Batpants and the Vanishing Elephant

by Jeremy Strong

  WHY WEREN’T WE WARNED?

  I mean, is this the way a girl wants to be introduced to a handsome film star?

  I DON’T THINK SO!

  I didn’t even have time to rearrange the twigs in my hair. Or put on some more mud make-up.

  Anyhow, Mr Handsome Hunk of The Year comes walking into the garden, smiling from ear to there. It was a really cheesy smile too – gorgonzola probably – you know, one of the smelly ones. Manley held out a big hand to greet us.

  We both held out our hands to be shaken but for some reason Manley Strutt’s eyes were on our buckets instead and he backed off.

  ‘Hey!’ He grinned, and his teeth were almost as blinding as India’s. ‘I see you’ve got your hands full of – erm . . .’

  ‘Erm?’ I repeated. ‘Actually it’s elephant dung. We make paper with it.’

  You should have seen Manley Strutt’s eyes! They almost took off from his head!

  ‘Paper?’ His voice was hoarse with disbelief. ‘You make paper with – that?’

  ‘Yep. It’s good for the planet. Recycling and all that.’ I smiled brightly at him. I thought he’d be impressed with my new-found knowledge, but he just turned very pale.

  ‘And did all that come from –’ Manley left the question hovering in mid-air.

  ‘From Fudge, our elephant? Oh yes, it’s all Fudge’s,’ India told him. ‘I guess you could say she’s the manufacturer.’

  ‘Oh boy!’ wheezed Manley. ‘Oh boy, oh boy! Well, there’s a thing!’

  And just when Manley was looking almost completely confused, Batpants came rushing out of the house to finish off the job.

  ‘Hoo hoo hah hah HOOOOOOOOO!’ screeched the orang-utan as she raced across the garden. She launched herself into the air and leapt on to Manley’s back. (And don’t forget the hands round the eyes and fingers up the nose bit.)

  Manley didn’t yell. He SQUEALED! He squealed like a two-year-old who’s just dropped his ice cream in the road and seen it run over by six buses and a bicycle. He began to dance a strange kind of jig, flapping his arms up and down and spinning round, trying to get the giant hairy orange rucksack off his back.

  It was Mum who came to the rescue this time.

  ‘Sorry, Mr Strutt,’ she apologized. ‘Batpants loves to meet new people. This is her way of saying “hello”. I can tell she likes you.’

  ‘Likes me?’ repeated Manley in dismay. ‘Strangling me is her way of saying she likes me?’

  Mum held Manley’s gaze and nodded. ‘Batpants is an orang-utan, an animal. Animals have their own ways of showing their feelings and we humans just have to accept them.’

  The hunk patted his hair back into place and looked about him. He sighed heavily. ‘I’ve got to spend weeks here in this madhouse. Will I ever get out alive?’

  Mum burst out laughing. ‘Don’t you worry. We’ll take very good care of you. Come back into the house for a cup of tea.’

  Manley eyed Batpants. ‘Is she invited?’

  ‘Not if you’d rather she wasn’t,’ said Mum. ‘Although she is pretty good with a mug of tea. She doesn’t spill much.’

  ‘Just watch the tomatoes,’ Finn piped up out of nowhere.

  Manley spun round, trying to track him down, but Finn was nowhere to be seen.

  ‘Who said that?’ demanded Manley.

  ‘I did!’ cried Finn with delight, suddenly reappearing, upside down and hanging from a branch of the tree house.

  ‘Oh, hi, kid. Good to see you. Is that some kind of camp you have there?’

  ‘No. It’s our house,’ Finn explained. ‘We live here.’

  Manley took another deep, deep breath and turned to my mother. ‘OK, so let’s see if I’ve got this straight. You have a big ape creature that drinks tea and lives in the house, and a small son who lives in a tree in the garden? Oh boy!’ He sighed again, shaking his head. ‘So what’s the big deal with the tomatoes?’ he asked.

  Mum laughed. It was what you call a ‘forced’ laugh. In other words she was covering up!

  ‘Ha ha ha!’ she tinkled. ‘Tomatoes aren’t a problem. Finn was just – just being Finn,’ she finally said, shooting a warning look at my little brother.

