by Nicky Shanks
At this point, I hardly remember Lucy is even in the room. I chug another mouthful of the nasty liquid and sniffle. The room grows intensely hot so I pull off my jacket, followed by my shirt, baring my chest. Nothing is clear inside my head anymore. Thoughts of Julie swirl in the space around me, but I swat the memories of her away. I want her to mean nothing to me. I can’t afford to think about her this much when it’s hurting me so damn bad.
And then there’s Lucy.
She’s waiting for me to get over my shit and sleep with her.
I take off my boots and socks and throw them to the side. I walk toward her and her face morphs into Julie’s. I can’t shake her; the sunshine she fills my head with pierces my body as I look at her. My fingers reach out to touch her honey hair without hesitation.
“Julie.” I nearly choke. I grip the hair at the back of her head and force her head to tilt up so our lips can meet, but something stops me. Lucy’s face comes back into view. Her eyes are wild with fire as I hold her tightly, and her body trembles as I keep her in the unknown. “I’m in love with Julie,” I say before releasing her.
“Then why are you here with me?”
I know I’m in trouble.
Serious fucking trouble.
Lucy’s lips reach mine and she kisses me in a flash. It feels so…wrong. Her tall body presses against me and I don’t even hold onto her. I regret how much tequila I forced into my body—now I’m barely able to stand up with a girl I shouldn’t even have brought home.
Julie is going to fucking hate me.
“You have to go.” I push her away. “Go home.”
She pouts. “I thought you wanted to have a good time?”
I feel like picking her up and throwing her out, but my phone rings, distracting me. I can hear the faint ringing somewhere inside my jacket, and as I search for it, my eyes well with tears. Julie would know exactly where I stashed my phone—she knows me.
I find the phone after the ringing stops. “Shit.” I see Julie’s name across the screen. I can’t talk to her when another woman is here; I have to get Lucy the hell out.
Harley was right; I’m going to mess everything up with just one stupid, meaningless night. I don’t even know what’s in Julie’s head…or my own, for that matter.
“You have to leave.” I shove the phone back into my jacket. I’m damn near naked; my jeans are even making me too hot. I don’t dare take them off in front of her, though—I’ve done enough damage to myself for one night. “I don’t want you here anymore.”
She doesn’t believe me. “You should relax. Maybe drink a little more?” She struts toward me on her long legs and I take a step backward. “Come on, Oliver, she left you. I’m right here. What’s the problem? She obviously wasn’t woman enough to handle someone like you. But lucky for you, I am more than enough.”
The more she speaks, the more pissed I get. She doesn’t even fucking know Julie—how dare she talk about her like that? It takes all I have left not to pick her ass up and drop her in the hallway so I can shut the door in her face full of smudged makeup. But that’s not the kind of guy I am—drunk or not. I can’t be the other type of guy, either: the guy who blames his infidelities and fuck-ups on being too drunk.
No. This is all me.
Oliver fucking Jackson: Grade-A asshole.
And deep down, I know insulting her isn’t going to make the pain go away.
She reaches me, and her fake fingernails lightly scratch down my chest. I am so fucking desperate to be touched that I don’t push her away this time. For a moment, I start to actually believe what she says. She may be a little right, though. Julie never thought she was good enough for me, and that put a strain on our relationship from the start. In reality, it’s always been me that isn’t good enough for her, and I’m starting to think that’ll never change.
There’s nothing I learn about Julie that isn’t fucking perfect.
Don’t give up on her, Oliver.
“Stop.” I hold her hands in between us. “I can’t do this.”
She slumps forward and I take in a deep breath as I hear her knees hit the hardwood floor with a deafening thump.
This is happening. This really is fucking happening.
I can’t make myself look down at her when I feel her fingers undo the button of my jeans. My dick isn’t getting hard—which I’m thankful for. This validates the fact that I’m not into her, but I still don’t make her stop quick enough for my own comfort.
