Forbidden Desires

by Banerjee, Madhuri

  31

  The most significant day of your life doesn’t have to be an entire day. It might be a single conversation, one that changes your perspective towards everything you know. Or perhaps the thoughts and feelings you’ve had till that moment when they finally come together like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that you can now see clearly to understand what your choices are.

  Naina rushed back home to find out more gossip about her husband’s firm. She knew it would connect Kaushik and her. Maybe he would think she was interested in his work. She rarely understood anything about law. All she knew was cooking and he was not interested in that anymore. He loved to eat her food. Not talk about how she made it. Or what her plans were. Maybe some office gossip would get them talking again.

  But by the time she could speak to Kaushik, it was eight thirty in the evening. The girls had gone to sleep and as usual Kaushik was sitting and watching TV in his room. Naina and Kaushik hadn’t eaten their supper yet. She asked him, ‘Do you want to have dinner now or later?’

  ‘Later. I’ll have a drink first.’

  Naina went to the bar and got him a scotch on the rocks. While she was giving it to him she said, ‘Hey, you know I met the girls today. And one of them told me that there is this girl Kaajal, in your office. She’s having an affair.’

  Kaushik’s hand froze. The glass dropped from his hand and the contents splashed on the floor as the shards of glass cracked on the cool floor of Naina’s bedroom. Naina noticed it, of course, the shocked reaction, and that was her clue that there was no coincidence. She needed to be sure.

  Kaushik looked at her and tried to cover up his mistake. ‘Oh shit!’ he exclaimed over-dramatically. ‘The glass is all over. Naina! Why couldn’t you give me the glass properly?’

  Naina didn’t know whether it was the shards of glass that had cut into her skin or his reaction that had cut into her heart.

  ‘Who is she having an affair with, Kaushik?’ she asked. She didn’t care about the mess for the first time in her life.

  ‘I don’t know, Naina. These are just rumours. How many employees does our firm have? How am I supposed to keep track of all these rumours?’

  Naina didn’t buy it. ‘Who is her boss?’

  ‘Look, let me clean this. I know you’re tired. And this so-called affair that you’re upsetting yourself with—this is just stupid gossip!’

  She stood still and didn’t say anything.

  ’You sit here. I’ll get this cleaned.’

  ‘I SAID, WHO IS HER BOSS, KAUSHIK?’

  Kaushik who had almost got up from the bed to clean up the glass that was lying between them sat back down and replied in a low voice, ‘I am. But…’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Naina shrieked. ‘Are you having an affair with her, Kaushik?’

  ‘Naina, I think we should not get hurt because of this glass. Let’s get Pushpa to clean this, please.’

  ‘You haven’t answered my question. Are you having an affair with her?’

  Kaushik sighed. ‘I’m sorry. I fucked up.’

  Kaushik got off from the other side of the bed and moved her away from the glass pieces. She felt as if she had been struck by lightning.

  ‘Don’t touch me,’ she hissed. ‘How could you?’

  ‘Naina, I…’

  ‘Shut up. I want to know how long you’ve been having this affair.’

  ‘What difference does that make?’

  ‘I WANT TO KNOW!’

  ‘Naina, please. You’ll wake up the kids.’

  ‘I’ll wake them up anyway. I want to know, Kaushik. How long has this been going on?’

  ‘Naina, please.’

  ‘Did you do it here?’

  Kaushik was stunned. He had never seen Naina so angry and venomous. ‘Did you do it in my room? In my house? On my bed?’

  Kaushik nodded. Naina held her head in disbelief and shock. ‘Oh my God, Kaushik. All these years. All these years I’ve given you and you…how could you? Why the fuck did you do this?’

  Kaushik had never heard Naina swear. Sweet pretty beautiful mother Naina. He had only seen her as gentle, calm, and caring. Naina was filled with rage. She began to hit Kaushik with all her strength and wept with tears streaming down her eyes.

  ‘You’ve changed, Naina,’ Kaushik said.

  Naina shrieked, ‘I’ve changed? Now you want to blame me for your infidelity?’

  Kaushik looked up at her. ‘Tum badal gayi ho.’

