After the Ashes

by Howe, Cheryl

  “What should I do—marry some man I don’t love? Do you think that will make him happy?” Lorelei glanced up.

  Jay frowned. He appeared almost as sad as she felt. “I wish I knew. If you haven’t changed him, I don’t know who can.” Jay took her hand. “I was hoping he’d meet a woman he was crazy about. One who made him go against everything he ever thought he was. Beth did that for me. She’s the real reason I survived. Her, Alice, and Jason.” He laughed. “Never expected there’d be three more.”

  He winked, but then his smile faded. “I was scared I wasn’t good enough for them anymore, all hacked up the way I was. Guess I thought I wasn’t a whole man. But the thing was, I realized I’m the piece they need. And it’s a special fit.”

  “Do you think I’m the piece Christopher needs?”

  Jay’s frown deepened. “I don’t know if there is such a thing for him. He’s got something missing on the inside. A hole maybe nobody can fix. He’s more wounded than me, really. I healed; I don’t think Braddock will be satisfied until he gets himself killed.”

  Lorelei hated Jay’s words, because they confirmed what she already suspected. “Why? Why is he like that?”

  “He never said it to me, but I could see. Every soldier who served under him who lost his life, Braddock feels like he owes. He tried hard to get himself killed during the war. But instead he was called a hero. His daddy wanted to parade him around after the fighting was said and done, but he wouldn’t have it. He came west and turned his back on the lot of them. Said he wouldn’t profit for what he’d done.”

  “It was a horrible war. Everyone suffered.”

  “But he’d gone to West Point and was trained to be a leader. Once he got in the thick of things, he didn’t like what he saw. Said honor was something for men who didn’t have to wade in the mud or stand on the front line. He was mad as fire once he figured out what war was really like. Since then, he doesn’t believe in much.”

  “He’s honorable. I know from experience. He didn’t have to do what he’s done for Corey and me.”

  “You don’t have to convince me.”

  “Maybe he’ll feel different after he arrests Mulcahy. I’d wait for him as long as it takes.”

  Jay patted her hand, and Lorelei stared down at his thick fingers to keep from meeting the pity in his gaze.

  “There’re a hundred Mulcahys. And there will be a hundred more after that. Sometimes you’ve got to turn away from the Mulcahys and into the arms of a pretty woman.” He lifted her chin. “I haven’t given up on him.”

  “I think you’re right.” She stood. “I’m going to talk to Christopher.”

  Jay stopped her with a light touch on her arm. “He’s got to choose life. You can’t make him or convince him. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “I just want to let him know he has options.” She smiled at Jay. “At least for a little while. Christopher and I are both survivors. We just go about it differently. I plan to have a family again, no matter what he does.”

  Then Lorelei turned and walked to the door.

  “Give him hell, Lorelei.”

  Jay’s words propelled her out the door and onto the porch. She wandered into the dark night with no light to guide her, looking for the one man more lost than she.

  ***

  She found him standing in the moon cast shadow of a small tree, several yards from the barn. He stood with his hands in his pockets. When she reached his side, she saw that he was facing a fenced in square.

  “Jay’s done a lot with this place.”

  She smiled to herself. It was Christopher, the man she knew how to talk to. She touched his arm. “He seems happy.”

  Christopher didn’t pull away, but he didn’t reach out to her either. “He wouldn’t let me know if he wasn’t.” He fell silent for a moment. “I don’t know how the hell he does it.”

  “He has a lot to live for.”

  Christopher nodded. For once, he didn’t seem to be in the arguing mood. “He’s practical, though. Left plenty of room in the graveyard.”

  Lorelei suddenly noticed white crosses dotting the space in the center of the fence. She stepped back, her breath in her throat. “Who?”

  Christopher encircled her waist and brought her against his side. “They’re just graves of birds, squirrels, and a colt that was stillborn. Chris showed me them this afternoon.” Lorelei relaxed against his side, unsure why she was so shaken. She’d seen plenty of graveyards in her life. She’d buried two parents. Her brothers lay under a battlefield in southern Kentucky. But these little crosses seemed worse stuck in the middle of so much life.

