In This Moment

by Karen Kingsbury

  A quick flip to the last entry and Andy squinted so he could make out the words in the dark. The date was September 6. The first week of school.

  It’s been a year since I started going to the Bible study club at Hamilton and my entire life is different. I’m happy and I have peace. All the anger I felt before about my mom . . . it’s gone. I gave it to God and whenever I think about taking it back I just talk to Him. He’s the best friend ever. Now if there was just some way to tell my dad . . .

  Andy dropped slowly to the edge of her bed and read the entry again and then a third time. This was how Cami felt? Like God was her best friend? And her only problem was figuring out a way to tell him?

  His body began to shake and bile rose up in his throat. Was this what he was afraid of? Cami’s belief that God had become someone she could talk to? Someone who gave her joy and peace?

  Fingers of regret wrapped themselves around his neck and choked the air from his throat. All of this was his fault. Why had he acted so quickly? He had no reason to call the reporter, no need to make such a mess of things. Now the whole world knew his name. Andy Nelson, the man who had sued to stop his own daughter from attending a voluntary Bible study. His actions sounded mean and controlling, even to him. Why hadn’t he seen that before?

  Now he’d lost her forever.

  She hadn’t been in touch once since leaving, and how could he blame her? He closed her journal and set it back on her dresser.

  Andy needed the bathroom again. He rushed out of Cami’s room and barely made it to the toilet. He had nothing left to throw up but the hatred he’d allowed to fester. And that would never leave his system.

  Not after what he’d done.

  From his place hovering on the floor near the toilet, something else caught his attention. The tattoo on his bicep. NO GOD. As if he could just so boldly make the statement that God didn’t exist. Like by permanently saying so, he could undo the hurt his wife had caused him.

  Undo the hurt he’d caused Cami and Ensley and Ellie.

  Maybe if he took a small handful of pills he could go to sleep and never wake up and the world wouldn’t be the wiser. They would find him dead and assume he had died in his sleep. Natural causes. He could take the pills and then hide the bottle. Lie down on the bed and never get up again.

  That way he’d never have to sit in a courtroom opposite his daughter. Never have to take the witness stand in opposition to Cami’s best friend.

  God Almighty.

  He could skip the whole thing if he could just pull it off. Make it look like he’d suffered a heart attack before morning light. He struggled to his feet and slid himself to the sink. He opened the medicine cabinet. Inside were half a dozen bottles. Andy looked at them one at a time. Sleeping pills. Yes, that would do the trick.

  Andy poured a pile into the palm of his hand and hesitated. If only he believed in God. If only the Creator of the Universe could help him the way He had apparently helped Cami. But there was a difference between him and his daughter.

  Cami believed.

  Do it. Get the pills down you.

  He wasn’t sure where the voice came from, but it was there and it meant business. Take the pills. The words practically shouted at him. Andy closed his eyes and smashed the handful of pills into his mouth. A swig of water from the faucet and the pills easily made their way down. There. Now he wouldn’t have to face any of them.

  Especially not Cami. His sweet daughter. The one he’d turned into a public enemy. Andy tried to keep his brain engaged. He didn’t have long. Focus, he told himself. Cover your tracks.

  He returned the lid and placed the bottle of pills back in the cabinet. Then he shut the cabinet door and made his way back to bed. Turn off the light. You have to turn off the light. Already the room was starting to spin. It was all Andy could do to get to the light switch and hit it.

  One last thing. He needed to find his way under the covers. So it would look like he’d simply fallen asleep. Like this was any other night. He stumbled as he made his way to the edge of his bed.

  The place where he slept.

  The place where he would die.

  Somehow he made his way under the blankets and that was all. He couldn’t move his hands or legs, couldn’t turn his head. When they found him tomorrow or the next day, he could only hope he looked normal. So no one would know the truth: That Andy Nelson simply couldn’t take another day. Couldn’t come before the world as Cami’s enemy.

