Tinsley became my obsession, but the timing was always wrong. I watched and waited as she finished school and began dating Liam. Their bond was so strong that for a while, I almost gave up. I was patient.
Nora was my longest distraction, and for a while, I thought she would be enough to pacify my obsession. Before she cheated on me, I could see myself with her and happy enough that I no longer had darker desires. I thought she had fixed me.
Tinsley’s heart blows Nora’s out of the water. Once I realized that, things were simpler.
I can be the man she needs. I can give her everything and have her want for nothing.
The kiss. Her lips are so soft, so submissive. I keep replaying it over in my head.
She fights her feelings, but the shell is breaking.
Tinsley
I’M OFFICIALLY GOING to be thirty at the stroke of midnight.
So damn depressing.
I loved my twenties. In your twenties, you’re still young and everyone knows it. Once you turn thirty, you’re expected to be more of an adult. You’re expected to have your shit together and be on your way in your career and with a family.
I have the career.
Yet I’m alone.
The thought of my eggs starting to shrivel up and turn to dust makes me cringe. All my friends have babies or husbands or ex-husbands. I had an almost husband and the only babies I have around are Shannon’s twin little girls who I steal from time to time but give back once they start fussing too much.
Shannon has the most perfect little girls in the world, Emmie and Charlee. They look entirely too much like their horrible father who left before they were born. At least, he had good looks. They’re almost two and are still in the squeezable, cuddly stage.
My friends and I went out for dinner and drinks two days ago. They all gave updates about their spawn—letting us know what sport they were in now, where they were going for their family vacations, trading stories about potty training struggles, and other nonsense I wasn’t included in.
Four drinks later, it didn’t matter. I was in my own little world, playing some color matching game on my phone, content as could be.
It wasn’t until Shannon nudged me that I was brought back to the conversation, only to realize it had changed to boyfriends and husbands, of which I’m also lacking.
The point is I’m already failing at being a twenty-nine-year-old. All the new expectations of being thirty are exasperating.
Tonight, I’m going to pretend I’m doing just fine and enjoy the night. Noah’s taking me to my favorite fondue restaurant to celebrate turning old.
The truth is Liam has always taken me there on my birthday, and when I told Noah my lack of plans, he stepped up and made us reservations.
Someday, he’s going to make a fantastic husband. Right now, he’ll do for my pretend date as the hostess smiles at the two of us before showing us to our table.
The ambiance is sultry with deep reds and dim lighting, each booth tucked away so there is decent privacy. It’s perfect for dates. We pass by multiple couples, all touching each other in some manner. Hands clasped, his foot grazing higher up her leg, a simple hand on the thigh.
Noah and I are definitely going to be the odd ones out in this place.
“Here’s your table, fitted with a box of chocolate-covered strawberries for the birthday girl. Maxwell will be right with you. Enjoy your dinner.” She politely excuses herself, and Noah is trying to contain his laughter.
“This is where y’all go every year? It’s pretty ritzy for you, Tins.” He stares at the chandeliers hanging around the room and watches as a waiter brings by a tray of seafood and steak to a nearby table.
“I never came here for the romance. We came for the experience. Cooking food together while being able to talk is a different from other restaurants. We have total control over what liquid our food is cooked in and it’s like playing with your food. I mean we get to dip apples into cheese mixed with beer. It’s not your normal thing.” I could go on, but I’m losing Noah to the atmosphere.
“They have many specialty beers.” I regain his attention again, and he smiles. Simple man.
After we order our cheese fondue and salads, the waiter returns with the pot we’re using to cook in and turns on the heat. Noah watches in confusion. I can tell he’s trying to be a good sport for me, but this is new territory for him. If it had been his choice, we’d be at a bar, not mine, watching a game and hanging with the guys.
“We could have gone somewhere else, you know?” I tell him after our waiter’s gone.
“Nah. I’ll just go along with whatever you do. I’ll order my beers, and you do your thing with the food.” He takes a swig of his German beer and closes his eyes in appreciation. “Damn, that’s good stuff.”
