Poet

by A. M. Johnson

  A little over two weeks was hardly proof that I wouldn’t self-destruct. I inwardly cringed. She was right. I was my own worst critic.

  “I’m trying,” I repeated. “I may need reminders every now and then.”

  She smiled and leaned back into her chair. “I know.”

  “Mom.” Jordan’s sleep-drunk tone echoed down the hall.

  “I’ll be right back,” she said as she stood. “He fell asleep half-way through the last chapter of The Prisoner of Azkaban, he probably just wants me to finish it.”

  “I’ll be fine,” I said and then took a quick sip of my tea.

  She wasn’t gone more than two minutes when my phone buzzed inside my pocket. I set my teacup onto the coffee table and pulled it from my jeans. An unknown number flashed across the screen, but I knew who it was. I’d deleted it from my phone just the other day. I’d taken a screenshot of his last poem and then deleted his contact information. It was the only way I could trust myself not to call him. Out of sight, out of mind. My phone vibrated again, but this time, instead of calling, he’d sent a text. The phone kept vibrating though. Several texts messages at once lit up my lock screen.

  My pulse accelerated as I stared at the small device in my hand. Terror and anticipation. It was the perfect concoction for nausea, and it’s what I’d felt every time I’d think about him. I glanced down the hall and listened for Maria. I could hear her slightly muffled voice. It was rhythmic, and I assumed she was reading to Jordan again. My eyes moved back to the weapon in my hand, and I unlocked the screen with trembling fingers.

  There were eight text messages.

  Red is the color of sin, and I painted myself in its fiery shade.

  Red is the color of lust, and I allowed its flame to consume me.

  Red is the color of the rose, and it always stains your cheeks.

  Red is the color of the sweater you wore on our second date, and it was the night it became my favorite hue.

  Red is the color of betrayal, and it threatened to burn forever to the ground.

  Red is the color of anger, and its sun has begun to set.

  Red is the color of forgiveness, and it’s dipped in love and hope.

  Red is the color of my heart, and when I gave it to you… I wanted you to keep it.

  Tears blurred my vision as I read the words over and over again. Each one more beautiful than the last. I wiped under my eyes with my free hand and savored the air in short, ragged breaths. Every last cell, every damn molecule in my body pressed and pushed for me to respond, pleaded with me to tell him everything could work out. But, my relationship with Kieran was toxic. Lethal for both of us. I’d been so frightened to tell him who I really was because I hated myself. Kieran had every right to run away that day, but all it had done was prove to me all the terrible things I’d already felt about myself. His rejection was justified, and staying away protected me and protected him.

  Maria had told me to trust myself, and I wanted to feel positive about the choices I’d make from here on out. And as much as I wanted to try again with Kieran, I couldn’t shake how awful I’d felt when he’d walked out that kitchen door. I was at a precipice. I wanted to see myself in a healthy light. I needed to move on, and I needed to do it alone.

  My mouth was dry as I tried to swallow past the taste of salt and regret. The sob in my chest… I willed it into submission as my fingers deleted every last message.

  “We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in.”

  Ernest Hemingway~

  The knot of my tie fit snug between my fingers as I straightened it for the fifth time since I’d put the damn thing on. I was sitting in silence, and the only sound was the wind as it whirled around the cab of my truck. Everyone had filed into the church about fifteen minutes ago, but I hadn’t yet caught a glimpse her. I’d parked far enough away, though, so she wouldn’t be able see me, maybe I’d missed her.

  Melissa had ignored every text, every call, but Kelly had made it clear Mel had decided not to quit her job. She was staying at Irene’s and that gave me hope. Kelly had told me to give Melissa space, to let her figure out what she wanted, but something about that plan wasn’t sitting well inside my stomach.

  Both of my brothers had stepped back from their relationships when everything had gone wrong, and that choice had brought them years of pain—heartache. Time was too valuable, and I’d already wasted so much of it figuring out what the fuck I wanted in life. As I stared at the familiar church, its stained-glass windows lined with soft white snow, it reminded me that everything I’d ever wanted had started inside those walls. My relationship with God, my memories of my mother… Melissa, everything good about my life was waiting for me beyond those gray granite steps. Now, if I could only find the courage to open the truck door.

