The Disappearing Girl

by Heather Topham Wood

  I glared at Brittany. I didn’t have her self-assurance, and she knew that about me. I didn’t have the confidence to push Taylor out of the way and drape myself over Cameron. “Britt, leave it alone.”

  Taylor’s giggle carried over to us and we returned to staring in her direction. She had wrapped her arm around Cameron and was leaning into him while her body shook with laughter. Brittany’s eyes practically bulged out. “I’m warning you, Kayla, if you don’t stand up for yourself, I will go over there and pour my drink down her shirt.”

  With a huff, I said, “Fine.”

  Moving across the bar, I stood awkwardly behind Cameron and Taylor while he told a story about one of his campus visits. Taylor said nothing about my arrival, although we locked eyes as I approached. Instead, she inched closer to Cameron and stared up at him with adoration clear on her features.

  Annoyed, I gave her a dirty look before tapping Cameron on the shoulder. Spinning around, his arm snaked out and pulled me close. I felt smug when Taylor was forced to step aside. “Hi babe,” he said and brushed his lips against mine.

  I stayed planted to Cameron’s side while he continued talking with his friends, his arm around me. I shivered as he traced small circles around the small of my back. It distracted me from the deadly looks Taylor lobbed at me each time Cameron showed me affection.

  I wasn’t comfortable with being hated openly. I was unassuming, preferring to stay on the sidelines and observe life rather than go after the spotlight. I’d never had fights with other girls, and I always thought it was silly to rip each other’s hair out over a boy. My old boyfriend, Grant, was quiet and studious, the same as me, and I’d never had to deal with jealousy from other girls.

  As much as I didn’t want to fight over Cameron, I acknowledged that I would. I liked him too much to share him, and I couldn’t be with him if he planned to see other girls.

  An hour later, once his friends had disappeared to order a round of shots, Cameron turned to me and said softly, “Are you okay? You seem a little tense.” He had passed on the shots and only had a couple of beers for the night since he planned to drive us home from the bar. My stomach had been in knots and I barely choked down half my drink.

  “I have something I want to talk to you about,” I replied, tilting my head back to stare up into his gorgeous face. I swallowed hard and marveled over how much he affected me. I was filled with anticipation each time we were together, looking forward to the delirium that took over when he kissed me.

  “Why don’t we leave now? The bar is only open for another hour anyway,” he suggested. At my nod, he kissed my forehead. “I’ll get our coats and start saying goodbye to everyone.”

  Minutes later, we were walking outside toward his car, my steps matching his. The street was quiet with the only sound being my heels hitting the pavement. Cameron cleared his throat. “What’s going on, Kayla?”

  When we reached his car, I stood before him and did an awkward shuffle. Instead of meeting his eyes, I addressed his shoes. “I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you or anything. I mean we’ve only been going out for a couple of weeks …” I trailed off. Squaring my shoulders, I continued. “I’m just curious about whether I’m the only girl you’re seeing.”

  I cowered inside myself within those seconds of silence. I imagined all the ways he planned to let me down easily. I should’ve known my feelings were stronger and he wasn’t ready to commit to being exclusive.

  His hands found mine and he pressed something cold and metallic into my palm. Opening my hand, I saw his car keys. Finally, I forced myself to lock eyes with him and I gave him a questioning look.

  I released the tension in my muscles when I saw his grin. Gripping the back of my neck, he pulled me forward for a searing kiss. As our lips parted, he said, “I want you to drive us back to the dorm.”

  The corners of my mouth lifted, and I demanded disbelievingly, “You’re going to let me drive your car?” I cut a glance to the Mustang and my heart picked up. I desperately wanted to be behind the wheel. The thrill of speeding through town in his beloved car made me forget Cameron hadn’t answered my question.

  “Yes, but I don’t let just anyone drive it. I’m only letting my girlfriend,” he said. “So, what do you say? Would you be willing to date only me?”

