Abbie's Gift

by M. R. THOMAS

  Abbie looked all around her as she ran, even for a time jogging backwards so she could see the frost hanging heavy in the trees behind her. She was alone in this winter wilderness, probably the only person mad enough to venture out in this cold, she thought. As she ran she found herself enjoying every step, and she felt no physical discomfort at all; rather, it invigorated her, and made her feel alive. She continued to run for some time, even beyond the point where she had previously turned around and run back to the car park. Her stamina was much improved, and she had lost all sense of time and distance, but then again it didn’t matter to her at all today. Her time was all hers.

  The path slowly inclined, and Abbie quickened and lengthened her pace, she felt strong and agile. Tomorrow she would run the hill for the last time.

  Later that morning at home Abbie stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom after her shower. Feeling refreshed, she looked at her body and acknowledged her overall slimness and toned firmness. She felt pleased with what her dedication over recent weeks had achieved; she knew that she was both slimmer and fitter than ever, and this gave her a newfound self-confidence in achieving what lay ahead.

  After eating scrambled eggs on toast, Abbie went shopping to the supermarket for the evening meal. Not sure what to buy she pondered as she wandered the food aisles but couldn’t decide; she wanted to please both her mum and Kate equally. Then, a light-bulb moment: Chinese! They both loved it and, best of all, she could order it from the local restaurant.

  She chose three bottles of wine, taking time over her choices and she selected also a large American-style cheesecake that she knew both Kate and her mum loved.

  Whilst in the checkout queue she was aware of an elderly woman watching her from the other queue; she looked familiar but Abbie couldn’t place her. She felt that there was no avoiding this woman speaking to her, as by the time she’d packed her shopping bag, the woman was obviously waiting for her.

  Abbie felt the woman’s eyes fixed on her, and she was quite uncomfortable at this unwanted attention.

  She felt a sudden surge of heat rise through her body and to the top of her head and was aware of her heart beat increasing, and she felt a surge of adrenaline power around her body. She realised she hadn’t been in this particular shop since the first time this feeling had happened, so she took a deep breath and focused herself, thinking no, no fainting, not here, control it. She breathed deeply and suddenly felt that was back in control.

  Abbie turned to go and the elderly woman approached her, looking unsure.

  “Hello Abbie” she said.

  “Hello”

  “You’re probably wondering who I am but don’t worry, I’m friendly! I’ve not really met you before but I used to bump into Peter quite regularly when I was walking my dog and he was running. I live a few houses down from yours on the other side of the road.”

  “Oh I see, hello” Abbie didn’t know what else to say.

  “I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for what happened to him and to you”. The woman’s eyes glazed over and Abbie thought she was going to cry.

  “Thank you”, said Abbie, “that means a lot to me. I’ve been running a lot lately too”

  The elderly lady smiled, “Have you? I’m surprised that I haven’t seen you. I know it can’t be easy for you at all. If you ever want to pop in for a cup of tea and a chat you’re most welcome, I’m Catherine, by the way”.

  “Catherine, that’s very nice of you, thank you, I might take you up on your offer. I’ll see you around”

  As she walked away, Abbie again felt guilty for misleading this woman who only wanted to be nice, offering her condolences. I don’t need or want ‘nice’ she thought as she left the shop. She realised that, although this woman lived only a few yards from her house, she didn’t know her, had never seen her nor would she have given her a second glance. So typical of our neighbourhoods, she thought.

  Back at the house, Abbie found the Chinese menu and decided that she would order all their favourites; if she telephoned about half an hour before they were due to arrive the timing would be ideal.

  She tidied the dining room and set the table using her finest cutlery and napkins, the ones she had kept for special occasions. She prepared the dishes she would use and got everything ready. She then went round the rest of the house making sure everything was in its right place, all the washing and ironing done and put away.

  By mid-afternoon Abbie felt quite tired and decided to go upstairs for a nap. She set her alarm clock for 90 minutes as she knew that, if she didn’t, this would be certain to be the one day she’d oversleep, when she needed to be up getting things ready. She climbed between the covers and closed her eyes.

  Abbie didn’t know if she’d fallen asleep immediately and then woken with a start, but it was as though everything she’d experienced over the past weeks had rapidly played through her mind like a video on fast-forward. She suddenly seemed to remember every detail and every drop of emotional pain, and this hurt her so much, it was so fresh and so real, and as if, in that instant, she had lost Peter all over again for the first time. The emotional wounds that she thought had been healing had been forced open. She turned over, put her face in the pillow, and cried uncontrollably.

  Later on as the daylight began to fade, Abbie awoke again, realising she’d been asleep and that the pain she previously felt was now gone.

  Abbie sat up feeling refreshed, but knew deep down that she never wanted another reminder of the pain of grief and loss. She knew in life that it could happen from time to time, and for that reason alone leaving her life behind to be free from such physical and emotional pain was the right thing to do. More importantly, it had the benefit of letting her be with Peter forever.

