Saving Her

by Noelle, Alexis

  “You know why I’m here.” His eyes never leave me, his tone is strong and dominant.

  My anger spikes at the fact that he had the nerve to come here after I told him to stay away. I don’t move to let him in. “I told you earlier, I can’t do this anymore. I’m not made for this type of thing.”

  “Let me in Lacey.” I shake my head. “Please.”

  I think that may be the first time he’s ever asked me for something instead of demanding. I feel my feet moving to the side as I’m screaming at myself to stop, not to let him in. He walks past me and sits down on the couch. I am not falling for this shit again. I take a seat on the recliner far away from him. Half of me is scared of what he will say and the other half is seriously regretting the fact that I ended our little arraignment.

  “Why?” I tilt my head and look at him in confusion. “Why are you ending this? Why can’t it be good enough?”

  “Why can’t what be good enough? You coming here, burying yourself in me and then running out like a bat out of hell? Because I deserve more. I deserve someone who actually wants me for more than a damn empty hole, and that’s all you make me feel like.” I can feel my eyes starting to get watery, damn hormones. I will not cry in front of him.

  “None of that is true.” He isn’t looking at me anymore.

  “Well that’s exactly how it seems. I can’t be the girl you come to when you want to hide but ignore when anyone else is watching.”

  He stands up and walks over to me. After a few seconds he gets down on his knees in front of me. “I can’t give you what you want. I don’t know how to, and I’m not even sure that I want to. But I want you.” His face is serious, his eyes locked on mine.

  “What do you mean you don’t know how to? It’s not like you need an instruction manual to treat someone right. I mean look at your relationship with the guys you all love each other like brothers. That right there proves you’re capable.”

  He shakes his head. “There is a difference between love and loyalty. I don’t love anyone. For me that word has no meaning. It doesn’t exist.” Well, shit. He is more screwed up than I thought. I think I’m losing it because hearing him say these things only makes me want him more. I can see such pain behind his eyes. I want to take it away.

  “Mason everyone is capable of love. It isn’t something that needs to be complicated. You just need to get out of your own head enough to let it in. I’m not asking you to love me, I just want you to stop hiding from me. Trust me enough to know I won’t hurt you.” I run my hand down his cheek touching him for the first time since he came in.

  He stands up and my eyes follow him. “If you lived life the way I had you would understand. Love is toxic. It’s twisted. It’s evil. It leads to pain, humiliation, and everlasting scars. It is a tool of the devil masked with angel wings.”

  I’m taken back by the sureness in his voice, by his tainted view of something so beautiful. I stand up so we are face to face. “What happened to you?”

  “That is not something we are going to talk about. The type of ugliness I’ve lived through is nothing that I want to burden you with. I just don’t know how to give you what you want. You’re asking for something I’m incapable of.” He looks away from me avoiding my gaze in what seems to be embarrassment.

  “What if I lessened my expectations?” He meets my gaze once more. “When you come here you take a piece of me with you, every single time. I want the same. You give me one piece when you come here, and I can live with that.” My voice is soft and almost pleading.

  “What do you mean? What are you asking me for Lacey?” His eyes seem to be searching mine for answers and I feel like I can hear a tinge of fear in his voice.

  “I want answers. Whenever you come here I have the right to ask you one question. You have to answer it truthfully and without argument. That way I feel like I’m not the only one who is willing to put themselves out there.” My nerves spike at the anticipation of his reply.

  “I'm not gonna let you play twenty questions with me. I have too much ugliness in me to give you that type of free reign.”

  “What about one?” Hee looks at me in confusion and intrigue.

  “What?”

  I raise my eyebrow at him. “One question. One answer. You get me.”

  “Is this it? The only way we will work?” I nod. He takes an audible breath as I wait on pins and needles. “Fine. One question, but you will have to accept the answer you get and I get to leave after. This is not something I am comfortable with, but I’m willing to try.”

  I can’t help the smile that breaks on my face. I wrap my arms around him and he jumps at the contact before hesitantly embracing me. “Can I start now?”

  “Yea. Just remember that I am leaving after my answer. Tonight can be your freebie.” He grabs my hand and walks me over to the couch. Once I sit his mouth presses against mine, his tongue invading mine and caressing me like silk.

  “I thought I wasn’t going to get to do that anymore.” He moves away from me and seems to be bracing himself for my inquisition.

  “Why won’t you let me see you with the lights on?” Every time he is here I try to sneak and flip them on but he catches me. He is so beautiful like this, that it kills me when I can’t see him without anything on.

  Mason stands placing a soft kiss on my lips. “Because you can’t hide scars in the light. The darkness is my protection. It shields me.”

  Without another word he leaves. I’m sitting here awestruck left with more questions now than I had before. However at least now I have hope. He just needs time. He needs to take it slow. Baby steps.

  His answer haunts me though.

  What kind of scars does he have?

  How did he get them?

  What happened to him?

  Chapter Nine

  Why do you call me angel?

  Because the first day I saw you, you were in this white dress.

  You looked so pure. I could tell that if I let you, you just might be able to save me.

  It scared the shit out of me so I pushed you away as hard as I could.

