Nyssa (Goddess of War Series Book 1)

by Kate Keir

  He froze, as I took in the network of scars which started at the base of his neck and traced their way down over both shoulder blades, covering the middle of his back and then trailing down below the line of his loose linen trousers. The scars were from wounds that must have been hideously deep, and there were hundreds of them. The skin was healed, but in torn and twisted shapes. It was barbaric. My mind went back to my conversation with Bernhardt, and I remembered what he had said to me. “Perhaps one day you will see those scars for yourself, Nyssa.”

  He looked over his shoulder at me, watching me take in the scars that Faryn Tarnfell and his men had given him. Suddenly he turned toward me and opened his mouth, as though to speak. He looked afraid, as though I thought he were a monster.

  I crossed the room to him then and placed a finger on his lips. “Sshhh,” I whispered to him. Then I moved until I stood behind him, and I gently placed my lips to one of his scars. He flinched at first and then sighed heavily as he realised that I was kissing him and not mocking him. My hand rested on his shoulder as I traced my lips over him as though it were a ritual, and after a while I felt his hand search for mine and grasp hold of it tightly. I lifted my lips maybe a thousand times as I kissed every single part of his scarred skin, murmuring soft, sweet words to him as I did.

  When I stopped my kisses, he turned to me and took my face in his hands. His eyes shone with unshed tears, and I felt my own tears mirroring his, on my face. He kissed my forehead and pulled back the bedcovers. Wrapping his arms around me he, pulled me in next to him on to the bed. Eventually he turned on to his side, and fell asleep. I wrapped my arms around him, and I held him that way all night, and when he screamed and thrashed in his sleep I soothed him and shushed him as I carried on kissing the scars on his back.

  I had finally fallen asleep as dawn turned the sky pink. When I awoke, Odyn was already up and dressed. He was sitting at his desk, working, and he looked every inch the Valhar and not the scared boy who had cried his sister’s name in his sleep. When he noticed me watching him from beneath the covers, he smiled, and then rose. He walked over to sit on the edge of the bed next to me. I wasn’t sure what to say to him. I didn’t want to talk about the scars or the sleepless night. I wanted him to be happy today, and so I held my tongue.

  He leaned down to me and kissed my forehead. “Good morning, little goddess. I wanted to take you somewhere today. Will you come?” He didn’t say it excitedly, but almost reverently, as though he were asking me to go and pray at the temple.

  “Yes,” I said. Although, my mind went to Astarin as I spoke. I needed to find him and talk to him. Explain. “I need to go to my chamber and change first.” I told him.

  “Make sure you dress for riding,” he said, as he looked over at my silver gown.

  As I made my way to my door, I wondered where he was going to take me, but I mostly wondered where Astarin was. I desperately needed to talk to him. My room was unguarded. Obviously, they knew I hadn’t stayed there last night. I opened my red door and let myself into the chamber. Walking across the room, I took off the cloak that I had thrown over my silver dress before I left Odyn. Then, I dropped the tiara and the necklace on to the dresser. I turned toward my bathing chamber, wondering if Gidren had been and run me a bath. That was when I saw him.

  Astarin Roeseer sat in the corner of the room. He had been waiting for me. I froze as I saw him looking at me. I wanted to run to him, to throw my arms around his neck and tell him that it was all right. I hadn’t been with Odyn. We just talked and slept, and then I came back here. But as I listened to the words in my head, they sounded like lies, even though every one was truth.

  “Astarin,” I began, but he cut me off. He covered the room in two quick strides and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against his chest and kissing the top of my head.

  “It’s alright Nyssa,” he whispered. “I know you had no choice. I know, sweetheart. When he took you by the hand and led you away, I should have said something. I should have stopped it then. It’s my own fault for letting you go.”

  Relief flooded through me as he spoke. He didn’t blame me; he actually blamed himself, and I didn’t want him to. I pulled back and looked at him. “We didn’t do anything, Astarin. We talked and then we slept. I didn’t let him…” I trailed off, not wanting to say it.

