Forbidden Desires

by Banerjee, Madhuri

  ‘Why would you want to do so many things? Software, art, events and now a restaurant?’ Naina asked, wondering how their dreams could coincide like this. ‘Don’t you ever want to settle down and just have children or relax with a family?’

  ‘Of course,’ Arjun said. ‘I have a daughter. From my first marriage. She’s ten now. She lives with her mom in Mumbai. I moved from there because there was a bigger opportunity for me to do events here. I get her to fly in whenever she has holidays to spend time with me. I don’t do enough for her. I wish I could. I miss her tremendously but then divorce isn’t just tough on children, it’s tough on the fathers too.’

  Naina looked at him, surprised. ‘Isn’t it supposed to be tough on single mothers?’

  ‘The mother takes Rs two lakhs a month as alimony. I pay for my child’s schooling and any extra expenses. I think the single motherhood thing is a bit overrated. If she was working and earning on her own and managing a child then it would be tough. But my ex-wife doesn’t do anything. She is a…what do you call it…socialite. With my money.’

  Naina was shocked. ‘Two lakhs a month? But why?’

  ‘Guilt,’ Arjun said, as he took another bite of his food. ‘I cheated on her when we were married.’ He reached out for the salt shaker that was in front of them,

  Naina stayed quiet. Kaushik was cheating on her too. She was sure she wouldn’t get two lakhs as alimony from him. His lawyer instincts would be in full gear and he would do everything to put all the blame for the demise of their marriage on her.

  ‘Do you have enough to manage after giving all that?’ Naina asked, wondering if this man was truly benevolent or simply rich.

  Arjun nodded. ‘I do alright. I want my daughter to be happy. And she’s a well-settled individual. She sees how much I do for her mother and never begrudges me.’ Every time his gaze rested on her, her heart skipped a beat.

  Naina thought it was incredibly noble of him. She was enamoured by this mild-mannered, good-natured man. He was incredibly handsome, fit for his age and kind-hearted. Her face felt flushed with the anticipation of something new.

  Naina helped clear the dishes once they had finished lunch. Arjun observed her closely. Her silky hair tumbling around her shoulders. Her dark, intent eyes, warm and loving, keeping things away.

  ‘You don’t need to do all this,’ Arjun pleaded as he helped her clean up, his eyes riveted to this woman who was an ethereal, natural beauty.

  ‘I want to.’

  Arjun looked at her as if he was photographing her with his eyes. Suddenly she looked up and their eyes were held in a locked gaze. She didn’t miss his obvious examination and approval. She let out a soft breath. His arresting good looks totally captured her attention. Her body ached for his touch. Several moments passed without a word, a sound, a movement.

  People say an affair doesn’t begin with much thought, rather on impulse. It’s the heart leaping forward when it gets an opportunity. The head has nothing to do then. As for Naina, well Naina had always been the wild child of London. The smut queen. The smart mouth who could make everyone laugh with her lewd jokes and loud remarks.

  And here she was, quiet, bashful, uncertain. There was a tingling in the pit of her stomach. Her heart jolted and her head pounded. He radiated a vitality that drew her like a magnet. She longed for him to say something. Because she wouldn’t. She would wait. She had changed.

  Why is love so clichéd? Why does it always start the same way? It’s an instant attraction between two people who play a game to see who will make the first move. All along, Naina had made moves on men. Now she wanted to wait and see what this man would do. Arjun saw the hesitation in her eyes. He had wanted her from the moment she had first entered his house, the beautiful, bright, delicate creature who had captured his heart with a swish of her hair and the magic of her fingers. He had been trying to impress her ever since. She was warm, funny, loving and, it seemed to him, very unappreciated.

  Suddenly, he leaned in gently and brushed a gentle kiss across her lips. The slow movement sent shivers down Naina’s spine. He stepped back. The house was silent. A vast space all around but just inches between them. His extraordinary eyes blazed. Her body felt like it was being pushed by a force alien to her. She took a step forward, giving him silent permission to continue. His nearness was overwheleming. His cologne hung in the air.