  It’s been one week since I asked Mason to try, since he agreed to slowly let me in. I’ve uncovered little things about him bit by bit. I have learned a few things too. One is that if any of my questions involve his childhood he shuts down.

  What was your favorite thing to do growing up?

  Nothing. Hide and seek was the only thing I did, and it wasn’t for fun.

  His parents are also a very touchy subject.

  Tell me about your parents. Where are they? Do you still talk to them?

  If there is any sort of God they are burning in hell.

  I may not always like the answer he gives me but I am so happy he is giving them to me. The fact that he has given me this concession lets me know that I’m not wasting my time with him. He can change. He can be someone I can give myself to the way I want to. I just need to make sure I don’t push him too far, too fast. If I do I know he will shut down and run. I can see his flight instinct every time I ask him a question. He wants to run, but he doesn’t.

  Today is my first gynecologist appointment since I found out I was pregnant. I am so excited that I arrive at the office twenty minutes early. I can’t help but wish Mason was here. I am going to need to tell everyone soon. I have a small bump but it’s nothing that can’t be explained away by bloating or too many sweets. I am thinking I have about a month and a half before that excuse won’t work. All the websites say women start to really show around twelve weeks.

  I am hoping I can break through Mason’s barrier enough by then that it won’t be as horrible of a reaction as I am envisioning. As I sit in the waiting room I imagine what our daughter will look like. I don’t know why but I have this overwhelming feeling that it is a girl. Will she have my hair, his eyes? Hopefully she has my demeanor and social skills.

  I hear laughing and look up my breath instantly catching in my throat. It’s Scott and his mistress. Her belly is huge and she
looks like she is about to pop any minute. Just my damn luck. Maybe if I look back at my phone they won’t notice me.

  The fact that they are here together only makes me think about how Mason isn’t here, how I haven’t even told him yet. They are a family, I’m just knocked up.

  “Well who would have thought we would run into you here.” I look up and Scott is standing in front of me. I hate his face so much. His eyes move down my body stopping at my stomach where I consciously have my hands splayed. “Wait a minute. Are you?” I feel my face heat and I am trying to come up with something to say, but it’s like my tongue is useless. “I’ll take your silence as a yes. Well, I guess we both got what we wanted.” He reaches behind, grasping her hand. “Well I’ve had what I wanted for a while now. I just needed to get rid of the deadweight.” He winks at me before leading her out of the office.

  I fucking hate him. Why did I just sit here like some pathetic asshole? I should have told him where to shove it. Panic rises inside of me that he knows. Will he say anything to anyone? Please don’t let him blow me out of the water right now.

  “Lacey” I look up to see the nurse standing there holding my chart. I stand and follow her back to the room. “Now, you need to get undressed from the waist down, the doctor will be in to see you shortly.” She leaves and I begin to undress.

  As I sit here waiting I can’t believe I’m actually here. Apparently if I wasn’t considered high-risk they wouldn’t even be seeing me yet. That word is so scary, high-risk. It’s basically a nice way of saying you might be fucked. My hands trail to my stomach as they seem to a lot lately. I cannot wait for the first time I feel her kick. The door opens and my doctor walks in.

  He goes through all of the necessary basic information, making sure nothing changed then he gets down to the nitty gritty. Just like my oncologist he seems shocked by my unwavering choice. I have no doubt and it may seem like no fear, even though that’s a bold faced lie. I’m scared but I know that I was meant to have this baby.

  I had a dream the other night that I was holding her and she was so beautiful. She looked like a mix of Mason and I. I love this baby so much already I can’t imagine what it will be like when she actually gets here. I think maybe this is why I don’t want to tell anyone else either. I don’t want them to burst my bubble.

  I realize the doctor is still talking and decide maybe I should stop talking to myself and pay attention. “You need to understand how the symptoms of not treating your cancer may become worse as the symptoms of pregnancy become more apparent. Normally in pregnancy pelvic pain and bleeding are huge red flags, for you they may become an everyday occurrence. It will be hard to tell which are caused by the pregnancy and which are caused by the cancer. If you feel like you need to you can call for an appointment anytime or go to the emergency room.”

  I nod in understanding. He then performs an ultrasound with the big wand in my lady bits and I curse his soul the entire time. You think having sex with Mason I would be used to having big things shoved up my hoo-ha, but nope this shit was not pleasant. I leave after he is finished and make an appointment in another month. I have to come every month so that they can continue to monitor me and the baby.

  Usually pregnancy is such a fun time but for me it has been nothing but worry so far. Worrying about my health, about people finding out, about Mason’s reaction. Well I’m done. This may be the only time I ever get to be pregnant so I’m going to enjoy it.

  My phone vibrates and I look down to see a text from Jules.

  Jules: Meet up for drinks tonight?

  Me: I can’t. I have some work to catch up on. Sorry!

  I can’t help but wonder how long I will be able to keep up this charade.

  Chapter Ten

  Mason rolls off of me as I try to catch my breath. I am so glad we came to our little compromise because having him in my bed every night is a damn gift from God. He looks over at me and I smile.

  “My favorite part of the night.” I wink at him.