“See. That’s why Liam liked it too. So tell me, what’s on your horizon now for women? Taking a break or diving right back in?” I move my legs to sit Indian style in the booth, spreading my dress to cover my legs, not caring about how we look.
“Ehh. I’m not going to go out and search for her. If she comes, she comes.” Looking up, he adds the word, “Hard.” Trying to look serious, he keeps a straight face, but it’s only a few seconds until I’m shaking my head and we’re both laughing.
“You’re ridiculous. Who’d you learn that from? Rodney?” I sip on my overpriced mixed drink as we finish our cheese course; my belly is already starting to feel full. I rub my stomach as if it’ll help.
“I think we can both effectively do the opposite of everything Rodney does and pull out ahead. I forgot to tell you, but the detective guy came to the bar yesterday and talked to Rodney. I came in just as they were finishing up.”
“And? What’d they talk about? Why haven’t they come to me?” It pisses me off that these so-called detectives haven’t been telling me shit. It was my boyfriend and my bar! My fists clench beside my legs as I try to remain calm.
What also pisses me off but I decide not to say anything is the fact that Noah seemingly forgot to mention it before now. Now … where I can’t get too loud or upset because I’d make a scene.
And it’s my birthday.
It’s final. I’ve failed at turning thirty.
Noah had better have something good to say, but I know by the look on his face that I’m in for another blow.
“The detective told Rodney that it seemed personal, but I don’t think they brought up anything new. Asked about the other workers and if he ever saw anything suspicious since he’s one of the few people who works at all three of the bars on rotation.” His eyes are honest but holding back something deeper, more painful. He’s trying to protect me.
“Keep going, Noah.” I focus on even breaths. Nothing he’s said so far is out of bounds. At least Detective Sanchez is still doing his job.
“He asked about you. First, he wanted to know how you were holding up. Then he started asking more general questions about how you and Liam interacted when he was at the bar with you and if we’d ever seen anyone who didn’t like Liam.” Noah lowered his head so I couldn’t see anything else in his eyes.
“Fuck. Really? Liam and I never fought, and we acted as any couple would. And Rodney? He’s always on his phone and not exactly the best co-worker to ask about my habits. You’d be. Did they ask you anything?” This whole case has been unnerving and confusing. They haven’t disclosed much, which pisses me off.
“No. They looked like they’d become buddies. The detective just gave me a head nod as he passed me. I talked to him the first night and maybe two weeks later but after that, nada.”
Questions swirled in my head about where the police were going with it. “I’m going to see him tomorrow. If they’re still talking to people about it and asking questions, that means it’s still active. Maybe I can remember something to help. I feel so useless. I’m just ready for it to be over, with the person behind bars and rotting.”
“Liam didn’t have any enemies. I couldn’t even fathom who would do something s
o cruel and—final to him. Who knows if they’re right, but maybe they’re on to someone.” Noah was right. Nodding my head, I added some more meat to the now boiling pot of broth and threw in some mushrooms.
“How’s your dinner going? You know the food doesn’t have to stay in that long, right?” I ask, trying to move over to lighter conversation. It’s my birthday, dammit!
Noah pulls out two of his skewers; the meat is well done, but it smells heavenly. We picked a broth with red wine so everything we’ve put in has this deep maroon tinge to it. Grinning as if he just pulled his catch of the day, he takes the chunks of meat off the metal and adds two more raw pieces to start cooking.
“I know. I just wanted them to have the flavor from the wine. This is pretty cool once you figure it out. Can we toss in a few of the potatoes?” He looks over at the array of raw food waiting to be cooked, and I wave my hands, showing him he has free rein.
“I’m putting my shrimp next to your chicken. Don’t let me overcook it!” I carefully maneuver my skewers around his. Mine have yellow plastic on the end while his are showcasing a turquoise blue.
“I think your shrimp is molesting my chicken.”
“It was consensual. He wanted it too.”
