Saving the Game

by Karen Frances

  My eyes fill with tears at my own stupidity. I wrap my arms around myself, rocking back and forth as my body shakes uncontrollably.

  Fran moves from where she is and is by my side. Her arms offer me no comfort as I realise how stupid I’ve been.

  “Lee, honey. Let’s do the test and then we can worry about the rest.”

  “Okay,” I finally say through my tears, and stand up, leaving the room with the test in my hand.

  Five minutes later, I’m standing before Fran, my mind racing in all directions as I hand her the test that I can’t bear to look at. I watch her as she looks at the result. She lifts her head slowly and I know. Everything seems to slow down and I’m not ready for her to say the words. I’m pregnant. A slow burning fills my lungs and I gasp for air.

  “Come on. Let’s sit you down before you fall down.” Fran guides me back toward the couch and sits down beside me, wrapping her arm around me and pulling me into a protective hug. My tears fall for my own stupidity. What the hell do I know about having a baby?

  When my tears stop and my body stops trembling, Fran releases her tight hold on me and I sit up and look at her. She must see how devastated I am.

  “Lee, this doesn’t have to be the end of the world. No matter what you choose to do, I’ll be here for you, and so will Jess.”

  At the mention of Jess’s name, my breathing starts to accelerate. How the hell do I tell my best friend that I’m pregnant when, only a few months ago, she lost her baby? The room starts spinning and, as my tears fall again, everything before me is a blur.

  “Oh, Lee, sweetheart. Everything will be okay. I’m staying here all day with you.”

  “You can’t,” I say through my snot and tears. “What about the boys?”

  “They’re with my parents so don’t worry about them. Let’s concentrate on you and what you’re going to do and . . . if you’re going to tell Logan.”

  I lift my head. “How do you . . . ? I can’t tell him.”

  “It doesn’t take a genius to work things out. If you have this baby, you’ll have to tell him. And you also have to tell him how you feel about him, because it’s so damn obvious to everyone else.”

  “What?”

  “You, my girl, are head over heels in love with that man and he is the same with you. The silly thing is, you need to actually have a conversation so you both know.” Her words hit home and I finally acknowledge the fact that she’s right. I do love Logan Walker, but she’s wrong about how he feels.

  He’s a player. A bad boy. With a bad reputation.

  Logan

  TODAY’S TRAINING SESSION is dragging. Is it because Fletch isn’t here? Or is it because I’ve not heard from Lee today? I’m going with a combination of both. Not having Fletch at training makes it pretty boring, although I’m sure he’s having a fantastic time. I’m looking forward to training finishing so I can head to Lee’s office and hopefully talk her into leaving work early so I can take her out for dinner.

  We need to talk. It’s time to lay our cards on the table.

  “Bloody hell, Logan. Can you get your head out of the clouds and concentrate on this session?” Peter yells across the pitch at me. Everyone stops what they’re doing and all eyes are in my direction. These guys are worse than a bunch of school kids. They’re all waiting for the bad kid to get in trouble.

  He’s right; my head isn’t where it should be. “Sorry, boss.”

  “Don’t be sorry, just get your act together.”

  I refocus and continue with training without putting a foot wrong. Regardless of where my head is at, I’m still the best keeper in the team; that’s why I have the number one jersey. But I do need to sort out my life. That’s why I need to see Lee. I want us to become more than just a casual fling, because she does mean more to me than that. A lot more.

  And my feelings are terrifying me.

  I’m willing to give it a go. I just hope I’m reading the signals correctly and Lee wants the same.

  As we finish training, I watch as Peter takes a call. He doesn’t usually take personal calls during training unless there’s a problem with one of us, his players. He catches my eye on more than one occasion as he listens to whoever is on the other end of the call. His face remains unreadable and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. Peter ends his call and his eyes stay on me.

  “Everything okay, boss?” I ask.

