Poet

by A. M. Johnson

  Fuck.

  I hated that I just swore not even ten minutes after I’d kneeled before God, took communion, and prayed to be a better man. I inhaled another breath and found comfort in the smell of dead leaves. The sun was hiding behind gray clouds and the damp, electric air wet my lungs with possibility.

  There was always next Sunday.

  I headed back into the church and found Michael was still lingering. He was one of the altar boys and had lived three houses down from my mother. I’d made him promise to get the phone to lost and found. He looked a bit scared actually, and I chuckled as he walked away a little quicker than I thought was normal. I was a big guy, and I could summon a little intensity just like Liam could, but I’d known Michael since he was five. I knew most of the people who attended here. I volunteered, and sometimes came to Mass during the week, in addition to Sundays, as well as confession every Wednesday. This congregation was just as much my family as my brothers and everyone at Avenues.

  Who was she?

  I scanned the empty church and stopped myself from thinking about how one look from a beautiful stranger had me twisted up in knots. I couldn’t get the memory of her silky skin out of my head. My life had always been straightforward, never easy, but always good. Despite my father’s alcohol addiction, and the struggle my brothers and I had gone through because of it, we all seemed to come out okay on the other end. Losing Mom was the hardest loss I’ve had to deal with. Sure, helping Liam make sure Declan was always safe was a challenge, but I had to consider myself lucky. I was lonely, but I was finding my own way, and if our roads crossed again, so be it.

  I ran my hand through my hair and then loosened my tie as I walked through the doors and back onto the sidewalk. Large drops of rain painted the concrete, and the freezing water trickled down my neck as I ran to my truck. I unlocked the driver side door and slid in. I didn’t hesitate to start the engine and flip on the heater. I rubbed my hands against the fabric of my dress pants. They’d gotten a little wet from the rain, and then pulled my phone from my glove box.

  I sent Liam a quick text that I was headed to the apartment to change, and that I’d be a little late for the gym. He’d most likely give me a ration of shit, Declan would tell him to stop being an asshole, and then we’d lift. Today was leg day, though, and they hated that I could press more than they could. A cocky grin split my face as I pulled slowly into traffic. They might be a step in front of me in life, but at least I had leg day. Petty as hell, but I was the baby in the family, so I’d learned to hold onto to my wins and wave them in my big brothers’ faces whenever I could.

  “Why are you being such a bitch today?” Liam growled as he removed one of the weights from the leg press and sat down.

  I wiped the back of my neck with a towel and raised my gaze to Declan. He shrugged and I chuckled.

  “I’m pretty sure I’m not the bitch in this scenario. Do you need me to remove another plate, or do you think you can handle five hundred pounds?” My lips twitched as Liam’s jaw flexed.

  My jab would’ve been uncharacteristic anywhere else, I was always the brother who tried to mend all the fences, but in here, inside the weight room, all bets were off.

  Declan openly laughed, and Liam shook his head as he growled, “You guys are assholes.”

  My head fell back as I barked out another laugh. “I’m thinking that title was taken the day you were born.”

  “Fuck off,” Liam said trying to infuse as much anger as possible, but the slight smirk he’d been trying to hide finally broke through. “How was church?” he asked as he started his set.

  I sat down on the bench to the right of the leg press and rested my elbows on my knees as I leaned forward. “Good,” I hesitated as I remembered her mouth, and those plump lips flashed behind my eyes.

  “Good?” Declan keyed into my tone, and pushed off the machine he’d been leaning against. He narrowed his eyes as he approached me. “You haven’t really been in to church for a while, is it because of—”

  “Mom? No.” And yes.

  “Then what?” Liam grunted as he pushed through his last rep.

  I couldn’t understand why the woman from this morning had affected me so much. Lack of sex, hormones, shit, Liam was right. I needed to get laid. I’d never admit that to him, or Declan, though.

  “Yeah, maybe it’s Mom. But I’m figuring things out. You guys have your life, and I’m just looking to see where I fit in, I guess.”

