“I feel it. Peter, I’m sorry about training.”
“I’m sure you are. Look, I know about Lee and I also know about Nikki and the baby you lost. I remember it making headlines, what . . . eight years ago?” I nod. “I’m not here to tell you what’s right and wrong for you, but I’ll say this as a friend, not your boss. I can see you love Lee, so you have to think about what you really want. It would be so easy to walk away from her and the baby through fear. But what if you took a chance? You would have two wonderful things. Someone who loves you, and a baby to love and protect.”
My tear-filled eyes shift between Peter and Fletcher and it’s clear they’ve been talking about me. I know they mean well but I can’t stand here and listen to this. With my heart hammering in my chest, I leave the room.
“Logan.”
“Leave him.” Peter says. The door closes behind me and I stop and lean against the wall. I can still hear their voices. “How is Lee?”
“I don’t know. Jess is giving her some space. She’s staying with her parents. Jess is going to see her tomorrow after work. She thought she was okay, but she has spoken to Lee’s mum and she told Jess that she’s not in a good place. Really down. Crying and not eating.”
“Fran is worried about her too. I’m sure everything will sort itself out. They need time. Look, we need to focus on today’s game. With Logan not in the team today, I’m playing you, because this is a game I don’t want to lose.”
“Okay. You can count on me. Then I’ll attempt to take care of Logan.”
I’ve heard enough. Fletch take care of me; that’s laughable. It wasn’t so long ago he couldn’t even take care of himself. I make my way along the corridor until I find myself in the player’s lounge. It’s empty except for a member of waiting staff. I grab a bottle of water because the bar isn’t open for a proper drink, and I take a seat to watch the sports channel news as they round up today’s game.
The commentators talk through the line-up. “Why is Logan Walker not in today’s team?” one asks.
“I’ve heard a few rumours of personal problems. No one has come out and said anything, but I have heard he went off the rails.”
“Off the rails!” That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time. Have I ever been on the rails to start with? I think not.
“Oh, Logan. I didn’t know about your girlfriend and the baby.”
What the fuck?
Is she speaking about Nikki or Lee? I dread to think. That voice sends shivers down my spine. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. Where the hell did she come from?
Slowly, I turn to see Chantelle standing beside me, trying to look sympathetic, but it doesn’t wash with me. She’s a vindictive cow. She lifts her hand and strokes my face. I flick it away. Her touch makes my skin crawl.
“Go away,” I tell her. “No one wants you here.”
“Maybe, but it looks as though you need someone, or . . . something.”
My eyes roam her scantily clad body and I shake my head. “Whatever I need, it’s not you. Now fuck off.”
“Oh, Logan, honey. I don’t see why you should miss out on all the fun.” What the hell is she talking about? “You’re missing out on the game because you’ve been a bad boy and Lee isn’t here to support you. But I am.”
“Leave Lee out of whatever games you’re playing.”
“Me? I’m not playing games. But why isn’t she here? A lovers’ tiff?”
“Go away and give a man some peace. I don’t want you and, come to think of it, I don’t know anyone who does.”
“You’ll regret this.” She huffs, turning on her heel, flicking her hair as she struts away. The only thing about her I regret is knowing she exists.
Lee
SILENCE HAS FILLED the house since I came here. My parents are tiptoeing around me, unsure of what to say because all I seem to do is cry. And why? I’ve no idea. Everything with the baby is fine. They shouldn’t have to tiptoe around me; this is their home. Mum has tried talking to me, but I’ve all but pushed her away. I know my actions have hurt her; I’ve seen it in her eyes. She has been so accepting of my pregnancy, excited at the thought of being a granny. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling more confused. I had expected her to start ranting and raving about me being a single mum, or demanding that she and dad go and meet with Logan so she can tell him exactly what she thinks about him. But there’s been none of that. It’s scary how understanding she’s been.
The last few days have been difficult. I’ve refused to see Jess or Fran, but I do know Jess is coming here as soon as she finishes work today. When I got her text message, I wanted to tell her no, but it was more of a statement than a question. I knew she wouldn’t take any notice of what I had to say. The funny thing is, that’s how I was with her when she kept trying to push me away. Now I can appreciate all the times she didn’t want to talk and just be left alone.
I hear a loud knocking at the front door, and glance at the time; that will be Jess.
“Hi, May. How is she?” I can hear Jess’s voice from the hallway. No doubt Mum has already given her a rundown before she got here, leaving nothing out. Being here with my parents has given me plenty of time to think but I still haven’t come to any reasonable conclusions about what’s going to happen with Logan.
“Oh, Jess. I don’t know what to do with her. You have to get her back to work. She has to get out of this house. I’m hoping you can help her see sense. She has to start eating before she ends up sick. I know this must be hard for you.” I can imagine Mum standing in the hallway, cuddling Jess with tears in her eyes.
“May, stop right there. This isn’t hard for me. Lee is my best friend, and just as she was there for me when I needed her, I’ll do the same for her, without hesitation.”
“You are a good girl. Now, how have you been the last few days with your life plastered all over the news?” Mum’s question makes me sit up in my bed. What the hell has Jess had to put up with now? Is she ever going to get a break? Fletcher had better be behaving himself because, so help me, he’ll have me to answer to if he hurts her.