We both laugh and a weight lifts off my shoulders. This is my new normal.
By the time our dessert course arrives, I look like I have a food baby. Leaning back to stretch, I rub my overly full stomach but also have dark chocolate on my mind. Dark chocolate with caramel and pecans.
“I feel like I’m watching something I shouldn’t. What are you thinking about?” Noah inquires as he twirls around a piece of strawberry into the warming chocolate, not realizing it’s best once it warms up some.
“About how good that’s going to taste in two or three minutes.” He sticks the fruit half in his mouth before halting.
“Why not now?” He bites off a small chunk and looks at the rest of the strawberry as if it’s diseased.
“The chocolate is usually cool for a few minutes. I think it’s better once it’s nice and hot, in contrast to the fruit, brownies, and cheesecake. Just a preference.” I shrug as I pick up a piece of crispy treat and slowly start stirring it into the chocolate. Using the tip of my tongue, I taste it and feel the warmth desired. Popping the entire piece in my mouth, I can’t help the moan of sheer pleasure as I enjoy every bit.
“Now that I shouldn’t have seen. Liam brought you here because of that, right there. A guy seeing his girl do that? It’s foreplay.” Noah shifts in his seat.
I give him the most innocent look I can muster up. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I say as I grab a marshmallow and dip it in the chocolate. I wrapped my lips around it before biting it in half. His glazed over expression is priceless.
“Tease.”
“Manwhore.” I throw back at him.
“Girl—whore.” He stutters out but instantly smiles.
“Really?” I laugh, loving how this night is going. It feels good to just be out and feel semi-normal again.
“I know. That one was weak. But really, this was a good choice for celebrating your birthday.” His eyes roam over his surroundings. Looking around myself, I see the booth Liam and I sat in last year. Another couple is there, feeding each other cheese-covered apples and being stupidly adorable.
“It is one of a kind,” I say, reminiscing. I ache for Liam to be next to me, to be the one making me laugh. I wrap my arms gently around my waist. This was a big birthday for me. The realization of every milestone I’d hit without him here with me came crashing down on me like a concrete pillar. Fast forward to when I had a family, and he wouldn’t be a part of it.
“Tinsley. Are you okay?” Noah’s soft yet calloused hand reaches over and grabs a hold of my arm. “Don’t do that. No sadness today. It’s not fair to you,” he reassures me and settles back down.
“It’s hard.”
“I know it is, Tins. You’re making gigantic strides each day. You’re getting through it, and I hate to see you unhappy.”
“I still feel hollow. Sometimes it feels like he took my heart with him. How do I start over? How do I move on without tearing what we had to shreds?” I let out just over a whisper as my body fights the urge to break down.
“You compartmentalize. Just as you had your childhood and your awkward teen years, you have your Liam years. It’ll always be a part of who you are, but they molded you for what’s next. Find someone who loves you just as hard as he did, who makes you weak at the knees, who makes you a better person. I have no doubt you’ll be okay; you just can’t let yourself live in the past forever. He wouldn’t want that.”
Our check comes and Noah slides his credit card in. Taking a few deep breaths, I think about what he just said and really take it to heart.
“What do you think of Maguire?”
“I’ve met him for all of seventeen seconds? I saw how you acted around him, though. You were blushing when he talked to you at the airport. How does he make you feel?” Noah asks honestly.
I ponder his question for a moment. “I’m scared, yet excited and nervous all at the same time. I’m cautious but willing. He’s been careful not to cross any major lines and has been respectful. We’ve kissed once and hell, that was over a month ago. After that, I think we both realized I still needed a little time for it to feel right. He makes me question if it’s okay to feel again.” I lay it all out there for my best friend, hoping for approval.
“That’s a good start. You’re not committing to him for life. Try it out if you want. He knows about Liam, so he should know to go slow with you.” Noah signs the check, his handwriting pure scribble.
My phone vibrates, and I pull up the new message.
Liam.