  “If you getting to ask me a question is your favorite part of the night then why don’t you scream that loud after my answer. I think what happens before the question is your favorite part.” He gives me a squeeze as his stubble tickles my skin.

  I press my lips against his breathing him in and building our connection even more. I swear I feel like our time during the day is the only time I’m really living. He makes me feel so alive and vibrant. I pull away and sit up looking down at him. “Let me see you with the lights on.”

  “That’s not a question. You’re breaking the rules.”

  I shake my head. “It is a question. I’m asking you to let me see you with the lights on.”

  “You would find a damn loophole.” I can see the hesitation in his eyes. He seems to fidget with unease as he contemplates my request. “Fine.”

  I stand up and walk over to the light switch flipping it up then turning to face him. He is lying on the bed and seems to be unmoving like a statue frozen in place. I move closer climbing back onto the bed beside him. My eyes scan his chest and a sharp pain stabs at my heart. My eyes well with tears as I take in the sight before me. His chest is strong, well-defined, and scarred beyond belief. He has small circle like ones, long slashes, and short sharp lines marring his beautiful body. Without a word he turns onto his stomach and my hand flies over my mouth to hold in a sob that wants to wreck through my body. His back is just as bad, lines of scars all over, memories of pain marked on his body forever.

  How did this happen? A tear slips down my cheek as I imagine the pain he must have endured. I feel his arms wrap around me.

  “I tried to shield you from this. From seeing the hideous monster I am when I’m completely exposed.” He isn’t looking at me his eyes are trained on his marks.

  “You aren't a hideous monster you're a beautiful disaster.” His green eyes meet mine and for the first time his guard is completely down. I can see all of the hurt and pain behind his eyes. I run my hand up and down his back letting him know that this doesn’t scare me. That he doesn’t scare me. His expression isn't cold and guarded like he normally is when we're together. He's silently pleading with me and I can't help but to touch him, to let him know I'm here. I can tell by the way he is looking at me that he wants to trust me, to let me in, but he’s broken. After seeing this I hope that I am strong enough to help fix him. “Tell me. Please?” He moves away from me so quickly that I lose my balance and fall onto the bed. When I look over at him he is already half-dressed. “Don’t run. You don’t need to shut me out Mason. You can trust me.”

  His eyes meet mine, there is a fear in them. I don’t know if it is fear of unacceptance, but this interaction scared him. The walls that where gone only a minute ago are up again and stronger than ever. “This topic is not one I am willing to dive into. I did what you wanted and now I’m leaving.” Before I can respond he is out the door.

  I lay there thinking about everything he has told me. Hide and seek was the only thing I did, and it wasn’t for fun. If there is any sort of God they are burning in hell. He won’t speak about his childhood or anything before joining the Army. All I can picture as I lay there is a hurt and lost little boy. One who cowers from any touch that is offered. Who hides from the people meant to protect him. Who loses all faith in the meaning of love.

  My heart aches as I think of him alone in bed. Trying to cope with the demons that must haunt him. This may be a stupid decision, but I stand up and get dressed. I grab my keys before getting into my car and driving over to Mason’s apartment. As I sit outside I have no idea what I’m doing here or what I will say once I go in.

  I knock on the door and Jake answers. “Lacey? What are you doing here?”

  “I uh…I wanted to talk to Mason.” Jake steps to the side and I walk in.

  “Second door on the right. Just follow the grunts and sounds of things hitting the ground.” He laughs as he walks back to the couch and restarts whatever he was watching. I walk down the hallway stopping in front o
f Mason’s room. I hear loud thuds like things being banged against the wall. When I open the door Mason has his back to me. He has a tennis ball in his hand and is throwing it at the wall in front of him. Every time it makes contact there is a loud sound and he catches it on the rebound. He is putting his whole body into this throw and groaning with each throw.

  He must sense that the door is open because he turns my way. “What are you doing here?”

  “I don’t really know. I just felt like I needed to see you.”

  “We were done for the night. That’s how things are. It’s what you agreed to.” His voice is monotone. There is no emotion, no passion. His wall is up and it’s twice as thick as it was before. I thought having him show himself to me would be a break through, it was the complete opposite.

  “I know it is. Tonight was different. You know it just as much as I do.” Tonight, he let me in. Even if it was only for a second. Tonight I got the feeling that I might be starting to fall in love with him.

  “No. Nothing is different. It can’t be.” I shut the door and step closer to him

  “It can be and it is. I care about you Mason Brooks. Whether you are ready to accept that or not it’s the truth.” I reach for him but he steps back.

  “If I would have known you would fall for me I would have never touched you. I would have listened to my instincts and kept pushing you away.” His response is low and the fact that he might regret us, hurts me.

  “Why am I so unlovable?” I felt this way with Scott for years and I hate it.

  “It's not you it's me. I'm not capable of love.” He sits on the edge of his bed, his eyes trained on the floor.

  “Why do you refuse to understand that I want to help you? I want to be here for you. You are capable of it. You may have had a horrible past but I want to make your future fucking wonderful.” He still isn’t looking at me so I decide to show him what I mean in a way Mason understand best.