  They locked their eyes as Arjun gathered Naina in his arms, as his mouth swooped down to capture hers in a passionate embrace. Her heart hammered in her ribs as he lay soft kisses around her face, the corners of her mouth, her eyes. Her eyelashes fluttered against his cheek as her hands wrapped around his head, holding his thick hair in her long, delicate fingers.

  ‘Oh, Arjun,’ she moaned as he ran his fingers down her back. ‘I need to go.’

  ‘Don’t go,’ he said, his breath soft against her ears. ‘Stay. Please.’

  She felt her blood course through her veins like a raging river. She knew this was wrong. She was married. She had taken an oath. Made a commitment. Followed her husband around a fire seven times. So why did this feel right?

  Naina buried her face against his throat, giving in to her most primal instinct. His kiss was slow, thoughtful, tracing the contours of her mouth. ‘Whatever. You. Want.’ Between each word, he planted kisses on her mouth, her neck and her ears. He was running his thumb deliciously up and down her thigh. She closed her eyes and threw her head back, surrendering to the moment. Aroused now, she drew herself closer to him, matching his intensity with her own. He slowly unbuttoned her crisp black shirt, planting kisses along the length of her neck, her cleavage, her breasts, across her silken belly. She felt conscious of her weight. The added kilos over the years. The ones Kaushik didn’t want to see. But Arjun held her body as if he needed to possess it, own every part of it, desired it as if he would burn if he didn’t get it. Her nipples hardened instantly under his touch.

  She unbuttoned his shirt and slowly let it fall to the ground. For a moment, she wondered if she should pick it up, the hundred dollar designer shirt that was lying on the kitchen floor.

  Arjun slipped her bra off and explored the rosy peaks of her breasts. She let out a soft moan. He picked her up in one swoop in his immense, strong arms and placed her gently on the sofa in the living room. Arjun slowly removed the rest of her clothes. His tongue began a lust-arousing exploration of her soft flesh. His one hand traced concentric circles around her thigh. He used his thumb and tongue alternatively to probe into the deep, dark crevices of her soul. Slowly. Tantalising. Teasing. Moving faster. Sucking. Deeper. Harder. She threw her head back and begged him to stop. He rubbed harder. Held her breast. Squeezing. Rubbing. Licking. Probing. Until she exploded into a downpour of hot, fiery sensations that came in a wave as darkness and light embraced her. Over and over again.

  The light rippled from outside. The scent of sandalwood floated in. The tinkling sound of wind chimes from far away. Laughter. A dog barking. Naina had never felt so complete. Not after her children were born. Not with a man who so selflessly gave to her over and over again on his sofa, in the middle of the afternoon, without a care in the world. But he never entered her. She begged him but he was happy to just give her wave after wave of rapturous pleasure.

  Naina didn’t go home or to Pinky’s that afternoon or that night. She spent several more hours with him, getting pampered. She didn’t know revenge sex felt this good.

  36

  Kavita’s mother was an extremely traditional woman. She was raised in Amritsar with eleven siblings. Her father was a truck driver and her mother was a housewife. After having Kavita she had two children who died at birth. Then Kaajal was born. She loved being a housewife and just wanted to bring up her children well. But when her husband left her for another woman when Kaajal was just two years old, Kulwinder Kaur decided that she would not only go back to work but she would make sure that her two daughters never suffered the same treatment from a man.

  Kulwinder stayed in the same house t
hat her husband had brought her to. It was a beautiful house with many memories. She had chosen to stay in the same house, in the same colony in case he ever chose to come back to them. But in time she had realized that he didn’t care and when he came back that fateful night to ask for forgiveness and for her to take him back it was her daughters who had said no. Then it was only memories of him that were in the house. It was in this house that she had her children, this house that saw her older child get married. It was to this house that she brought her grandson from the hospital. And she knew it would be this house from where her younger daughter would get married and settle down happily.

  She wasn’t particularly happy with Kavita’s decision to marry Gaurav and she knew all the times that she had bailed him out. She wasn’t stupid. But she refused to interfere in her daughters’ lives anymore. They were grown up enough to make their own decisions and understand the consequences. She often wished they wouldn’t be so protective about her. She was only sixty years old and quite healthy for her age. But they all treated her with great care and tremendous respect.