  “Yes,” he answers unconvincingly, but it’s not my place to question him, so I don’t. It’s time to hit the shower so I can go see Lee. I have so many regrets about leaving her yesterday but I had to for my own sanity. It would’ve been so easy to stay at hers. Lie in her bed with her tucked into my side and forget about the world outside. But being around her had my head in so much of a spin that I couldn’t think straight, and I owed it to us both to clear my head and decide what I want. Which is Lee. I want to have a go at a proper relationship. What can be so hard about it? Maybe this time around things will be different for me.

  Fletch makes it look so easy with Jess. I always knew he struggled to figure out how he fit into this world. His upbringing was completely different to mine. I had parents who were not only supportive of my career, but who loved me. Fletch didn’t have that from his own mum. My mum loved and still loves him; she treats him like one of her own. Now Fletch has finally found his purpose in life. If he can turn his world around for the better, surely I can as well.

  The drive into town was uneventful, which gave me plenty of time to think. My head is swarming with lots of different scenarios and I still have no idea what I’m going to say to Lee when I walk through that office door. The one I’m staring at. The office appears to be in darkness.

  Lee and I have a connection; surely she feels it too. I know she does. I see it in the way she looks at me when she thinks I can’t see that sparkle in her eyes. The very same sparkle that can light up an entire room. I only see Lee and I only want her.

  I get out of the car and stroll towards the door. My reflection in the window catches my eye; could I be what she wants? The guy staring back at me surprises even me. For the first time, I notice all the small details, like how detailed the tattoo sleeve is on my arm, fine lines blending into each other, forming the pattern. The nervous smile on my face. The tired lines around my eyes due to my lack of sleep over the weekend.

  With a deep breath, I reach out to the door handle but the door opens and out rushes Fran with keys in her hand. “Oh. Hi, Logan,” she stutters.

  “Fancy seeing you here. Is Lee inside?”

  “Erm, no she’s at home.” She moves anxiously from one foot to the other and refuses to look at me.

  “Okay, I’ll give her a call. I was hoping to take her out to dinner.”

  She turns and I see a slight smile before something else washes over her face, although what it is, I’m not sure. “She needed a few things from the office.”

  “Is there a reason she couldn’t get them herself?”

  “Yes, she’s not feeling . . .” She clamps her hand over her mouth as if she’s said something she shouldn’t have.

  “She’s still not feeling well? Why hasn’t she called me?” It was the last thing I said to her, to call me if she needed me.

  “Logan, I need to go.” Turning away from me, she hurries to her car. I watch as she drives off into the traffic. Something isn’t right. Fran is hiding something from me. What’s wrong with Lee?

  I pull my phone from my back pocket and call her. It goes straight to voicemail; maybe she’s sleeping. “Hey, Lee. I swung by the office. I was hoping you would have dinner with me tonight. Anyway, I bumped into Fran and she said you’re still unwell. Why didn’t you call me? Please give me a call. I need to know you’re okay.”

  I want to go straight to her and make sure she’s okay. Be the one to look after her, especially when she’s sick. Fuck, I’m an arse. She looked awful when she opened the door to me on Saturday night after leaving the function. I knew even after we had sex yesterday she still
wasn’t feeling one hundred percent. I should’ve stayed.

  But my reasons for leaving her were purely selfish. I needed to be on my own. To clear my mind. Have I misread the signals? Is that why she hasn’t called me? Because she isn’t as interested in me as I thought she was?

  I get back into my car and take a grip of the steering wheel, dropping my head against it. Closing my eyes, all I see is Lee’s face. I need to go and check on her for myself.

  “What do you mean I can’t see her?” I snap at Fran as she stands at Lee’s front door with it only slightly opened. If I wanted to, I could easily push past her into the house, and from the look on her face, she knows it too. But I won’t. This is me trying to be patient.

  “Logan, she’s sleeping. I don’t want to disturb her. She’s been sick all day and needs to rest.”

  “Surely she can’t be on her own when you go home to the boys if she’s that sick?”

  She hesitates before answering. “I think her mum is coming here so she won’t be on her own.”

