Nyssa (Goddess of War Series Book 1)

by Kate Keir

  He didn’t even flinch as I yelled, he just tilted his head to one side, his eyebrows raised almost imperceptibly, and he looked amused. You complete bastard. That tipped me over the edge. The alcohol, the loss of my home, my family, and everything that had happened since I arrived, came down in a crushing rage, so dark I could barely see.

  I lifted the wine cup to my lips and even though I knew it was a terrible idea, I drank it back in two swift swallows and continued. “So, I’m here, my lord.” At this, I dipped into a mocking curtsey. “I’m here to please you in any way you desire.” I walked closer to him as I carried on with my rant. “Am I not good enough for you? Am I not good enough for the Keshkana?” I stopped then, my eyes widened as too late I realised my mistake. Biting my lip, I looked over to where he sat, his dark black eyes fixed on me. I wondered what he would do to me now.

  He sat unmoving for what seemed like an eternity, his eyes holding mine. It should have been impossible for those eyes to look any darker, but they did. They were filled with something that scared me. It was more than anger, it was madness; He crossed the room so quickly, I wasn’t completely sure he hadn’t jumped over his desk. I felt his hand around my throat for the second time that day, and he was driving me back and back until I thumped against the door.

  “You act as though I disgust you.” He didn’t shout. His voice was low, controlled, dangerous. “Every woman who comes to my bed does so willingly. Desperate to be taken by the man who rules Kytara. They are lining the fucking streets of the Capital to be where you are right now, you, ungrateful little bitch.”

  The collision with the wall hadn’t hurt exactly, but it did knock the wind out of me. I was shocked into silence, and we both glared into each other’s eyes. But the wine was making me brave or stupid, and I opened my mouth and started to speak. “If they are lining the streets for you then why choose me if I’m so distasteful to you?” I couldn’t believe what I was saying. I realised with a start I was actually offended he didn’t want me. That made no sense. I should have been delighted he didn’t want to touch me, but he made me feel ugly and that hurt.

  He didn’t reply. Instead he slid his hand down from my throat, tracing the skin that met the V of my dress all the way down until he reached my stomach. Then he trailed his fingers back up my body again on the other side of the V. I hissed in a gasp of air as I felt the heat from his fingertips against my exposed skin. They tickled me and sent a delicious shiver down my spine. His hand ran over my neck, and I felt his fingers wrap around my hair as he tugged my head to one side, leaving my neck exposed. He leaned in close to me, pressing every part of his body against me, and I whimpered, but I couldn’t tell if it was in fear or pleasure.

  He ran his nose along the scented and oiled skin of my neck and inhaled deeply of it. I felt his mouth close down on my neck, and my knees almost buckled as his teeth and tongue teased at my skin. He worked his way along to my jaw-line with his hot mouth and suddenly pulled back a few inches to look at my face.

  Afraid he would be able to see in my eyes the impact he was having on me, I knitted my brows together and called a look of disgust to my face. He paused and lifted his hand as though to touch my face, and I tensed in response.

  The spell broke then, and the look of dark lust in his eyes was replaced by dark anger. He gripped my arms and pulled me away from the door so I landed hard against his chest. Still gripping my wrists tightly, he spoke in a harsh whisper. “I don’t fuck women who don’t want it, girl.”

  I held my breath as he glared at me. It was his turn to be offended now. Good, I thought to myself.

  He studied me for a second longer and then dropped my wrists. Turning his back to me, he said, “Leave. But remember I have little use for a woman who refuses me. I suggest you adjust your attitude ready for when we next meet, Nyssa.”

  I needed no second urging. The wine was wearing off, and the hangover was quickly catching it up. Coupled with what had just happened, I couldn’t wait to get back to the sanctuary of my room. I fled.