My throat goes dry. I forget how to breathe. I stare at the name, thinking about how I needed to be committed because dead boyfriends don’t text you.
“Tinsley? You’re white as a ghost.” I hear Noah’s concerned words but fail to reciprocate. Instead, my eyes gloss over as I prepare myself for what he’s about to say and what I’m about to read. “Fuck. Tinsley. What’s going on? You’re scaring me.”
I slide my phone to his side of the table without reading it. It’s torture either way. If I read it, I give myself false hope. The sense of connection that lies within those messages is a lie. I know it’s not him but hearing his words makes me feel as if he’s closer. It’s tearing me apart. I want to believe so badly that it’s him. That he left a piece of himself with me.
“What the fuck is this?” Noah’s deep voice is laced with anger and confusion. “Who sent this?” Looking up, I see his need to protect me. His eyes darken as his hand clenches around the phone and turns his knuckles a ghostly white. I feel so fragile, as if I’m the one who’s taken every blow. “Who!” he roars when I fail to respond. Seeing Noah this way makes me wonder what-if. He cherishes and protects me, and we’re just friends. What if we were more? His sense of possession and loyalty is enough to make any girl swoon.
“I—I don’t know. Okay? If I knew, I wouldn’t be so shaken up every time I see one.” I lower my head, knowing how I must sound. “I’ve only gotten one before, and I don’t know. I hoped maybe it was some higher power letting me know that Liam was with me.” I don’t even know what this one says. Now that we’re talking about it, I’m itching to bring it up.
“This is personal, Tinsley. Whoever sent this to you knows you. Really well.” Noah points out and slides the phone back to me. I grab the phone as if it’s holding a lifeline. “Who else knows you that well?”
Liam: Happy 30th babe. Enjoy some of those chocolate-covered marshmallows for me.
We’re both quiet for a moment, staring and thinking thoughts we don’t speak aloud. Finally, I break the silence.
“What if?” I ask, but Noah shakes his head. “I know. But it's not as if I post my life all over the internet. I couldn’t tell you who else knew about our birthday tradition of coming here. I think Shannon knows, but she d
oesn’t count.” I swirl a piece of strawberry around the now scorching hot metal bowl, getting all the chocolate I can onto one small piece of fruit.
I blow on the chocolate and stick it in my mouth when I think it’s cool enough. I was wrong and the chocolate burns the top of my mouth.
Being thirty sucks.
Tomorrow, I will be making a visit to see Detective Sanchez. Tonight, I’m holding on to hope.
Maguire
NOAH.
He needs to get the fuck out of my way. Sure, they’re friends, and I get it. He’s messing with my plan, and if he isn’t careful, he’ll be next.
I don’t get how she doesn’t realize he’s head over heels in love with her. Being the best friend and shoulder to cry on isn’t a bad way to slip into her panties now that Liam’s out of the picture. Smart man, if it were any other girl.
Tinsley.
She was a simple crush at first, but over time, she’s become an infatuation. My cock throbs just at the thought of her. Her plump breasts, long legs, soul-searching eyes, and those bitable lips. Tinsley has that hardened innocence about her. Wanting to believe in the good of others but still hesitant to trust.
So far, I’ve played each of my cards perfectly. Each with thorough thought and precision. Not acting too quickly, waiting for the perfect moment.
In a sense, I hope Noah backs away without my assistance. It’s cleaner that way, less suspicious and fewer tears from Tinsley.
I never wanted to hurt her. It was never my goal.
Liam just wouldn’t take the hint, and he had to go. I tossed all types of women his way, hoping he’d stray from sweet, sweet Tinsley, but no, he stayed devoted to a woman who wasn’t his.
She belongs to me. We were meant to be together and I’ll be damned if we don’t have our happy ending.
One day, she’ll put it all together. She’ll realize the measures I’ll go through for love.
Liam wasn’t right for her. If she had done her research, she would have known how terrible of a man he was. He wasn’t fit to start a family with her when he was already a father himself.
Catalyst Page 5