  Abbie’s mind felt light and free from the shackles that bound her to her earthly life. As she dressed for the evening, she didn’t wish to draw attention to herself so put on smart but comfortable clothes, and a dab of Peter’s favourite perfume.

  She looked out of the window and noticed the sun was going down at the end of the day; the sky again had a red-orange glow that seemed to penetrate the gloom of the autumn night.

  Tomorrow morning will be bright and fine, she thought to herself, not long now my love.

  She paused as she left the bedroom, and smelt his dressing gown on the back of the door; she held the fabric to her face and his presence was overwhelming.

  “Soon” she said.

  ………………………………………………………………

  At the allotted time, Abbie telephoned the restaurant and ordered the food for delivery, aware she was over-ordering but that didn’t matter. She warmed dishes in the oven; she knew that Kate was always a bit late. She lit a few lamps and scented candles, and a delicate rose fragrance filled the room.

  She put on the radio and tuned it to the jazz channel, and immediately the room became a haven of peaceful and melancholic blues sounds.

  Abbie took a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and poured herself a glass. She took a refreshing mouthful as she realised she only had to play this part of the good daughter and friend for a few hours more, then it was all done.

  At 7.20 pm the food arrived. Abbie got rid of all the packaging, and then arranged the food on plates in the oven. A little after 7.40 pm the doorbell rang to announce the arrival of Rose and Kate. To Abbie, Rose looked radiant, so healthy and alive despite her advancing years; Kate too seemed to glow, her complexion bright and clear.

  Abbie readily admitted to them that they were not to be punished this evening by having to eat her any of her culinary creations, and a teasing cheer went up when they were told it was Chinese.

  They all agreed the meal looked fabulous, enough food to feed an army: soup and prawn crackers, crispy duck with pancakes, followed by all their favourites. They paused between courses, enjoying their conversation and wine.

  The pause until the pudding was even longer as all three of them were well- fed by this point. They were all happy
in their closeness this evening and with the topics of conversation, no difficulties or awkwardness at all. Abbie was content with the evening and how it had worked out, spending this time with the two most important people in her life, the two who had so lovingly and willingly helped her through her darkest hours.

  By 11 pm Rose was yawning, and admitted that she was ready for bed. Abbie called for a taxi and, although she had enjoyed this time, she was in many ways glad it was now over as she wanted space. She had eaten well and enjoyed a few glasses of wine, not as much as her guests however, she wanted to be sober.

  At the door once the taxi had arrived, hugs and kisses were exchanged amid promises of doing this again soon. Abbie looked at them both, and with her emotions fully in check she paused and simply said,

  “Thank you both for all you’ve done to help me these past weeks, I will forever be grateful”. It was obvious to her that both Rose and Kate were of the same mind, that this had been an unofficial ‘thank you’ dinner, and she was glad of that. It was best that they had no idea it was goodbye.

  Once the house was empty of guests, Abbie closed her eyes standing in the dining room, and felt and breathed in the silence; it comforted her.

  She then cleared everything away, washing and drying the plates and cutlery and putting them in their correct place. She needed the entire house to be all in order for tomorrow. Once her work was done, she turned off the lights and went upstairs.

  After showering, and getting into bed, she lay and listened to the silence. There was the odd noise from the street - a dog’s bark, even the sound of occasional traffic in the distance – but otherwise all was quiet. She was listening to the sounds of normal life happening all around her, but these were sounds that she was now choosing to give up. Even as she lay in the darkness, her mind and heart did not waver: her future existence was to be elsewhere.

  That evening as she left her body and entered the astral plane, Peter, Isaac and Sarah were waiting to greet her.

  The brightness now seemed even stronger to her, somehow brighter than anything she’d experienced before. She was aware of the warmth from the glowing colours all around her, touching and comforting her spirit, soothing her completely.

  “We knew you would come” said Sarah. “We are aware it is nearly your chosen time”.

  “Yes, tomorrow; all my life is nearly in order, so tomorrow I can come. I just have one more thing to do”.

  Isaac smiled, “You may not realise it but your coming here has been a real blessing to us”.

  “How, what do you mean?’

  “You have a unique gift Abbie. You want to be with Peter and you shall be, but you can help others here too, having experienced everything you’ve been through”.

  “I don’t understand”.

  “When you come and stay here, we want you and Peter to take our place, and be the greeters of the astral realm. When we first met, I told you that Sarah and I had been here a very long time, and indeed, we have been, so long you cannot even begin to comprehend it. We would like to move on into our eternity, and we feel the astral plane is in safe guardianship with both you and Peter”.

  “You want to entrust this amazing place to me?”

  “Yes, to you both, and we believe truly there is nobody better suited than you are”.

  Abbie looked at Peter and he was smiling, and she knew it was the right thing.

  “Yes then, and thank you” was her reply.

  As so often happened on her astral travel, she was not aware of actually coming back into her body, but evidently she had. As Abbie woke the next morning - and this day more than ever before - she could still feel the glow of comfort that the visit to Peter had brought her.