  Naina wiped away her tears. ‘Main badal gayi hoon? Tum bhi badal gaye ho. Rishtey badalte hain. That’s called a marriage. People need to change to become better. We move from a place of something that was…to something that we can be together. Zindagi mein log ek jaise nahin rehte hain, Kaushik.’

  Kaushik wanted to hold her but she was too quick for him. She moved away. She wiped her tears. ‘I don’t know what to do anymore.’

  Kaushik wanted to hold her. ‘Naina.’

  Naina stood there feeling helpless and burned. But she needed to know one last answer before she decided what to do. ‘Do you love her?’

  Kaushik shook his head, afraid of even his voice. He said softly, ‘No. Please forgive me.’

  She looked at him suddenly not believing what she heard. Not trusting the man she had spent ten years with. Not knowing what choices lay ahead.

  What does a woman do when she finds out her husband is having an affair? Does she choose to give him up and start over again? Does she forgive him because that’s all the life she knows anyway? Does she take him back for the sake of their children who need a father?

  She would be all alone all over again. She would have two girls to look after. She would need to get back to full-time work. What would she say to her children? If he was asking for forgiveness shouldn’t she give him another chance?

  ‘I can’t think right now.’ It was all Naina could say. ‘I can’t sleep on my bed either. I’m going to my mother’s place. You manage the kids tomorrow.’

  ‘Naina, let’s talk about this,’ Kaushik pleaded as Naina went to the bathroom, changed her clothes in a matter of seconds and grabbed her bag to leave.

  ‘No, I can’t talk right now. Please leave me alone. Manage the kids, Kaushik, till I come back. Just do that for me.’

  ‘Of course I will. They’re my kids too.’

  ‘Well you haven’t made them feel that for a long time. You’ve been too busy with your mistress.’ Naina banged the door shut behind her.

  Naina knew she needed to get away from there. From her own home! She didn’t think she would ever have to leave Kaushik like this. From the moment she had met him she was loyal and attached to him. She had never done anything wrong. And he had betrayed her. He had had an affair with his subordinate, fucking her on their marital bed. He had desecrated her home, the place which she had made for them. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know if she should call her mother.

  Sometimes parents get so involved with their children’s lives that they will never forgive the son-in-law even if you yourself do, eventually. There was no point in talking to the family. She knew she couldn’t go to her friends. No matter how lovely they all were they would tell her to just grin and bear it. She didn’t feel like having a conversation. She needed to get even. She needed revenge. She wanted to show Kaushik that he wasn’t the only one who could have an affair. She was just as desirable and just as wanted. She needed to be appreciated. She desperately wanted a man.

  She knew exactly where to go.

  32

  Gaurav had come back from his parents’ house and decided to start a business with his father’s money. He went to work one morning and quit his job that very day. Even before consulting Kavita. It was on that day that Kavita felt completely fed up with Gaurav and his decisions. They were sitting in the large lawn of their house, having a drink and talking.

  Gaurav was explaining his motive to Kavita while she listened quietly, slowly getting more drunk and angry. He spoke with great pride, ‘I think it’s a great bu
siness plan. It was something I needed to do.’

  ‘You should have taken my opinion before you quit your job.’

  ‘But I don’t need your opinion. I’m sure about this. This is what is going to make me happy.’

  ‘It’s not that. Couples need to consult each other before they take drastic steps like start a business, quit a job, have a baby, move residences. It’s what couples do. It’s called mutual respect.’

  Gaurav was quiet. He took a large gulp of his drink. ‘Why must everything be your way, Kavita? Why can’t things be for my happiness too?’

  ‘I’m not asking you not to be happy. I’m just asking for a little respect.’

  ‘And so am I. I see how our son looks at you and how he looks at me. I want to win his respect too.’

  ‘He does respect you.’

  ‘Not as much as he respects you.’

  ‘Why are we even talking about this? I was talking about your job.’

  Gaurav raised his voice. ‘Yes. MY job. I’m starting a business with my money. I didn’t ask you for money. All I asked you was for support. And you can’t give me even that?’

  ‘I do support you, Gaurav.’ Kavita could feel the beginning of a migraine attack.