  The three of them went indoors, with Batpants holding Manley by one hand and walking with him. No, that’s not quite right – Batpants wasn’t walking, she was dragging Manley along, as if she was taking a prisoner to his doom.

  India and I looked at each other. Life was getting very interesting.

  5. Manley’s Busy Day

  I don’t know much about film stars. I have read about them in magazines and I know some of them can act a bit spoilt. They expect everything to be done for them. Manley wasn’t like that at all, but he was surprisingly squeamish about having an orang-utan in the house.

  ‘Oh boy,’ he’d say, with a shake of his head. ‘It’s so – weird – you know? Sitting at the breakfast table with an orang-utan.’

  ‘I suppose it feels like that at first,’ agreed Mum. ‘We’re all used to it. Batpants always eats with us.’

  India giggled. ‘At least it isn’t Fudge trying to eat with us at the table.’

  ‘Sure,’ nodded Manley, trying to look brave. ‘But does she have to spread honey on her foot like that?’

  ‘Yes, Batpants,’ warned Mum. ‘No feet on the table, thank you.’

  ‘She’s an ape, Manley,’ Dad told him. ‘I’ve seen humans with worse table manners.’

  Manley managed a bit of a smile. ‘I guess that’s true. But she’s putting the knife in her ear now.’

  Batpants glanced at the film star, showed her teeth and tried to spread honey on his hand. ‘Heeeee haaaaaa splurrrrgh!’

  ‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ Manley said quickly, while Mum carefully took the knife from the ape before she sliced off several of Manley’s fingers.

  Manley, still in his dressing gown, got up from the table. ‘I guess I’ll run myself a bath if that’s OK. Somehow all the honey has made me feel a bit sticky.’

  India watched him leave. ‘I can’t believe I’ve been sitting at breakfast with Manley Strutt,’ she whispered.

  ‘I know,’ Mum whispered back. ‘It’s like a dream come true, isn’t it?’

  ‘My friends are going to die of envy when I tell them,’ India went on.

  ‘And my husband is already going green with jealousy,’ laughed Mum. Dad rolled his eyes at the rest of us.

  And that brought breakfast to an end. Zak disappeared upstairs. Finn and I went off to help India look after Fudge, so we were outside when we heard the scream, the crash, the thunderous pounding, and the yells that grew louder and louder. Eventually they burst out of the house in the shape of Manley Strutt clutching a towel round his body, hotly pursued by a whirly, wet, orange monster.

  ‘HEELLLPPPP!’

  (That was Manley Strutt.)

  ‘HOOO HAAAH HOOOOO HOOOEY CHK-CHK-CHK-CHK!’

  (That was Batpants, waving a wooden back scrubber from the bathroom in the air.)

  You’d have thought Batpants was trying to murder the film star, but she was just playing. Everyone knew that except Manley, who thought he was under attack. Batpants made several attempts to grab Manley’s towel, much to my parents’ amusement. They were doubled up with laughter. Finn, of course, was jumping up and down and adding to all the yelling and screaming.

  ‘I saw his b –’ Mum slapped a hand over Finn’s mouth in the nick of time, while India and I giggled ourselves silly.

  Meanwhile Manley had whizzed up the stairs to the tree house and shut himself in. That was no good at all because Batpants knew every entrance in and out of that house. Within seconds she had climbed through a window. Manley gave a squeal of terror and came hurtling back down the steps.

  ‘Do something!’ he yelled as he went racing past us, closely followed by a galloping orang-utan going hoo hoo hoo. I was sure she was grinning.

  ‘Give her your towel!’ shouted Mum. ‘It’s the only way to stop her!’

  ‘The towe
l?’ shrieked Manley as he went charging past us for the third time. ‘But that’s all I’ve got!’

  ‘If you don’t give it to her she’ll take it from you anyway,’ Dad laughed.

  ‘But, but, but,’ went Manley, as Batpants closed in on him. He dived behind the tree and a moment later the towel came flying out in the ape’s direction. Batpants stopped, bent down, picked it up, examined it all over, put it round her waist like a skirt and came wandering back to us, showing off her new item of clothing as if she was in a fashion parade. We fell about.

  Dad found a pair of trousers and took them across to the tree. Manley’s arm reached out gratefully and a minute later he sheepishly stepped into the open.

