Forbidden Desires

by Banerjee, Madhuri

  One day after her yoga at Lodhi Gardens she decided to roam the shops of Khan Market to spend more time with herself and clear her head.

  ‘One black coffee please and a slice of pound cake,’ Kavita said to the waiter. She was sitting at Café Turtle, her favourite haunt for coffee and pastries.

  As she waited for her coffee she got an SMS from Sara. ‘She was visiting Delhi the coming weekend, could they catch up?’ Kavita didn’t know how to reply so she didn’t. She finished her coffee and roamed the bookstores. She also popped bv the Good Earth shop for some more items on the Buddha. Somewhere she felt that it was because of this that she had gotten so far. Learnings from Buddhism made her more calm and focused. She always picked up a painting or a statue of Buddha in many forms to decorate her house. No one in her family understood why she did so. While they would all sit and pray to idols during festivals, Kavita would read more about Buddhism and find solace in meditation.

  After hours of sitting and reading at a bookstore and roaming the streets of Khan Market, Kavita sat down for a hearty lunch of pasta at Big Chill. As she ate, she pondered. Why was she scared of meeting Sara again? Did she think she would fall in love with Sara? Would it affect her relationship with Gaurav? But which relationship? Wasn’t their marriage a sham anyway? Even when they slept together, Kavita didn’t like it anymore. Didn’t her teachings tell her that there was no wrong or right in life. There was no good or bad. And when you started seeing yourself through other’s eyes, you would fall instantly. If you could remove judgement from life and stop becoming judgemental about the self, wouldn’t that be the greatest liberation of the soul?

  Kavita thought there was a reason why she was different from her family, from her friends. While everyone believed in one way, she always sought out something more. She had tried to conform for so long. With marriage, with motherhood, her beliefs, her sexuality. But she wasn’t like them. For so long she had suppressed it. It was time she embraced it.

  Kavita picked up her phone and replied to Sara. ‘I’m looking forward to meeting you.’

  And suddenly she was sure. This was the only way she could live. By being truthful to herself. By cherishing a feeling that was within her instead of admonishing it. She felt a heavy weight lift from her shoulders. The dawn of a new day.

  KAAJAL

  24

  Kaajal: 30. Lawyer. Short. Slim. Beautiful. Curly brown hair. Smiling eyes. In a complicated relationship. Loves to shop.

  ‘Are you on Tinder?’ Kaajal asked her friend, Tarini, while they were eating momos at Chanakya Yashwant Place.

  ‘Tinder?’ Tarini asked as she took a bit of spicy chutney onto her plate.

  ‘Tinder. It’s an app for meeting random people.’

  ‘For random sex?’

  ‘Yes.’ Kaajal took a sip of her Thums Up. How she loved these momos, the spicy chutney, and then washing it down with a Thums Up. Her sister thought it was vile and she never understood the delight in sitting in a restaurants while food was served on plastic plates by young waiters.

  ‘Why would I be on Tinder? I’m married.’

  Kaajal smiled. ‘Many married men are on Tinder. Why can’t married women be on it too?’

  ‘Because that’s cheating.’

  Kaajal stuck her tongue out at her friend. ‘As if married people don’t cheat. They’re the ones who are most bored and want random sex. Single people still want to get married.’

  ‘Where is this conversation going?’ Tarini asked as she polished off the last piece on her plate.

  Kaajal shrugged her shoulders. ‘I’m just saying. I saw a profile of your husband on Tinder and was wondering if you knew he was on it.’

  ‘What did you just say? You must be mistaken.’ Tarini shuffled in her purse for some money to pay for their momos.

  ‘No, no I’m paying,’ Kaajal said. ‘And don’t stress, babe. The best way to get over a man cheating on you is to cheat right back!’

  Tarini didn’t say anything.

  ‘So what do you want to do about that?’

  ‘So what happens then? Does he meet you?’

  ‘Are you mad? I ain’t doing your husband. I’m doing someone else’s!’ Kaajal said as she burst into giggles. She had confessed to Tarini about her relationship long back. Kaajal and Tarini had met at a play at Kamani auditorium. They had been so ravenously hungry by the interval that even after the play started they were the only two people eating the greasy samosas outside. Then they decided to watch the rest of the play sitting in the aisle since their front row seats were taken. Since then they became friends who often went for performances at the Kamani auditorium to get their culture fix and to eat greasy food in different places across Delhi to fill their street food craving.

