Living Voice

by Karen West

  I painted while Libby did her homework. ‘Do you plan on having lunch with Richard every day?’ she asked. ‘I’m just asking because Willow asked me. We miss you.’

  ‘Stephanie!’ called Dad, and I knew that something bad had happened.

  I found Dad in the bedroom kneeling beside Mum. Her lips were blue again.

  ‘Dad, what happened?’

  ‘Call triple zero.’

  ‘Shit, what do I tell them?’

  ‘Suspected heart attack. Hurry.’

  Libby dialled the number on her phone and handed it to me.

  Mum came out on a stretcher. When they wheeled her past me, she was wearing an oxygen mask. I reached out and took her hand, it was freezing. Unlike before, her eyes were closed. The paramedics put Mum in the back of the ambulance and Dad climbed in the back with a paramedic.

  ‘Call Cass, stay here and wait for her to come,’ Dad ordered, ‘I’ll keep in touch by phone.’

  The door closed and when the ambulance drove off, I just stood there. My thoughts were blank. Libby took my hand and led me back inside to wait for Aunt Cass. My phone squawked. Libby answered it.

  ‘It’s Richard,’ she said, handing it to me.

  ‘Richard –’

  ‘Is this a bad time?’

  ‘The ambulance just left with Mum. I’m waiting for my aunt. I’ll call you later.’

  Libby and I sat huddled on the lounge. There was a loud bang, Libby jumped and let out a scream. A portrait of Mum had fallen off the wall and hit the skirting board. I picked it up, held it close to my chest and went back to the lounge.

  Libby’s eyes widened. ‘That was so weird.’

  ‘I think it means that my mum just died.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ squealed Libby.

  The phone rang again. I answered it. ‘Dad, how’s Mum?’

  ‘We’re just waiting for the cardiologist. Aunt Cass might be a bit late. There’s food in the fridge. Is Libby still with you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Good, I’ll call as soon as I have more information.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I whispered.

  ‘Here,’ said Libby, taking Mum’s portrait from my hands, reattaching the wire on the back. ‘I’ll hang it back up.’ I nodded. ‘You’re shaking. Are you cold?’ I pointed to Mum’s blanket, and when she tucked it around me, I sobbed like a child.

  Libby snuggled in beside me. Her warmth was comforting, and her silence was a sign that she was worried too.

  Aunt Cass walked into the lounge room. I reached out and hugged her so tight my arms ached.

  ‘Steph, I’ve spoken with your father. He said that your mother is improving.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I said softly, and cried with relief.

  Aunt Cass and Libby were asleep, but I was wide awake. I sat curled up on Mum’s chair with her blanket pulled up under my chin, comforted by her smell.

  Dad arrived home around 2 am. I threw off the blanket and walked into the kitchen. He stood with his back to me, filling up the kettle.

  ‘Dad, how is she?’

  ‘You should be in bed,’ he said, placing the kettle on the flames.

  ‘What did Dr Wong say?’

  ‘I haven’t seen Dr Wong,’ he explained, pulling out a chair. I sat opposite him. I could see his worried expression. ‘Your mother is resting comfortably.’

  I sat cross-legged on the chair in front of my easel waiting for Libby to wake up. Her calm face matched her perfect world, the world with healthy parents.

  I stood and took the desert painting off the easel and replaced it with a newly prepared canvas, the one I had been saving for this year’s major work. I scraped the old paint off the palette. I used the colours from the last class that I had with Ms Benetti: red, black, yellow and white, and started mixing red and yellow with a flat kitchen knife.

  Broad strokes flowed as I blended colours and thought of how hard it must be for Richard, waking up each morning knowing that his brother was dead. I dropped the paintbrush into the jar and reached for my phone.

  My mum’s still in hospital.

  Richard was quick to answer.

  I’m sorry. Is she all right?

  Dad said that she’s resting comfortably.

  Are you alone?

  My aunt and Libby are here. Dad went back to the hospital.

  Keep in touch.

  Yeah, thanks.

  Libby sat up and rubbed her eyes. ‘How long have you been up?’ I didn’t bother telling her that I hadn’t slept. ‘Is there an update on your mum?’