  ‘It was unbelievable,’ he told us. ‘I ran the bath and went off to get ready. I came back and was just getting into the bathtub when I realized Batpants was sitting at the other end waving a scrubbing brush at me. She reached out to grab the towel and I guess I just flipped.’

  ‘She likes a chase,’ Mum said.

  ‘And she liked your towel even more,’ I added and everyone fell about again. Even Manley grinned. He could have got really cross but he was pretty good natured about the whole thing. He’s just not used to so many animals. I suppose it is a bit odd to look out of your bedroom window and see an elephant in the garden – not to mention the donkey, the cats and, of course, Batpants.

  Dad took Manley back into the house. ‘You go and have your bath. We’ll keep Batpants occupied out here. Then I suggest we all wander into town. There’s a nice little coffee place where we can go and relax and you can forget all about your nightmare morning.’

  ‘That’s a great idea, Aslan,’ said Manley. ‘I’ll be fifteen minutes or so.’

  * * *

  There are several cafés in town but our favourite is Luigi’s. He’s the owner and he’s Italian and he does proper Italian coffee. I don’t like coffee but I do like the smell of it and all the machinery they use to make it. The best thing about Luigi’s is the cakes. Finn and I adore them.

  Zak keeps trying to pretend that he’s too grown-up for cakes now but what’s the point in that? Adults aren’t too old for cakes, so how come Zak is?

  Luigi’s has got tables on the pavement and we all sat outside. It wasn’t long before we noticed that people were staring at us. Other people sitting nearby kept looking across at our table. Some of them edged their chairs closer, especially the women. And they were all looking at the same thing – Manley Strutt. He’d been recognized.

  Eventually one of them came across and asked for his autograph. Of course, as soon as one person had done it, another came and another. Soon there was a queue. And a bit of pushing and shoving.

  The rest of us found ourselves edged more and more to one side as Manley almost disappeared beneath the excited crowd of onlookers. The word quickly spread.

  ‘Manley Strutt’s at Luigi’s drinking coffee!’

  ‘Manley Strutt’s in town!’

  ‘Have you seen Manley Strutt? He’s at Luigi’s! It’s true! I’ve just got his autograph – look!’

  That’s how it went. More and more people came over. There was a queue down the street and the biggest throng was forming round Manley himself. Soon there were so many people we lost sight of him. We could just hear his voice from time to time saying things like, ‘Hey! Please don’t all push at once. Can you give me a bit of space? I can hardly breathe? Hey!’

  And then suddenly the crowd went wild. Dad and I were knocked off our chairs. Mum had to hide under the table to escape the pushing and shoving. We tried to get to our feet, but got pushed back down.

  Eventually we managed to stagger upright and the big bustle had disappeared leaving just the long queue and – and – where was Manley? He was nowhere to be seen. We dashed inside Luigi’s but he wasn’t there. We raced back out and scoured the High Street, but Manley had definitely vanished.

  Dad stood there, looking up and down and scratching his head in confusion. I could almost see the blood drain from his face as a terrible thought took hold of him.

  ‘I think Manley’s just been kidnapped from right under our noses,’ he declared.

  ‘Cool!’ said Zak, and then realized it wasn’t the best reaction. ‘I mean crazy. That’s crazy. Why kidnap Manley?’

  ‘Money,’ Dad said grimly. ‘He’s worth millions. They’ll demand money – or else.’

  Dad’s mobile rang. It was as if time stood still. We stared at Dad. Nobody moved. The phone rang and rang until Dad slowly pulled it from his pocket and put it to his ear.

  ‘Yes?’

  He listened intently for what seemed like ages. At last he switched off and put the phone back in his pocket. Mum slipped an arm round him.

  ‘What was that about?’

  ‘It was strange,’ Dad murmured. ‘I don’t quite understand. A man was talking to me, but in a deliberately squeaky voice, like something out of a bad film. He said keep clear of the police. We are being watched –’

  Our heads instantly swivelled in every direction, but it was ridiculous. We could have been watched from a thousand different places. Any one of the hundred or so people in the street around us could have been spying on us. Dad went on.

  ‘He said if we go to the police then Manley will come to great harm. He repeated that several times and finally he said something weird. He said, “Go home. You will understand more when you get home”.’

  ‘What will we understand?’ I asked. ‘That doesn’t make sense.’

