by Nicky Shanks
Her eyes widen when she sees my expression. “Are you?” Her gaze trails up and down my body several times. “Holy shit, you’re pregnant.”
I shush her so no one can hear. I don’t know for sure and I don’t want it spreading around town, just in case someone in here knows me or my brother. “I don’t know yet. I have the results in my bag. I haven’t read them yet.”
The waitress brings the mimosas and Staci takes them both, gulping half of the first one down in a single tip of the flute. Her fingers tap on the glass and she snickers. “Well, I guess since you’re eating for two now—”
“It’s not funny, Staci,” I scold her. “This is serious. The first reason being…it’s why Oliver and I aren’t speaking right now.”
“You bet your sweet ass it’s a big deal.” I notice a small twinge in her voice as she finishes her mimosa and starts on mine. “You’re having Oliver Jackson’s baby!”
I look around nervously, and a few women at the table across from us start whispering when she says that. Oliver isn’t exactly a celebrity, but around Rockford people do know him. “Not to mention, he’s completely gorgeous and so totally in love with you,” she continues.
I shake my head and dig into the salad. I eat like I’ve been starving for months—it’s crazy how nothing satisfies me. This uncontrollable empty feeling in my stomach can’t be normal with me only being a few weeks late. Nothing makes it go away. “He’s probably not even in love with me anymore—you didn’t see his face when I told him.”
“What happened?”
I think about my answer. What do I tell her? I don’t even know what happened, really. Everything is just a mess. No one understands Oliver like I do. I know what he wants before he does…I know he wants to be with me and anything that’s a part of me too.
“He sort of…embraced it and then shut me out.” She frowns, and I just shrug. “It was a weird situation anyway, but his reaction didn’t make it any better.”
As I tell her a play-by-play of the story, her eyes widen and my lips are so dry that licking them doesn’t help. “I don’t even know if he’ll answer my calls. I tried, and he sent me to voicemail. He was pretty clear he had nothing left to say to me.”
She laughs and blows a raspberry. “That boy is so in love with you that it kills me. It’s been so obvious since you both walked into the cabin and started making googly eyes at each other. Trust me, your story has a happy ending if I have anything to say about it. Maybe he’s just too busy preparing for an apology to talk.”
Our eyes meet and we both erupt in laughter at the same time. “You are such a bad liar.” I snort and it makes us laugh harder. “But I do appreciate you trying to make me feel better. I just can’t imagine what’s going through his head right now…when I don’t even know what’s going through mine.”
She listens to me rant about Oliver for ten solid minutes without interruption. I can feel her genuine concern for me as I keep talking; that’s something I never felt when I told Nora my problems.
My phone starts to ring, but I hardly hear it over our laughter. “You should get that…it’s been ringing for like five minutes.” Staci shoves salad into her mouth and smiles. When I bend over to search the bag for my phone, my stomach twists and I feel like I’m going to vomit again. I excuse myself to the bathroom and drink some cold water, trying to calm down. I look at my phone.
Oliver.
He left a voicemail.
I think about just deleting it, but I don’t want to be that way with him. He deserves so much more from me than that. I close my eyes and push the button, ready to listen.
“Julie, it’s Oliver. I’m sorry I didn’t answer when you called—I was a little busy. I’m not in a good place right now…I just need a little time to think. Don’t mistake this for something it’s not, because I do love you, Julie. No matter what happens, remember that. I’ll call you in a few days when I’m ready to talk. Again, I love you, sunshine.”
My stomach drops to the floor and the room starts to spin. Somehow, I make my way back to the table and Staci eyeballs me with suspicion. “Are you okay?” She scoots closer so she can whisper. “Did you throw up?”
I chuckle and shake my head. “No, almost. Oliver just called.”
“That was him calling? That’s a good thing, right?”
“I don’t know. He sounded sad. Like really, really sad. He said he needed time and then said he would call me in a few days.” I hand her the phone and let her listen to the message. She replays it twice then hands it back to me, a crumpled look on her face.
“That could mean anything.” She must see the reservation in my eyes. “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I’ll pay for lunch, and you and I are going shopping to cheer ourselves up. Then later on, we’ll open that envelope you’ve been guarding.” Her gaze goes toward my feet. “I don’t want to hear a word about it until then. You need to relax a bit. If you want to open it with Oliver, I understand.”
I smile at her and she hops up to pay our bill. It’s nice to have a friend who takes charge and knows what to do in a situation like this. I feel bad for Nora, still nursing a broken leg in the hospital, but Staci has turned out to be a pretty decent friend too. All I really know about Staci is that her mother was a famous model a few decades ago and her father is a film producer, but they’ve always kept her out of the celebrity limelight. Her gold credit card shimmers next to her manicured fingernails as she slips it back into her clutch.
“The rest of my day is free since my clients canceled. There’s an outlet mall about twenty minutes from here. Let’s go there first.” She winks at me. “I never pay full price for designer anything, Julie. That’s one of the many lessons I have to teach you today.”
I laugh. I have nothing to lose. “Okay, let’s do it.”