  It was one of the mornings when Vansh had left for school and Kavita and Gaurav were sitting at the dining table, that she made a decision. A decision that would change all their lives. It was because of the conversation that she had overheard.

  ‘Kavita,’ Gaurav said as he sat down with some toast and coffee. ‘I want to talk to you about something.’

  That night when Kavita had spoken to Sara, Gaurav had heard everything. He had come looking for her. And he had heard her speak to Sara about how much she loved her. Gaurav hadn’t thought much about it. It could just be a friend. All these girls said the same thing. It was different for men. But soon he discovered that she was acting strange. Kavita didn’t want to sleep with Gaurav anymore. She would make some excuse. He was getting frustrated. And then the email landed in his inbox. With her travel plans and their loving exchanges of messages. He was horrified. He didn’t know how to react. He would never have assumed his wife was a lesbian. So he decided to confront her.

  With her cup of coffee in hand, Kavita sat next to him.

  Gaurav bit into his toast and said calmly, ‘Are you a lesbian?’

  Kavita was shocked. She had never imagined he would ask her such a question. How had he guessed? ‘Why do you ask that?’

  Gaurav was cold. ‘Because I heard you speaking to your lover the other evening.’

  Kavita scoffed. ‘What are you talking about?’

  Gaurav finished his toast and took a sip of coffee. His voice was laced with sarcasm. ‘I also got an email about your travel plans to visit Sara. Do you want to keep on denying it or do you want to tell me the truth?’

  Kavita felt trapped. She didn’t know what to do. She had visualized this situation several times in her head. She had never had an answer.

  ‘Gaurav…,’ she started and stopped.

  Gaurav was enjoying this. He knew he had her in a place of weakness. Finally. Finally he could dominate her.

  His dark eyes darkened as he held her gaze. ‘What would your mother say?’

  ‘Gaurav, please don’t. Please don’t tell anyone. I’ll do anything. Promise.’

  ‘Will you have a threesome?’ Gaurav asked, with a wicked look in his eye.

  Kavita was shocked. He was vile. How could he even ask such a thing?

  He continued to taunt her. ‘I’ll forgive you if you have a threesome.’

  ‘Gaurav,’ Kavita fought with the nightmares of this cobweb conversation and tried to make sense of what was happening. ‘That’s not possible. That’s not who I am. Who she is. Stop being vile and disgusting.’ A permanent sorrow seemed to be weighing her down.

  ‘I’m disgusting? You’re the one who’s sleeping with a woman. How do you even do that? What do you use? How can she be better than a man?’

  ‘Gaurav, you won’t understand. So let it go. Now what do you want?’ Kavita asked him firmly, trying to solve the situation before her mother emerged from her room. Thankfully Vansh was not around and Kaajal had already left for work.

  ‘What do I want? What do I want? I want you to be sorry. I want you to realize that you were the imperfect one here. I want you to finally admit that you are weak.’

  Kavita bit back her tears. ‘I am weak. I’m sorry. Please don’t take away my child.’ A new anguish seared at her heart.

  Gaurav looked at her with contempt. ‘No court will give you your child, Kavita. We live in an archaic society where sons aren’t given to mothers who are lesbians. The father becomes the primary caretaker.’

  Kavita pleaded with him as tears stung her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. ‘I can’t live without Vansh. He’s everything to me.’

  Then Kulwinder Kaur emerged from her room. She had heard enough. She needed to finally interfere in her daughter’s life and take responsibility for her as her mother.

  ‘GAURAV,’ she thundered loudly as Gaurav and Kavita looked at her. Kavita froze. What had her mother heard? Swallowing the sob that rose in her throat, she looked up at her mother.

  She imposed an iron control on herself. ‘Kavita, kya hua?’

  Kavita faltered. ‘Ma, please. Leave it.’ Her head was bowed, her body slumped in despair. How could she explain this to her mother? This deep dark secret that she felt was shameful.

  But Kulwinder Kaur had seen enough in her life to not let her children suffer the way she had. ‘Kavita. Daro mat. Don’t be afraid. Tell me everything.’