  “Why did they bury them so close to the house?”

  Christopher glanced behind him as if to check the distance. “It’s not so close. They planted this white oak when they first moved here. It’s doubled in size, and it’s the only shade for miles. This is a good place to be buried, I think.”

  “Is that where you want to be buried? Under the shade of a tree?”

  “No, I just want to be left where I fall. I want to turn into dust. Blow back into the desert.”

  Lorelei tried to pull away from him. This was not the conversation she had planned to have. “That’s awful. I can’t bear to think of you dying alone.”

  He held her to him. “No. Don’t think about that.”

  “How do you want me to remember you?”

  “As a man who tried to help you.” He tightened his hold.

  “Should I tell my husband about you?”

  He swallowed, then turned his attention back to the little graveyard. “No.”

  Arguing with him didn’t work, so she’d give him a taste of his good idea. “Don’t you think he deserves to know? Some might say I’m soiled goods.”

  He turned to face her, gripping her shoulders. “Don’t say that. It’s not true.”

  She traced the line of his cheekbone. “I said somebody else might think that. I don’t think that.”

  He closed his hand around hers and brought her fingers to his lips. “Good.”

  She forced herself to keep her breathing steady. “How will you remember me?”

  He flattened her palm against his mouth and licked the sensitive center. “As the woman—” He cut himself off.

  Lorelei clamped her lips shut to contain her sudden burst of hope. He meant to say something he didn’t want to say. She waited but didn’t prod. If he felt too vulnerable, he’d close up and their conversation would be over.

  He dropped her hand. “Hell, I won’t have to remember you. I’ll never be able to stop thinking about you.”

  Difficult as it was, she kept up her game. “It must be hard to give me up, then.”

  He wrapped his other arm around her waist and pulled her to him. He stared at her mouth for a long time, then kissed her hard, forcing his tongue past her lips as he pulled her tightly against him.

  Lorelei leaned into him, gave herself over to the kiss in knee-sagging relief. His familiar taste carried her past all the things that had torn them apart.

  But he broke the kiss too soon. “Walking away is easy. Thinking there could ever be anything else between us is hard.”

  “I don’t believe you. The way you kissed me tells a different story.”

  He shrugged, casually disengaging himself from their embrace. “Kissing you isn’t something I have a problem with. I would gladly lay you down right here, in plain view of the house, and make love to you until the sun comes up. It’s what comes after that’s a problem.”

  “Being stuck with me?” She heard the hurt in her own voice, and surely he would hear it too.

  He shoved his hands in his trouser pockets. “Being stuck with you is the good part. Your life expectancy would be the problem.”

  She planted her hands on her waist to keep from swinging at him. “Jay doesn’t blame you for what happened.”

  His defeated calm rippled ever so slightly. “You don’t know about that.”

  “What’s there to know?”
r />   “I don’t want to talk about Jay.”

  “I’m involved in this, too. You’re shutting me out. I gave myself to you.”

  “I never asked you to.”

  The anger in his voice won his argument and silenced Lorelei. She clamped her mouth shut, but the effort couldn’t keep back her words. “I can’t help but care about you.”

  “I told you from the start, I’m not the kind of man you want. I can’t do what Jay’s done. I can’t build a life out of dust and desert, keep working on it year after year, knowing the desert’s going to win. I couldn’t build a graveyard with room enough for my family and keep on going.”

  She moved in front of him and smoothed her hands over his chest. Through his cotton shirt, she could feel the heat of his body and the rapid thud of his heart. “What else is there to do? I’ve buried my share of family, but I’m still here. I still love you.”

  He touched his forehead to hers. “Don’t say that.”

  She rested her palm on his cheek. “It’s true.”

