Abbie's Gift

by M. R. THOMAS

  After drying herself and combing her damp hair Abbie went to lie down, fatigue creeping over her as though it was moving from her legs and into her brain and mind.

  Getting into bed, the coolness of the sheets was lovely against her warm skin. Abbie stretched and felt over to Peter’s side of the bed; it too was cool to the touch. How often she had touched him whilst he lay there next to her, aroused him and made love to him.

  At that moment, a deep and urgent sense of desire and wanting rose within her. She so missed him and wanted to make love to him, and she felt the familiar in her abdomen and a flutter of sexual emotion. As her nipples stiffened she closed her eyes and willed herself to be with Peter… kissing him again, touching him, feeling his hands caress her body and curves, his hands moving over her thighs and breasts… that imagined sense of his touch on her skin made her ache for him more. Kissing his imagined lips was so real, so powerful she could taste him. She lay on her back and with one hand caressed her breasts, brushing the nipples and being aware of how sensitive they had become. Her other hand glided downwards and, to her surprise, she was already moist and damp, her body reacting to the power of her thoughts and overwhelming desire.

  She allowed her fingers to part her lips and felt the warm folds of flesh, but in her mind it was not her hand it was Peter’s. She imagined holding his hardness and hearing his pleasurable moans. Her hand was working rhythmically and the familiar sweet, pleasurable sensations were gradually building inside her…her Peter was making love to her again. Pleasure rising and rising, stronger and stronger inside her body and mind, Abbie was becoming lost her in her passion and she spoke to him as she’d always done of her needs and desires, half expecting him to whisper a response in her ear.

  Steady rhythmic shudders began to spread out into her abdomen and Abbie knew she was close to reaching her climax. This felt so good for her…feeling connected again to her body and its senses was wonderful…Abbie’s breathing began to deepen and her muscles, tight from running, began to relax under such wonderful sensations. Her heartbeat was now pounding, her breathing labouring as her body moved in rhythm to her hands as she caressed her nakedness.

  Abbie knew that she was about to climax but then, in an instant, she felt a real sense of dizziness again, similar to what she had experienced when was running. The room seemed to spin as though she’d had too much wine, but she was so close she couldn’t stop this pleasure, nor did she want to; she knew her climax would be intense and strong. The waves of pleasure began to vibrate within her and explode through her entire being, as that first ripple of orgasmic delight hit her and rushed through her entire body and, in an instant, Abbie felt all her physical and sexual tensions disappear.

  Wow! She thought, how strange, it’s just gone? Opening her eyes to look around her, Abbie was amazed at the brightness in the room, and she had an amazing sense of freedom and space as though she was floating, warm and relaxed, somewhere in the atmosphere. Abbie closed her eyes again and relished her sense of post-orgasmic bliss. She had a wonderful relaxed feeling but gradually became more aware of a sense of drifting, a kind physical instability and movement which felt off-kilter, odd. I must have fainted at the height of it all, she thought to herself, I was dizzy and then I blacked out, that’s the only explanation as it was so good!

  Abbie opened her eyes again but could not comprehend what she saw.

  She was somehow looking down on herself lying naked on the bed, satiated and relaxed after the pleasure she had given herself.

  No, this can’t be, she thought…what’s happening? How is this happening?

  Abbie felt that she was out of her body, floating overhead and looking down. She realised that the intensity and ferocity of her physical, emotional, and mental energy must have made her leave her body somehow, as though she was in another dimension.

  Once Abbie had realised this, she started to panic. How do I get back? What if I can’t?

  Abbie closed her eyes and took a sharp, deep breath and then, in an instant, with a tremendous jolt, she was back in her body on the bed. She sat up, gasping for breath, looking round the room and up at the ceiling: it was all as it had been before, even the dampness from her body on the sheets.

  Abbie touched herself as if to check her body was real and actually there, and then she knew she was awake and back in reality. She felt exhausted, flopping backwards onto the bed with the pillows catching her. She rolled on to Peter’s side of the bed, closed her eyes without another moment’s thought, and drifted off into a peaceful and blissful sleep, as she did when Peter was with her.

  Chapter 6.

  When Abbie woke, it took her some time to gauge her surroundings and realise exactly where she was. She had no idea how long she had slept for.

  Suddenly feeling hungry, Abbie went downstairs and prepared some soup and sandwiches. Her legs felt tight but surprisingly not too sore from running.

  As she ate, Abbie thought back to the day’s unusual events, but they caused her no alarm; she actually felt relaxed and felt refreshed by it all. Her orgasm had been wonderful, very strong and powerful; just what I needed, she thought, smiling to herself. In her mind it was as though Peter had been there with her, although that was obviously impossible. She still felt blissfully relaxed and calm. Must do that again, she thought fleetingly.

  But what really happened to me? Pondered Abbie. She had no answer for this, but didn’t feel alarmed; she just accepted it as something wonderful and unusual.

