by Lisa Kumar
At times the events of yesterday seemed surreal, but she knew better. A bitter smile tinged her lips. Her life crumbled around her, with past memories inserting themselves in her psyche whenever they liked. And the worst part was she didn’t even know how she should feel. Until she had full knowledge of the past, she doubted she would. Even then, clarity of her previous life might not offer the same clarity of mind.
“Mo—Natalie, how do you fare?”
She spun around, a hand over her heart. “Aeron!” Clearing her throat, she spoke through the lump that had formed, her voice thick. “You’re so quiet I didn’t hear you.”
He flushed, casting his gaze to the moving trees above them. “Well, you were preoccupied.”
“You could say that again.”
“You were preoc—”
Her mouth curved up in a smile, and a laugh escaped her. “No, I didn’t mean it literally. I meant that your words, while true, were also an understatement.”
Inclining his head, he nodded thoughtfully. “The intricacies and nuances of Earth-bound English are hard to learn in TirAnn.” He remained silent for a moment before asking again, “How do you fare?”
The earnestness on his face nearly undid her. Concern radiated from him, but so did wariness. This whole situation was not easy for anyone involved. She sighed. “Not real well, Aeron. I’m…this is very awkward. I don’t know what to say to you. I’m apparently your mother, but have no idea how to be one to you or your sisters.”
He grimaced in agreement. “This is hard. You’re my mother, but then again you’re not. You have few memories of us, and before coming here, had none.”
“But the memories are coming back. Does remembering the past in full make me any more your mother?”
“Biology is but one small part of being a parent. You wanted to be a mother then, but do you now?”
His question froze the words forming on her lips. How could one sentence be so hard to answer? She would have to make a choice and soon. Did she want to be a mother to an already-made family she’d only begun to remember? Her past self had chosen that path. But should she be bound by those choices that had occurred so long ago, another lifetime ago?
But to turn her back on them… That outcome was unimaginable, too. Even without her memories returning, she’d grown attached to the whole bunch to the point of wondering how she would be able to leave them.
“I’m not sure how to answer truthfully at the moment. Everything’s all mixed up in my head and needs to be straightened out.” Even as she said the words, his carefully guarded face, so like his father’s, relayed some of his disappointment. Scrounging up the nerve, she walked the few steps needed to place her hand on his arm. “Please do not take this as a rejection, Aeron.” His nod spurred her on. “And what do you want, Aeron? Do you want a mother?”
He hesitated. “At one time I would have said yes unequivocally but not now.”
His words stuck her like a blow, considering she didn’t even know if she could function as a parent to a teen who was older than her. Then another memory hit, causing her to stumble. A new thought arose. Could she count the years of her previous life? Then she would no longer be so young.
Aeron steadied her. “You have gained another memory?”
Nodding, she pressed a hand to her aching head while he helped her to a nearby bench. “They strike when they please.”
He sat down beside her and clasped his hands loosely between his legs, forearms resting on knees. “Leaving you with quite the headache from the looks of it.”
“Why did you and your sisters act as if Lorh were your sibling?”
His eyes flickered away from hers. “We could not tell you the truth, at least not right away.”
She knew evasion when she saw it. “Why not?”
“Well, one obvious reason—you would have believed us insane.”
She mimicked his pose, leaning over to rest her forearms on her knees. “I can see how you would have thought that. But what is the other reason?”
“Other reason?”
“The one you’re not telling me.”
“Ah, that one. You need to ask Father about it.”
“I don’t feel much like talking to him.”
“This situation is not his fault, though maybe he could’ve been a little more forthcoming.” He sent her a sly sidelong glance. “You didn’t hear that from me, okay?”
She shook her head disbelievingly, his formal cultured tone so at odds with his words. Her children’s way of talking always sur—
Astonishment coursed through her. Her children? That just had to be a slip of the mind, so to speak, and not true acceptance of the situation. So busy hashing this over in her mind, she almost missed his next words.
“You’re going to have to talk to Father, you know.”
“Thank you for the offer, but I must refuse.”
“He’s not so bad. After all, he raised us alone for forty years.” His eyes glazed over, a faraway look entering them. “I remember those early years well. Father was not the man he’d been or is now. Back then, there was a desperation he couldn’t hide from us.” A sad smile flitted over his face. “He hadn’t yet figured out how to secure your return. Needless to say, he didn’t seek rest the way he should have. Even a fey needs sleep, and during those first years, he received very little between the memories and the search, which both ate away at him.”
The pain reflected in Aeron’s eyes made the breath catch in her throat. “Was he a good father?”
“He wasn’t perfect, but he lived for us. He was…sometimes is still a little overprotective. I thought it our human blood that made him so, but now I see it was his fear. He couldn’t protect you, regardless of your blood. Your humanity, I daresay, was both a blessing and a curse in your case.”
