“I’d like to show you around if that’s all right with you. I tried putting everything in the right place but could really use a woman’s opinion. I have the wiring all figured out, though, thank you.”
He takes my hand in his and guides me into the home. My home. I look around at the other houses and can only imagine what this might look like to other neighbors.
I slow my steps as my thoughts get the better of me. I’m intrigued by Maguire yet unsure of myself. I’m betraying the one I love. I’m throwing away what we had together the moment I cross this line. Maybe it’s an innocent gesture by Maguire to let me in his home, but I know, deep down, this is going to change everything. The last two words hang on the tip of my tongue. Everything’s already changed. I felt like I was in this whirlpool of emotions, people, and ideas pulling me down, trying to push and pull me toward heaven and hell.
As soon as he feels the tension, he halts in place and turns back toward me. Our eyes connect and I know he sees it. I’m vulnerable right now, and he gently rubs his thumb over my hand. Understanding fills those gorgeous eyes.
His voice cracks at first, but he recovers quickly. “Stop overthinking. No one is ever up this early around here, and I have no ill intentions. I swear,” he tells me with confidence.
Nodding slowly, I continue the last few steps until I’m back inside the home where I fell in love. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, taking it all in. There’s a different scent to it now, but I can’t help but smile at all the memories Liam and I had here. As hard as it is to be here, it feels just as amazing for me to take a moment to relive our past.
I hear Maguire to my right, padding over to the kitchen as I take a few more moments in the foyer. “Want something to drink?” he hollers from the other room.
“Coffee? Or juice?”
“I have orange juice. That okay?” I hear the fridge door shut and him opening up a cabinet.
“Yes, thanks.” I come back to the present and head into the kitchen. He has a fancy coffee machine, but it’s unplugged and doesn’t look to have been used. The instruction manual lies to the side of it.
“So you had coffee but decided I didn’t need it—or?” I ask as I tilt my head in its direction. It looks brand new and expensive.
His smile is shy as he responds. “I got it yesterday but haven’t taken the time to figure it out or go out and buy the actual coffee to go in it. So no, I didn’t decide you’d had enough caffeine for the day, I just didn’t want to have to explain how I failed at working it so far.” He hands me the juice and we both take a seat on one of the barstools by the island. Maguire takes a large swig of his drink before setting it down in front of him.
The kitchen’s spotless. Guessing from the pots he has now hanging over the island, I have a hunch he can actually cook. From what I can see, he definitely has good taste. The couch I passed looked perfect to nap on; the art now hanging on the walls is more modern than anything Liam and I ever had. How is he still single?
“What are your plans for the day?” he asks as he props his right foot on top of his knee. His abs are deliciously defined and absolutely distracting.
“Headed to work for a few hours just to check on things.” You need to put a shirt on. I try not to stare, but they’re right below where I’m supposed to look and it’s tempting to keep glancing down, just as a typical guy would do with a set of tits in front of him.
“Sounds casual?” He takes a sip of his drink; the smallest drop lingers on his lips.
“It is. My employees are used to me popping in and out, texting or calling if something comes up. Really, they’re fine without me, but I feel better when I stay updated on each location. What about you?”
“I work from home three days a week. Tinkering with new technology doesn’t have to be in an office cubicle. I’ve come up with my best ideas while lounging on the couch having a beer.” He nods over to the family room where I see a ginormous flat-screen TV and an L-shaped couch that looks like it cost a fortune. But it also looks so soft I’m wondering how I could get over to it and try it out without looking like a creeper.
“Must be nice. I can see why you wanted this home then—huge family room and master, not to mention the backyard. Have you done anything neat back there yet?”
“Sorta. I have my grill, a nice seating area, and a hammock I just put up last weekend. It’s beautiful out there, at least during the fall. During the summer, I plan to have a few barbecues and really tricking it up.”
“Ahh, the perfect bachelor pad. But the hammock?” I chuckle. He has masculinized the home from what I can tell. The hammock seems to be the only thing out of place.
“I can hear the judging tone, Miss. I love lying out there and thought it’d be a nice spot to snuggle up with someone special. Everything I’ve put into the home has its reason. Some might be more bachelor than others, but they’re all thought out,” he says, and I wonder what else he’s added for when he brings a date home.
“So you’re trying to get laid,” I joke.
“What! No. Well, I wouldn’t mind. But I haven’t if you’re wondering.” He stumbles on his words as a flush comes over his face. I can’t help but smile.
“You haven’t? It’s been almost five months since you’ve moved in. That’s a dry spell if you ask me.”
“I have my reasons, just as I’m sure you have yours,” he responds without thinking because, if he had been thinking, he would have realized how hurtful that was.
Without saying a word, I pick up my now empty glass and grab my purse. I shouldn’t have come over.
“Wait! I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, I promise! I just meant that sex isn’t everything. Sometimes we need time. Sometimes we aren’t ready or we’re waiting for someone special. I didn’t mean for it to come across as crass. I swear, Tinsley.” He comes up to me and puts his hands on both of my arms.
Looking at him, I know he didn’t mean it.