  Abbie wondered if it was all in her mind, knowing how powerful a person’s imagination can be, especially in the grip of emotions like grief, so was hers just playing tricks on her, was this what her grief had caused? Or, unbelievably, at the height of such emotional intensity, had she really left her body? Abbie had no idea, but she could not doubt how real the experience had felt, and how calm and comforted she felt afterwards.

  Would it happen again, could it? What if I get stuck? Thought Abbie. No, now you’re being daft! Don’t be so stupid! Jumbled thoughts raced through her mind, leaving her with no answers.

  ………………………………………………

  Later that evening Abbie telephoned her mum and Kate to let them know she was OK. At one point in the conversation, Kate enquired innocently “what have you been up to today?” and, for some reason, Abbie felt herself blush at the other end of the phone.

  Afterwards Abbie had a long soak in the bath to help relax her still-aching limbs. She then searched her bookshelves for her copy of the Bible and took it with her as she settled in to bed. That verse from the service had again been playing around in her head; she knew it was from St John’s Gospel Chapter 14 but couldn’t remember exactly where in the chapter, so she began to read from the beginning to see if it was familiar. To her delight, she found it straight away. The words had seemed so poignant to her at the time. She took a deep breath, sat up straighter and began to read. She even felt a twinge of guilt that it had taken so many days for her to get round to looking at this piece of scripture.

  ‘Let not your heart be troubled: believe in God, believe also in me. In my father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there you may be also’

  Abbie put the book on her bedside table and settled down to sleep. The words stayed in her mind, drawing her in to their orbit and their calming void of rest and restoration, and sleep came quickly.

  ……………………………………………………………

  The next morning, Abbie decided she needed to sort some post: forms regarding insurances and banking, all had to be dealt with. She found this was manageable, not as emotionally challenging as previous days, and she felt physically recharged and rested. It was only when she was going upstairs that she realised her thighs were still painful, the result of yesterday’s physical endeavours on the hill.

  She rem
embered her fitness goal: to run around the park and up the hill to the war memorial. No matter how long this took, she knew that she couldn’t attempt that every day; she needed a plan. Abbie decided that today would be a steady flat run to build fitness rather than another do-or-die effort on the hill that most likely would be a die, as she could almost feel her leg muscles protesting at the thought.

  .

  In the afternoon the sky was grey again, and the air was damp with fine drizzle. Part of the route Abbie chose was the same as the previous day but instead of going up the hill, she followed another path that ran around the bottom of the hill and away from the town.

  Her legs quickly became accustomed to the effort and pace, but today she was aware of feeling physically hotter, as though her body was roasting inside her running kit with leggings and long sleeves. She had remembered to take a small bottle of water this time, and she sipped frequently when her mouth and throat got too dry.

  The path opened out into some heathland, and the going was easy underfoot with no real undulations. Again, Abbie was conscious of how much she enjoyed being outdoors. Her breathing today was manageable and her running pace fine she thought. She hadn’t found the heart rate monitors so again by trial and error, managed to get herself into a comfortable running rhythm, not too fast or too slow.

  After a while, the ground became more difficult underfoot, it was very uneven and Abbie had to be careful not to lose her footing. Rocks and tree roots lined the path, so she had to change her running rhythm and make purposeful strides around the obstacles. She became aware of an increase in her heartbeat, and breathing becoming more laboured.

  Abbie had been on this path for about 15 minutes when she took a left turn over a stile and had to do a long jump to miss a large muddy puddle. The fine drizzle in the air was now coming down quite heavily, and the path seemed to be taking her away from the hill and the town. It continued ahead before disappearing out of sight past some trees about half a mile away.

  That will be my turning point for today, Abbie decided.

  The ground was difficult now, more uneven and hazardous, so she tried to keep focus on her steps, her rhythm often disrupted by having to side-step more puddles and the occasional rock. It was this that made her realise that she was running much faster than she wanted. She tried to slow down but now the ground seemed worse and the going more difficult. Running faster was actually easier so Abbie quickened her step.

  The gradient of the path had also begun to rise so that required more of an effort. Abbie’s breathing was quite laboured, and about 100 metres from the trees at her intended turnaround point she again felt odd, a sense of dizziness, as though everything was about to spin around her. Abbie stopped dead in her tracks. That feeling of being off balance made her more aware of herself; it was exactly what had happened to her yesterday, when running and then when she was on the edge of orgasm. She knew it was very similar, and physically she could be close again to that out-of-body type experience. It seemed to seduce her into wanting it again, that sense of relaxation and calm that it had given her.

  Abbie set off at a rapid pace up the path, trying to recreate what she had felt, being careful of her footing but running hard. There was no sexual sensation, just the enjoyment of her body moving rapidly across the ground, taking long powerful strides, her heart rate rising, her breathing deepening, almost moving so fast it hurt, as though she was sprinting.