  I didn’t want to wake up. I had been dozing in and out of consciousness for the last twenty minutes, and every time I peeled back the covers, the bright sunlight beamed down on to my face, and I would groan and burrow back in to the bed. The throbbing in my head was relentless, and my mouth felt dry, but my body was so weak it took every ounce of willpower to reach out of the warmth and safety of the bed to fill the waiting cup with the fresh juice that had been left for me overnight. Apparently, there were some perks to being imprisoned in this place.

  I swallowed the whole cupful and filled it a second time. Somehow, I managed to sit up and then even stand from the bed. My head went dizzy, and for one scary moment, I thought I would pass out and hit the stone floor, but then the wave of nausea passed and I eyed the balcony door. The fresh air will do me good, I reasoned with myself, but the balcony was so exposed. As I walked toward the window, I caught sight of myself in the mirror and grimaced.

  I was still dressed in the blue gown but that was where all similarity to the image I saw of myself in this mirror before I left last night ended. My hair was sticking up in twenty different places, the beautiful looping design gone, instead replaced by a fuzzy mass of knots. My eye make-up was smeared down my face and onto my cheeks along with the streaks of the tears I had shed as I cried myself to sleep. I thought back to last night and the anger in Lord Odyn’s face as he sent me away from his chamber, and my stomach lurched again. What did I do?

  I opened the door, stepping out on to the balcony and instantly felt better. It was early morning, and the air was still cool enough to help wake me up and soothe away the sting of the hangover. My thoughts shifted back to last night and I glanced up to the large balcony. Thankfully, it was silent and empty. I was alone out here in the calm, fresh air.

  Why did I do that? Why did I drink so much wine? I couldn’t believe I had called him Keshkana. I couldn’t believe I was still here in this room today and not in the dungeons below the castle waiting to have my head taken off. He was so angry, I remembered that. Even in my stupor, I could feel his fury radiating like waves of heat through the room. I remembered him telling me I looked like a whore, and I felt a spark of my own anger resurface. He deserved it. How dare he speak to me like that after everything he had done to me.

  The worst part was remembering the way he made me feel when he rejected me. I hated that he didn’t want me even though I didn’t want him either. All I had wanted was to be out of that room and away from him, and yet I felt the sting of his words as he insulted me, over and over again. I groaned. My head felt like it would explode. What had he done to me? I was tied in so many knots and had no clue what was going on inside my own head. I turned as I heard my door open and Gidren and another woman whom I did not recognise let themselves in.

  Gidren made straight for the bathing chamber. I laughed a little at that. I really did need a bath, and to clean myself up. The other woman stayed in the bed chamber, and as I came back inside and closed the door, she walked to the dressing table and took out a pouch of herbs. She reminded me of Harken, old and grey-haired, and she wore shabby clothing. But her hands were dexterous as she pulled out a small bundle of white flowers and began grinding them into a paste in one of the unused cups.

  Once she was satisfied she poured some water over them from the waiting pitcher. I vaguely noticed there was no wine today, only the juice and this water jug. I cringed when I realised that my behaviour last night had clearly not gone unnoticed. The woman stirred the cup and walked toward me, offering me the drink. The smell was over-powering, and it brought bile to the back of my throat. I raised my hand, palm toward her and shook my head, turning away at the same time.

  As this happened, Gidren walked back into the room and spoke. “You do not want to quicken with child, mistress. This will help you.”

  Oh. I blushed. They thought we did... They thought he had me last night. My face felt like it was on fire, and I began to protest. I needed to explain I wa
s still untouched. Well, mostly untouched. I suddenly flashed back to his fingers trailing up to my neck and his tongue on my bare skin. The feel of the heavy weight of him pressed against my trembling body and the heat that rose inside me made my face flush even redder.

  “Drink.” The older woman said, bringing me back to myself. As I was about to protest again, I thought it better that perhaps these women didn’t know my secret. I took the offered cup and swallowed it quickly, biting back on the urge to spit it out. It was disgusting.

  The old woman left, and shortly after checking my bath Gidren left too, saying she would fetch me something to wear.