“I know. I get it.” A single tear falls from my eye, and he pulls me into a hug. A warm embrace that, for a moment, makes me ache for it. I melt into his arms, forgetting about my past for a moment, knowing full well it’s not right. His chin rests on my hair as my brain goes back and forth with what to do. I want to stay here longer, that’s for damn sure.
His words make my hardened heart crack just a sliver. “I never want to make you hurt, but knowing that I have hurts me. You have a beautiful soul, Tinsley.”
“I do?” I whisper, wanting to believe every word of it.
“Mmmhmm. Let go, don’t overthink.” He pulls away slightly. I look up and thinking about those words, let go, I do.
I tilt my head up and close my eyes. I feel his soft, full lips against mine, slowly, testing me. When I don’t flinch or move away, our lips move together in perfect synchrony. His mouth makes love to mine as his hands move through my hair. I’m lost in his touch, drowning in want. A quiet moan comes out of my mouth, and even though I know it’s wrong, I take just a little more from him, needing to feel this connection again.
“Tinsley.” He groans, and I can feel every hard inch of him.
It’s funny how your mind and body can be so conflicted with each other. You’d think they’d know how to work in harmony, but currently, my body was screaming at my mind to shut the fuck up and the tug of war was driving me mad.
Ten minutes ago, I didn’t even know this position was even an option. Maguire wasn’t exactly forthcoming with his intentions and hell, I’m so back and forth I still don’t know my intentions.
Do I want this?
He takes a step back, and I’m already regretting this whole day. I should have known what I wanted when I crossed the line and stepped into his home with him.
“I think you feel it. I know you are questioning it because it’s written all over your damn face. But deep down, you know this isn’t one-sided.” He heads over to the reclining chair and gets comfortable. I’m left touching my lips, standing alone as I think about his words.
“It’s the perception that you aren’t allowed to feel again. That your heart forever belongs to a man who can’t hold you, can’t comfort you, and can’t be there for you. People are going to talk. They have nothing better to do with their lives. But this? Why ignore what could be?” There’s passion in his voice that I can’t let slide.
I walk over and lie down on the couch, making myself at home.
“Do you know how many willing women there are in Austin?”
“Seventeen thousand, give or take.”
“Huh?” I lift my head up to look at him but lie back down when I see the grin on his face.
“It doesn’t matter when you’re the one who’s on my mind. Every person comes with a past, whether it be lighthearted or heavy. It’s natural to consider your past when thinking about your future.”
“It isn’t just my past. I was ready to start my life with Liam. I can’t forget him, and I can’t act like it hasn’t changed my future because it has.”
He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, our silence at ease. When he does, I learn a new side of him.
“Nora.” He clears his throat, and I immediately sit up, knowing that whatever he’s about to say, I’m going to want to listen. “We’d been together almost a year. This was just a few months after graduation. She had just found out she was pregnant, and I was over the moon with joy.”
Maguire and I weren’t close enough back then to stay in touch after graduation. Everyone seemed to do their own thing, worrying about putting their degree to use and progressing in society. I never thought about his time between graduation and now, really. I just assumed he worked, dated, and maybe had settled down somewhere along the way.
The way he brings up her name doesn’t sound positive. His voice is far away, as he relives the past. When he pauses, I have to know why they weren’t together anymore and where his child was. He’s never brought it up before. “What happened?”
“She became more distant. I tried to give her time, making sure she wasn’t too stressed out and trying to make sure she was eating healthy. She became so detached from me, I knew something was wrong. She had scheduled her second doctor’s visit while I was traveling for work. I rearranged things and made it home in time, but when I got to the office, the front desk receptionist told me that the father was already in the room with her and I’d have to have a seat and wait for them to finish. I thought there had to be some mistake. It seemed like I waited for days. When she finally came out, she was holding my best friend’s hand. I stormed out of the room, not bothering to wait for answers. Just before I pulled into the driveway was when I got the call. They’d been in a car accident after leaving the doctor’s office. Both were killed instantly.” His hands cover his face, crying evident from his shaky voice. My heart hurts for the man in front of me. He seems so strong, so put together.
How selfish of me to think I was the only one with a painful past?
“That’s terrible, Maguire. I know we lost touch after we got out of school, but I had no idea.” Who had been there for him during those months of pain and heartache? I lost Liam, but Maguire lost his pregnant girlfriend and best friend all in one sweep. I’m dying to know whether the child was Maguire’s or his friend’s, but I know it’s not okay to ask right now. He shared a piece of him that he could have easily kept hidden.
Poor Maguire. I have Shannon and Noah to keep me upright, but who did Maguire have? I wanted to console him, to be there for him.
“It’s in the past.”
“But still a part of you today.” I come back.
He looks up at me and gives the smallest smile. I’ve never seen him like this before, his body not composed and confident. His eyes show the pain and conflict, his body more slack, more relaxed.
“It is, but not in the painful way you imagine. Every day I think about how I need to live for them, how I still have a chance to do good, and how never to take opportunities for granted. We have one life, and I’ll be damned if I don’t make it count.”