  I’d made a huge mistake… I’d fucked up big time. I needed her to know that I was scared, that her addiction issues terrified the hell out of me, but I wanted her in my life, because I knew she was stronger than that. I loved Melissa, and I never got a chance to tell her. It was too fragile, too new, and I’d hid it from myself, from her, but it had grown regardless of the shadow we’d both placed it in. It flourished, and I wouldn’t let it die. No matter who lied, or who walked away, we both had to fix this, and I was done waiting for her to figure that out, waiting for her to see the truth of us.

  My little pep talk drained precious moments from the clock. I expelled a long breath and grabbed the keys from the ignition, sliding them into my slacks. I lifted my suit jacket from the passenger side seat, opened the door and got out. I quickly shrugged on my jacket and made my way through the slush-covered street and sidewalk to the front door of the church. Once inside, I ran my hands through my wet hair to remove any traces of snow. There was a small antechamber in the front of the church, and I could hear Father Becker’s perfect Spanish filter through the large, wooden, interior doors. I swallowed down my fear, my pride, and quietly snuck inside the cathedral.

  I had no idea what Father Becker was saying, but everyone was still sitting, faces forward, entranced by his fluid words. I scanned the large church, and to my surprise, thank you, God, Mel and her family were sitting just a few rows up from the back. The place was packed, but again I was blessed, the pew behind them had enough room for one more, so I kneeled, made the sign of the cross and took a seat.

  She was right there in front of me, her long black hair fell down her back in easy waves, so close I could reach out and touch her. But she was no longer mine, and I had to shove my hands into my pockets to keep myself in check. I held my breath when everyone stood. The older lady who sat next to me was staring with curious eyes, surmising, judging, and wondering who I was. I gave her a small, friendly, grin and she turned toward the front. I choked on my chuckle when a draft lifted the scent of jasmine past my nose. It had become difficult to breathe in and breathe out as I watched Melissa throughout the Mass. Her parents were right next to her, and Maria and Jordan were a few rows forward. Seeing her again, seeing them, I started questioning my sanity cornering her like this. Her father probably wanted to kill me.

  After a while, despite my ignorance of the Spanish language, I’d been able to glean the customary ceremony of Mass by observing and taking cues from the people around me. I knew it was almost time. In just a few short moments, Melissa would turn toward me in an attempt to offer the Sign of Peace. My heart beat so fast, so hard, it galloped and soared, and I felt dizzy with anticipation, with panic. The palms of my hands began to sweat, and I wiped them on my pants, ignoring my unsteady fingers.

  This was it. My last chance to show her I was here for her, to show her I wasn’t running, and that I wanted it all.

  Her smile.

  Her pain.

  Her past.

  Her addiction.

  The atmosphere in the church shifted as everyone started to move and shake hands. The lady next to me held out her hand, and I took it as she said, “La paz sea contigo.”

  I nodded and whispered,
“Peace be with you.”

  I wasn’t sure if Melissa had heard my voice, but when she turned toward me, her surprised eyes found mine. I held out my hand, reeled in my confidence, and kept my fingers steady. Her dark eyes sparkled, her cheeks turned to my favorite shade of rose, and her full lips separated with a gasp. She stared at my outstretched hand as a tear fell down her cheek. Mel’s parents hadn’t noticed me yet, or if they had, I didn’t care. My eyes were on her face, and I watched in horror as it drained of color.

  “Excuse me.”

  The two words stumbled from her mouth as she quickly spun and practically jumped over the two people blocking her way. “Excuse me,” she muttered, this time a little louder, a little more desperate as she made her escape.

  My eyes flicked toward her father, and my stomach dropped. He was staring, or maybe glaring at me, but her mom, she had tears in her eyes. She mouthed the word “go” and I complied. The service continued behind me as I chased Melissa out of the church.

  The heat of the cathedral leaked onto the sidewalk, surrounding my body briefly before leaving me to freeze in winter’s fast moving wind. The sky dumped all around me, shrouding the world in a dense wall of wet white. I spotted her just a few feet away, her gray skirt definitely not weather appropriate.