The room spins out of control. I push her away and wobble to the sofa. I collapse and every ounce of energy I have left washes away. The amount of time I spend worrying about Julie is crazy, but she’s more than worth it.
Lucy groans and plops down next to me. “You’re obviously not into this.”
For the first time since we’ve gotten into the apartment, I smile. She relaxes her thin body into the sofa next to me and we don’t look at each other.
“I’m not a whore,” Lucy says. “I mean…I’m not someone who just sleeps around all the time, just so you know.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Before I met Julie, I wouldn’t have hesitated to sleep with you. It’s just really complicated now. I lo—”
“I heard you. You love Julie.”
The note of jealousy in her voice makes me uncomfortable. I still don’t bother looking over at her; there’s nothing for me there.
She isn’t Julie.
She will never be Julie.
No one will.
I miss her so fucking much. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours and I can’t even function without her. What the fuck has happened to me?
I broke my own stupid fucking rules. These are the consequences.
“Can I ask you something?” Her voice breaks through my thoughts. “What is it about her that makes her mean so much to you? It doesn’t sound like you mean that much to her.”
I scoff. “You don’t even know her.”
“Humor me.”
Before I can answer her, a loud knock on the door vibrates the apartment walls. I panic; I hope to fucking god it isn’t Julie. My life would be over. The knock booms through the apartment again and I leap up from the sofa, ready to punch someone’s lights out. When I fling the door open, I nearly have a damn heart attack.
“Hey, boy,” his gruff voice greets me. “Remember me?”
Mac. My mother’s dealer. The man she disappeared with, leaving me behind.
My mouth doesn’t move. I can’t fucking believe this crackhead is standing in my doorway. His shiny bald head and sunken-in face make me relive memories I’d buried a long time ago. I wait for my mother to come around the corner and scream, “Boo!” but it’s just him.
I find my voice. “What the hell do you want?”
Mac laughs and I want to vomit. I really, really need Julie right now. His solemn gaze focuses on a spot past me, into the apartment. “You ain’t gonna invite me in, boy? I want to meet that little pretty blonde girl you’ve been following around.”
All I can see is red.
Blinding fucking red.
“You leave her the fuck alone, you piece of shit.” Even though I only have jeans on, my entire body flushes with heat and I realize that I’m still drunk. Mac isn’t that much taller than me—the endless drugs that my mother and he pushed into their bodies has made him age a lot quicker than a healthy person in their forties would.
When my mother left us, she’d let Mac beat the shit out of me and leave me for dead…Okay, that’s dramatic—I was able to crawl to the kitchen telephone and call for help. But I was only five, nowhere near mature enough to understand what was going on.
I just knew my mother didn’t love me like I wanted her to.
“You shouldn’t talk to me like that.” He laughs and Lucy approaches from behind, her eyes widening at the dirty man in the doorway. “You never know what’ll happen to you.”
Lucy cowers a little. I know she isn’t Julie, but I have to protect her from him just the same. I can f
eel her shaking next to me. My first instinct is to put my arm around her waist to let her know I won’t let him hurt her.
But she’s not Julie.
I brush my side against hers instead just to give her some sort of comfort; I’m still a little chivalrous no matter who the woman is.
“You better scram,” I bark. The alcohol is flooding my veins more now. “Before I kick your ass and make you leave.”
Mac snorts. “And who do we have here? Got yourself a new bitch, have you?”
I growl at him, but Lucy tugs on my belt loops, trying to keep me from killing him. I don’t want to put her in harm’s way, so I push her backward and start to shut the door in his face. His large boot stops the door from closing. “Nice place, kid.” He snarls and pushes the door open, stepping a few feet into the apartment. “Guess that’s what Grandpa’s money will do for you though. Livin’ the good life.”
I’m too drunk to fight him and win, and Lucy seems to know it.
“Do you want me to call the cops?” she squeaks.