“I’m good. I knew to expect it. And with our engagement making news, it might make all those single women realise he’s off the market.” I hear Mum laugh and then footsteps fading away.
There’s no knock on my bedroom door before it opens, and there stands Jess, looking great, although more tired than usual. “Hey you,” she says, coming in and closing the door behind her.
“Hey yourself. What’s up?”
“Nothing. I’m here to check up on you. See when you intend coming back to work.”
She sits down beside me and I shift uncomfortably under her gaze. “I don’t know.”
“Lee, I need you back.” There’s an edge to her voice. Something is wrong.
“Yeah, it looks like it.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you look as tired as I feel.”
“Yes, well I’ve been run off my feet today and yesterday.”
“Why were you in work yesterday? We never do Sundays unless we’re onsite somewhere.”
“Because, my gorgeous friend, someone had time off. There was a lot to do. Never mind that. I’m back up to date with everything, but this week is busy. I can’t be in two places at once.”
I sit and think about her words. Yes, I’m sure there was a lot to do, but is she trying to get me back to work as an obligation to mum? Or does she really need me?
“I don’t know when I’m coming back.”
“Okay, but I’m sure someone once said to me that I couldn’t sit about all day every day and feel sorry for myself.”
“You know you can be a right bitch at times?” I say, trying to hide my smile. Jess’s smile is wide as she looks at me. She knows I’m kidding. “How about I come in tomorrow? Everyone is right. I can’t hide myself away. Just don’t expect miracles. Now, what’s all this about you in the news?”
“So, you were listening to my conversation with y
our mum. My engagement has made national news. There’s reporters everywhere I go. Apparently, there’s nothing else going on in Scotland. Front page news for a footballer getting engaged.”
“Of course. I’ll need to get myself a copy of the paper to see how good you look.”
“Enough. Has Logan been in touch?”
“No.” I knew she would ask, just as she probably knows I want to avoid the subject of Logan Walker.
“So, we have a lot to talk about then.”
She’s right, we do. Especially about work. How the hell am I going to cope looking after a baby and working? I love my job and there’s no way I want to give it up.
My life just keeps getting more complicated by the second.
As we talk, I’m glad Jess came over because having her here has already made me feel better. She’s happy for me and not just putting on a brave face. Jess doesn’t have to; I would know if she was upset.
We discuss the possibility of bringing someone in to the business on a temporary basis to cover me when I’m on maternity leave, which does sound like the perfect solution. I need to have a conversation with my mum, to see if she will be able to help out with the baby so I can eventually go back to work. Jess also tells me she can’t wait to go shopping for this wee one. I remember feeling the exact same way when she told me she was pregnant. I shudder inwardly at the thoughts now firmly in my head.
The painful scene of Jess in hospital after Scott attacked her seems so real now. I close my eyes, trying to lose the thoughts. The pain and misery she went through. When I open my eyes, Jess is staring, frown lines set deeply in her forehead. She knows where my thoughts are. Guilt floods me. Her baby was planned and wanted whereas . . . I don’t go there because, if I do, I’m only going to upset myself.
Life can be so cruel.
But at the same time, Jess wouldn’t be at the point she is in her life now if it weren’t for the events in her past.
Life can also be funny.
“Okay, now I know you don’t want to discuss Logan.”
“No.”
“Lee, you need to hear me out.” I sigh and wait for whatever she has to tell me. “Peter left him out of the team.”
This is news to me. I never even cared enough to watch the game. “And I’m supposed to care?”
“He’s been drinking and didn’t show up for training. And according to Fletcher, he didn’t show up again today. He’s really worried about him. He’s away to his tonight. Logan isn’t handling this well.”
“Whoopi-fucking-do. I don’t get the option of walking away. He walked out of my door as soon as I told him I was pregnant, so don’t you dare try to make me feel sorry for the great Logan fucking Walker, because I can’t. I won’t.”
“Lee, that’s not what I meant and you know it. Although, I did question Fletcher about his unsaid comment at yours the other night. You need to speak to Logan.”
“What aren’t you telling me?”
Jess bites her lip and looks away briefly. I move restlessly on the bed as a warning voice in my head tells me I don’t want to know. “You’re going to find out anyway because speculation is already mounting about his behaviour.”
“Tell me!” I shout, anxious to hear what the hell is going on.
“Eight years ago, Logan’s girlfriend, Nikki, was pregnant. There was a crash one night when she was on her way to pick him up. Nikki and the baby didn’t survive. He blames himself. This is common knowledge. I’m not telling you anything you couldn’t find out if you went looking.” I sit, flabbergasted by her revelation. Why did I not know this? Surely if it’s common knowledge I would know, but then again, it’s only the last few years I’ve really followed football. “Lee, he’s scared. He’s scared to let you in because he loves you. He can’t see forward. He’s haunted by the past.”
Tears well within my tears. Poor Logan. No wonder he walked away from me.
“I have to see him.” The words leave me in a rush. Pain squeezes around my heart at the thought of him alone with thoughts of his past. “Jess, please can you take me to him?”