  His head was heavier now, his eyes, too. Andy wasn’t sure when he took his last breath, but his lungs no longer worked and something was pulling at him. Sleep or maybe something else. It took Andy a few seconds to figure it out and when he did, he felt a rush of fear. Like maybe this wasn’t what he wanted. Maybe he wanted to live.

  He could’ve apologized to Cami. Called her up and offered to take her to lunch. Andy could’ve tried to make things right again. Why hadn’t he thought of that before? Now he would never have the chance. Because the thing pulling at him wasn’t sleep.

  It was a terrible, all-consuming darkness.

  19

  Wendell wrapped up the Raise the Bar meeting that Tuesday and met with students for an hour afterward. Their questions were sad and chilling at the same time. Was this the last time they’d be allowed to meet? Wendell didn’t know. Were the police going to show up and arrest people for reading the Bible? Most definitely not. Reading a Bible was a right afforded all Americans.

  At least for now.

  A few of the students told Wendell they weren’t sure they could stay out of their gangs if the club stopped meeting. “This group of kids is my new gang. They’re all I have,” one junior told Wendell. “Please win this case. So we can try to make things right for ourselves. So we can keep learning about our real Father.” The guy had tears in his eyes. “He’s the only Father I’ve ever had.”

  The weight of it all pressed on Wendell’s shoulders and made the drive home feel longer than usual. I need to win this, Lord. Not just for me, but for the kids. Sure, a few of them might find a way to keep meeting. But it wouldn’t be the same. They need a place to meet, a chance to learn about You. What else do they have?

  I am with you, My son. You will not have to fight this battle alone.

  The response drifted across the barren surface of his soul like a warm breeze. There was no guarantee he would win. No promise any of them would win. But God would be with them. Somehow He would see them through. Even if telling students about God became a crime punishable by prison time, Wendell was up for the challenge.

  I can do good here. In this moment. Right, Lord?

  The trial was set to begin tomorrow morning.

  Wendell’s last conversation with Luke hadn’t gone as well as either of them had hoped. Luke had read the presentation folders Wendell put together. He understood the historical foundation for a public expression of faith. He knew the quotes from the country’s founding fathers, and he had memorized the improved statistics at Hamilton High.

  The problem, Luke had reiterated, was precedent. So far Luke hadn’t found any for what Wendell was doing. And common sense wasn’t an argument. Luke had mentioned to Wendell his son Tommy’s insight after a musical he saw. Even though it was interesting and refreshing, Luke still wasn’t sure he could use it as a defense.

  The idea that Wendell was only doing what he’d been hired to do.

  If they won the case, then sure—those things could become precedent for someone else. But typically religious freedom cases were won or lost based on cases that had come before. Luke even talked about Tommy’s encouragement that somebody had set precedent on those previous cases.

  Now it was Luke’s turn to set it for someone else.

  Luke had explained that believing it might happen was akin to believing in a miracle. Wendell had replayed Luke’s words ten times today. Don’t get your hopes up, Wendell. I want you to be ready to lose this thing.

  Wendell was ready. But he wouldn’t go down without a fight.
If he could look in the eyes of those jurors and explain that he had no other option, no other way to reach the kids at Hamilton High, then surely they would listen.

  God would see to that.

  He exhaled long and slow as he pulled his car into the garage and cut the engine. The kids needed dinner. Usually it fell to Jordy to get the meal started. The boy loved cooking. He even talked about opening a restaurant one day. But tonight the job would be Wendell’s. Jordy was headed out for a study group with Cami and a few other students.

  As Wendell walked up the garage stairs he checked the time on his phone. Just after six-thirty. It would be three hours before he could think about the trial again. Dinner and dishes and homework would keep him busy until then.

  And maybe that was a good thing.

  He opened the door and suddenly he was looking into the face of Alicia Harris. “Hi, Wendell.” She took his briefcase from him and stepped aside. “Dinner’s ready.”

  Behind her the children all wore sneaky smiles. Even Jordy. “Surprise!” Their voices came together in the happiest sound Wendell had heard all day.