  “Can you tell her to drop me a text later so I know how she is?”

  “Yes. I’ll pass the message on. Now, I’d better get back. I have a lot to do.”

  “Like?” I leave the one word hanging in the air between us.

  “Like re-arranging her appointments for tomorrow. If she doesn’t need to go into work, hopefully it will help her recover from this illness she has.”

  “Ah, okay. I’ll speak to you later then.” I turn away and I hear the door close. Something isn’t right. Was the call Peter got at training from Fran? Does he know what’s wrong with her? Because Fran is acting all cagey, so I’m thinking it’s more than some bug.

  Lee

  I SIT STARING at the phone in my hand, reading Logan’s latest text. It’s almost identical to all the others he’s sent.

  Lee I need to see you. I need to know you are ok.

  After he was here on Monday, I did drop him a text saying sorry about dinner and hopefully we can do it when I feel better. He replied straight away:

  Just tell me where and when.

  I haven’t replied to any of his other messages, and there have been quite a few. I know I have to reply to him, but I need to get this doctor’s appointment out of the way first. I’ve been avoiding him for the last two days. Sunday doesn’t count. He’s not the only one I’ve been avoiding; my mum has been calling constantly. She had popped by the office on Monday too, hoping we could go for lunch, and I wasn’t there. When she called, I told her I was sick and she immediately wanted to come over and play nursemaid. Now that I was having none of. I’m not ready for her to know I’m pregnant yet and I’m especially not ready to tell her it’s Logan’s baby. She’ll judge me for spending time with him. No doubt tell me I could do a lot better for myself than some player.

  So, here we are. It’s Wednesday and I’m waiting on Fran. She’s coming with me today. Today, I find how far along I am. Or, as I’ve said time and time again over the last few days, how stupid I’ve been. She has been a tower of support when all I’ve done is cry my bloody eyes out.

  She was here with me last night when Jess’s text came through, or rather her picture message; her left hand with a huge sparkler on it. I cried as I typed out my reply of congratulations. Jess will be home tonight and, she might be my best friend, but I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to face her and tell her my news. I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that I’m pregnant.

  How the hell do I tell her? After everything she’s been through. She’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her and last night’s message just confirmed that. I’m happy for her and Fletcher. They’re getting the happily ever after, and what am I getting?

  At this moment in time, I don’t know. My phone beeps in my hand—a message from Fran.

  I’m outside.

  This is it. Nervously, I stand, grab my bag and keys, and leave the comfort of my apartment. An apartment I’ve not left since I came home on Saturday night. It’s been my safe place, where I don’t need to face the real world.

  “Hey, you look tired,” Fran says as I get in the car.

  “Yeah. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

  “Hopefully after today things will be clearer. You can think about what you want to do.”

  We had this conversation last night, about choices. I’m not sure I’m mother material and, as for Logan, I don’t think he’ll be winning any prizes for being dad of the year, but I also know that no matter what happens today, there’s no choice to be made. As my dad would say, ‘I’ve made my bed. Now I need to lie in it.’

  I’m having this baby.

  I’m hoping once I find out how far along I am, I can think about how to tell Logan. He’s going to think I’m trying to tie him down. I’d love to be the one to tie him down, of course I would, but even I know a baby won’t change who he is.

  Our drive is quiet and gives me time to reflect and think. Will I be able to cope with bringing up a baby on my own? Technically, I won’t be on my own. I know my mum and dad will help, and I’m sure Jess will too. I’ll need to move house, somewhere with a garden and out of the city. A nice quiet area with good schools.

  I’m jumping the gun a bit.

  My phone rings. As I look at the screen, I know I need to answer it. “Hey, Logan.”

  “Lee, babe, how are you?” I catch Fran from the corner of my eye, watching me. She should have her eyes on the road, not on me.

  “I’m okay. How are you?”

  “Missing you.” His admission surprises me. “I want to see you.”

  There’s a long pause, neither of us knowing what to say. “Why don’t you come over tonight? You could pick up a pizza or something on your way over.”