“I think I’ll get there one day. It’s weird going through this change. It’s barely noticeable at first, but looking back over the past few months, my pain has changed, and I don’t hurt as much physically. It’s still a constant, but I’m able to carry on now, not succumb to seclusion in my room, I don’t want to be alone all the time anymore. Was it that way for you?”
“It’s always hardest when it’s fresh. I went through the stages, and when I started really living again, I hated myself but also was excited about what was to come. Slowly, ever so slowly, I got myself back. Now, it’s just a small bruise where before, it was a deep gash that wouldn’t stop bleeding.”
I think over that last sentence for a while. I had never thought of it that way before, but it fits my situation right now. Day after day, I feel like I’m pressing my hand against my bleeding heart, hoping that it doesn’t bleed out from heartbreak and loss. Some days, I don’t even try to stop the bleeding. I embrace the pain. I deserve it.
Every so often, in small fragments throughout the day, the pain isn’t so bad. It’s manageable like a dull headache. It’s present but not the main concern. Those are the times I can see myself moving on.
It terrifies me.
My brain and body are starting to move on, starting to feel less loss. I scold my thoughts, feeling guilty for feeling okay.
I lie back down, realizing how I could lie here all day and be content. I wonder briefly if it’s because of the couch, the familiar surroundings, or because of the company.
My phone starts vibrating in my back pocket. I pull it out and see Shannon’s name pop up, accepting the call without thought.
“Hey, whatcha up to?” she asks, and I contemplate my answer before going the honest route.
“At Maguire’s hanging out.” Please don’t pry, Shannon.
I hear Maguire shift positions, and I instantly feel rude for answering a call while with him. I hold up a finger and mouth ‘sorry’ to him. His half smile tells me I’m okay, though.
“Then why are you answering, woman?! I don’t know who he is, but you should be breathing heavy and too consumed to answer your phone.” I can hear the smile in her voice. My mouth falls open as I look back to Maguire, having the image pop into my head.
“Ugh. Just because I’m alone with a boy doesn’t mean that has to occur. Can we talk later? I’ll call you after I leave.” I blush when his smile widens, and he relaxes into the chair.
He’s fucking enjoying this!
“I want all the dirty details. Remember, you don’t want cobwebs up in there. Plus, think of it like the tree that falls but no one sees. If people didn’t witness it, it didn’t happen.”
“What? That’s sounds like exhibitionism, and you just said you wanted to know so that’s a fail.”
It takes her a second to come back. “Huh, I guess you’re right. But still, I give you my blessing to live a little. You deserve it, babe. Talk to ya later.”
After I end the call, I look over and can see he is itching to say something.
“Go on. What do you want to say?” I prop myself up so we are facing each other and pull my legs up underneath me.
“Boy?” He spits the word out. “I’m pretty sure I have been a man for a few years, sweetheart.” His voice is light again, all sadness evidently washed away after my little phone conversation. His muscles relaxed.
“You know what I meant.” Why did this man give me that tingling feeling in my stomach?
“She’s worried about you getting laid?” he asks as if it’s the most normal conversation. No laughter, no judging—just normal dialogue.
“Wow. Let’s just skip right to it, huh? And yeah, but it’s not because it’s you. I could have been at my doctor’s office alone, and she would tell me to try it out.”
He holds his hand to his heart, a playful look on his face. “Ouch! Now, who’s the one being harsh?”
“I didn’t mean it that way. She wants
me to find someone again. I know she means well, but it’s scary.” My mind wanders to all the online dating nightmares people talk about, causing an involuntary shudder.
“It is. Maybe you don’t need to necessarily work so hard to find someone. Just let the pieces fall where they may.”
“I think, just maybe, you have a thing for me, Maguire.” I throw the idea out there, biting my lip as I wait for his response. His eyes draw to my lip, and at this moment, I can feel something between us. I just pray he feels it too or my dignity may forever be squashed.
“You think so?” he inquires, playfulness evident in his eyes.
“Mmmhmm.”
“We’re making progress, Tinsley.” His voice is deep, sending vibrations down to my core.
What have I gotten myself into?
Maguire
NOW THAT I’VE gotten a taste, my craving has never been stronger. It wasn’t my intention to kiss her. I don’t want to scare her off.
The chemistry, though, is exhilarating, and I lose my senses when I’m near her.
I shouldn’t have told her about Nora.
She’s smart. It was a risk to open up about my past.
If any good comes out of today, it’s that she sees I’m just as vulnerable as she is. Hopefully, it will lead to her confiding in me and trusting me. We need trust in order for us to grow strong as a couple.
Of all the women, I vow to myself to do things the right way. To take my time and not make any more rash decisions.
She’s worth the extra time, the extra patience.
Back in college, she was the girl who had no clue how beautiful she was. I watched her turn down guys left and right. She had a large group of friends, but I saw her insecurity when she was alone. Reading in the courtyard, she’d drift off and stare out at the trees, watching others walk by.
I dismissed it at first. Other girls were easier, and I hadn’t yet realized the value of delayed gratification. She became the girl I compared everyone else to. The idea of her is what got me off each night I was alone in bed.
Catalyst Page 4