  ‘Dad’s gone back to the hospital. We’ll know more when he sees Dr Wong.’

  There was a tap on the attic door. ‘Steph,’ called Aunt Cass.

  ‘I’ll come down,’ I called, not ready for her to see my new work.

  The door creaked open and Aunt Cass walked barefoot across the floor. ‘What are you painting?’

  I reached for the sheet, but I was too late. Aunt Cass was standing beside me tilting her head. ‘Steph, I love it, it’s so –?’

  ‘Abstract.’

  ‘Yes, abstract.’

  ‘I’m putting into practice an exercise that Ms Benetti showed us in art class, before she abandoned us to give birth.’

  ‘I’m sure she’ll be back before you know it.’

  I liked the way Aunt Cass offered hope.

  Libby crawled out from under the covers. ‘Hi,’ she said.

  ‘Are you staying for breakfast?’ asked Aunt Cass.

  ‘Thanks, but I have to get ready for school.’

  Libby gave me a hug. ‘I’ll pop in on the way home.’

  Like the first time, Mum had tubes in her nose and a cannula inserted into the back of her hand connected to a drip, but this time she was sitting up in bed when I walked in. I threw my arms around her.

  ‘How do you feel?’ I asked, sweeping her hair back.

  ‘Much better. The nurse said that I have good colour.’

  ‘That’s great,’ I said, relieved. ‘Where’s Dad?’

  ‘With Dr Wong. He won’t be long.’

  Mum reached for my hand. ‘I’m sorry, Steph.’

  ‘Sorry – sorry for what?’

  ‘These are your most critical school years. I don’t want my being sick to impact on you.’

  ‘It won’t,’ I reassured her, and her grip tightened.

  Aunt Cass’s hands moved back and forth on the steering wheel as she drove. She veered off the freeway and headed in the direction of Balmoral beach. ‘Are you hungry?’ she asked as we drove past a row of shops.

  ‘No,’ I replied, watching a group of women with strollers parked doing tai chi.

  Aunt Cass turned into the parking area, nosed the car to the handrail and cut the engine. I waited for her to talk, but she didn’t. She sat there as if she was waiting for the words to pull up beside us.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked. She managed a smile.

  ‘Let’s walk,’ she suggested, taking off her shoes. ‘Are you coming?’

  I followed Aunt Cass’s footsteps in the sand, stopping where the waves washed over our feet, and felt the pull of the current on my ankles. ‘She’s dying, isn’t she? You can tell me the truth.’

  ‘Oh, no, Steph,’ she said, reaching out and pulling me close to her. ‘The doctors won’t let her die.’

  I was afraid for Aunt Cass. All she had in her life was my mum, Dad and me.

  ‘If anything happened to Mum …’

  ‘Nothing is going to happen to your mother.’

  Chapter Eight

  BEFORE LEAVING THE house, I opened my diary. Saturday, meeting Richard at noon outside the zoo shop. Excited. I smiled.

  My shift at Taronga took longer than expected. Rats had invaded the feed bins at Friendship Farm, so they needed to be emptied, refilled and sealed. Boris, the goat, stood watching, his appetite showing in the roundness of his belly. I had my head in the bin when he nudged me. I let out a squeal and surfaced. ‘Don’t do that,’ I scolded and went back in headf
irst. He nudged me again, so I figured that he was craving attention.

  I stood up, dropped the food scoop, dusted the feed from my hair and wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing him closer to me. His ice-blue eyes closed with delight as I rubbed his ear. ‘You’re a sook,’ I told him, as he butted his head against my hip to encourage me to keep on rubbing.

  Rick, the black Cochin rooster, came bursting out of the chicken pen. He was being chased by a white Cochin hen named Rachael. A dozen yellow chicks shot off in all directions.

  I checked the time on my phone: fifteen minutes past noon. I was late! The phone flashed that the battery was low. I freaked because the rule on leaving the house was to be contactable at all times. I thumbed Richard a text:

  Sorry, I’ve been held up. Coming now. Steph.

  I pulled the gate shut and took off running.