  Then, without any dizziness this time, Abbie was suddenly surrounded by brightness, and she found herself still and calm, floating again, cushioned and relaxed. Again, she had an overriding sense of peace and stillness in her mind and body. She wasn’t sure of where she was, so she took a look down, and there she was again, a figure on the ground, running and running to…who knew where? It seemed as though a silver strand of light was joining the two parts of her together, one floating, watchful and calm, and the other running away in the distance. Abbie turned towards the brightness and bathed in its glow; this is so soothing, she thought. She realised her breathing was fine, back to normal, no panting or sense of exertion, in fact was she even breathing at all? She wasn’t sure. She felt high up but, looking down again, she realised she was closer to herself than she thought. She marvelled at how fit and capable she looked as she ran.

  You’re doing so well and looking good, she thought to herself.

  Abbie again looked at the brightness all around her; to her sides and above, and then, just for a moment, she thought she felt another presence approaching her. Before she had time to think about this, she found herself jolting and was then back inside herself on the path, gasping for breath and pounding along the ground at a pace.

  Breathing steadily Abbie slowly came to a halt and stopped to work out where she was. She realised that the trees where she had wanted to turn were already some way behind her down the path. When had she passed them, she wondered? She didn’t remember doing it but realised she must have actually been running whilst in this other dimension, or whatever it had been…she had seen herself on the path but hadn’t really believed it was possible. And it had felt like only seconds, but had taken minutes to get that far. She had simply lost time.

  On the slow run home, Abbie’s mind was only on one thing: why was this happening to her? And what was that sense of ‘something else’? That had unnerved her. She wondered if her grief was slowly driving her insane. Or had she miraculously discovered a new skill, an enjoyable way of escaping into another world, another dimension, away from her grief and pain?

  Abbie realised she was crying and yet, at the same time, felt inspired and full of a sense of hope.

  …………………………………………..

  Abbie spent most of the rest of the day deep in thought. She felt a little shocked and disorientated so didn’t do much, just sat and wondered about her own sanity …or was it insanity? She couldn’t decide. She tried desperately to make sense of the events, these strange occurrences, but her mind gave her no answers.

  Deep down though, Abbie didn’t feel as if she was going mad; yes she was hurt emotionally and was grieving, in deep emotional pain, but surely that wasn’t madness? It was a natural process, not insanity, surely?

  When her mum rang later in the evening, Abbie did her best to sound cheerful and positive, even suggesting again the shopping trip for the next day. Afterwards though she wondered if she had really been that convincing, as she hadn’t convinced herself.

  Abbie slept badly that night. She didn’t know if it was just her mind being overactive and unable to switch off, or was it a fear of what might happen if she relaxed and let herself go, back into that place where the unconscious mind is let off the leash to run amok and torment already worried souls?

  Chapter 7.

  The next morning, Abbie met her mum in a café in town. Abbie felt heavy-eyed from her disturbed sleep but she did her best to be sociable. She hugged and kissed her mum when they met, but she was aware of having to try to concentrate and stop her mind wandering. Abbie was in fact glad to see her mum, as although in reality it hadn’t been long since they had spent a lot of time together, to Abbie it somehow felt like ages. When they had greeted one another and sat down, Abbie felt she’d be able to maintain her ‘I’m OK’ façade but, to do this, she knew she’d have to be lenient with the truth if necessary.

  Abbie explained away her fatigue as too much exercise too soon and a little trouble sleeping, which her mum seemed to accept. How could she begin to explain to anyone what appeared to have happened to her anyway? Who would believe her? Even in her own memory, it now seemed that these things had in fact been happening to someone else and not to her.

  As always, Rose offered words of comfort and practical support. She was good at that, thought Abbie, my dear, kind mum.

  Abbie had already decided that whatever time she got home, she would not run today. She didn’t know if it was out of an irrational fear of the unknown and whatever might happen again, or just because her legs - especially h
er thigh muscles - ached relentlessly, each step she took causing pain and discomfort and reminding her of the running effort she had made. She needed recuperation time, she knew that and, whatever the real reason for her decision - and she couldn’t decide which it was - in the circumstances both options seemed rational and lucid.

  Abbie enjoyed the time wandering the shops; she bought some new running socks but couldn’t decide on anything else to buy. Her mum, on the other hand, seemed keen to shop and bought some blouses, in strange bright patterns, that Abbie knew weren’t her and that once she got them home her mum would realise it too and then have to return them. Life does repeat itself she thought.

  Over lunch, Abbie played with her salad, pushing bits around the plate as she had no appetite to speak of, although she did force some of it down so as not to draw attention to herself.

  “There’s something I wanted to mention” her mum said suddenly.

  Abbie was surprised by this almost formal announcement.

  “Go on” she replied cautiously.

  “Oh don’t be so serious it’s nothing really” replied Rose.

  Abbie smiled and felt herself relax a little.

  Her mum began, “Yesterday, at the shops I met a lady, and she said

  ‘Hello’ and I said ‘good morning’, then I realised that it was one of your father’s old work colleagues; she introduced herself as ‘Mrs Oaks’.