  ……………………………………………………………..

  It was still quite early when, after a few minutes of stretching her legs, Abbie stepped out of her front door and into the chilly morning air. The sun was just beginning to show itself over the nearby rooftops that had a hint of frost on them, making them glisten in the early morning light.

  Abbie pulled her hat over her ears and set off for the park. Running through the lonely quiet streets, Abbie thought about the people behind windows and curtains just beginning their days. She wondered if any of them had anything as exciting about to happen as she did. She doubted it very much.

  At the park, there was a lone dog walker with an elderly greying dog that wobbled with each step. The man smiled and nodded to Abbie as they passed, and she returned the greeting.

  This morning Abbie was savouring the fresh air, aware that she would not do this again, and she would not benefit from this exercise in the future. After two laps of the park she approached the gate, and slowed her pace to look up at the hill that rose front of her, the summit and the war memorial filling the skyline in the distance.

  To ensure that her muscles were fully and adequately warmed up, she chose to run a third lap of the park, this time varying her pace between faster and slower efforts, to make sure all the blood was flowing where it should. She used this lap also to change her mind’s focus from the joys of the outdoors and wonderment of nature to the seriousness of the task ahead. She wanted to complete this and she felt her strength was enough to do it, but it would be hard. She had failed in her attempts before, but if she could do this final task, truly everything in her life would be complete.

  Full of determination, Abbie set off up the path that led to the top of the hill. She felt light on her feet even as the path grew steeper; she found her stride stronger, and she noticed the crispness of leaves underfoot. The ferns all around her were still a deep rust colour, but the grass at the edge of the path was green and crisp in the morning frost.

  After several minutes, her legs began to tire rapidly; her breathing was becoming more laboured with each step. She focused ahead, looking only at the top of the hill, but as she tired her right foot caught a tree root and she stumbled forward, almost losing her footing. She realised she was only just about half way up; she told herself to focus ahead of her but also be vigilant to anything that might make her to fall on the path.

  Ahead of her the path widened slightly, and now there were fewer obstacles, she could put her head down and just run. Abbie didn’t know how long she could keep this going for, it hurt too much; her legs burned, muscles crying for her to stop, but she went on. Her pace was greatly reduced but she kept moving forward at a good pace. At the point before the ground rose up again even more steeply, some three-quarters of the way up and for a few yards it levelled off. Somehow, this was enough for her legs to feel the benefit, and by the time the path again began to incline, she was able to give more effort.

  Pumping her arms through the air, taking great gasps of breath and powering her legs along, Abbie could feel she was actually now physically accelerating.

  With about 100 metres to go, she felt herself go dizzy, her body being overcome by a sudden sense of weakness. She thought she might faint but kept her head up; the whole world had moved left and right.

  Then she realised she had experienced this before, and in a moment she was above and outside of her body, looking down at herself running over the ground. She was aware of Peter, Isaac and Sarah all encouraging her to run, to make it, to achieve her final goal. As she saw herself run past the place where she had given up last time through exhaustion, she knew this was the home stretch, but she didn’t want to be a spectator, she needed to feel it experience it.

  Within a breath, she was back inside herself and the physical jolt of the sudden rush of adrenaline combined with the lack of oxygen in her system hit her hard; she was panting, pushing hard, her mouth dry, her whole body burned in every limb. It was as though she was fighting the very air through which she ran, to reach the top of the hill.

  “I did it! I did it!” but the words came out in a whisper through her dry lips as she slowed to a walking pace underneath the towering the war memorial at the top of the hill. The air felt cool in its shadow. Panting, gasp
ing, she put her hands on her hips and for a few minutes she couldn’t move, couldn’t think, only breathe.

  After a while Abbie began to recover and her breathing slowly returned to normal, but now her chest hurt if she took a deep breath, and she was almost wheezing every time she exhaled. Her legs felt solid from the amount of lactic acid accumulated in them. She felt she had to sit down, so she did so on the stone plinth beneath the statue.

  Looking at the expanse of the land and the town below her, the realisation of what she’d just achieved began to sink in. It was now all done, all completed, there was now nothing left at all.

  Abbie stood up and a flood of emotions again rose within her; she couldn’t stop or contain the tears that ran down her face, tears of relief and of the end of frustration. Tears for her achievement, and happiness that this was done. Tears of sadness that her life as she had known it so far, was shortly to end. Tears at the sadness and pain of those she was leaving behind. Tears at how selfish she had fund she was able to be, in all of this. Tears that she never wanted to have grieved for her lost love. Moreover, tears of joy that she somehow had found him again.

  Abbie stood and wiped her eyes and her face on her sleeve. No more tears, she thought, all is now well, and with that she set off back down the hill to her house for the final time.

  Abbie jogged at a steady pace down the hill path and through the town, back to her home. As she did so she was aware that her body was cooling down after the physical exertion. As she turned into her road, and ran to her house the thought ‘never doing this again’ passed through her mind, but she paid it no attention; Peter was more important.