament of marriage. There was no excuse or reason for what I had done with Luther. I was happily married to Ariel, or so I had thought. Even though something must have been wrong, inside me or between us, I had still betrayed a good man, one who loved me. It was unforgivable, and something that I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

  But Ariel wasn’t without blame. He’d conspired with my mother to force me into leaving my job, and he’d violated my right to choose how I lived my life. These weren’t the actions of an honorable man. Clearly he thought I would never find out what he had done, but he and Mamá had underestimated me. Ariel obviously didn’t know about Luther. Now Ariel and Mamá’s plot to get me pregnant had created the possibility that I was carrying Luther’s baby.

  And Luther, approaching me, declaring his love when he knew I was married with a family. He was thinking only of himself when he showed up in Miami and came back into my life. Of course, I hadn’t resisted him.

  No one was blameless. And now it was time to deal with it. The Cuban and American sides of my life had come together, created sparks, and now threatened to destroy my life. I couldn’t let that happen. I had one child, and a second was on the way. And that’s all that mattered. I couldn’t worry about Ariel’s feelings, or Luther’s, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to worry about Mamá’s.

  My eyes wandered over the Virgin’s face, from her eyes down to her lips. Then I saw them move.

  “Tell me,” I said. And I began to hear what she said.

  [38]

  As soon as I heard Ariel’s car pull into the driveway, I sprinted over to the bedroom and lay down on the bed. An hour before, I had telephoned him at the office and asked him to please come home as soon as possible. This had been the first time I could recall ever having made such a request, so it was understandable that Ariel sounded first curious, then annoyed that I would not divulge what was on my mind. I suspected he knew but was not giving that away, experienced lawyer that he was.

  Ariel kept calling for me as he walked through the house. Calmly, I waited until he was at the doorway of the bedroom before answering him.

  “Oh, hi, Ariel.” I opened my eyes as if I had just woken up. If I ever wanted to find out if I had any acting skills, now was the time. “I must have fallen asleep.”

  Even though I was fuming at his treachery, I had to admit that Ariel looked attractive, in his olive-green linen suit, his face tan from riding in the car with the top down.

  “Margarita, is something wrong?” He asked, as soon as he saw me lying there. “Are you sick?”

  “Ariel, come here.” I sat up, and patted the place next to me on the bed. “I have to tell you something.”

  My heart sank when I recognized a look in Ariel’s eyes that he got when he was in the courtroom about to cross examine a witness, indicating he was circling in, ready for the kill. He knew what I was going to say, but was waiting to see how I would do it. That one single look confirmed what Rodrigo had told me, and was all I needed to go through with my charade.

  I took his right hand and held it between mine. “Ariel, today, I went to see Dr. Kennedy for a checkup.” Ariel knew perfectly well the name of my ob/gyn, so as soon as he heard it, he could be fairly certain of where I was headed. “I got some news,” I began.

  Ariel frowned, not wanting to give anything away. “What kind of news, Margarita?” He began stroking my hair. “Is there a problem?” I wanted to pull away, but managed to keep my composure. The only way my plan—and the Virgin’s—was going to work was if I played it convincingly. No doubt about it, I was going for the Oscar. I just had to keep thinking of Marti.

  “I just found out today that I’m having another baby,” I stated flatly, careful to keep all emotion out of my voice. I did not want Ariel to have any idea how I felt about the situation.

  Ariel leaned over and kissed me. “A baby! Oh, Margarita, that’s wonderful! A little sister or brother for Marti.”

  I refrained from making any kind of comment, but, instead, I waited a minute before speaking. “Well, Ariel, as you know, I’m on the Pill, so this is an accident.”

  Ariel squeezed my hand, and kissed me again. “Aren’t you happy, querida? We’ve talked about having another child.”

  It was all I could do to restrain myself from hurling accusations at him. “Yes, but we agreed it would be planned, and not an accident.” I lay back on the bed. “I still have not decided what I’m going to do about going back to work.” I closed my eyes. “This is not the way to have another child.”

  “Margarita.” Ariel lay next to me and stroked my hair. “It was just meant to be.”

  My eyes still closed, I ventured into dangerous territory. It was now or never. “I know I took the Pill without skipping any day. I became pregnant in spite of that.” I took a deep breath. “The only explanation possible is that the pills were defective.”

  I could feel Ariel beginning to s
quirm next to me. Good. “Well, Margarita, there is a failure rate associated with birth control pills. You know that.”

  I opened my eyes as I sat back up in bed again. “Right after I came back from Dr. Kennedy’s office I went on the Internet and looked up the track record of the brand of pills I take.”

  Now Ariel was openly concerned. And, based on his knowledge of me, he was right to be. He knew that once I set my sights on a malfeasant, they were history. “Why?”

  “Because I’m going to look into suing them for selling a defective product,” I announced gravely. “Oh, yes, by the time I’m done, that company is going to regret ever having manufactured those pills.”

  Ariel was silent as the significance of my words sank in. We both knew that once I embarked on that road, there was no turning back. The minute I filed the lawsuit, the attorneys for the pharmaceutical company, in order to defend itself, would unleash its teams of investigators, who would swarm over every aspect of our lives. It would not take long for the trail to lead them to Rodrigo, and expose his role in the pregnancy. Not a pretty picture to say the least.

  I went on a bit further, detailing what legal strategy I was thinking of following. The more I spoke, the paler Ariel became. The tan that he had been sporting earlier was a distant memory. Seeing his reaction, I decided to lay it on thick and go for the jugular. I certainly had not behaved like Mother Teresa, but he had acted in a despicable manner.

  Ariel listened as much as he could, but then, apparently, it all became too much. After considering the horrific scenario I was laying out in front of him, Ariel decided that the best approach would be for him to come clean and confess.

  Now visibly perturbed, he looked at me squarely in the eyes and said. “Margarita, you are not going to sue the pharmaceutical company. Those pills were not defective.”

  I let him sweat before speaking. “I am devastated, Ariel, by learning what you’ve done. I have to say, I’m not necessarily surprised at my mother’s actions, but you! You have betrayed me in the worst possible way.” I must have been a better actress than I thought, for I could actually feel my eyes water.