  As if unable to stop himself, he gripped her forearms and pressed his mouth to hers. Gently he slid his tongue against hers, slowing his pace as if memorizing her shape.

  “I can’t do it, Lorelei. I can’t.” His lips hovered so near hers his words spilled into her mouth.

  Their bitter taste told her what her heart didn’t want to accept. He wouldn’t change. He wouldn’t give them a chance. He seemed utterly incapable of it.

  She pulled out of his embrace and stared at the black horizon. “When will you go?”

  He moved behind her and rested his hands on her shoulders. “I know I should see how happy Jay is. But all I can see is the man he used to be. The man he should be now. I don’t know why he stepped on the shell instead of me.”

  She wanted to turn to him. To tell him he was spared so he could save her, but his grip held her in place.

  “Being with you is more than I expected. But if I tried to hold on to it, I’d crush it. Capturing Mulcahy is all I can think about right now.”

  “I’ll wait for you.”

  He kissed the top of her head. “Don’t. I won’t come back.” Lorelei closed her eyes. How could she get through to him?

  If he wouldn’t choose life, she would. She stepped out of his grip and turned to face him. “If I can’t change your mind, I have no choice but to move on.” She forced a smile. “Jay already mentioned your asking him to find me a husband. I told him no, but I’ve changed my mind.”

  When his mouth and eyes simultaneously tugged down at the comers, she didn’t find the satisfaction she had expected from her well-placed blow. “I want to thank you for all you’ve done for Corey and me.”

  He gazed at his boots. “You’re welcome.” When he glanced up at her, his jaw was stiff. “If I can get the information I need from your brother, I’ll be out of here by sundown tomorrow.”

  She laced her hands in front of her, trying to appear calm. Tomorrow. How would she ever survive watching him ride out of her life?

  “I’ll make sure he cooperates. He’ll be glad to see you go.” Lorelei let out her breath. If he thought he could walk away from what they shared, then she would let him know she could too. “Well, goodbye, Christopher.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “I know, but we probably won’t be alone again. I want you to know how much you’ve meant to me.”

  His jaw went slack. He appeared beyond speech.

  The tears were thick in her throat, but she wouldn’t let them fall. She’d already cried too many tears in her life. “You’ve made me realize that I still have hope, even if you don’t. I want a life with a family to love. I didn’t survive just to give up. Thank you for giving me back my dreams.”

  He nodded, but remained silent.

  “Goodbye, then.” She strode past without looking at him again.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Braddock lay angled across the nailed planks Chris and Jason used for a bed. Though his feet still hung over the side, the straw-stuffed mattress was comfortable enough and the soft cotton sheets smelled like sun soaked wind. But that didn’t matter. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Lorelei. The tips of his fingers still tingled when he relived watching her walk away. At least the rest of him hadn’t betrayed him and run after her. But he just hadn’t been able to stop himself from reaching for her as she walked out of his life.

  He deserved to be left. That went without question. Though he hadn’t expected their parting to be so destructive. He felt like he’d been tied and beaten, utterly helpless. Then again, he was supposed to be the one looking forward with her at his back, not the other way around.

  He tried to calm his racing thoughts long enough to listen to the silence of the house. A steady wind blew, rattling a window, calling a hollow tune. But not as hollow as he felt inside.

  Lorelei slept with Alice next door. He strained to hear her, to feel her presence, but she might as well have been back in Kentucky. She had slammed the door on him.

  He would have preferred to sleep in the barn, but Chris had run out and excitedly told him he was going to get to sleep with the horses like Corey and Jason. Braddock didn’t want to break the kid’s heart. Nor did he have any desire to sleep close to Corey.

  Braddock hadn’t returned to the house until well after the last light went out. He had stayed on the fringe of Jay’s yard, feeling like a ghost haunting the place. He could have slept outside. He was more at home on the cold ground than in a quilt-covered bed. But something drove Braddock to a bed that didn’t quite fit. Had he secretly hoped sleeping in the room next to Lorelei would accomplish something? Give him another chance?