  “Melissa,” I called out her name, but she kept walking.

  Her shoulders lifted, and then shuddered as she dropped her head.

  I moved as fast as I could on the slick concrete. “Melissa,” I said her name again and raised my hand to her shoulder. “Stop.” She shook her head. “Just stop already, damn it.”

  She turned abruptly, her eyes wet, and ringed with smudged black kohl. “What!” She shoved me hard in the chest, and I actually fell back a step. “What do you want? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

  My jaw clenched. “I can’t.” I took a step toward her and she held up her hand in warning. “I won’t, Melissa. Not until you hear what I have to say.”

  “I don’t want to hear it.” She ran her hand through her snow-slicked hair.

  The air was frigid and every breath I took felt like knives gliding down my throat. Anger and frustration heated my pulse, kept me rooted in place. “I don’t give a shit, Mel. You mean something to me, and I’m not going to let you shut me out. Stop running and fucking listen.” I grit my teeth as her spine went rigid. “Just listen.” My voice was gentle now. “Please.”

  Her lips had begun to pale as the cold found its way beneath her skin. The fabric of her thin button-up clung to her chest. I shrugged out of my jacket and handed it to her. She hesitated, but eventually pulled it on over her arms. She sank into the fabric and took a deep breath, wincing as if in pain.

  “I’m so sorry, Mel. I messed up. I should’ve never left you in that kitchen. I should’ve listened to you. I should’ve hugged you and told you I wasn’t going anywhere… that your past didn’t matter to me. I need you to know I understand...” I gambled another step. She didn’t move, so I took another, filling all of the empty space. I brought my palms to her cold cheeks and she closed her eyes. “I’m not going to lie to you. I’m scared. Scared of losing you. I thought about it, I really honest-to-fucking-God thought about everything that could go wrong. What if she uses again? How could I help if she did? Would she leave me? Does she still miss the drugs? What if—”

  “I never wanted that for you. All that worry, I never wanted that… ” Her eyes opened and her voice was faint. The resolve she had been clinging to was still lingering. “I’m sorry I never told you the truth. You ran because you were angry, deceived, and because you finally saw me for what I was. ”

  My response stuck in my throat as her tears ran faster. The agony formed solid pressure inside my rib cage. Kelly was right, Melissa needed time to heal, but I wanted to help her do it. It killed me that she thought so little of herself.

  I had to clear my throat, but still my voice was rough… stretched. “You’re right, I did see you, Mel. And I was afraid, and confused, but who you are to me… that never changed. I realized it never changed. And everything that you hid from me… it doesn’t matter.”

  “But it does,” she argued.

  “No, it doesn’t… because I love you, Melissa. I love you and everything that you are.” A sob racked through her, and I pulled her into my chest. “It doesn’t matter what wrongs you’ve committed, because I’ve seen the bright white light of your soul and it’s stunning.”

  Her body quaked, and I pulled her deeper into my embrace. Our clothes were damp, and the frosty air bit at my fingertips, but Melissa was in my arms. I could feel the weight of her world within every sob that split her open. My muscles twitched as I held her firmly against me. My lips fell to the top of her head with a kiss, and we let the Earth spin without us. Her fingers curled into the fabric of my shirt as if she needed the support. She cried harder and, instead of feeling weak, I hoped that she’d found her freedom.

  Her eyes were glassy when she tilted her gaze back up to mine, the skin around them was swollen, but she never looked more real, more beautiful than she did right now. She stared at me for a few seconds, her teeth chattering, the elements finally breaking into our bubble again.

  “Kieran… I-I’ve… all the terrible things I’ve done, I’ll always think I’m not good enough for you. But I want to be, I want the love I have for you to feel like something worth giving.”

  I held her face and wiped the dark lines from under her eyes. “Your love is the sun, and I fucking bask in it.” I lowered my head only meaning to taste her mouth once, but her lips reminded me, her scent drew me in, and I couldn’t stop.

  When I finally pulled away, my voice was rough with longing. “I want you to feel that heat, Mel. I want you to look at yourself and see that light. I’ll be here… I’m right here, and I want to help open your eyes.”

