The Unfortunate Miss Fortunes

by Jennifer Crusie

  It was the Borgia pendant, a huge rich amethyst, set in silver and looped on a silver chain, the violet catching the light from the setting sun through the window. It felt alive in her hand, and her fears, the ones she thought she’d banished, came rushing back. She put it down on the table, backing away from it. ‘I don’t want it.’

  She was too rattled to realize he’d moved, scooping up the pendant, or she would have tried to get away, but he simply put one hand on her shoulder, stilling her, and placed the pendant around her neck. She could feel the weight settle between her breasts, and it vibrated against her heart, warming it, like a fire glowing inside her. And then he kissed her.

  It was the last thing she expected – the touch of his mouth against hers – and he pulled back, looking as startled as she felt. She stood frozen.

  ‘Ah, shit,’ he said, and catching her face in his hands, he kissed her again.

  It was like nothing she’d ever felt before, and she reached for him, holding on, afraid she might fall. A swirl of color, greens and blues and lavenders, all dancing around in her head as he kissed her, with slow, deliberate thoroughness. Charles preferred closed-mouth kisses-

  But Elric didn’t. He stroked the sides of her face until she opened her mouth for him, and he used his tongue, kissing her with a slow, deliberate care that left her shaking, cold and hot. She had no choice, no thought but to kiss him back, sliding her arms around his neck, pressing her body up against his, the living amethyst between the two of them, between their hearts, and it glowed, burned, sang, as she closed her eyes and let herself sink into the breathless wonder of the kiss.

  She didn’t know what would have happened next if the ferret hadn’t scampered across her foot. She jumped away from him, banging her head against his jaw, and looked around her in dismay. Two ferrets, six mice which should have been white but were instead varying shades of purple, and Pywackt, staring at her in haughty disdain, a deep lavender himself, before he started after the mice.

  ‘You’ve got to stop doing that,’ Elric said. ‘There are already too many rodents in this world.’

  Lizzie ignored him, scooping up the mice before Py could get them. A moment later she was holding flowers in her hands, the same roses that had been residing in the now empty vase, and she realized she hadn’t transformed the silver this time. She stuffed the flowers back into the vase, but by this time the ferrets were a pair of leather shoes once more, though Py seemed determined to prove otherwise.

  ‘That’s a step in the right direction,’ Elric said in a cool voice. At least you didn’t cross elemental boundaries this time.’

  ‘I did that?’

  ‘You did. I, however, was the one who turned them back. I think that’s the first thing I need to teach you. How to undo the messes you make.’

  She would have argued with him, but she had something more important on her mind. ‘Why did you kiss me?’

  He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Maybe you just needed kissing.’

  ‘Don’t do it again,’ she said.

  Except that he really did have the most melting smile. ‘I can’t promise that. But not unless you want me to.’

  ‘Then I’m safe,’ she said firmly.

  ‘I wouldn’t count on it,’ he murmured.

  It made her stomach jump in anticipation. ‘Are you going to teach me or not?’ she demanded, half shocked at her cranky tone of voice. Elric the Magnificent was enough to try the patience of a saint, and she was feeling less and less saintlike.

  ‘I’m going to teach you,’ he agreed. ‘Everything I know.’

  Lizzie wasn’t even going to consider why that sounded so deliciously frightening. All she knew was that she didn’t want to change things, even if she could.

  ‘What?’ Xan said, glaring down at the see glass on the table. ‘The hell you’ll teach her everything you know!’

  A loud sneeze made her jerk up so fast she almost knocked the glass off the table. ‘How did you get up here this time?’

  ‘Well, it wasn’t easy,’ Maxine said, looking perturbed. ‘Somebody had put a brick in the portal, some big ol’ shiny invisible thing, and-’

  ‘What do you want, Maxine?’

  ‘Boy, you look good.’

  Maxine’s eyes were frankly admiring, and Xan was in a place where a little frank admiration was welcome, so she relaxed.

  ‘Thank you. Now what do you want?’

  ‘Is that dress silver? Like real silver?’

  ‘Yes. What do you want?’

  ‘You goin’ out tonight? Like to a party?’