My heart nearly stops completely when I see a second person step into the doorway and enter the apartment. She looks horrible—her skin is gray and cold. She has the same green eyes as me, but they’re lifeless and dull. Patches of her once-thick, chocolate-brown hair have fallen out and the dark bags underneath her eyes make her look dead.
“Hello, Ollie Bear.” She smiles. “It’s been a long time.”
“Look, I don’t know who you two are, but you need to leave.” Lucy crosses her arms over her chest. I silently applaud her for standing her ground, but she has no fucking clue what she’s up against. When people have nothing to lose, they do crazy shit. “I’m going to call the cops in two seconds if you don’t get out of here.”
Mac laughs again and my mother gives him a look to shut the hell up.
“Mother,” I choke. “What are you doing here?”
Her laugh is the same as I remember: scratchy and spine-tingling. I let Lucy clutch my arm as my mother takes a few more steps toward us. I position my body in front of Lucy’s, just in case. Just because she’s not Julie doesn’t mean I’m going to be responsible for someone hurting her. “I’m here to see you, son, why else?”
“You need to leave,” I growl. “I don’t want you here.”
She doesn’t look hurt—she looks annoyed. “Give me the money I’m entitled to, and I will.”
“What money?”
She cackles, and shivers run down my spine. “I know your grandfather left me money in his will; he told me so himself before he died. I want my money, Oliver, and I want it now.”
The floor feels like quicksand beneath my feet. I don’t have much left in me to listen to this shit now that the tequila has filled my veins and destroyed my ability to control myself. “The lawyers read the will. He left everything to me. You weren’t even mentioned in it, so I guess you were misinformed.”
“Then you better find a way to get me some money, boy.” Mac smirks. “Or your little girlfriend here will know what it’s like to lose someone.”
“Mac,” my mother scolds him. “We’re not here to threaten him. We’re here to talk.”
I don’t know what the fuck to do.
“You talked,” I spit. “I listened. I’m not giving you shit, and I don’t want to see your faces anywhere near me or anyone I know, got it?” My defensive stance and bold voice is enough for the two of them to back down and step back out of the apartment.
I shut the door and Lucy is still gripping my arm so tight it hurts. We both stand in silence before we can even make eye contact.
I shrug off her hand and walk back to the kitchen to rummage around in the fridge for more to drink. I can’t stuff anymore tequila in my body or I’ll explode, so I settle for the case of beer that sits on the bottom shelf. One after another, I drown out the bullshit that just happened.
“Do I still have to leave?” Lucy squeaks from across the room. “What if they wait for me downstairs or something?”
“You can stay; I’ll sleep out here.” My words slur, and she knows it’s time to leave me the fuck alone. “I don’t give a shit.”
All I can think about is my mother using Julie to get to me.
I have to keep Julie away from my mother.
I can’t let my mother find her.
I have to keep her safe.
Because if my mother finds her…
I black out before I can even finish that thought.
Chapter Four
Julie
The cold steel building towers over me. I read the sign out front over and over until it’s seared into my brain.
The Rockford Women’s Clinic.
It’s just taunting me, waiting for me to step one foot inside of it so my life can be ruined more than it already is. Oliver isn’t going to forgive me for coming here alone, but I couldn’t bring myself to call him again just to be sent to voicemail. I think about Oliver’s rules as I stare at the building. I made him break his first rule when he fell in love with me. I don’t know how I did it. I don’t know what I did to make him fall so hard. For me, it’s like Oliver is something I’ve been searching for without realizing it. Brandon messed me up so bad that Oliver just got stuck with the dirty job of fixing my broken heart.
And then he kinda broke it again.
But he’s breaking his second rule: Don’t take anything for granted.
He’s taking me for granted.
“Are you going in?” someone next to me says. “They’re really nice inside.”