  She exhaled a long breath and the cold air transformed it into smoke. “I want to see it, too. But it’s hard to see past all the mistakes.”

  “Then just look through them, see them for what they were and learn from it. Learn from them and be happy.”

  She brushed a kiss across my mouth and my pulse spiked. “You make me happy,” she whispered.

  I tilted my head down and our mouths melted together with forgiveness. I kissed her inside the gray of the storm, and she didn’t pull away. Instead, her hands clasped behind my neck, and my fingers tangled in her hair. All the blame and worry evaporated into the warmth of her lips on mine, and when the bells of the church rang, my smile could be felt in our kiss. At any moment, the congregation would pour from the doors, and our short spell of peace would be over. I reluctantly broke from her lips and a violent shiver shook her body.

  “You’re freezing.”

  She laughed as she said, “We’re standing in a blizzard.”

  I glanced back at my truck as an idea formed. I had her in my arms again, and I didn’t want to let go. Her family was inside, and it would be smart to tread lightly, to ease back in, but those dark brown eyes had sparked with amber when she’d laughed and, as always, Melissa had me wanting to risk it all.

  “Come home with me?” I asked and my lips turned up on one side at the familiar line.

  She bit the corner of her bottom lip, suppressing her smile, but after a moment she nodded. “Okay.”

  “Are you sure?” Her yes had my heart pumping.

  Win number one.

  She leaned into me on her tip-toes, kissed me once on the mouth and said, “I love you too much to say no.”

  “You grabbed everything, right?” Mel asked as she sifted through her oversized messenger bag.

  I grinned as I watched her frantically check everything for the five hundredth time.

  “Yes. I even packed two extra sets of clothing in case she has a blow out.”

  Mel exhaled a long sigh of relief as her left hand lifted the purple and green blanket that covered the car seat carrier I held in my arm. The simple platinum band, engraved with a Celtic knot that sy
mbolized forever, sat on her ring finger. I still smiled every time I thought about the night I’d proposed to her at Jade’s. She would have chewed my ass if I’d gone extravagant and got her a diamond, so I picked something I could upgrade later, after the baby, and hopefully before the wedding next spring. Besides, I’d been saving for the Christmas present that I had hidden in my pocket since the moment we’d found out we were pregnant.

  “She’s fine,” I assured her with a soft smile.

  Melissa’s brows dipped. “I know. I’m just—”

  “Worried?”

  Her smile pulled into my two favorite dimples. Mel’s cheeks had rounded with her pregnancy and it amplified her dimples even more.

  “She’s only ten days old, Kieran, what if the twins have a cold, what if—”

  “Kelly already called, she said we can set her up in the nursery. It’s mostly empty, but I have the pack-n-play in the truck if we need it.”

  The truth was, after her family left this afternoon, I had to practically drag Mel out of our apartment. We’d had an amazing day with her parents, and Jordan thought it was really cool he was a big brother, but it had completely exhausted her. We were both exhausted, underfed, undersexed, basically… new parents. But it was Christmas, and Paige and Declan hadn’t met our daughter yet.

  “Kelly’s so baby hungry I bet she won’t let anyone else hold Ava.” I laughed and Melissa’s tired eyes danced with humor.

  “How far along is Kelly now? Second trimester?” she asked.

  I nodded and the elevator doors opened. Mel was still moving slowly, and when she winced I linked our free hands as we stepped into the hall. “Are you okay?”

  “Cramping, but nothing new.” She gave me a small, lopsided grin and my chest filled with pride.

  Melissa had our daughter without any pain meds. After she found out her C-section with Jordan wouldn’t hinder her from trying to deliver, she’d been determined to deliver naturally. I’d worried once that maybe one day she’d break, fall prey to the monsters that haunted her veins. When we found out that her birth control pills hadn’t been one hundred percent effective, those fears surfaced, and when we’d heard Ava’s heartbeat for the first time, it had been a mixture of shock and hope. I hoped I wouldn’t lose her to her old demons. I hoped we could both handle the hard shove into the deep end. When Mel put her mind to something she made it so, and I’d felt foolish for ever doubting my strong woman in the first place.