  ‘A gala at the Kennedy Center with a small party of friends afterward.’ With Vincent for the last time. Knowing Elric was near was speeding up the inevitable. Every man paled beside Elric, but Vincent became invisible. And after tonight, all his power taken, he’d be dispensable, too. Used up. Discarded.

  Xan began to feel almost cheerful.

  Maxine sneezed again.

  ‘Maxine, can’t you take something for that?’

  ‘Allergies,’ Maxine said. ‘I’ve always had ‘em, not the regular kind, the doc can’t figure out what I’m allergic to, but it’s worse in here.’

  Magic, Xan realized. I picked the only person in Salem’s Fork who’s allergic to magic. She sighed. ‘Did you have something to tell me, Maxine?’

  ‘Yes. Did you know that Danny knew Dee in college?’

  ‘No, he did not.’

  ‘Well, he said he did,’ Maxine said, as if it were irrefutable.

  ‘He lied to you, Maxine.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Men do that. Was there anything else?’

  ‘Well, he’s not in love with her. I asked, and he said to give him time.’

  Xan sat back. ‘You asked. He just got into town this morning, and you asked if he loved her.’ Maxine nodded. ‘I thought-’

  ‘Don’t think, Maxine. It’s not good for you.’ Xan took a deep breath. ‘Now that you’re here, I have a job for you.’

  ‘Okay,’ Maxine said. ‘You want me to slip him a love potion? I bet you make a great love po-’

  ‘Maxine, he’s her True Love. He doesn’t need a love potion. He’s destined to love her. They all are. I cast the spell to find their real loves. It’s fate. It’ll happen. Leave them alone.’

  ‘Right.’ Maxine nodded. ‘Got it. Still, a love potion. Couldn’t hurt.’

  ‘Maxine.’

  ‘Don’t mess with fate. Right.’

  ‘Someone else is messing with fate,’ Xan said grimly, looking down at the Fortune house. After I expressly told him not to.’ You were supposed to take her powers, not teach her to use them, Elric, you double-crosser.

  ‘Whoa,’ Maxine said.

  ‘The bastard never does anything I want him to,’ Xan said, thinking of all the things she’d have liked Elric to do. ‘Oh,’ Maxine said knowingly. ‘A woman scorned.’

  ‘I beg your pardon,’ Xan said.

  ‘What a dummy,’ Maxine said, shaking her head. ‘You’d have thought he’d have gone for it. I mean, you’re no spring chicken, but you’ve definitely got it going on.’

  ‘Maxine, do you want to die a slow, agonizing death?’

  ‘No.’

  Xan waited for a moment, but Maxine seemed to have gotten the point. ‘Lizzie is at home wearing an amethyst pendant. Get it from her and bring it to me.’

  ‘Amethyst…?’

  ‘Purple stone pendant. Get it.’

  ‘Okay.’ Maxine saluted. ‘Uh, Xantippe?’

  ‘No, you cannot give Danny and Dee a love potion.’

  ‘What about Mare?’

  ‘Jude already loves Mare. Go.’

  ‘What about Crash?’

  Xan stared into the see glass, trying to find Elric. ‘Who?’

  ‘Mare’s old boyfriend. He’s a mechanic who’s living in Italy and he came back to town and proposed to her at the Greasy Fork at lunchtime.’

  Xan turned her head slowly to look at Maxine, standing there in her diner uniform w
ith maxine embroidered over her left pocket. She looked a little more full-breasted than usual and a lot more uneasy. ‘At lunchtime?’

  ‘In front of God and everybody. Mare stood up and announced it.’

  And you waited until now to tell me because…?’

  ‘It was lunchtime,’ Maxine said, outraged. ‘We were busy. And then I forgot. But then Dee and Danny came in for drinks and dinner and I remembered and…’ She faltered. ‘You want me to do anything about Mare?’

  ‘No,’ Xan said. ‘Stay away from Mare. Stay away from Dee and Danny. Your job is to get the amethyst pendant away from Lizzie and stop by the video store and tell Jude-’

  ‘The one who looks like Jude Law?’

  ‘Yes, tell Jude to get to work on Mare, that he’s got competition. I’ll take care of Crunch.’