  He looked surprised, but he also looked like he believed me.

  I continued, “He told me that unless I say yes, he won’t.”

  Astarin nodded at that. “Yes, that sounds like Odyn. So even after he threw you a feast and dressed you in clothes worth more than the whole of Kytara, you still refused him. Oh, Nyssa, was he very angry?”

  I answered him truthfully. “No, he wasn’t. He was kind to me. He just didn’t want to be alone. He is a good man, Astarin, and I don’t want to hurt him.”

  He looked serious now. “Sweetheart, do you love him?”

  I stepped back from his embrace, taken aback by what he had asked. Why would he ask me that? “No. I love you,” I replied. Realising too late that I had given him the truth of how I felt about him, I blushed.

  He grinned at me, and I loved him all the more for the boyish smile on his face. “You love me?” he asked.

  There was no point in denying it. I had already told him, so I leaned up to him and placed a soft kiss on his lips. “Yes, I think I do,” I whispered.

  He returned the kiss, gently, cupping my face in his hands. Then he broke it off to say. “I love you too, Nyssa.”

  I almost fell apart hearing him say it. I hadn’t let myself believe it could be true, that he would really feel the same way as I did. I felt so happy in that moment.

  Then his face went serious again. “You’re going out with Odyn, today?” he asked me.

  I wondered how he knew that. “Yes, he asked me to change and meet him. I don’t know where we are going, though.” It was an honest answer.

  “Then I had better not keep you too long. Are you happy to be going out with him?” He looked genuinely curious.

  I was getting a little frustrated by this point. He kept bringing the conversation back to Odyn, and I didn’t understand why. I had already told him I loved him. What else did he want from me? The lack of sleep was catching up with me, and my head felt a little fuzzy. I needed some air, and so I went to the balcony door and let myself out into the morning sun. He followed me as I knew he would. “Why did you ask me if I was happy to be with another man?” I asked him. I wasn’t angry, just a little tired and perhaps paying for the amount of wine I had drunk yesterday.

  He walked over to me and gently took hold of the tops of my arms, turning me to face him. His bright blue eyes were even more startling in the light of the morning sun. Then he said, “Nyssa. I’m not angry with you. I’m just telling you what I see. You hated us both when you arrived here, and now you’ve told me you love me and that makes me the happiest man alive. But, I’ve seen the change in the way you look at Odyn and the way you talk about him. Maybe you haven’t realised it yourself yet, but I think there is more there than you perhaps let yourself believe.”

  His words were dangerously close to the mark, but I wasn’t ready to admit it. Not to myself and not to him, so I defaulted to anger. Pulling away from him, I said, “Are you trying to sell me off to him again? Is that it?”

  He didn’t get angry, he was effortlessly calm. “Sweetheart, you haven’t been playing this game very long, and you’re at a disadvantage because of that. But trust me, I know that you care for him deeply, even if you won’t admit it to yourself. I also know that you’re not just doing it because Bernhardt asked you to.” He winked at me, and my mouth dropped open as he said those last words.

  “How do you know?” I asked him. All traces of anger evaporated from my voice.

  “Because Bernhardt told me what he asked of you. Don’t worry, I made sure he knew that I was furious with him. He had no right to ask it of you, Nyssa, none.”

  I couldn’t believe he knew. “It was because Be
rnhardt asked me to.” I began, but I stopped when I realised that he was right. I had to be honest with myself and with him, so I continued. “To start with, it was anyway. But he’s not what I thought he was. He’s brave and strong and selfless, and I couldn’t bear the thought of him not returning from battle. I don’t want to lose either of you. I want you both to be safe and come home to me, and I know that’s selfish but I can’t help it, Astarin. That’s my truth.” I had tears in my eyes now, and he came to me. He held me as I cried.

  “Sweetheart, it’s completely possible to love two people at once with no slight to either. Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention of sharing you, and when I come back from this battle, I’m going to ask you to marry me.”