“It was?” Seeing how he arched his brows, she knew what was coming next. “Ask your father, right?” His only reply was a flash of white teeth. She rolled her eyes. “This is getting trite.”
“That may be so, but it’s all I have to offer.”
She sighed. “Just like your father.”
He drew himself up, offended. “I’m not ancient like he is.”
“No, of course not. But you are mature for your age.”
“Many would not agree with that assessment.”
“Your sisters, for one?”
“Yes, mostly them.” His smile showed brotherly devilry in action before it died away. “If I seem mature, it is because I had to grow up fast. While Father was there for us in every way possible, he was still a busy lord with issues of governance to oversee. He still is.”
“Where are all the people then?”
“He took these three weeks off and sent most everyone home, telling them not to come back until the time had passed. Father wanted this time to be just for family.”
A little thrill went through her. “He did that?”
“What can I say? It’s good to be lord.”
Peals of laughter gathered in her chest. “Oh, you’re a joy. I don’t know where you get these expressions, but your choice of vernacular almost makes me feel like I’m home.”
“Maybe you are.”
“Maybe.” A contemplative smile spread over her face.
A grin lit up his features, and his shoulder bumped hers. “It’s good to have you back, even if you’re not quite ready to be my mother.”
Chapter Seven
Natalie peeked around a corner, her gaze furtively sweeping over the wide hall that ran past Lorh’s study. She didn’t feel like having a run-in with him, as the forced politeness they both had retreated behind grated on her nerves. They hadn’t discussed her role in his life, for which she was thankful. But he only bided his time, and she waited for the day he would seek her out.
Though she avoided him for the last five days, she had the benefit of getting to know the children better. Nara and little Sirina adjusted quite well, but as she expected, Aeron and Aiya had a harder time of it. Out of the fo
ur siblings, they were most alike in personality, so it stood to reason their coping mechanisms functioned in much the same manner.
What complicated the matter were their respective ages. For all intents and purposes, Aeron was a teen with all the issues that accompanied this stage. His attitude toward her ran hot and cold. And Aiya was neither teen nor toddler and was at that minefield where autonomy and dependence mingled, paving a treacherous path for Natalie to navigate.
Their erratic behavior hid a fear of abandonment. Of her leaving. It was a fear she couldn’t alleviate, not until she was sure. Natalie took a step closer to that decision every day, every hour, she was here, but still couldn’t quite commit to it. But everything, her dreams, her memories, pulled her that way.
Sparing the hall one last glance, she stepped around the corner only to have a hand latch onto her arm, pulling her to a stop. She swallowed, looking down at the hand that held her arm captive. It was not the hand of a child or teen, but of a man—the same fey that featured in her dreams at night. Closing her eyes to block out those sensuous visions, she let her body go stiff as he invaded her personal bubble of space.
“I believe you’ve had time enough to remember and reflect, my lady. Our discussion awaits us.”
She almost groaned at the steely note in his voice, but was determined not to give him the satisfaction. Deciding no response was the best course, she inclined her head toward him. Maybe it was better to get this over with instead of fretting about and avoiding it.
Tell that to her pounding heart. It sure did not heed the logical conclusion her mind had drawn. Nor did her rubbery legs or her trembling fingers.
Once they started walking, his hand tightened around her elbow as if he feared she would escape. Not a bad conclusion on his part. He led her past his study, not seeking its familiarity as she thought he might have. That was something that had come back to her—his ability to turn any situation on its ear.
Instead, he took her down a hall not far from the one that housed her chamber. Nara had told her this was where the family’s rooms were located. What did he think he was doing? She could foresee no good coming of this.
He halted in front of an ornately carved door and flung it open with more force than she’d ever seen him use. Sweeping out an arm, he gestured for her to enter first. She glanced at his face and gulped. Lorh certainly didn’t seem in the best of moods.
The ambiance of the room hit her all at once. She knew as soon as she stepped past the threshold whose room it was. Though the chamber was predominately neutral in gender, the occasional female possession was scattered amongst its masculine counterparts. Memories abounded in this room.
She shivered, though not in fright or revulsion. “Why did you bring me here?”
“I thought you would want to see the chamber we had shared. You do want to know of the past, do you not?”
Not when he gazed at her like that, intense and wanting what she was not yet ready to give. In this room her resistance would crumble like a wall made out of sand. And he knew it.
He had devised the perfect setup. No wonder he’d bypassed his study. Lorh was determined to use emotional warfare and bombard her with the most intimate of memories.
“And you are bound to submerge me in it?”
“It is time.”
She clenched her fists so she wouldn’t give in to the urge to shake them in his face. “And you get to choose that, too?”
“You’ve been avoiding me for nearly a week, and only seven days remain of the original three weeks.”