Staci pulls me around to dozens of stores in the outlet mall; we shop and have dinner like old friends. It isn’t until the ride home when I really start to appreciate her for who she is. I feel bad for always treating her like she’s just another dumb Rockford socialite when she’s clearly much more than that.
She doesn’t ask why we’re headed to the pool house when we park. We sneak around the house so Randy doesn’t bombard us with questions. I turn on the lights in my little safe haven and Staci’s eyes grow wide. “This is amazing! I wish I had a pool house.” She sighs loudly. “It’s like a huge, rich dorm room in the backyard of your hot brother’s house.”
I roll my eyes. “Growing up, all of my friends thought Randy was cute, but it’s always grossed me out. It still does.” I squint at her in warning.
She laughs. “I think he’s absolutely adorable.”
I don’t want to fuel that fire anymore, so I lower my eyes to the floor, hoping she’ll change the subject. “Do you miss Oliver?” she asks me. “He will come around, I promise.”
“Why should I wait for him to come around?” The anger rises in my throat. “I shouldn’t have to wait. We are together, or at least we were. This is too much drama.”
My eyes fix on the damn yellow envelope.
“Call him and tell him you have the answers,” she says.
I groan. “Fine.” I take out my phone and dial Oliver’s number before even thinking about it. Of course, he doesn’t answer and I get his voicemail, but I don’t leave one. Staci feels bad for me—I can see it in her eyes. She grabs the phone from me, finds his number, and sends a text message.
Julie: Oliver, we need to talk.
He answers almost instantly.
Oliver: I thought I said I would call you in a few days?
I want to cry.
Or throw up.
Or both.
Staci growls and smashes her fingers on the screen.
Julie: What is there to think about? Either you love me or you don’t.
Oliver: You know I love you, how can you question it?
Oliver: You’re going to have to wait for me. I love you.
Staci is pissed at his reply, so I take
the phone and shove it into my pocket. She’s done enough damage already…he doesn’t need anything else to be angry about. But the more I think about it, the more I get furious that he’s acting this way. I take my phone back out and look at it.
Julie: I think you’re scared.
Oliver: I’m not scared. Busy.
Staci sighs. “Too busy to talk to you?”
Julie: I miss you. Can you come over?
Oliver: I miss you, too, sunshine. I can’t see you right now, I have someone here.
My heart sinks and Staci growls louder. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
I shake my head. “I guess that’s that, then.”
“Julie—”
I want to cry. “I guess he doesn’t care after all.”
“Well I care,” she snaps, snatching the envelope from my bag. She hands it to me and sits down next to me. “Let’s just open it without him. You want to know and he doesn’t. Don’t torture yourself anymore, Julie.”
She’s right. I know she’s right. “Okay.” I don’t waste any time ripping it open. I start reading the paper to her out loud, line after line until it’s all gone. I can’t read Staci’s expression like I’d hoped; she sits back on the sofa while I fold the paper up and put it back where it belongs. I can hear her heavy breathing and it calms me a little.
“Are you going to tell him?”
I shrug. “He doesn’t seem to care.”
Her eyes dart from me to the envelope. “Are you okay with what it says?”
I don’t know how to answer her. I don’t even know if I wanted any of it to be real.
“I think you should get some rest,” she says, standing up. “I have more errands to run anyway. I’ll check on you later, okay?” She puts a blanket over me. I cuddle into it and close my eyes, listening to her leave the pool house. I know she just wants to give me space to deal with everything, but the silence quickly suffocates me. I want to read the results again—alone—so I can really let it sink in. I look around for the envelope, but it’s not anywhere near me and I haven’t knocked it down on the floor.
My eyes get wide.
Staci took it.
Chapter Five
Oliver
The sunlight is shining through the curtains, but my head is still completely fuzzy from the tequila. I doze off on the sofa and dream about Julie. I dream about her soft, honey blonde hair next to me on the pillow. I dream of her puffy pink lips and how good they taste when she kisses me. I dream about her thighs, her curves…everything.
Dreaming about her doesn’t help me not to miss her. I don’t stay asleep for long; the same things I love about Julie haunt me in my dreams. I know she was texting me last night, but I’m too scared to look at whatever my drunk self said back to her. I flick my eyes open to stare at the ceiling, but my phone taunts me from the table in front of me. It’s laughing at me because even it knows that I’m fucked.
When I hear shuffling in the bathroom, I frown.
Lucy.
Why the fuck is she still here?
I know I blacked out after my mother left.
She turns on the shower and I almost throw up. No woman should be showering in my apartment except for Julie. This is all my fault. “I have to fucking get her out of here,” I whisper, but I can’t move. The more I try and think about what happened last night, the less I remember. My mother showed up with her dealer—or boyfriend, whatever he is—but it’s something I never thought would happen in my lifetime. I honestly thought she would be dead by now. I remember Mac saying something about a blonde girl and my heart burns with a thousand fires.
They know about Julie.
They’ve seen her. They know what she looks like.
“Fuck.” I jump off the sofa. I smell like sweat and booze, so I let Lucy shower while I change my clothes. My bedroom is in disarray…she’s been through my shit. I notice that the dresser drawers aren’t closed completely. “She better not be wearing my clothes,” I say like Lucy can hear me.