  I started as he said those words. But he held a finger to my lips

  “I don’t want an answer now, Nyssa. I will ask you when I come back to you, and I will come back to you, I swear. But for now, do what you need to do and love us both if that’s what it takes to bring me and my brother home again.”

  I wrapped my arms around him then, holding him tightly to me and letting my tears fall freely. “Thank you for understanding,” I whispered. As he held me there, I caught a flicker of movement from the large balcony above us. Looking up, I was certain I saw the retreating figure of Odyn, disappearing back into the dark, cool of his chamber.

  A knock at my door made us both step back from each other. As Gidren appeared, neither of us could help but laugh a little at the sorry figure she cut. She had changed from her evening clothes, but her hair was untidy, and her face was pale. It was obvious I wasn’t the only one regretting my over-indulgence last night. When she saw Astarin, she tried valiantly to look less hungover, but that just made him laugh all the more.

  Turning to me, he said, “Be kind to this one today, Nyssa, I think she’s feeling a little under the weather.”

  She shot him a grateful look as he headed to the door. Our eyes met just before he left, and he nodded to me. My heart lifted. We were alright now. He knew everything, and I could continue to spend time with Odyn and persuade him to come home, without the feelings of guilt that had been hounding me for so long.

  After he left, I told Gidren I needed to get ready to go out with Lord Odyn, and we both drew my bath together. I wanted to help her, as it was clearly a struggle for her to complete her duties this morning. She was definitely feeling worse than I was.

  After I had bathed, I dressed in a dark blue, heavy silk riding dress. I briefly wondered at Odyn’s ability to keep my wardrobe stocked with all of the clothes I would need for different occasions. He was much more attentive than he would have people believe.

  Once I was ready, I gave Gidren a quick hug .“Thank you for helping me today. I know you’re feeling awful. Try and get some rest now, Gidren.”

  She looked relieved as she answered me. “I think I might go back to bed, Nyssa. I feel truly dreadful. I don’t know how you can even think of riding today.” She gave me a wan smile and then headed toward the maid’s quarters.

  I made my way in the opposite direction, and as I walked I wondered at how differently I felt as I traced the familiar path back to Odyn’s chamber. In just a few short weeks, this place had become like home to me. I still thought of my mother and brother every single day, but it shocked me to realise these halls and rooms were starting to feel like where I truly belonged.

  I had found a friendship with Gidren I would never have had time for when I was working at the bakery and helping my mother. I had also been consumed by the fierce protectiveness I felt toward the two men who had come into my life since I left Lyte Harbour. Yes, they had still taken my father from me, and I wasn’t sure I could ever truly forgive that, despite everything I knew. But I did understand why, and if I was completely honest with myself, I didn’t believe I would do anything differently if the saving of Ankh Shdaar rested on my shoulders rather than Odyn’s.

  Arriving at his golden doors, I brought my thoughts back to the present, waiting as the guard opened them and announced me. Odyn came to the door smiling and took my hand. Even garbed in his usual red and black dress armour, he was still beautiful and commanding. I thought of his scars, hidden by his fierce clothing, and I felt a fleeting sadness. But then I returned his smile, and we headed down to the stables ready to leave for our mystery destination. He said nothing to let me know that he had seen Astarin and me together.

  As we approached the stalls, I noticed there was only one horse saddled and waiting. It was Odyn’s huge, bay destrier. I stopped and looked around as though my mount would suddenly appear from nowhere. He laughed then and walked to his horse. “Come little goddess, up you get.” I came to him, allowing him to lift me and place me at the front of the formidable beast’s saddle. Then, without hesitation, he swung up behind me, his arms encircling my waist as he picked up the reins. “Ready?” He was pressed against me, and his mouth almost touched my ear as he spoke.

  I nodded, and he kicked the horse who sprang forward with so much power, I was glad I wasn’t sitting behind him as I was sure that I would have ended up on the floor if I had been. The horse galloped easily, carrying his two passengers, and before long, we were at the boundary of the castle grounds. Without hesitation, the horse carried on almost as though he knew exactly where we were going, plunging into the surrounding countryside. There were a few farmers and traders who saw us pass by, and they nodded respectfully to us as they disappeared in a blur. It felt like we were flying, and the warmth of him as he sat behind me, directing our course, made me feel safe and happy. I laughed out loud, my voice carrying far behind us in the wind.