  ‘I guess we’d better get home and then maybe we’ll find out,’ suggested Mum. We began to walk, faster and faster. Soon we were running.

  We raced towards our house. Had it been burgled? Had we been ransacked? Was the house on fire? Was another message waiting for us there?

  As we reached home we couldn’t see anything wrong. The front was fine. The door was still locked. There were no broken windows anywhere and no flames from the roof. All was as it should be. We dashed from one room to another, checking, but everything was fine and all was well.

  ‘Noooooooooooooo!’

  A scream came from the garden. It was India. She was in floods of tears. Dad dashed out to her.

  ‘Fudge has gone!’ India sobbed. ‘They’ve taken my darling sweety-pops too.’

  Blimey. Some kidnappers. They’d even managed to kidnap an elephant.

  6. Fantasti-bubbly-crumbo!

  ‘How could anyone kidnap an elephant?’ I asked. ‘That’s crazy!’

  India was beside herself. ‘Poor popsy! Anything could have happened to her. She’s on a special diet, she needs the right food.’

  Finn tried to raise her spirits. ‘At least you won’t have to go round the garden picking up elephant poo,’ he pointed out cheerfully. It had quite the opposite effect on India. She began flooding the garden all over again, only this time with tears.

  ‘My poor little twinkletoes!’ she wailed.

  I choked. Little twinkletoes? Fudge was an elephant, not a dinky fairy.

  Even Finn pulled a surprised face and then stuck his fingers in his ears, which was hardly surprising.

  ‘There’s Manley to think about too,’ Dad said grimly, waving a piece of paper. ‘I found this note in Manley’s room.’ Dad spread the letter on the table and we gathered round.

  And at that very moment the phone rang and we all jumped a mile. Dad put a finger to his lips but Batpants got to the phone first.

  She held it up to one eye and squinted at it hard, as if she was trying to see who was at the other end of the phone. Dad danced circles round the ape trying to get it, but Batpants kept twisting and turning. She put it to her ear and looked at us with a rather superior kind of expression, like some fancy secretary in an office. Finally, she pursed her lips and spoke into the mouthpiece.

  ‘Hoooooo?’

  I’ve no idea what the answer was but Batpants’ eyes widened to the size of saucers. She yanked the phone as far from her ear as possible and dropped it like a hot banana. Dad seized hi
s opportunity.

  ‘Hello? Yes. No. No. Yes. (Pause) We need time. We can’t get £2,000,000 just like that. My piggy bank isn’t big enough. (Pause) Of course I’m joking. This whole thing is crazy. You had better be looking after Manley and Fudge properly. (Pause) Yes, I know Fudge makes a lot of dung. She’s an elephant. What do you expect? You have to clear it up yourself. (Pause). My daughter says you can make paper with it. And help save the world.’

  Dad turned to me and whispered. ‘They say they’ve got enough paper and they don’t want to save the world.’

  ‘Typical,’ I muttered. ‘That is so selfish.’

  Dad went back to the phone, frowning. ‘No, we won’t go to the police. We’ll bring the money. (Pause) Yes, tomorrow afternoon. You’ll ring to let us know when and where. OK. (Pause) I want to speak to Manley. (Pause) He can’t speak? Why not? Because he’s got a sock stuffed into his mouth. I see. Is it his sock? (Pause) Good. I’d hate to think he was sucking one of yours.’

  Dad cocked his head on one side and looked at us. ‘The line has gone dead. They’ve hung up.’

  Mum clung to his arm. ‘How are we going to find £2,000,000?’ she asked. Dad shook his head and a determined look crossed his face.

  ‘We’re not giving them any money. We’re going to find Fudge and Manley, and set them free.’

  ‘Wow! Yeah! Fantasti-bubbly-crumbo!’ yelled Finn, punching the air as he jumped up and down. ‘We’ll biff and baff them!’

  ‘Taisez-vous!’ I hissed at him. That’s French for ‘shut up!’ Cool, eh? You should try it! (You say it like this: tay-zay voo.)

  ‘Yes, calm down, Finn,’ Dad snapped. ‘We’re not going to do anything hasty. Let’s think this through. The kidnappers can’t be far from here. They’ve had to move an elephant, so somebody must have seen or heard something!’

  ‘We could ask around,’ Zak suggested.