  Liam sat up and turned to face me. His lips in a flat line. “Fit? Fuck, Kieran, you’re our brother, you’re part of our lives.”

  I exhaled an annoyed breath. Here we go.

  “You have a place at Avenues, you basically run that shit, the shop depends on you. You’re smart, the only one of us with an education beyond fucking high school. And—”

  “Leave it for once, all right?” I stood and threw my towel onto the bench.

  Liam’s nostrils flared as he stood and Declan rolled his eyes. “Every time.” Declan gave us both a smirk. “If it’s not me and you…” He pointed at Liam. “It’s you and Kieran… can’t we just fucking work out?”

  Liam ignored him. “What’s so shitty about your life, little brother?”

  I didn’t answer. I wasn’t going to argue with him. Liam always knew who he was, what he wanted. He didn’t get it. “You’ve lived a charmed life. You have your own place, a job, a damn good job.”

  “Liam, let up—”

  Liam held up his hand, cutting Declan off as he stepped closer to me. The tension in my shoulders stretched and was ready to snap. For the first time in my life, I wanted to punch him. Anger curled my fists as he closed the distance between us.

  “You want to be a priest, go be a fucking priest. Do something! Stop blaming us for holding you back.”

  “Blaming you?” He was clueless. “I don’t blame you, I envy you. I want what you have, what Declan has. Damn it, Liam, I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do!”

  “Okay.” Declan’s voice was calm as he stepped in next to us. “It may be a Sunday, and there aren’t many people here, but the few who are, are looking at us like we’re dicks, so can you both chill the fuck out.”

  Liam grit his teeth and took a step back, running his hand through his hair. “Do whatever you want. Be whoever you want. Fuck whoever you want, but for Christ’s sake, just do it already. You’re still that scared little kid, Kieran, watching as the world falls down around you, and you’re gonna fall in, and it’s gonna hurt, but you’ll see that after a while, it just feels good to feel.”

  My throat ached with each shallow breath. Declan placed his hand on my shoulder and I locked my eyes on Liam’s. “What if I don’t know what I want, or who I am?”

  “You’re Kieran fucking O’Connell, and he’s a damn good kid.”

  A shuddered breath loosened my chest. “I never blamed you or Declan. I blame myself…” I swallowed down my pride. “I blame myself, Liam, for letting Mom down. I was supposed to go to seminary, and she was so proud, and then it never happened.”

  “She knew that you gave it up for her.” Declan’s voice was gravel, and when I turned to face him, his eyes shined. “And I know you did that for me.”

  The pain in my chest eased completely, and I clapped my hand on his shoulder. “I did it for myself. I’d let the idea run wild enough, and hid behind it. I don’t think I would’ve ever gone to seminary. It had nothing to do with you.”

  He shouldn’t feel guilty, none of us should, we did what we had to do, and we’d all do it again in a heartbeat. It was who we were.

  Declan’s hand fell from my shoulder and, as I dropped my hold on his, he said, “You’re not alone.”

  My throat closed off entirely. Leave it to Declan to hit the nail on the head.

  Liam’s gaze had lost its hard edge as I turned to look at him. “You’re not. We’re always here, little brother.” Liam’s face lit with a smirk. “Where the fuck else do we have to go?”

  I wanted the moo
d to change. I didn’t want feel like shit. So I didn’t say what I was thinking. That they had their own families, and I refused to let them cater to me anymore. I wanted to be a man like Liam and have a soul like Declan’s. I was holding myself back, holding myself at a standard that was unrealistic.

  My lips spread into a smile as I let the revelation soak in. I wasn’t them and I’d never be. And maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.

  “For one, you could go to the gym more. I think Kelly’s making you soft. Isn’t that what you told Declan when he got back with Paige?” My laugh was genuine as Declan’s shoulders shook with humor.

  “You have no clue, you wait until you get a girl. It’s a fucking full-time job.” Liam’s posture relaxed, the heavy discussion put on ice for now.

  “I’d take the job. Kelly’s worth it.” I goaded him and he took the bait.

  “You don’t know shit. Once you finally get laid, then come talk to me.”