  I felt his arms tense against my hips as he began to pull back on the horse’s reins, starting to slow him down from the headlong gallop. We were approaching a huge wooded area, and as the horse turned his head in the direction of the outskirts of the forest, I knew that was where we were headed. As we came to a stop just before the first row of trees, Odyn jumped to the ground and held out his hands to me. I took them and slid from the back of the destrier. He caught me as I dropped toward the ground, our faces just inches apart. I looked in to the black pools of his eyes, and it felt as though I were losing myself to him completely. I felt a connection with him I just couldn’t explain. He released me then, breaking the spell, and turned toward the woods. “Come with me, Nyssa.”

  As we walked, he spoke to me. “I wanted to bring you here before I left. In case I don’t come back.”

  I flinched as he said it. All of the worry about what was soon to come came flooding back to me as I replied. “Don’t say that. You will come back. You have to. I can’t lose you Odyn, and you have to come back to become king.” I meant every single word, and the look on his face told me that he knew it.

  “I will do everything I can to come back to you, little goddess. As for me being king? That was never my intention, and I think you know it.” So, his mind was still made up, I thought. How would I ever persuade him that Ankh Shdaar needed him, now more than ever?

  I started to speak, trying to find the words to let him know he had to take the crown. There was no other way for peace. Then suddenly I stopped as I noticed a dark-coloured stone planted in the ground between two trees. It reached up to around three feet high, and it caught my eye as it looked so out of place in the woodland setting. The green of the trees and the moss carpeted floor were dappled by the sunlight which streamed through the canopy above us. The birdsong that echoed through the otherwise silent air spoke of nature and life, but this stone was a complete contradiction to all that was around it. It was dark and brooding and out of place.

  As I took in the mound of turned earth at the base of the stone, I realised it was a grave, and it wasn’t the only one. Looking around properly for the first time, I saw hundreds, perhaps thousands of them dotted between the trees and stretching back farther than I could see. “This is a graveyard,” I said, looking at him in confusion. As we neared the stone, I could see a name carved into the black face. It read Alai
n Craske. I couldn’t understand why he had brought me here, and I waited to hear him tell me.

  “It is a graveyard, of sorts. You’re right.” Taking my hand, he started to lead me through the trees and markers, respectfully walking to the sides of the stones and avoiding the graves themselves. Each one we passed, I read the name. All of them were men. I couldn’t help but wonder who they were and what had happened to them.

  “They were all soldiers once, and every man here fought under my banner at one time or another,” he continued.

  We weaved our way through the graves, and I could see them start to change. The first layer had been freshly dug and laid, but then we came to a second group of stones that were slightly older, the grass and moss starting to grow back over the burial mounds. As we progressed even deeper into the forest, the plots became a lot older. Here there was nothing to tell you that you were looking at graves, except for the stones which sat deep within the thriving woodland carpet.

  “Every man who gives his life fighting for my cause is buried here with honour, Nyssa,” he said as we walked. “I command my men to collect all of our dead after a battle is done, and we bring them back here to rest peacefully for eternity.” He was watching me, waiting.

  My eyes shone with tears as I turned to him and asked. “Is my father here?”

  He gently tugged me in a diagonal direction, and after a few paces, he stopped before one of the older black stones. Engraved in exactly the same way as the first stone I had noticed was the name Geryn Chyme.

  When I read my father’s name, I couldn’t keep my feet any longer. I fell to my knees in front of the marker as the tears flowed freely down my face. Leaning forward, I kissed the cold stone and then rested my forehead against it as I breathed deeply, trying to hold myself together. I felt a hand resting softly on my shoulder, and I knew it was him, the man who had brought my father’s body back from the Battle of the Weeping Stones. He didn’t have to do it, but he chose to because he was, when all else was said and done, a good man.