When I turn my head to look at the girl, a small wave of panic washes over me. She’s young and very pregnant. I see the twinkle in her eye when she rubs the bump on her stomach and smiles. “Just tell them you’re friends with Quinn; they’ll get you in faster.” Her giggle is refreshing and light. Even though the dark bags beneath her eyes tell a different story, she’s upbeat and positive. “I’m Quinn.”
“Julie,” I croak. “You’re really young—”
She giggles again. “Very observant, Julie. I’m eighteen.”
I almost pull her into a bear hug. She’s just a kid…she had to grow up so fast. The world starts spinning so much that I need to sit down. I know I can’t rely on Quinn to help me, but it doesn’t matter—I fall to my knees.
“Eighteen? How can you be so…” I look up at her with wet eyes and so much fear that it’s leaking onto her. “…okay with all of this?” My hands hover over her stomach. “I’m only twenty-two and I’m scared out of my mind.”
Her giggle has changed to a thick and hearty chuckle. Her belly jiggles and she has to cross her legs while standing above me. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, Julie. Things can always get better, right? I didn’t have a job or a family when I got pregnant, and now I have both. I couldn’t be happier. Are you still with the father?” Her eyes travel to my stomach as I stand and try to get my bearings back.
I think I’m going to vomit. “I’m not sure.”
“Well, that’s okay.”
I clear my throat and try to save a little face. “I mean…I think we’re still together; he just doesn’t know I’m here. I’m not even sure I’m pregnant. That’s why I came.”
Quinn shakes her head. “Well, Julie, you have a friend in me.” She squints her eyes and pats my hand. “Good luck in there.” She smiles and gets into a waiting pickup truck. The guy in the front seat is smiling from ear to ear as she approaches; he gets out and helps her inside, looking back at me with the same determined look Quinn has. He nods, silently telling me that everything is going to be okay, and I believe him for a split second. It gives me enough courage to step inside the building and put my name on the sign-in sheet, at least.
When the nurse calls my name, I follow her down a long, white hallway and into a completely cold and sterile bathroom. She hands me a cup and tells me to pee in it before shutting the door. Everything just happens so fast that when it’s all over and the doctor sits in front of me with no hope in her eyes, my freak out
finally begins.
“This was a mistake,” I say. “I don’t even need to be here…what was I thinking?”
“Miss Remington, please sit down.” Her voice isn’t giving me much choice. She raises her penciled-in eyebrows, sending shivers down my arms. “You’ve come this far and now you don’t want to know?”
I nod instantly. “That’s right.”
She sighs and takes a yellow envelope from the top of her desk. “Tell you what. I’ll give you the results and you can look at them when you’re ready.”
I snatch it from her hands and mutter a small “thank you” before rushing from the building. The clinic fades behind me as I make my way to the café where Staci is meeting me. The envelope in my bag holds my entire future inside, and it’s weighing heavily on me. I want to open it in the privacy of the pool house, where I can be alone and cry if I need to. Every time I look over at my bag, I see the corner of the yellow envelope sticking out—taunting me.
I pull into the parking lot of the café and don’t think about anything else but finding Staci. She jumps out of her seat when she sees me, and the envelope’s still peeking out of my bag as I hug her and set it at my feet.
“I’m so glad you called me!” Staci’s bubbly voice fills the air. “How are you?” Her question actually sounds sincere. Then again, Staci and Nora have always been the ones I’m able to relate to the most. “I already ordered mimosas and chicken and avocado salad—I hope you don’t mind. I know you don’t eat meat.” Her lips purse like she has a joke on the tip of her tongue about the meat situation.
I think about Oliver.
“How do you like your meat, Julie?” I hear his voice in my mind.
I sigh. “I eat meat sometimes, just not all the time.” I hold my stomach when it grumbles loudly, and it hurts from the lack of nutrients to digest. I suddenly find myself the hungriest I have ever been in my life—again. “I’m actually trying to stay away from alcohol.” I eye the yellow envelope at my feet.
She snorts and sips the water in her hand. “Why? You’re not pregnant, are you?”
I nearly throw up in front of her.