  When I arrived at the zoo shop, I couldn’t see Richard. I walked inside, searched the aisles and walked back out. I gave him ten minutes before heading off to the restaurant where Libby worked to find her outside, cleaning a table.

  ‘I thought you were meeting up with Richard?’ she said in her sulky voice.

  ‘So did I. He didn’t turn up, or if he did, I missed him. I was late, but I sent a text.’

  Libby’s boss walked out. ‘Hurry,’ she snapped, ‘we have customers.’

  Libby pointed her detergent bottle in the direction of a swarm of wasps attracted to the rubbish bin beside the table. ‘Do you want me to leave the crumbs for the wasps?’

  ‘Try speeding up,’ her boss added.

  Libby squirted the table and started wiping. ‘Maybe he’s with the girl.’

  I frowned. ‘You never give up.’

  ‘I’m just saying that it’s possible,’ said Libby, watching for her boss as she talked. She hooked the bottle in her apron and picked up a full tray. ‘I have to go. See you when I finish.’

  ‘Dad’s picking Mum up from the hospital. She might be resting.’

  Mum was curled up asleep on the lounge when I walked in. Dad was in the kitchen. I bypassed them, ran up the stairs, put my phone on charge and headed for the shower.

  I couldn’t help but be angry at Richard for standing me up.

  After showering, I checked my phone. The screen was blank. I didn’t want to admit that Libby was right in thinking that Richard had a girlfriend. I was tossing up whether to send him a text or drop it.

  Libby walked in and threw her bag on the bed. ‘What’s the goss? What did Richard have to say?’

  ‘I haven’t called him.’

  ‘I would, and I wouldn’t be holding back.’

  ‘You’re so intense.’

  ‘And you’re not. You all but drowned the boy who stood you up at the Year Ten formal with your milkshake at the mall. What was his name?’

  ‘Geoffrey Baker,’ I said, rolling my eyes. ‘But that was different, Geoff asked me, then took another girl.’

  ‘What makes Richard any different? He stood you up.’

  My phone alerted me to a text. Richard’s name was on the screen. Libby went to glance over my shoulder so I walked away.

  Sorry for not showing up. Mum invited family over, and I couldn’t escape.

  A rush of blood went to my head. I thumbed him a reply.

  It only takes a second to text. It’s called, manners.

  My finger hovered over the send button.

  ‘Well,’ Libby teased, ‘what was his excuse?’

  ‘He said his parents had family over.’

  ‘Or he was with the girl.’

  ‘You’re obsessed.’

  Libby pouted. ‘I am not, I’m only worried for you – there’s no need to be mean.’

  I pressed send. ‘Let’s go.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘The mall.’

  ‘You’re on.’

  We were on the bus halfway to the mall when another text came through from Richard.

  Libby glanced at my phone. ‘Persistent, isn’t he?’

  Yes, it was rude. Let me make it up to you. Do you want to catch a movie?

  ‘What did he say?’ asked Libby.

  ‘He invited me to see a movie.’

  ‘And?’ groaned Libby.

  ‘Would you go?’

  ‘You know I would, but if he stuffs up this time, I’d be turning my attention back to Grant. A movie is a safe first date.’

  ‘Safe?’

  ‘The less that’s said, the more they want another date.’ ‘Is that true or did you make it up?’

  ‘I’m just repeating what Willow told me. We’re going to the beach tomorrow, making the most of the good weather before the summer ends. You never come to the beach anymore.’

  I didn’t bother explaining that I chose not to go to the beach because it didn’t seem fair to go when Mum couldn’t. Unless you understood her affinity with the water, you wouldn’t get it.

  Dad was in the kitchen burning something that smelt like wet socks. I went in search of Mum and found her in the lounge room. She glanced up from her book and waved me over. ‘Where are you off to?’

  ‘The Orpheum.’

  ‘What are you seeing?’

  I knelt on the rug beside her chair. ‘I don’t know,’ I said, glancing up. ‘I didn’t ask.’

  Mum raised her brow. ‘Who are you going with?’

  ‘Richard, the boy I had lunch with at school. I met him the first time you were in the ICU, the day his brother died,’ I said. The air left Mum’s body. ‘I’ve been seeing him for a bit, but only at school.’