  ‘Crash.’

  ‘Whatever. Get that pendant and warn Jude.’ Maxine turned to go and Xan got a look at her chest in profile. ‘Maxine, what the hell are you wearing?’

  ‘Push-up bra,’ Maxine said, adjusting her breasts. ‘I’m making all the night waitresses wear them. We’ll get more customers.’

  ‘It’s a diner, Maxine, not the Salem’s Fork Hooters.’

  ‘I bet the tips go up.’ Maxine checked her watch. ‘My break’s over. Gotta go.’

  She disappeared into the portal without so much as a

  ‘See ya,’ let alone a genuflect, and Xan thought about smiting her through the see glass and decided that being Maxine was probably punishment enough.

  She looked back at the glass, worried now. Dee and Danny were still in the diner; she could see their heads bent close together over the table. They’d be fine, they were half in love now and would fall completely by Sunday.

  The glow from the workroom window told her that Lizzie and Elric were there. She ignored a stab of jealousy to focus on the problem: Elric had no business teaching Lizzie to use her magic, but if Maxine got the amethyst it would slow down her learning curve so badly he might get frustrated and just take Lizzie’s power from her. And then take Lizzie, keeping her safe and powerless in Toledo. Xan felt a real twinge at that; being kept in Toledo by Elric would be dark and erotic and mesmerizing, and her hand slipped on the glass just thinking about it; maybe when she was young again – she closed her eyes at the thought, young again – maybe when she had the girls’ powers, Elric would look at her differently, but no, he was meant to be with Lizzie and there were other men, although none like Elric. But then, accidents could happen. And Lizzie might not make it through.

  Of course she was going to do her best to see that the girls survived the loss of their powers. She was their aunt, after all – she only wanted the best for them. But Lizzie was already more frail than the other two…

  No. Youth is enough. Youth and power. Who needs Elric?

  And then there was Mare. Xan could see her through the hideous neon that filled the plate-glass windows of Value Video!!, Jude gazing at her adoringly. He really was attractive, Mare surely would prefer him over some mechanic named Crash. Loud, oblivious Mare, who never stopping clumping around shouting long enough to notice what was going on around her. She was going to be the easiest, if she’d just ignore the mechanic and take the vice president, who had to be far superior…

  She looked down at the diner. Maxine was heading for Dee and Danny again.

  It was damn difficult getting good help for a supernatural power snatch these days. The awe just wasn’t there. She glanced at the time and realized that Vincent would be there soon. It was damn difficult getting good supernatural lovers, too. It might almost be easier being human.

  Don’t be ridiculous, she told herself, and double-locked the portal.

  Dee picked at her mandarin chicken salad and wondered what the hell she’d been thinking. Dinner with Danny James, the most-sensual man she’d ever met? The very man who was threatening her with her past?

  Who was she kidding? She’d been thinking that it was yet another Friday night in an endless series of Friday nights she’d sat home alone while Mare and Lizzie were off having normal social lives. But this one time, she had a chance to throw over the traces just a little. Just enough.

  And she’d enjoyed this last hour. They’d talked about inconsequentials: Danny’s travels, small-town life in Salem’s Fork, popular culture, sports. And Danny had stayed so far away from his true purpose here that Dee had almost been able to think he’d asked her to dinner just because he wanted to spend time with her.

  He finished wiping his hands with the red and white checked napkin and set it down. ‘Well, that was good,’ he said, leaning back in his seat. ‘I can’t remember when I had such a good dinner. Tough to find good burgers in France.’

  Dee looked up from the scattered lettuce on her plate. ‘I’d love to find out someday.’

  He shook his head. ‘I’m still surprised that you haven’t traveled. I mean, you have to admit there was some high living with your parents.’

  Dee just shook her head. She really should have left while she had the chance. ‘We didn’t travel.’

  ‘Can I ask you why?’

  Dinner, it seemed, was officially over. The chicken salad threatened a surprise return.

  ‘You mean you don’t want to talk about travel?’

  His grin was bright. ‘Sure. When we see each other again for fun instead of business.’