  When Kaajal started sleeping with a married man, it wasn’t Kavita whom she confessed to. It was Tarini. Initially it was an emotional upheaval but soon things settled down to a comfortable level.

  ‘Actually,’ Tarini said, ‘I don’t need to be on Tinder to find a man. I already have one!’

  Now Kaajal was interested. ‘So I don’t really care what Sanjay is up to. He can sleep with whomever he wants!’

  ‘So,’ Kaajal said as she took a bit of saunf from the bowl that came with her change. ‘Who is it? Tell! Tell!’

  ‘Varun.’

  ‘Who’s Varun?’

  ‘A friend of mine.’ Tarini was nonchalant.

  Kaajal was a little more sceptical. ‘Where have I heard this name before?’

  Tarini looked a bit sheepish as she said, ‘All I’m saying is that if Sanjay wants to go out and screw people, well screw him because I am getting as much as he can! Now do you want to go to Sarojini or not?’

  Kaajal stood up to go. ‘Yes let’s do that. I want some new scarves for work.’

  As they walked to the auto stand Kaajal shrieked. ‘Oh my God! I just realized where I’ve heard that name before. Isn’t that Ayesha’s husband? Varun?’

  Tarini smiled coyly. Kaajal shoved her. ‘Good for you. Sleeping with your best friend’s hubby!’

  ‘Ex-best friend!’ Tarini said quickly. ‘We haven’t spoken for so long. We barely meet except for her Diwali parties, you know? Those lavish parties she throws so everyone sees how powerful she is. And besides, I think she’s having an affair too. I haven’t told Varun, obviously. But I think everyone in this world is entitled to have some fun.’

  ‘So you are going to have an open marriage?’ Kaajal asked.

  ‘No, an open marriage is when both parties know that the other is sleeping around. This is just a happy marriage!’

  Kaajal and Tarini both laughed as they got off the auto at Sarojini Nagar. Like most of Delhi’s middle class, the two of them loved Sarojini Nagar for its great bargains. And it was never just about the clothes, when one went to Sarojini Nagar; it was about the experience of hunting around for great quality and low prices. It was a time that would be remembered later when women bought things from Jimmy Choo and Louis Vuitton at DLF Emporio. If a woman didn’t have the shakarkandi at Sarojini Nagar with extra masala and nimbu, the delicate waffles at Emporio would never taste as sweet.

  Kaajal said, ‘I agree that marriages get boring. People should just live together. Then at least you can walk out whenever you want to. And then the reason to stay is because you believe in the love. Not the paper that binds you.’

  ‘Look, sometimes paper binds you and sometimes sex does. The fact is that you choose what life path you need. I love Sanjay. He’s a great guy. An amazing father. He’s loving and caring. He gives me the freedom to be what I want. He gives me money to spend as I like. Why should I leave him? Just because we’ve lost interest in sex with each other? Well that’s a stupid reason.’

  Kaajal thought about it. ‘But don’t you want your person to be faithful and loyal?’

  Tarini shook her head. ‘In bed? Why? What is faithful? The Shiv lingam is worshipped by millions of women. Why should one woman hold on to one man then?’

 
; Kaajal shook her head. ‘I don’t know. You know I am in a relationship with a married man but I would still want him to be faithful to me. I know he’s not sleeping with his wife. And he’s planning to leave her. You can say that’s my warped notion of fidelity.’

  Tarini picked out a bag from a stall as she said to Kaajal, ‘Marriage is more than sex. You know sooner or later, people get tired of the same type of sex. They know each other’s moves. Even if you’ve experimented with stuff, your bodies get tired. Sex is more mental then. I now need to psych myself into having sex with Sanjay. Only then can I be wet and ready. No matter what he does, if in my head I don’t want to, I can never have sex. And after some time in a marriage, one just doesn’t want to psych themselves up anymore. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. I mean he’s wonderful with my parents and family. Why should we separate or divorce for such a silly reason as sex?’