  Spread out on the table in front of them was baked chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans and a salad. Cooling on the counter was what looked like a pan of brownies.

  The worries of the day and the unknowns about tomorrow faded as the kids came to him. They surrounded him in a group hug. “Do I have the best kids in the world, or what?” He winked at Alicia, who was standing back a bit, smiling bigger than all of them.

  Leah was still in her band uniform. “We made this plan a week ago! Alicia called me and we put together a shopping list.”

  “Alicia bought the groceries on the way over.” Jordy smiled at her and then back at Wendell. “It’s like a pre-celebration. Because we trust God for a victory.”

  Wendell’s heart melted. “Seriously?” He looked from Jordy to Leah as he kissed his older daughter’s forehead.

  “I made the green beans.” Darrell grinned as he made his way closer to Wendell. “Alicia said they’re the best ever.”

  Alexandria giggled. “She snuck a taste.” She looked at Alicia. “Right?”

  “I did.” Alicia ran her hand along Alexandria’s hair. Then she faced Wendell. “We’ve had the best time.”

  Wendell laughed. “Let’s just say this is the highlight of my whole week.”

  “That’s what we thought.” Darrell pulled Wendell toward the food. “Now can we pray? I’m starving!”

  Wendell put his arm around Alicia as they gathered in a circle near the table. Their eyes met and held. They would talk later. But for now he didn’t need words to tell her how grateful he was for her presence, that she was here tonight. Not just because of dinner. But because spending time with his kids meant they had something else to think about beside the trial.

  They had a reason to smile and laugh and serve. All antidotes to fear and anxiety—not just for the kids, but for him.

  Jordy reached out and took hold of his sisters’ hands, one on each side of him. “Can I pray tonight?”

  Again Wendell was beyond touched. How could he feel anything but hope and joy with a family like this? He thought again of the passionate way Jordy had defended his interest in Cami the other night. How God was so very real to the boy. Wendell smiled at him. “Yes, Son. Please.”

  Wendell took hold of Alicia’s hand on one side and Darrell’s on the other. When the circle was complete, Jordy began. “Father, You are always with us. Here and tomorrow and through whatever this week brings. We have already won because of You, and for that we thank You.” He hesitated. “Thank You for this food, and thank You for the best dad any kids ever had. Thanks for Alicia, too.” A smile filled his voice. “It’s good to have her back. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

  They sat at the table and the next hour was a celebration of laughter and conversation. Each of the kids shared something from their day. Jordy got an A on a big paper in English. Leah received a letter from her band instructor promising to recommend her for scholarships when the time came for college. Alexandria decided to audition for the lead in her club’s upcoming performance of Little Women, and Darrell made the basketball team.

  “What about you?” Alicia smiled at him from across the table. She sat between the girls, the way she had done before their breakup. Everything about the dinner felt like something from a dream.

  “Me?” Wendell thought about his day, the somber warning from Luke Baxter, the way his students asked him nervous questions at their club meeting this afternoon. He took a deep breath, grinned at Alicia and then each of his children. “Today was the best day ever because the world’s greatest kids made me dinner!”

  Alexandria bounced in her seat. “Don’t forget the world’s greatest girlfriend!”

  Wendell shared a quick glance with Alicia before he looked in Leah’s direction. He smiled. “Yes, her, too.” He nodded toward Alicia. “Thank you for pulling it all together.”

  After dinner, Wendell worked with Darrell on his science homework and Alicia helped Leah memorize her history flash cards. Through the next few hours Wendell would catch himself watching Alicia, imagining that tonight wasn’t merely her kindhearted way of helping a friend in need.

  But that they might stay like this forever.

  The kids felt the same way, Wendell could sense it. Each of them loved Alicia—the girls, especially. Being a single father was something Wendell worked his hardest at. But nothing could replace the role of a mother figure in the lives of his girls.

  Tonight was proof.