Logan
TIME HAS STOPPED. All I want is to press fast forward and get away from all my memories and fears. I thought I’d put my past firmly behind me, but it appears not. I’ve tried to justify my craziness, that if I push Lee away now, she and our baby will be okay. And with her in Jess’s life, I get to keep them in a part of mine, albeit at arm’s length. I can watch on from the side lines and see our baby grow into a beautiful child who, hopefully, takes after Lee and not me.
A baby we created.
A baby we will both love.
A baby I want.
This is fucking stupid. I’m sitting here alone with another beer in my hand, allowing my thoughts to swirl around and around in my head.
I’m being a selfish bastard because I’m being torn in two. My heart wants to see what the future may hold for me and Lee. My head is filled with visions of my past.
I can’t deny that I love Lee, and a baby would make life complete. But this is me, Logan Walker. I won’t put them in danger.
Loud banging on my front door starts then stops. I’m in no mood for visitors. It starts again, louder.
“Logan, open this damn door before I kick it in.” Fletcher. Of course it would be him. Doesn’t he get that I just want to be left alone?
If I sit still for long enough, he might just leave. “Logan . . . I’ll give you exactly one minute to open up.” I look at my watch before deciding a broken front door isn’t worth it. With my beer still in my hand, I go and open the door to him. Fletcher stands before me, face expressionless, shoulders squared. He looks determined, that’s for sure.
I’m in no mood for a fight, especially with him.
He walks in without saying a word. I go back into the living room, leaving him to do what the hell he likes. I hear him in the kitchen, the fridge being opened and closed.
“Why are you here?” I ask, without looking up. I sense him watching me.
“To sort you out before it’s too late for both your career and Lee.” He sits down beside me. “Peter is, well, let’s just say you’re trying his patience. You disappeared yesterday, and today you were a no show for training. He’s already decided you aren’t in the team again this weekend. You’re not doing yourself any favours.”
“I don’t want favours.”
“What is it you want?”
I turn my head. I don’t know what to say. I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath, searching for some confidence.
“Truthfully?” He nods before taking a drink. “I want Lee.”
“So what’s stopping you?”
“Are you for real?” I rise to my feet in anger and pace the floor. “You were there. You had to live through that time with me. You saw me at my lowest when I lost the will to carry on. You also helped to put me back together when everyone else gave up on me. So don’t you dare sit there and question me. Everything is stopping me.”
His phone buzzes and I watch as he reads a text message. “No, Logan. There’s only one thing stopping you and that’s you. You have a chance to be happy, but your own fears are stopping you. We can’t change the past, but it’s just that. The past. Fuck, just look at some of the shit I’ve been through. You have a lot to look forward to if you get your act together. None of us know what the future holds, so we should grab our chance of happiness when it’s there in front of us.”
“Like you?”
“Yes. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be spending my life with someone like Jess. Look at all she’s been through lately. She amazes me every single day with how strong she is.”
“Everyone is different.”
“Yes, I know that. Over the years you’ve put up a wall, not letting anyone inside through fear of getting attached. Hey, I can’t say anything; I did the exact same thing. But Lee is great and I’m sure you two can work through this. Now, Jess and Lee are here.”
“What the fuck?”
“Nothing to do with me. I had no idea they were coming here until a moment ago.” The text message he received. There’s a knock at the door. I stare at Fletcher. Well, I’m not answering it. I never asked any of them to come here. All I wanted was to be left alone. He leaves the room and answers the door. I hear hushed voices before they all enter.
I lift my eyes from the spot on the floor I’ve been staring at. Lee is standing only feet away from me, motionless in the middle of the room. Her blonde hair lacks shine. Her eyes tell me she’s tired, and the darkness and puffiness underneath them tell me she’s been crying. A lot. Her skin isn’t glowing as it usually is. Her face has thinned, telling me she’s not eating properly. The confidence that usually surrounds her is gone, and all I see is a frightened girl before me.
I’ve done this.
This is my fault.
I catch a glimpse of Fletcher wrapping his arms around Jess as they stand by the doorway.
“Logan, you should’ve told me.” Her voice is small and full of pain.
No. I didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want her life to be tainted by my past.
She’s hurting, not just for herself, but for me.
I take a step toward her, unsure of what to do. For the first time in days, I’m calm and composed. I need her here with me and, like everyone else, she’s right. I should’ve told her instead of running away. Wimping out.
Reaching out, I pull her body close to mine, wrapping my arms around her, holding her where she belongs; with me. Her trembling body melts against mine and I feel her tears through my T-shirt. I glance toward Fletcher. ‘Go. It’ll be fine,’ I mouth. Jess smiles before taking Fletcher’s hand and leading him away.
Lee and I need to be on our own.
I hope I’m doing the right thing.
“Lee, please. Everything is going to be okay.” I’m the one who has caused the state she’s in. I need to be the one to bring colour back to her cheeks. Bring her back to life. I kiss the top of her head before pulling back, needing to see her. I cup her chin, tilting her head until her darkened eyes reach mine. Pain grips my chest seeing so much hurt and sorrow in her eyes.
Saving the Game Page 10