  The tension of his jaw betrayed his confident tone. He wanted to be with me as much as I wanted him. Lacing my fingers behind his back, I pressed my body against his chest. I could feel every hard ridge beneath the fabric of his shirt and my desire for him spiked. I hadn’t seen him without his shirt on, and I looked forward to the opportunity.

  “Cameron Bennett, I’d love to be your girl.” My smile was in my voice and I felt lighter suddenly.

  After a gentle kiss on the mouth, he opened the driver’s side door for me. With a squeal, I catapulted into the driver’s seat. When he got in, he adjusted the seat and mirrors for me. “You’re fine to drive, right? I only saw you with that one drink, but I don’t want you driving if you had any more.”

  “Yes, I’m sober,” I said and sent him a mock indignant look. “You’re not trying to renege on your promise to let me drive, are you?”

  “Of course not,” he asserted and squeezed my knee. “Besides, you look hot behind the wheel of my car.” He pointed to the stick shift and asked, “Do you know how to drive a stick?”

  “Yes, I was taught to drive on a car with a manual transmission.”

  I exaggerated my smile as I turned the ignition key. The rumble of the car’s engine was satisfying as I revved the engine. Tires squealed when I popped the clutch and pressed down on the gas pedal. As the car shot away from the curb, Cameron laughed heartily. “We’re not drag racing, babe, you can slow it down.”

  “No way, I’ve been dying to drive this car since I saw it and I’m going to make the most of it.”

  Cameron put his hands up in defeat. “Fine with me, but remember I warned you if we get pulled over.”

  I smiled to myself as I shifted into gear and raced through the deserted streets. My father had loved classic cars and had been the one to teach me how to drive a stick shift when I was sixteen. He would’ve loved to see me driving Cameron’s car, and I was wistful when I thought about how much my father would’ve approved of the man sitting next to me.

  I wanted to feel this way always: fearless, the doubts lifted from my conscience. Bliss was within my grasp, and I had only to learn how to hold onto it forever.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Why don’t you tell him no? I always blow off Kurt when he asks me to work out,” Brittany said as I dressed for my jog with Cameron.

  “Doesn’t he remind you of how the two of you met when you refuse?”

  “Yes, and I’m honest about it. I was only at the gym to meet guys.”

  Jessica poked her head in. “I hope you have layers on. You’ll get overheated running in the sweatshirt. Here’s my armband case to hold your iPod,” she said and handed me the black holder.

  “Thanks,” I said, tightening my shoelaces. I stretched for a minute and jumped up and down in place. “I didn’t realize Cameron ran daily until he invited me to come with him. I figured he was naturally that hot.”

  Brittany snorted. “Very unlikely. I think that only happens in the movies. If Cam looks that damn good, he’s working for it. Kurt’s at the gym every day and gulping down protein shakes between meals.”

  “He’s not the only one,” Jessica mumbled. “If you’re still together, I swear Kurt’s banned from the dorm during finals. Every night he stays over, it sounds like an animal that needs to be put out of its misery.”

  “Sorry I’m the only one with an active sex life in this dorm.” Brittany gave me a challenging stare.

  “Really, Kayla? You haven’t slept with Cameron yet?” Jessica asked. I shook my head, and she said, “I think that’s cool. Why rush it? You only get one first time with a person, it should be special.”

  Brittany shook her head in disgust. “Ro
mantic drivel. What if he’s crap in bed? You have all these feelings now and you’ll be stuck with him.”

  “Don’t listen to her. The longer you’re together, the more comfortable you’ll be when you decide to take that step. The sex will be much better than if you jumped into bed with him the first night.”

  Jessica’s words were encouraging. I’d been nervous about postponing sex, and she eased my worries. Brittany had been scandalized a twenty-three-year-old warm-blooded American male hadn’t made more of an effort to get me into bed. But Cameron seemed genuine about letting me set the pace for how physical we got.

  Fifteen minutes later, I met him at a park a couple of miles from campus. He was sitting on the ground, looking relaxed, staring at a flock of birds flying overhead. I took a minute to study him undetected. He always looked self-assured, no matter what situation he found himself in.