  After I had bathed, I dressed in the simple robes Gidren had left on the bed for me. Still feeling a little worse for wear, I walked to a small bookcase in the corner of the room, and choosing one at random, I curled back up on the bed trying to distract myself with the words.

  Hours later there was a knock on my door, and Gidren came in. She carried a tray filled with food and my stomach growled in response to the delicious smell. There was also a pitcher of wine on the tray. I guessed my curfew was over, but I couldn’t even bring myself to look at it yet. I was still feeling a little too delicate for that. As Gidren turned to leave, I felt a sudden loneliness, an urge to have a proper conversation with someone who wasn’t eighty like Bernhardt. “Will you eat with me, Gidren?” I heard myself say as I uncurled and rose from the bed.

  She looked surprised by that, and I thought back to my behaviour last night. She probably wanted nothing to do with this mad woman who couldn’t control her emotions from one minute to the next. I felt guilty for the way I had spoken to her, and I wanted to make it right. “I’m sorry for my behaviour last night. I-I wasn’t myself.”

  She looked long and hard at me, and I studied her face. She was around my age, short and ever so slightly plump, with mousey-brown ringlets that framed her heart-shaped face. She looked like a friendly person, someone I really needed around me right now.

  Pulling out one of the chairs at the dressing table, she nodded and sat. “I will, mistress,” she replied.

  “Please, would you call me Nyssa?” I didn’t want to hear that word anymore. I didn’t need reminding of what I was. Or rather of what I would become when Lord Odyn had his way.

  “Nyssa.” She said it softly and then smiled at me tentatively.

  I poured her a cup of wine and then poured myself a cup of water. I thought she looked approvingly at me when I did it, and I smiled to myself.

  We started to eat, and the food was, as always magnificent. I hadn’t realised just how hungry I was until I started endlessly stuffing the tasty dishes into my mouth. “I hope.” She started to speak and then she paused. I looked encouragingly at her, my mouth full of some sort of mushroom quiche, and she continued. “I hope that you are well today, mist—Nyssa.” She caught herself in time, changing mistress to my name.

  I knew she wasn’t asking after my general health; she meant she hoped he hadn’t hurt me too much last night. I felt the usual shame burn across my cheeks, and then I felt guilty for deceiving her, but I wasn’t ready to talk to anybody about what had happened last night, not yet. “I am well, thank you.” I realised as I answered her, I wanted to know about her. I wanted to know how she had come to be a maid here at the castle, so I asked her and she told me her story.

  Gidren actually came from Heryn, in the north. She had been brought up in a small country town called Mel which was around half a mile from the border Heryn shared with Lerwyn. Heryn and Lerwyn had been at each other’s throats since the start of the war and regularly sent armies into their neighbouring lands to plunder and kill. This was exactly what happened to Mel one day when Gidren was seventeen years old. Unfortunately for the girl and her village, the man leading this particular raid was Lord Faryn Tarnfell, Lerwyn’s Valhar. He was not dissimilar to Lord Odyn. A fearsome man who revelled in blood and violence. He was older than our Valhar, around fifty years in age but that hadn’t slowed his thirst for blood, death, and rape.

  “The villagers didn’t stand a chance.” Gidren’s eyes filled up with tears as she told her story.

  I reached out a hand to her and patted her leg gently, trying to reassure her that it would be all right. This seemed to help a little, and she continued.

  “The soldiers rode into the village and just started cutting people down. They carried torches and lit every building on fire as they passed through. Women were dragged from their houses and raped or taken back to Lerwyn to be used as maids and bed slaves. Almost all of the men were killed, including my father. My mother was taken, and I have never seen her since. I don’t know how I managed to get away but in all of the smoke and the screaming, I found myself at the main road leading to our border with Kytara.

  “I couldn’t walk along the road for fear they would come riding past and take me away, so I kept to the woodland alongside it. It was slow going, and by nightfall, I was exhausted and had probably only travelled a few miles.”

  As she paused to take a sip of wine, I felt sad for her as I realised now that I wasn’t the only one touched by war. So many people had lost those they loved over the years, and it made me sad and angry to think of the lives that had been wasted.