  Kavita dropped her lashes quickly to hide her shame. She spoke in a soft voice, ‘I’m bisexual, Ma. It means…’

  ‘It means she loves men and women,’ Gaurav spoke with an amused look. ‘And she’s having an affair with a woman.’

  Kulwinder Kaur had never heard of these things. It was all strange to her. This new-fangled world where people loved anything or anyone was very alien to her. But she loved her daughter and she would support her. ‘No issues. If she loves a woman, she can love a man back na?’

  Kavita said, ‘Yes Ma. But…It’s complicated.’ A blush like a shadow ran over her cheeks.

  Gaurav was determined to create havoc in the family. ‘What will happen when all our friends find out, Kavi?’

  Grief and despair tore at her heart. ‘Gaurav, please. You wouldn’t…’

  ‘Oh but I would. Because you have had an affair. I haven’t.’

  ‘You’ve not been the perfect husband, Gaurav,’ Kavita said, steeling herself against this barrage of accusations. The embarrassment quickly turned to annoyance.

  ‘And you’ve never been the perfect wife, Kavita. But that doesn’t mean you go and have an affair.’

  ‘I stopped loving you, Gaurav. And you stopped loving me. People deserve love. They deserve happiness. Just because we’re married doesn’t mean we stop living and wanting and feeling. I’m sorry, Gaurav. Let it go. Don’t let it affect our relationship. Let us remain married. For the sake of our son. We’ll go to a counsellor and sort it out.’ She shriveled a little at his expression.

  ‘Why, Kavita?’ Kulwinder asked. ‘Why do you want to remain married?’

  Kavita looked at her mother and replied in a state of shock, ‘Because what will happen to Vansh?’ A sense of intense sickness and desolation swept over her.

  ‘Haven’t you always looked after Vansh? Won’t you look after him even if you’re not married?’

  Kavita nodded as a raw and primitive grief overwhelemed her. Her mother continued, ‘Then?’

  Gaurav wanted to break this little camaraderie between mother and daughter and asked, ‘Well I won’t let Vansh go. I need him too. But I’m willing to give you a divorce, Kavita.’

  Kavita started crying. She wrapped herself in a cocoon of anguish. Her mother put an arm around her and said, ‘Kavi, mujhe yeh bisexual cheez samajh mein nahin aati hain. But all I know is that I will support you. Pyar ek aisi cheez hai jo kabhi bhi zindagi mein aa sakti hai. Aur agar tum keh rahi ho ki it’s with a woman, mujhe kuch farak nahin padta hai.’
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br />   Kavita looked at her mother in amazement. This simple woman could be so progressive and so strong. Kavita had seen so many women who had been afraid of the consequences of not having a man in their life and her mother had shown her how it was to manage without one. Why was she feeling as if she needed to tie herself to Gaurav when her own mother was a great example of how to live well without a man?

  Her mother asked Gaurav, ‘What if I gave you enough money to start your new business, Gaurav?’ Gaurav looked at her sceptically as she continued, ‘You needed money. You didn’t want to ask your father. What if you had enough money to start any business you wanted? On one condition. Kavita gets sole custody of Vansh.’

  Kavita wiped away her tears, crimson with humiliation and resentment. ‘Ma, what are you talking about?’

  Kulwinder ignored her daughter and looked directly at her son-in-law. ‘Don’t ever tell Vansh about his mother. Let Kavita do so in time. And take the money and start a new life. Kya yeh tum kar sakte ho?

  ‘Ma, what are you saying? From where are we going to get this money?’ Kavita felt a wretchedness of mind that she had never felt before.

  ‘Kavita—you don’t love this man. Remember what you told me when your father came back? You told me that I’ve done so much on my own that I don’t need a man to validate me. So now believe in it yourself, beti. You’ve done so much with your life.’

  Gaurav sniggered. ‘But in this society she still needs a man. This is Delhi. And she is already well known. All our friends are group friends. They are all couples. Even if I don’t tell them they will get to know. Everyone gets to know when a couple gets divorced and they all ask why.’

  ‘Let people talk, Gaurav,’ Kavita’s mother quickly said. ‘You will not. You will not say why. Can you agree to that?’

  ‘What do I gain from this?’ Gaurav folded his hands at his chest and smirked at the two women.