  He stood up at my approach and greeted me with a peck on the lips.

  “Is this what you wear running?” I asked teasingly.

  He was wearing a pair of black shorts that displayed his toned legs and a white tank top that clung to his chest. His skin was already a golden hue, despite the weather only recently turning warmer. I was dressed to ward off the frequent chills I had and wore a Trenton College sweatshirt and sweatpants.

  “Usually; why?”

  “I’m surprised you get any running in when you probably have to stop to catch all the swooning women you pass.”

  He laughed. “What? The women I catch help me get my upper body workout.”

  I playfully slapped his arm and resisted the urge to squeeze his bicep. I coughed instead. “I might slow you down today. I’m not much of a runner.”

  “I’m not in a rush. We can take our time. There’s a trail I follow that loops around the entire park.”

  We started off with a slow jog. I was able to keep pace for about a quarter of a mile. But when Cameron broke into a run, I was too winded to keep up with him. I wanted to push harder, but my body wasn’t cooperating. I didn’t consume enough calories to handle intense bouts of exercise.

  He glanced back as I fell further behind, then he ran back to where I was walking briskly. I said, “You should go ahead. I’ll catch up.”

  He stopped jogging and matched my strides. “I invited you to hang out, not to leave you alone.”

  “Okay, but I was enjoying the view of you from behind.”

  I liked this side of me. There were many facets to my personality, and I preferred the carefree and flirtatious Kayla to any of the others. I wanted this thing with us to work. His hands wrapped around my waist and he tickled me gently. He pulled me in closely and my giggles subsided.

  His eyes searched mine and the last of my laughter caught in my throat. He cupped my face and closed the gap between us within seconds. An inch from my lips, he said quietly, “I like this … I like us.”

  “I like this, too,” I whispered. “I’m not good at talking about how I feel, but just because I don’t say it, doesn’t mean I’m not feeling the same things as you. I like how you’re confident and say what you’re thinking.” I swallowed roughly and admitted, “I’m worried we won’t last because I’m not like that.”

  “I think we’re good together. I don’t want a girl who is exactly like me. I may seem confident, but I’m talking out of my ass most of the time. I like how you sit back and observe; I love trying to guess what you’re thinking.”

  My lips began to tingle when he brushed his mouth against mine.

  “The fact that you’re very pretty doesn’t hurt either.”

  “You’re not so bad yourself.”

  I was grinning when he picked me up off the ground. He hoisted me onto his back and I gripped his neck tightly. He took off in a sprint and I pressed my chest to his back. I bounced up and down as he gave me a piggyback ride through the park. My sides hurt from laughing so hard when he finally set me down on one of the benches lining the walkway.

  “You’re trouble, Cameron. And I think I like it.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Angus approves of you, so I guess you can stay for dinner,” Cameron joked as he watched me coddle his English bulldog. Angus rolled onto his back and let out a satisfying snort when I jiggled his fat belly with the palm of my hands.

  “Who’s the sweet puppy?” I cooed to him. “You’re the sweet puppy.”

  Cameron held out his hand and pulled me back into a standing position. “Hey,” he protested, “enough with the baby talk. He’s a manly dog.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Sure he is.”

  Wrapping his arms around me, Cameron kissed me softly. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  It was the middle of March and the first time I’d gone to Cameron’s apartment. We’d been together for a month and a half, but I’d been leery about staying over at his place. He hadn’t pressed the issue and didn’t ask for the reasons behind my hesitation. For some reason, I got it into my head that coming over to his place translated into sex.

  In some ways, I was completely ready to take the next step with Cameron. He was funny, kind, and his sexiness seemed effortless. I fantasized about spending hours exploring every inch of him, discovering what was hidden beneath his layers of clothing.