  When her homework was finished, Leah asked Alicia to come to the girls’ room and check out a new lip gloss she’d gotten for her band performance. Not to be outdone, Alexandria clutched Alicia’s hand as the three of them walked upstairs. “I have a new lip gloss too. It’s clear, but it’s really pretty. I’ll show you.”

  Every moment, every bit of homework help and conversation filled Wendell’s heart like nothing in months had. Not until the kids were upstairs getting ready for bed did Alicia join him in the living room. The two of them sat together on the sofa and Wendell played Matthew West’s newest album in the background.

  “What a night.” Alicia’s eyes sparkled. “Just like the kids and I planned.”

  Wendell searched her face. He wanted to remember everything about this night. “Thank you . . . it was amazing. I still can’t believe it.”

  For a while they sat like that, a few feet between them, their eyes locked on each other. Alicia spoke first. “Do you feel it?”

  “Chemistry?” Wendell’s heart was pounding.

  “Yes.” Her eyes held the hint of a smile. “You need that.”

  “Definitely.” Wendell didn’t blink, didn’t look away. He wanted to kiss her, but this wasn’t the time. “You said you’d be my friend.” His voice grew quieter. His heart to hers. “This . . . feels like more.”

  Alicia nodded, but she didn’t look away. “There have been lots of reasons why you and I should only be friends, Wendell.” She pressed her slim shoulder into the back of the sofa. “But now . . .”

  The conversation was easy, like a slow dance. “But now . . . ?”

  “I don’t know if I can be ‘just friends.’ ” Her expression was serious.

  “What about your fear?” He didn’t want to bring it up, but the last thing he needed was for Alicia to relapse. “Are you sure?”

  “Ah, yes. My fear.” Alicia stared at her hands. “I’ll be honest. Some days it tries to come back.” She lifted her eyes to his. Whatever she was about to tell him, she had clearly come prepared to say it. “At the courthouse that day, I was too afraid to go inside. That’s why I met you at your car.”

  “Mmm.” Again he wanted to take her in his arms, tell her she had nothing to be afraid of. Not now, not ever. Instead he stayed focused on her words. “I wondered.” He smiled. “I mean, I was glad to see you. But the parking lot is a strange place to meet.”

  Sorrow filled her eyes. “I know. Ridiculou
s.” She took a deep breath and sat a little straighter. “Anyway . . . I told you I’ve been reading the Bible.” She uttered a slight laugh. “A lot, actually.”

  “Good.” He chuckled.

  The expression in her eyes grew deeper. “I may always battle anxiety, but with Jesus . . . and you, Wendell . . . I will battle it. And I will win.” She shrugged, and as she did, she looked young and hopeful. The way she’d looked when Wendell first met her. Before Jack Renton. A smile lifted her lips. “What could possibly make me afraid?”

  Wendell reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. “Alicia . . . I’ve prayed for this.” He let himself get lost in her gaze. “If you only knew how often.”

  “I’m not afraid anymore, Wendell. Not at all.” Tears shone in her eyes. “Whatever happens this week, I’m here.” She paused. “If you’ll still have me.”

  She wasn’t saying she was ready for a relationship. But this was a step Wendell hadn’t expected. “By my side, Alicia. That’s where I want you. Please.”

  She checked the time on her phone. “I have to get home. The staff at Jackson has an early meeting in the morning. But even when I’m not at court tomorrow, I’ll be here.” She touched the spot over his heart. “Every step of the way this week.”

  Wendell stood and helped Alicia to her feet. As he did, he took her in his arms. The feeling of her body against his was as natural as his own heartbeat. “I’ll picture you. Cheering me on.”

  Alicia stepped back and met his eyes. “Praying for you.”

  Wendell raised his brow.

  “And for the kids at Hamilton.”

  “Them, too.”

  Alicia looked up the stairs. “And for those precious babies of yours.”

  He had no words. Again he pulled her into his arms and held her until he had two choices. Kiss her or let her go. He stepped away. “I’ll remember tonight forever.” He smiled at her. “I mean it.”

  “Me, too.” She leaned close and kissed his cheek. “Can I pray for you? Before I leave?”