  ‘Then let me do this and just be happy.’ Gaurav took his empty glass and stormed inside the house, leaving Kavita alone again to finish her drink and ponder their relationship.

  She stared at the stars and remembered how wonderful it had been with Sara on the beach. She took her mobile out of her pocket and dialed her number. ‘Hey.’ She whispered into it even though there was no one around. ‘Did I wake you up?’

  ‘No,’ Sara said. ‘I was up. Just reading.’

  ‘What were you reading?’ Kavita made light conversation, not wanting to talk about the fight with Gaurav or the fact that she was missing Sara so much.

  ‘Murakami.’

  ‘Murakami?’

  ‘Baby, Haruki Murakami is a Japanese writer who writes very esoterically. I’ll lend you some books when you come. Have you booked your ticket yet?’

  ‘Yes. It’s still a week away. Like I told you on the mail.’ Kavita’s sentences were short and brief. How could she tell Sara that she couldn’t wait that long anymore? She felt angry at herself. She felt frustrated with life. Why was God punishing her for her dead marriage? Why was the burden of this pretence so hard?

  ‘Listen, baby.’ Sara’s voice was gentle and calm. ‘I know it’s difficult for you to live in this world where you need to prove you have the perfect marriage. I know how difficult it is to sustain long-distance relationships when everyone knows about the relationship and supports you. It’s even more difficult when no one knows and it’s still a long distance.’

  ‘So what am I supposed to do, Sara? That’s no explanation!’

  Sara could hear Kavita’s voice choking. ‘It’s a week, Kavita. How about we focus on the good things. What’s upsetting you?’

  Kavita spoke about how Gaurav had quit his job, his new absurd business plan, her responsibilities as a mother, how she knew her sister wanted to get married but hadn’t told anyone, how she needed a change in her job.

  Sara listened patiently. ‘Why don’t you leave him, Kavita? Come to Bombay. Stay with me. I will look after Vansh.’

  ‘You’ve never met Vansh.’

  ‘If you love him, why wouldn’t I love him?’

  ‘And my mom?’

  ‘She can come too.’

  Kavita laughed. ‘How many people will you look after?’

  ‘As many as will make you happy.’

  Kavita realized that Sara’s love for her was unconditional. Unlike Gaurav’s. Her husband had put conditions since the day they had met. She spoke so that Kavita would come to the conclusions about her life herself. She allowed Kavita to speak about what she needed. When Kavita put the phone down, she felt light-hearted, liberated even. Sara was indeed a good positive light in her life. She wondered how she would keep it a secret from everyone in her life.

  Kavita didn’t know that someone was eavesdropping on their conversation.

  33

  ‘Oh I love G. K. Market!’ Kaajal swooned as she strolled into Goldy’s to look at some bangles and kitschy clothes.

  ‘I’ve grown out of it,’ Tarini said as she fingered the bright, zardozi work on a long fuschia skirt.

  ‘What?!’ Kaajal took out a halter neck and put it on herself. ‘No one can ever grow out of this.’

  Tarini rolled her eyes. ‘Jab We Met days are over, Kay. Seriously, you need to move to the other block. N block has far better stuff than this market. M block is for teenagers. Filled with silver jewellery, bright, garish clothes sold on the pavement, nighties and stuff in shops. Puhleez.’

  ‘Oh dear Madam hoity toity prefers the Indian weaving of FabIndia and the upper class tea at the cafes of N block now, is it?’ Kaajal said in a fake British accent.

  ‘Well look at the fast food places in this market. It’s for fast food teenagers, babe. At least N block has the best restaurants.’

  Kaajal smiled as she put the choli down and paid for it. She knew she could wear it to bed when she met Kaushik later that evening. He would flip when he saw her wear that and a matching thong. She would be a dominatrix made in India. She giggled to herself as Tarini got on the phone and went outside.

  Kaajal loved coming to G. K. M block market. She knew how much Tarini hated it but she dragged here there to have the gol gappas and Prince paan every now and then. She also shopped for clothes she could wear at home. Somewhere she felt it was important to save her money on useful things later than waste it on materialistic things right now. Kaajal was practical and meticulous. While her sister had a Louis Vuitton bag and had bought herself a new SUV, Kaajal still travelled in autos and used a jhola she got from FabIndia.