Before I can stop myself, I’m pounding on the bathroom door. The water turns off and it takes a few seconds for her to open the door; I hope to fucking hell she isn’t naked. Lucy starts humming and the steam billows from the shower. A towel is wrapped around her tanned, naked body, and her fire-red hair is tied into a bun on top of her head. Her long legs walk toward me and she winks before disappearing into my bedroom behind a locked door.
I am going to lose Julie for sure now.
How could I do this to her?
I lower my head into my hands and quietly cry. Something is seriously wrong with the way I’ve been handling things…maybe Julie is right. I need to grow the fuck up.
When I hear the door unlock, I push through it, not really caring what the hell she’s doing on the other side. Lucy’s humming gets louder the farther I get into the room. It finally stops when she notices the strained look on my face. “Are you okay?” she asks, but I don’t care enough to answer. All I can think about is Julie and how it should be her in my apartment right now. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. I face her and I almost rip the t-shirt right off her body.
That’s Julie’s shirt. And her jeans. And her shoes.
She’s wearing Julie’s things.
My head spins with so much angst that it’s hard to keep my composure and not yell and scream at her. I wish Julie was here to see that I’m really trying to grow up a little.
“You need to fucking leave,” I snarl. “And you need to take off Julie’s clothes.”
Her tongue finds the outside of her lips. “Oh, you want me to take off my clothes?”
I growl loudly. “Julie’s clothes…. I want you to take off Julie’s clothes. You don’t fucking belong here. Why the fuck are you even still here?”
She snickers and plays with her phone. I can tell she’s in another conversation entirely. Her long fingernails tap on the screen for a few moments until she feels my annoyance. “Whoa, hey there,” she says as I step closer, my eyes dark. I’m blinded by love for someone else. “What’s the matter with you? You told me I could stay because I was too scared to leave after those crazy people showed up.”
I look at her body and nothing inside me ignites.
Because she’s not Julie.
“What happened after those people left?” I demand. “I don’t remember shit after that…tell me what happened.”
She giggles. “You blacked out for a few minutes, woke up, and drank the rest of that tequila, that’s what.”
I’m able to relax a little. “So, we didn’t…”
Her dull eyes meet mine. “I’m not sure I’m following you.” She snakes her long arms around my neck and giggles again. “If you’re asking if we had sex…”
I push her off me and want to punch a damn hole in the wall. “Tell me we didn’t. Tell me we didn’t fuck…please tell me we didn’t.”
Lucy looks a little hurt. “You could at least pretend to remember.”
I fall to my knees instantly. I am such a piece of shit—I can’t fucking believe I did this. Julie deserves better than this…what am I going to do? The colors of the room blend around me until everything fades to black. The fire that burns inside of my body for Julie explodes with such force that I can’t catch my breath. I don’t know who I’m more pissed at: myself or my mother for showing up on my damn doorstep.
“Get the fuck out of here,” I sob into my hands. “You can’t tell anyone what we did, do you understand? I’m not going to lose Julie over some nobody I met in a bar.”
Her eyes narrow. “Well, don’t sugarcoat it or anything.”
“Trust me,” I scoff, “I won’t. You don’t compare to her, not by a mile.”
Lucy scoffs and puts her hands on her hips as I stand up. She’s wearing one of Julie’s tight-fitted t-shirts that is crumpling at the sides, showing her bare skin. I glue my eyes to the wall opposite her. I don’t even want to fucking look at her. I hear her pull her own emerald green dress back on—the zipper creaks an
d I frown. I can’t think of anyone else but Julie and how she’s going to hate me when she finds out.
But maybe she doesn’t have to find out.
“Sure you don’t want me to stay longer?” Lucy winks and throws Julie’s clothes onto the bed.
This bitch cannot take a damn hint.
She licks her lips and runs a finger down my bare chest. I’m still half-naked, wearing nothing but jeans. “You were having so much fun last night…think about how much fun it could be sober and in the daylight.”
I groan and push her off me again. “No offense, but I’m going to pretend like I don’t know you. You literally mean nothing to me…it’s amazing that I even remember your name. I don’t know how much clearer I can be.” I eyeball the front door. “Get. Out.” She doesn’t move, so I grab her arm and escort her to the front door. All I want to do is take a hot shower and wash this mess away. “So, yeah…thanks for stopping by.”
There’s hurt in her eyes. “Look, Oliver—”
I growl at her. “I don’t want to fucking hear it.”
Her lips press firmly together. “I have something to tell you. We didn’t sleep together. I lied.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I scream at her. “Are you trying to ruin my life?”
“You wouldn’t even touch me, if that makes you feel any better.”
I close my eyes and give myself a few seconds to think about this shit. “No, it really doesn’t make me feel any better. What kind of person would do that to someone?”
Me. I’m no better than she is.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I just wanted the attention,” she murmurs. I know exactly what she means. I rub my chin as I walk to the sofa and sit down. “Oliver, please don’t hate me—it really had nothing to do with you. It’s all me.”
I laugh loudly. “First of all, you don’t know me, so don’t use my name like you do. Second, it had nothing to do with me? You must be fucking kidding, right?”