  “What are you doing?” Fran mouths.

  I shake my head and wait for his answer.

  “I’d love to. Drop me a text later if there’s anything else you need me to bring over. I know you’ve been stuck in for a few days now.”

  The words are out of my mouth before I think. “No. I think Fran has picked up everything I need.”

  “Oh. Has Fran been looking after you? I could’ve done that.” He knows she’s been with me, but I can hear the disappointment in his voice.

  “I didn’t want to bother you with training and that.”

  “Speaking of that, I’d better go. I’ll see you tonight.”

  “Bye, Logan.”

  The call ends, and I turn and face Fran and wait to hear what she has to say, but she says nothing. She parks the car. “We’re here.”

  I hesitate before getting out. When I do, Fran is beside me and takes my arm, urging me to follow her lead. I know we won’t have to wait long to be seen. After everything Jess went through, we both decided to take out private healthcare. One of the perks of being in business and making money. The last time I was in this hospital was the night Jess collapsed after hearing about Scott’s death after he beat her up.

  Fran gives the receptionist my name and she tells us where to go. After walking through the hospital, which looks homelier than I had imagined, we arrive where we’re supposed to be and sit down.

  This waiting area reminds me more of a sitting room in a house; it’s light and very well furnished.

  I sit on the edge of the chair, my eyes scanning the room. There’s a young couple sitting near the window, hand in hand. They look happy and excited, unlike me. I’m rubbing my hands up and down my jean-clad legs, feet bouncing from one to the other. It’s safe to say I’m nervous.

  “Lee MacKay,” a voice calls out. I stand slowly to see an older woman with notes in her hands. She smiles at me and I turn to Fran.

  “Do you want me to come in with you?” she asks. I nod. She stands and we walk toward the woman together.

  The room we’re taken into is more clinical; white walls, bed over at the wall with a chair beside it, and lots of equipment. We sit down and the woman introduces herself as Alice. She’s going to be who I see each time I visit, unless there
’s a problem, and then I’ll see the consultant, who she says I’ll meet today.

  Alice asks lots of question about my medical history. It all seems routine. She asks the date of my last period and I’m honest with her and tell her I can’t remember. She doesn’t cast judgement and, if she does, I don’t see it.

  “Okay, Lee, first things first. Let’s get you scanned and find out how far on you are. Now, don’t worry if I don’t pick anything up straight away with the ultrasound. It may be you are very early on and, if that’s the case, I’ll do an internal scan.”

  I must look horrified because she and Fran do their best to reassure me that it’ll be fine. I lie on the bed, loosen my jeans, and pull up my top. Fran and Alice glance at me before looking at each other. They share a knowing look, something that neither of them seems ready to tell me about.

  Alice puts some cold jelly on my stomach. This is not helping me to relax. She puts the wand over my stomach, sliding it back and forth and around.

  After what seems like forever, she turns the screen to me. With Fran’s hand in mine, I take a deep breath and ready myself for what Alice has to tell me. “Well, Lee. Here is your baby.” She points at the screen and I see it straight away. “This is baby’s heart beating and everything looks as it should.”

  It’s not what I imagined. I remember Jess showing me her first scan picture. She was around seven weeks and it just looked like a blob, but on this one, I can see hands and legs.

  “How far along am I?”

  “I would say around twelve weeks going by the measurements I’ve taken.” Mentally, I do the maths; that would mean the very first night I slept with Logan. “Your due date is the sixteenth of March. I think we should discuss your care,” Alice says, handing me some tissue to clean up my stomach. I clean up and sort myself before moving from the bed to the chair.

  I clench my eyes shut in an attempt to clear the feelings sweeping through me; fear, and maybe a little excitement. I’m really having a baby. I knew I was, the test Fran gave me said I was, but hearing when I’m due and seeing my baby on the screen makes it all the more real. Reality is hitting home fast. I feel a tad sick, but I put that down to my nerves.