  ‘Who was that?’ Kaajal asked.

  ‘Varun.’

  ‘Oohh lover boy,’ Kaajal teased.

  Tarini smiled. ‘Look, I’m really sorry but he wants to meet. You know married men and their timings yaar. And I’m really horny. Can we catch up for dinner later? Hauz Khas maybe? Somewhere decent where there is no fast food and wine is served in correct glasses?’

  Kaajal smiled and hugged her. ‘Go, Miss Hoity Toity Horny. WhatsApp me later. Tell me all the gory details.’

  Tarini left while Kaajal got into an auto to get to the metro station. She loved the Delhi Metro. And now that there were special trains running for women, she felt she could easily get a seat and get more done in a metro than when she was stuck in traffic in an auto or cab. She hailed Harshvardhan as a new-age leader, telling herself that she would vote for him if he ran for Prime Minister.

  As soon as Kaajal got home she called out to her mother, ‘Ma, are you home?’ But her mother was apparently out. Kaajal and Kavita had given their mother her own car, driver and mobile phone. That way she could be independent without the girls worrying about her. The driver was like a caretaker for their mother, and helped her whenever she needed it and ran errands for her as well. Kaajal presumed her mother had gone out for work.

  She went into her room and dumped her bags. It was so nice to have the house to herself. There were so many people around most of the time that she could never enjoy the place where she was born and grew up. While many houses around had been developed and made into high-rise buildings, her mother had held on to this house from several builders. There was no other place that could boast of a garden. Theirs had a vast green garden that was filled with trees and plants that Kavita and she had planted when they were children. Their mother loved her garden and spent many hours planting new things, taking out weeds and pruning shrubs. It was what kept her young. Kaajal smiled and said a prayer of thanks to God that her mother was still alive even after the devastating loss of their father from their lives. She changed into her shorts and a ganji. Delhi was too hot in the summer. She put on the air conditioner in her room.

  She heard someone rumbling in the kitchen. She walked out a
nd saw Gaurav hunched over the fridge looking for food.

  ‘Need something?’ she asked.

  He got startled. ‘Oh, you scared me.’

  Kaajal smiled. ‘I think there’s some chola in the fridge. I’m making some tea. Want some?’

  ‘No. Thanks.’

  Kaajal made tea while he sat and ate some chola with toast. He grumbled to himself, ‘Why can’t Kavita cook sometimes. This maid knows nothing. I hate this chola.’

  Kaajal ignored him. He picked up his plate of food and dumped it in the sink while Kaajal took her cup of tea silently towards her room.

  ‘What’s your hurry? Don’t want to sit and chat?’ Gaurav asked, smiling at her as he grabbed a glass of water.

  Kaajal shrugged her shoulders and sat at the kitchen table.

  Gaurav sat too. ‘So um…how’s work.’

  While they made polite conversation, Kaajal saw that he had begun to open up to her. He started speaking about his new venture. He was excited. She felt she needed to encourage him a little. It wasn’t easy living with such strong women. She smiled and asked him more questions. He felt happy that there was someone who was not chiding him for his decision.

  ‘So you think it was okay to quit my job?’

  ‘Absolutely, Gaurav. If this is what makes you happy and motivated then go for it. You won’t know what you’re capable of doing if you don’t try, right?’

  ‘That’s exactly what I told Kavita but she refuses to listen.’

  ‘Oh, don’t get me in the middle of your spousal problems. I don’t want to know!’ Kaajal said as she finished her tea and kept her cup in the sink. They had people who lived in the servant quarters in Delhi. Harish, the cook, came in the morning and evening. His wife cleaned in the morning and washed dishes in the evening. And during the afternoons they rested in their own small rooms slightly away from the main house, where they could be reached by a simple bell that was in the main house near the kitchen and in Kaajal’s mother’s room.

  Suddenly Kaajal could feel Gaurav close to her. A little too close. She turned around. He was standing right behind her, smiling.