  Those images were back, and this time there was no question. He was starring in them. His bare back, his smile, the wash of golden light on his skin, and her at her easel. She sucked in a breath, trying her best to ease her heart rate a little. ‘Again with the lame comeons. Don’t you have anything better?’

  The gleam in his eyes was as amused as it was delighted. ‘You’ll just have to hang around and find out, won’t you?’

  Picking up his second longneck, he took a deep swig, never looking away. And that bead of perspiration just had to slide right down his Adam’s apple. He made her want to laugh. He made her restless and unsure and hungry.

  ‘Do you think your sisters would mind talking to me?’

  ‘Yes.’ The answer was instinctive. She’d mind. How could he possibly appreciate her sisters on such short association? It had taken the people of Salem’s Fork a solid year to look past Mare’s outfits and Lizzie’s shyness to discover the real beauty beneath. And this was the first town where they’d actually felt as if they belonged. Dee didn’t want them hurt again.

  But, oh, hell, it wasn’t her call to make. It hadn’t been for a long while. She shifted her shoulders a bit, trying to work out the stiffness. She shook her head. ‘They were pretty young when my parents died. I’m not sure they’d have much to say. But it’s their decision.’

  Come to think of it, it might be worth the price of admission to see what Mare could do to this guy. He might work for a world-famous author, but she’d bet he’d never dealt with the Queen of the Universe.

  Just that thought soothed her enough to relax again and finish her drink.

  ‘What do you think they’d say about your parents’ deaths?’ he asked. ‘I know you’re aware of the suggestion that their deaths were suspicious, coming on the eve of their incarceration.’

  She should have expected this. It was definitely the wrong time to run out of martini. ‘The coroner ruled that they died of hypothermia. They’d been participating in a spiritual cleansing in the ocean, and stayed in the water too long.’

  ‘You don’t think it was suspicious?’

  Yes. Yes.

  ‘Of course not. My parents were rather notorious for their lack of common sense. They went swimming alone in a cold ocean and lost track of time. I’m just surprised they made it all the way home before they collapsed.’

  In the middle of the foyer. She’d found them there, lying on the floor with Xan bent over them, smiling. Smiling.

  ‘And you disappeared after they died because?’

  Because my aunt had just murdered my parents and was turning her sights on us. It had all been
there in that smile. Only no one else had seen it.

  ‘It was decided that it would be healthier for us to be out of that environment.’

  He considered her a moment, which ratcheted up her nerves. And you don’t think they might have stayed in the water accidentally on purpose?’

  Dee was having trouble breathing again. But then, she always did when she thought of her bright, frivolous, unworldly parents. ‘No. They might not have been the most mature adults on earth, but they wouldn’t have left us on purpose. My mother was upset enough that they had to leave us to go to prison.’

  She’d made Dee promise to take care of her sisters. And she’d given her the jewelry box.

  ‘And have you been here all this time?’ he asked.

  ‘Places like it.’

  ‘Your family took you in?’

  ‘Yes.’

  It didn’t seem to occur to him that she might be lying through her teeth. Before he could continue, Maxine returned.

  ‘Here you are, honey,’ she announced, handing the bill to Danny. Sometime during dinner she’d applied a fresh coat of black eyeliner and, evidently, her Wonder-bra. She was bending way over now, as if she couldn’t quite see over her breasts, which was a distinct possibility. ‘I hope everything was to your liking.’

  Danny reached around to pull out his wallet. ‘I haven’t had a hamburger this good since BillyBurgers closed back home.’

  ‘Then I’m glad Dee brought you here.’ Maxine gave him a little smack on the arm. Maxine smacked everybody. ‘So, you in love with her yet?’

  His smile damn near sent Maxine toppling over. ‘I even offered to have her babies. She was sensible enough to say no.’

  Maxine laughed and gave him another open-handed smack and then turned to Dee. ‘Dee, you tell Mare that Italy is no place for a good American girl like her.’

  Dee found herself blinking a bit stupidly. ‘I’m sorry. What?’

  Maxine perked up, ‘You didn’t know? Crash is back, honey. He asked Mare to marry him and go off to Italy, if you please. She said she’d think about it, but you know that’s no good…’