  ‘Try not to focus on his grief – it’s kinder to help him move forward. Do you understand what I’m saying?’

  ‘Yeah, I do,’ I said, standing and gave her a kiss on the cheek. ‘Thanks, Mum.’

  ‘When do I get to meet him?’

  ‘It depends.’

  ‘Depends on what?’

  ‘If I decide to see him again.’

  As the bus approached I spotted Richard through the window, standing at the edge of the footpath in front of the Orpheum Cinema with his hands in his pockets.

  I made my way down the aisle and waited for the doors to open. Richard stepped aside and waited for me. ‘Hi,’ he said playfully touching my arm with his elbow.

  ‘Glad you could make it.’

  ‘Not turning up at the zoo was a one-off event,’ he assured me.

  ‘What are we watching?’

  ‘A remake of Tarzan.’ The thought of watching some dude dressed in a piece of cloth swinging between trees didn’t excite me. ‘I’m happy to do something else if you have a better idea?’ Richard offered.

  ‘Have you eaten?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Are you up for a walk?’

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ he said.

  We arrived at the zoo as the overnight visitors were placing their bags in the trailer behind the visitors’ train. I grabbed Richard by the shirt and steered him to the seat at the rear. When we sat, Richard’s long legs were close to touching his chin. ‘We can walk if you like,’ I suggested, and he managed a smile.

  ‘This is cool. I haven’t been on a train like this since I was a kid.’

  The driver tooted the horn and Richard grinned with excitement. The train stopped short of a long row of tents perched on the side of the hill. We only had a short window of time while the guests were shown to their tents. ‘Hurry,’ I told him, scrambling off the train. We took off along the path to the orientation tent where they had tables set up with food.

  I reached behind the bar for a small box, handed it to Richard, then he followed me to a large table covered with platters stacked with food. I drew his attention to the little bread rolls bulging with thick ham and lettuce. ‘Do you want a couple of these?’

  ‘Yeah, sure.’

  ‘One or two?’

  ‘Two.’

  I placed three rolls in the box then went to the fridge, taking out two bottles of water. ‘Peach-flavoured or berry?’

  ‘Peach,’ h
e replied, glancing over his shoulder in the direction of voices. ‘Are you allowed to do this?’

  ‘No, but it’s fun,’ I told him, and we bolted out the side door and across the grass, stopping at a massive boulder that overlooked the city.

  ‘Wow,’ he said as he sat and I placed the box between us.

  ‘So, who was the girl?’ I asked, passing him a bottle of water.

  His eyebrows snapped together. ‘Girl?’

  ‘When you were at the hospital, you had a girl with you … was she your girlfriend?’

  He picked up the water, unscrewed the cap, threw back a mouthful and placed the bottle beside him. ‘Oh, that girl,’ he said. It sounded like a classic line, suggesting that Libby was right. ‘That was Michael’s girlfriend, Max.’

  I hid my relief and handed Richard a roll. ‘Max must be cut up.’

  ‘Yep, she is.’

  ‘Sorry, but I had to ask. I don’t have the headspace for anything complicated.’

  ‘I don’t have a girlfriend, Steph, and if I did, we wouldn’t be sitting here. I don’t cheat … Great spot,’ he went on to say, changing the subject. He jumped when he heard a rustling sound in the bush.

  ‘Ring-ins,’ I told him.

  ‘What’s a ring-in?’ he asked, scanning the darkness of the surrounding bush.

  ‘They’re animals who choose to live in the zoo: wild turkeys, rabbits, foxes, all sorts of creatures.’

  Richard’s eyes bulged. ‘But foxes bite.’

  ‘A fox wouldn’t stop to take you on – you’re too big.’ The small talk had given me the courage to ask how Michael died, but as I was going to speak, Richard leaned over the box to kiss me, catching me unprepared. I pulled away. ‘Do you like the big cats? I think they’re amazing.’

  ‘We’re not going in their cage, are we?’

  I playfully slapped his arm. ‘No.’

  ‘You can’t blame me for asking,’ he sighed, and went back to eating.