  The problem was my terror over being naked, both emotionally and physically, in front of him. Over the last month, I’d only lost another five pounds. I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t losing weight as swiftly as before, but I suspected my metabolism had slowed because of the back and forth between starving myself and binge eating. The new clothes I bought for spring were a size four, but it wasn’t good enough for me. I’d gotten it into my head I wanted to be a size zero. That size would best my mom and I’d never have to endure another one of her scathing remarks about my weight.

  All I could think about was when Cameron took off my clothes, the fat girl I had tried to keep hidden from him would be revealed and he’d be repulsed.

  “What made you change your mind about coming over?” Cameron asked as he led me into his kitchen.

  The apartment was cozy and much cleaner than I suspected his bachelor pad would be. Cameron had a one-bedroom apartment with an open floor plan. The oversized living room led directly into a smaller eat-in kitchen, with his bedroom and bathroom in the back. I took a seat at the kitchen table and watched as he set two place settings.

  “To see your dog, of course.” I laughed when Angus waddled across the room and settled his paws on my legs. Although my mom never permitted us to have pets in the house, I’d taken after my father and adored all four-legged creatures. I grew nostalgic when I remembered all the days he allowed me to tag along to his office and help out with his furry patients.

  Cameron’s phone rang and he groaned as he picked it up. “Hi, Dad.” Cameron paused and smiled tightly in my direction. His posture straightened and he ground his teeth together. “I’m not talking about this right now with you, I told you I have nothing to say to her. I wish you would stop making me feel guilty, I wasn’t the one who did anything wrong.” After a brief silence, Cameron sighed. “Dad, I have to go, Kayla just came by for dinner.”

  Cameron and his father seemed to get along fine, and their exchange confused me. Cameron’s uneasiness remained after he hung up.

  “Everything okay?” I questioned, watching him warily.

  The discomfort slipped off his face and his eyes warmed as he stared in my direction. “Yes, just my father being a pain. He means well, but he seems to forget sometimes I’m an adult. Let’s not get into it now; I’d rather have a fun night with my beautiful girlfriend.”

  I could tell the subject was closed with him and decided to let it go. “Are you cooking?” I asked him incredulously as he walked over to the stove.

  “I did invite you over, you know. Of course I’m going to feed you while you’re here.” He turned off one of the burners and looked at me over his shoulder. “I’m not the best cook, but I’m getting better since I started living on my own.”

  It
was a thoughtful gesture and it took a concentrated effort to not think about how fattening the meal would be. I didn’t want to get sick at his house or offend him by refusing to eat. I could think about ways to get rid of the extra calories later.

  Minutes later, he presented me with a plate piled high with spaghetti and chicken Parmesan. My stomach revolted at the sight. I couldn’t eat it without having an exit strategy. Instead of food, I saw calories that would make my body expand to the point where I’d transform back into the unlovable blob I was before I started dieting.

  “Kayla?” Cameron’s concerned voice brought me out of my own personal hell. “Is something wrong?”

  “No,” I forced out. “I’m just shocked you went to so much trouble. The food looks delicious.”

  “I was hoping you’d say that. You seem a little intense when it comes to your diet,” he remarked, twirling a piece of spaghetti on his fork.

  I was taken aback by his perceptiveness. I mistakenly believed I was a convincing actress, never revealing how much food ruled my life. I couldn’t let him see the freak I truly was or I’d lose him. Although it killed me a little inside, I lifted the fork and took a bite of the chicken. He smiled across the table at me. I could do this, I thought with determination. This was my existence, constant give and take in order to survive.

  I awoke with my head on Cameron’s lap. When I shifted, he tilted his chin down to face me. Brushing a strand of hair away from my eyes, he murmured, “I liked how you felt sleeping in my arms.”

  We had settled on his couch after dinner to watch a movie. I needed the distraction. As Cameron held me close, my anxiety over dinner faded and I relaxed into his arms. I must’ve fallen asleep at some point, exhausted from the constant disquiet I felt over my weight.

  I sat up and glanced at the clock, it was after eleven. “I guess I should head back to the dorms.”

  “Or you can stay over.”