  ‘Hmmm,’ Kaajal pondered aloud. ‘I hate to admit it but are you making sense there?’

  ‘The only problem will be when Varun is transferred back to Lucknow. Then I’ll just have to get on Tinder, right?’ Tarini said with a laugh.

  Kaajal wondered if she should speak to her married man about this. If he never planned to leave his wife, then what would she tell her family? Ultimately she wanted a companion in her life. It need not be a marriage certificate, but just someone to depend on. She had hoped her love, her passion and her dedication would have proved how much she needed him in her life and vice versa. She didn’t know whether it was the spicy momos or the conversation she just had, but Kaajal was feeling like she was going to throw up!

  25

  It had been a long day at work before Kaajal could speak to her boss. She had kept a vrat for him and she needed to tell him that.

  ‘Sir, may I come in?’ Kaajal said as she entered his cabin. They had been extremely professional about their relationship in the workplace. She called him Sir and he treated her as a junior as all bosses did. Otherwise the firm would kick both of them out.

  ‘Yes, Kaajal,’ The boss looked up from his desk and smiled at her. ‘Shut the door behind you.’

  He thought she looked amazing. He had never seen her like this. Decked up in a salwar kameez with mehndi on her hands. ‘What the…’ He fumbled for the appropriate words.

  ‘It’s Karwa Chauth.’

  ‘Oh Dear God! Not you as well!’

  ‘I thought you would like a bit of devotion from me. You rarely get it,’ Kaajal said as she put her hands on her hips and raised one eyebrow.

  The boss came around to her and put his arms around her before she moved away, looking towards the door which was unlocked. She locked it. Checked it again to make sure.

  ‘The only devotion I want from you is what you know best.’

  Kaajal smiled. ‘So you want me to break my fast?’

  The boss pulled her towards the bathroom. ‘Isn’t Karwa Chauth about making the man happy? How about I tell you ways in which you can do that without starving yourself?’

  Kaajal protested a little while he dragged her towards the adjoining loo, ‘But this is for your long life.’

  ‘Well, let’s see what other long things can come out of this fast.’

  He pulled her to the bathroom and Kaajal knew she could take control then. He started kissing her. Then, she just slapped him. Kaushik stared back defiantly. She unleashed a volley of abuses, including one for his mother. Kaushik smiled. ‘Now you’re asking for it.’ Kaajal slapped him again. This time, he slapped her back. Hard.

  Kaajal cried out in pain. She dared him to do it again. He slapped her across her face. She wanted more. Harder slaps. The tension built. He pulled her hair and slapped her again. She pulled him and kissed his mouth. Bit his lips. Pulled his hair. She dragged him outside to his sofa.

  She leaned close over his face, her tongue in his mouth…she kissed him…she moved her hands up, pinned against a wall, face-first, he held both of her arms above her head and dug his nails into her back, ripping her dress and leaving marks.

  He took his belt off. She bent along the top of the sofa. Her hands were tied together with a leather belt and she watched herself in the mirror on the opposite wall as Kaushik moved behind her, spanked her hard, causing her to cry out again. She begged for more. She begged for Kaushik to call her his whore. She bent over some more. Tears started to roll down her cheeks. He hit her harder, called her a filthy slut. She is stretched, spread-eagled and face down on the sofa, her heart hammering inside her chest. Her back arches back…back…her head tilts back…she extends her arms…he enters her. Sweet taste of blood in her mouth. He pushes and rams himself inside her hard. She reaches a climax. She’s never felt so complete in her life.

  He gave her some water as he pulled his trousers up and put on his belt. ‘Thank you. This was the best Karwa Chauth I’ve ever had.’

  Kaajal smiled. No wife could do that for him.

  26

  Kaajal heard the phone ring while she was playing Connect Four with Vansh. She put a red coin in the slot and said, ‘There, connect four! I beat you!’

  Vansh threw a fit. ‘No fair, Maasi. You cheated!’

  Kaajal smiled and ruffled his head before picking up the phone. It was Tarini.

  ‘What are you doing? Want to go for drinks later?’ Tarini rattled off without waiting for a reply. ‘Let’s go to that Gurgaon place. Raasta na? We liked it last time. Shall we go there again or try something new?’