  Declan chuckled as he lifted a plate and placed it onto the machine.

  “I met a girl today.”

  My brothers’ laughter went silent.

  “I mean, I didn’t get her name, but she was hot.”

  “A hot girl... at church?” Liam seemed skeptical.

  “Yes, church.”

  “Huh.” Declan gave me a smile as he took his turn on the press.

  “Why didn’t you get her name?” Liam asked as his brow line dipped into the shape of a V.

  “I shook her hand during the Sign of Peace. But she left before I could talk to her.”

  “You should’ve got her name.” Liam looked more disappointed than I felt.

  “There’s always next week,” I assured him.

  But what if lightning really didn’t strike twice? What if it was a fluke?

  There was no denying how her eyes had stopped the world, if even for a few seconds, or how good her skin felt against mine, or that smile she’d given me. The tips of my fingers tingled as I thought about touching her again. Again? I’d never wanted “again” with anyone. I leaned my head against the wall and let Declan and Liam’s voices fade into the background.

  She’d been at church this morning for a reason. And for this second, I’d let myself be selfish and pretend she’d been placed there just for me.

  “All the world ends here, in my room beneath the sky.”

  Hayley Stumbo~

  “What ever happened with Tris?” Ronnie asked as she leaned against the front of the reception desk.

  Ronnie had filed her long nails to a point and painted them black. She picked a piece of paper apart as she chewed on the silver hoop that adorned the middle of her bottom lip.

  “Your nails are scary,” I said and she smirked.

  She lifted her gray eyes and they shimmered with humor. “That’s the point.” Ronnie sprinkled the tiny torn pieces of paper all over my appointment book and giggled.

  “You’re a child, you know that, right?” I couldn’t hide my smile as I scooped the fake paper snow into my hand and then threw it into the garbage can under my desk.

  Ronnie leaned back and snickered. She was a beautiful girl. Tall with a pin-up girl appeal. Her ink was more impressive than Kemper’s, and her long hair was always done in some crazy color. But she liked women just as much as the rest of us guys in the shop. “Tris?” She pushed for information and I blew out a laugh.

  “You should’ve been a cop instead of a tattoo artist.”

  “It’s a simple question. Did you bang her?”

  I coughed out a laugh. “No, I didn’t bang her.”

  “I would’ve banged her.”

  “You bang everyone.”

  Ronnie frowned dramatically and I chuckled. “The truth hurts,” she said in a sappy, sad voice.

  “You coming to Liam’s party tonight?” I asked and watched as she waved all ten of her black, talon-like nails in front of my face.

  “Liam’s throwing a party, of course, I’m going. It’s like the second coming. He never throws parties.”

  “Kelly’s throwing it and it’s just us and the rest of the family. Not much of a party.”

  Her red lips dipped down at the corners. “Just Avenues staff and your family?” She rolled her eyes. “That’s not a party.”

  I stood and shut the appointment book. “Don’t you have a station to clean, or some slutty female to bang?” I raised my eyebrows.

  She laughed and her smile reached her eyes. “I love it when you’re a sass mouth. It’s like a baby version of Liam, but better looking.”

  “Thanks,” I said in the most “sass mouth” tone I could muster for her.

  Ronnie was fun to banter with, but it wasn’t enough to ease my mind. I wasn’t looking forward to tonight. Kelly said one of her friends from her old job at Lifeline was going to be at the party. She’d hired her on at Irene’s and she wanted me to meet her.

  She’d said, “She’s single, and I think she volunteers at your church.”

  I’d replied, “My church? No hot girls go to my church.”

  The girl I’d seen in Mass a couple of Sundays ago hadn’t shown her face again, and I didn’t like how frustrated that made me feel. Maybe she’d only been in town temporarily, visiting with family. Regardless, Kelly’s approval of her friend from work sort of helped my dejected thoughts. I didn’t think Kelly would try to hook me up with someone she didn’t deem worthy. Kemper’s attempt at setting me up with Tris had turned into a joke. That girl was way too easy, and I’d ended up going home from the bar that night alone. It was sentimental, and maybe I was boring as hell, but after I’d kissed her outside of Bellows that night, I was done. Her mouth had been too wet and tasted bitter with a dash of desperate.