  He slung his arm over his eyes, knowing he had. He’d thought he could steal a glimpse of her, soak up her essence through the walls. That wouldn’t be fair, though. He had already taken more than he deserved, and there would be a high price for his thievery.

  Tonight during dinner, he’d watched her with the little girl on her lap and knew that was what she was made for—cradling a child in her arms with that dreamy look on her face. But even if he wanted to be the man at her side, he didn’t fit in the picture.

  He was the outsider at Jay’s table. He had no right to be there. Didn’t they know that if it weren’t for him Jay would be whole? But they all went on ignoring the obvious. Smiling. Laughing. Braddock couldn’t do that. He couldn’t have Lorelei or a normal life because he knew what waited. The darkness that followed him was just a breath away, and it was never him whom it hit. He was just left to pick up the pieces.

  Braddock turned onto his stomach and buried his face in his pillow. He wouldn’t go to Lorelei. No matter how badly he wanted to be something else, he wasn’t. When the door creaked open, Braddock didn’t move. Too many times during the long night he’d imagined Lorelei coming through that door. He wouldn’t turn just to find the room empty, the door shut tight. But this time her presence was unmistakable. He waited, still thinking his imagination was sending out its heavy artillery. Not another sound penetrated the heady silence, but he knew she was there. His heart started to beat more rapidly. She was here.

  He twisted abruptly.

  She stopped a foot from the bed. Her breath whistled through her teeth in an audible hiss.

  He stared at her in the darkness. She wore a white nightgown that reached her ankles. Her hair spilled over her shoulders. He said nothing, fearing that if he did she would evaporate.

  “I thought you were sleeping.”

  He adjusted his weight onto his elbow. “I couldn’t.”

  “I couldn’t either.” She crept toward him until the bed pressed against her thighs.

  He kept his best poker face. Even in the dark, emotions rolled high. An imaginary lamp had been turned up, leaving them both exposed in the sudden glaring light. Every muscle Braddock had was tensed and bunched.

  She glanced to the hooks where the boys hung their clothes. His gun belt was draped on the closest one to the bed
. A lone pistol curled around a fallen group of toy soldiers scattered on the roughly made nightstand. He hadn’t even thought about it, but the slight pull at the comers of Lorelei’s mouth showed him what a strange thing it was to arm yourself for an attack in your closest friend’s home. Not strange to him. That other voice, the one that couldn’t sleep without a loaded gun in reach, told him he should send Lorelei out of the room right now. He didn’t belong around someone like her.

  “Who were you planning to shoot?”

  She had no idea what was out there. What was lurking. She’d seen it, but still she could forget. Coyote Pass wasn’t that far away. He had to be ready for anything, but he was glad she could forget. He let out his breath and licked his lips, readying himself to say the hardest words he would ever have to say, to tell Lorelei to go back to bed.

  But instead he pushed himself to a sitting position and reached his traitorous hand out to her. She didn’t hesitate. She took his hand and crawled onto the bed. He wrapped his arms around her and there was no longer any part of him that wanted to resist. Even the nagging voice of doom, his constant companion, was swept away by the wave of pleasure Lorelei’s nearness brought.

  She laid her head on his shoulder. “I couldn’t leave things the way they were. I’m sorry for how I acted. Hurting you wasn’t my intention when I came outside to find you.”

  Braddock gripped her shoulders and pulled her away to look into her face. “Don’t apologize. I deserved it.”

  She sat back on her heels. “I know how hard it is for you to see Jay. I just want you to know that I do understand. I even understand why you won’t give us a chance.”

  He held on to her hand. How could she be so brave? This conversation was making him ill. “Lorelei,” was all he could get past his suddenly thick lips. She picked up his other hand so both their hands were joined. “I wanted to tell you again that I love you.”

  He felt pinned by her gaze, slugged by her words.

  “I’ll wait for you.”

  “No,” he managed to squeeze past his tight throat.