  Kaajal rolled her eyes as she got up from the kitchen chair to make herself a cup of tea. ‘We just met yesterday, Tarini. Don’t you have any work? Such a housewife you are!’

  Tarini felt offended. ‘Fine if you don’t want to go then it’s okay yaar. And what’s wrong with being a housewife? You know how much work we do?’

  ‘No! No. I’m kidding. I’m sure you have lots of work!’

  ‘Stop being sarcastic yaar. Not all of us want to work hard for the rest of our lives. Working at home and managing children is also a big task.’

  ‘How you people have no ambition is beyond me. But whatever floats your boat, honey. Of course I will go.’ Kaajal wondered if Tarini seriously had nothing better to do than spend all her husband’s money. Was this her life’s purpose? Kaajal had seen her mother suffer from being just a housewife. Their father had abandoned them when they were younger. It had left an indelible scar on her. She had promised herself two things. One, she would never succumb to marriage. And two, she would always be financially independent.

  Tarini defended herself. ‘Not everyone is as ambitious as you are, Kaajal. Some of us enjoy looking after our families. That’s what gives us purpose.’

  Kaajal didn’t interrupt Tarini. She loved her friend but honestly never understood her. She often asked Tarini probing questions like, ‘what would happen if your husband died and you had to look after yourself?’ Tarini would only laugh and say that wouldn’t happen. Kaajal would ask Tarini what she would do when her two children grew up and stopped needing her? Tarini would answer, ‘Find more friends to party with!’ Kaajal felt it was a waste of a life. Such an intelligent, talented person like Tarini could do so much with her life but was wasting it.

  Tarini, meanwhile, often wondered why Kaajal was so judgemental and couldn’t bring herself to accept her for her choices and be happy for her. Maybe Kaajal needed some security in her life, like a good man and a happy marriage!

  Kaajal didn’t want to argue. ‘Should we call a few people we haven’t met in some time?’

  ‘Like who?’

  ‘Varun and Kaushik?’ Kaajal laughed at her own joke. Wouldn’t it be absolutely delicious to go out with married men in a public place!

  ‘Yeah right. As if they’ll come.’

  ‘These bloody affairs I tell you. There’s never any dignity in them at all. Anyway, see you at Geoffrey’s at eight?’

  ‘Okay.’

  Kaajal put the phone down and thought about it. Even though she loved Tarini, sometimes she felt their conversations wer
e stilted. Tarini spoke about food, her husband, her affair, clothes, movies and the plays they watched together. She went on vacations with her husband and used his money to buy herself things. All the while she was having an affair behind his back. Somewhere Kaajal felt that was morally wrong. And yet society would always see her as the ‘other woman’ who ‘stole’ the man who had stood rightfully behind his wife. How strange society was.

  Society applauded women who chose to get married, stay at home, raise children and live off their husbands. And yet it looked down upon women who chose to work to fund their own expenses, be suspicious about women who dated to find happiness and ridiculed women who chose to live alone and not be a burden on anyone. Housewives were applauded and single women were creatures the society didn’t know how to handle.

  ‘Strange.’ The only words that escaped Kaajal’s lips.

  ‘Maasi, can I go to Ameya’s house for a play date?’ Vansh suddenly asked, startling her a bit.

  Kaajal asked, ‘Has his mother given you permission?’

  ‘Yes you can speak to her now.’

  Kaajal took the mobile that was given to Vansh to talk to Ameya’s mother. It was stranger that Kavita and Gaurav had given their only child a mobile phone at the age of six. But since she wasn’t a parent, she hadn’t raised the issue. She thought it was too young an age for a child to get a phone. But Kavita felt that it was a small device that allowed him to call five numbers that were most important at any time and if he was in danger he could just press any number for an emergency. Kaajal thought this was exactly why she didn’t want to get married and have kids. It was a dangerous world to bring your child into. And you would never be able to do anything if all your thoughts and actions were on how to keep your child safe.

  She hung up the phone and told Vansh to put his shoes on. She walked down the road to drop Vansh for his play date and was assured by the mother that she would drop him home by seven thirty. By that time Kavita would be back and she would be able to leave for her drinks date with Tarini.