  “I’ll see you at nine-thirty even though I’m sure it’ll be totally lame, and Liam will be bitching about something.”

  My laugh vibrated through my shoulders. “Are you dressing up?”

  She waved her hand up and then down her body. She was mostly skinny with fake tits, and the shirts she wore were always low enough to put them on display. “I think I shall come as myself. I’m pretty awesome.”

  I nodded my head, my lips pulling into a sideways smile. “See you there.”

  I pulled the money from the till, shoved it into a cloth, bank envelope, and zipped it shut. I grabbed the shop keys from the desk drawer and walked to the front waiting area to switch off the open sign. After the door was locked, I made my way to the back of the shop and dropped the money into the safe. Mostly everyone was gone for the night. Kemper had today off, and a few of the other guys were still cleaning up. Liam had hired on a couple of dudes from the shop that had closed down a few blocks away. We’d fired Bart a while ago. He was the guy who had been hired to help me, but he wasn’t good with keeping the books, and I think at some point he started skimming off the register.

  My view of the world was small. I’d never known more than Salt Lake, my family, and church. It was naïve of me, but I still held most people in high regard. I wanted to think the best of people. Not everyone had it good, but that didn’t mean they were bad. Liam wouldn’t agree, and I’m pretty sure if he ever saw Bart again he’d end up in jail for assault and battery.

  “Hey, Asher… Liam gave you the keys to lock up tonight?” I asked as I paused outside his station.

  He pulled a white earbud from his ear. “What?”

  “You cool to lock up?”

  “Yeah, almost finished. I’ll see you at Liam’s?”

  “I’ll be there.”

  He nodded and pushed the earbud back in. I waved to Ronnie as I headed to the rear door, and the cat-like smile she gave me made me shake my head with a laugh. The dry, iced air was like shards of glass in my lungs as I ran up the stairs to my apartment. Halloween in Utah as a kid sucked. You’d get this badass costume and then freeze your ass off all night. Tonight was no different than any other Halloween except I wasn’t going to Liam’s in a costume.

  The apartment was warm when I walked in, and I was grat
eful I hadn’t switched off the heat this morning to save money. I turned on the kitchen light and grabbed a beer from the fridge. I twisted off the cap and took a long swig from the bottle. The sweet flavor of citrus covered my lips and tongue. A local brewery down the street carried all my favorites, including this one, but the aftertaste was always bitter. I set the bottle on the counter and stared at it. Sometimes I wondered how my father had let something so insignificant rule his life. Declan didn’t drink because of his meds, but I drank, Liam drank, and we never let it control us. I could wager that maybe it was because we knew the monster that lived inside the bottle, so we kept it on a short leash, but I often, more often than not, figured my father was just sick.

  Addiction. Loss of control. They were two concepts I never wanted to know personally. It was why sex scared me. Giving someone that much control over you wasn’t something I wanted to risk. It was always easier to stand on the sidelines and never get into the game. I’d never found anyone I trusted enough, knew enough, to give everything I had to. I knew what it was like to come. That high, that tight feeling in your gut, the twist and burn of all your muscles, the stiff stretch of your jaw, and that one pure, divine moment—release—peace. I’ve jacked off enough to know how good it feels to let go, to have that thirty seconds of nothing but a pleasure buzz.

  My stomach rolled.

  Shame

  It was my ghost.

  My guilt drove me crazy. It was one of the main reasons I was struggling with my faith. Why would God deny me that moment of peace? Did all faithful men only have sex with their wives and never touch themselves? I didn’t believe it. Why couldn’t I love God, and feel human at the same time?

  I opened my eyes and stuffed my hands in my pockets as I walked to my desk in the living room.

  I flipped through one of my notebooks and opened it to the page marked with the date I’d seen my mystery woman in church. I hadn’t written anything worth shit since Mom died, but after that day, I’d found a muse. My fingers trailed over the soft paper and ink as I read my own words.