  She began to speak again and I listened closely, wanting to hear how her story ended. “By the time morning came, I was exhausted. I hadn’t stopped moving all through the night. My clothing was soaked from the dawn dew, and I was thirsty, cold, and hungry. Then I heard hoofbeats on the road. At first I lay down in the bushes so they wouldn’t see me. I thought it was Lord Faryn coming to find me. But then I realised that the horses were coming from the opposite direction and although I had no idea who it was, I knew that I was going to die out there anyway so I may as well try and get help. When I saw the cat and sword banner of Lord Odyn Rygard flying over the soldiers heads, I was terrified.

  “I thought they would kill me for sure, but they had seen me, and so I couldn’t run or hide. I didn’t know it then, but it was General Roeseer who dismounted and came over to me. I was so cold and afraid, but he took off his cloak and wrapped me in it when he saw me shivering. When I told him what had happened to me, he looked angry. I thought he was angry with me, but that wasn’t it. He was angry with Lord Tarnfell. I found out later that the reason they were in Heryn was as emissaries from Lord Odyn. Trying to discuss peace terms with our Valhar Astin Verrier.

  “General Roeseer was so kind to me, and he gave me a choice. He told me that they were going to Heryn Castle and that they would take me there and leave me in the safe keeping of Lord Verrier if that was what I wanted. He also told me that Castle Kytara was always in need of new maids and staff and that if I chose it, they would take me back to Kytara, and I could start my life over. That was what I chose. I chose it because I had nothing left for me in Heryn, but I also chose it because the General was kind and I trusted him. I was right to trust him. After he had been to see my Valhar, he brought me here, and I was given a job. I have been here seven years now, and I owe all of them to General Roeseer. He is such a good man.” Her eyes lit up when she spoke of the General, and as she finished her story, she smiled at me. It was a radiant smile. She was happy, and it was all thanks to him.

  I sat staring at her for so long, she started to look worried. She asked me if I was all right, but I just couldn’t piece together what she was telling me. I couldn’t accept that General Roeseer was a good person. I had spent so long hating him for taking my father away to war, it had never occurred to me that he could do kind things too. Even if he had helped Gidren in her greatest need, that didn’t take back all of the evil things he had done to other people. I snapped out of it when Gidren’s worried voice broke the silence. “Nyssa, did I say something to upset you?”

  I reached out to fill her empty cup with more wine and decided that I had taken long enough to recover from last night’s excesses and filled a cup for myself too. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to get drunk again.” I smiled at her as she e
yed me suspiciously. I decided that I had to ask her the question that was burning at the back of my mind. I had to know. “Gidren, has General Roeseer ever taken you to his bed?” I was certain it wasn’t jealousy that made me ask. Although I did wonder at my reasons for asking her the question. I knew that I wanted to know if he did this thing entirely selflessly or if he had done it because he wanted something in return.

  She looked completely shocked and bewildered by my question, and then she answered. “No, no never. He wouldn’t. He isn’t like that. The General doesn’t take women from the castle. He does use the cathouses in the capital. I know that, but he is a man and he has needs. He would never take a woman who wasn’t willing. His family were killed when he was a boy, and I think, I think he just knows how it feels to lose the people that you love the most.”

  That time there was definitely a stab of jealousy in my belly as she talked about Roeseer using the city whorehouses. I ignored it. He’s an orphan of war, I pondered. How can he be so cruel as to take away other people’s loved ones when he knows how it feels himself? This man, his lord, everything about this place was getting to me. I needed to find a way to escape, to get back to my home and my family and fast.

  After Gidren left, I settled back on the bed with my book and a cup of wine. It was easy to pace my drinking tonight as I still felt the effects of the hangover from this morning lingering at the edge of my consciousness. As my window darkened with nightfall, I waited tensely, expecting to be called upon by Lord Odyn. But nobody came for me and I fell into a deep, and dreamless sleep.