“Yes, and I have until then to make my decision.”
“I do not deny this, but we have to talk before that time.” Apparently seeing her get ready to offer a retort, he said, “And that time is here.”
Scowling, she crossed her arms over her chest. “Fine, talk.”
“This conversation would be more amicable if you were not so petulant.”
A tiny twinge of guilt assailed her, but she shrugged it off. She was being a brat, but this room set her on edge. Natalie would offer no apologies. He was the one who had chosen the room, after all.
“How much do you remember?”
She hesitated, not sure if she wanted him to know the extent of her recovery. “A lot more than I had, but it’s still spotty at best.”
He stopped prowling around the room to stare at her. “That is a vague response.”
“No more so than your usual answer.”
“This is not a game, Natalie.”
“Never said it was.”
“You blame this whole situation on me.”
Starting to shake her head, she paused. She had needed a scapegoat, even though so much had been out of his control. Except…
“You’re the reason I’m here.”
“You would have wanted to continue on in that other life, not knowing of the family that awaited you here?”
“Couldn’t miss what I didn’t know I had.” Even as she said the words, she knew they were hurtful and untrue. Her life had been happy enough, but she’d never found someone who made her heart pound. Until Lorh.
His eyes narrowed under slashing brows, and disbelief tinted his eyes black. “You left,” he practically shouted, “leaving me with four children who cried for their mother.”
Now he was blaming her? She was so not at fault here. “Sorry I died and inconvenienced you.”
“Just do not do it again.”
“I won’t—” She paused, confused. “Make sure I don’t do what?”
“Die again. I strictly forbid it.”
Her eyes widened in amazement. “You forbid it? Even you don’t hold sway over that specter.”
His breathing was ragged. “No, that is why I had to wait forty years for you to arrive here.”
That raw tone caused her ire to die like a flame under the spray of a fire hose. Whether intentionally or not, she had left him alone to raise their children. They were great kids—smart, loyal, and affectionate. But even the best of kids were not easy to raise alone. Lorh was a proud man. Even though he had servants aplenty, he insisted on being involved in every facet of their lives to which she’d seen previously. She’d gleaned that much from Nara and Aeron.
And his extended family… She grimaced, knowing from her children his relationship with his parents and siblings had been cool, especially after he married her. Now her memory filled in the rest, causing her to remember just what Lorh had sacrificed to be with her.
Humans were theoretically accepted in TirAnn, but the practical application of this premise wasn’t so simple. She and Lorh had retreated to the country for that reason. TirAnn didn’t have kings, but it did have ruling families, and Lorh’s family had been one of them.
They would never have stripped Lorh of his wealth or privileged status because of the public humiliation it would’ve caused to their name. But his family had been frosty to Natalie and, by extension, Lorh. She shivered. Yes, polite but frosty.
So they had made a life here in the country, and Lorh really hadn’t noticed the difference, or so he said. Either way, he was a lord and as such would always have duties to occupy his time and mind.
She groped for the back of a chair. Staying mad at him was hard when memories such as these came to the forefront of her mind. His actions had been that of a man who would make many compromises, all for the love of a woman.
A wretched feeling, sour and bitter tasting, settled in her mouth and stomach. She could really vomit. Covering her mouth, she gagged. Only the imminent embarrassment of doing something so disgusting in front of him forestalled her, barely.
Lorh galvanized into action. Sweeping her into his arms, he carried her out through a French door that led to a veranda. Her eyes watering, she breathed in deeply as the warm spring air hit her. To her surprise he didn’t deposit her in a chair, but instead sat down, holding her in his lap.
All fight slipped from her body. She’d made herself sick by fighting her desires, but no longer. Natalie couldn’t sink
back into denial, not when he held her. Not when all pretenses had been torn away from them. She finally saw him, saw into him.
Reaching up, she caressed his cheek with a shaking hand. “Esteis.” The name, by which only close family and friends knew him, trembled upon her lips even after she’d said it. She savored the sound. Eh…stase.
Tears sprung up in his eyes, welling up until they ran down the smooth skin of his cheeks in rivulets. His hand came up to cover hers. “You remember.”
She used the pads of her fingers to wipe away the moisture, even as tears threatened her own eyes. “Yes, though I’ve been a stubborn fool.”
He shook his head vehemently, causing strands of that glorious hair to cascade over her face. “No, you were simply scared and coping the only way you knew how. I grew impatient, expecting too much, too soon.”
Lorh slid his free hand about her waist, molding her tightly against him. When his hand wandered up her back and left fiery trails of sensation in its wake, she hummed in contentment, snuggling more deeply against his warm, hard body. She itched to do some exploring herself, so her hand crept up his chest, enjoying the feel of muscle over bone. Feeling as if she had come home, she knew she was home.
