Undeniable Rush

by Stephens, S. C.

  Hoping Dad remained nice, I told Theresa, “No, he’s moving in with Nikki.”

  The entire room went quiet. Daphne looked between Hayden and me like she suddenly didn’t understand what she was seeing. “He’s moving in with…another woman…and you’re cool with that?”

  Hayden ran a hand through his hair, uncertainty on his face again. “It’s not… She’s not… I’m helping her out, she’s helping me out…it’s a friendship thing.”

  Daphne pursed her lips. “It always starts out that way.”

  Dad crossed his arms over his chest as he burned Hayden with his eyes. Glaring at everyone, I told the room, “Nikki’s pregnant, and she’s worried about money. Hayden is staying there to help her out financially.”

  I stressed the word as I shot everyone nasty looks, daring anyone else to call my boyfriend a cheater. Unfortunately, they all knew I’d suspected the same thing not too long ago. They knew about the breakup, and they knew about the person who had triggered the whole thing. I firmed my face, showing them confidence in my relationship, and nothing else.

  The room was thick with tension, and oddly, it was my father who broke it. “Nikki is pregnant? I didn’t know she was seeing anyone.”

  I could tell from the way he said it that he wasn’t comfortable talking about it but was just trying to change the subject. Relaxing my expression, I told him, “She’s not. It was kind of…an accident.”

  “Who is the father?” Theresa asked, genuinely curious.

  Cringing, I bit my lip. “Myles…”

  My father’s eyes narrowed into pinpricks. “Myles Kelley? He’s the one who got her pregnant?”

  Sighing, I immediately held up my hands. “Don’t. I know that look on your face, and I know you want to ‘have a talk’ with him, but just…don’t. Myles and Nikki are fine. They’re working things out.”

  Dad indicated Hayden. “Then why is he moving in with her and not Myles? Why is Myles shirking his responsibilities?”

  “He’s not, but Myles and Nikki…they’re…complicated,” I said, knowing full well that wasn’t going to be a good enough answer for my dad.

  As I watched him slowly shake his head, I resisted the urge to smack myself in the face. I never should have brought up Nikki’s situation around Dad, and I knew, without a doubt, Dad was going to have a conversation with Myles soon. And then Myles was going to have a conversation with me. Great.

  * * *

  After dinner, I drove Hayden back to my place, so he could pick up the car he was borrowing from Hookup before driving back to Hookup’s place in San Diego. I was grateful this would be the last time he’d have to make the long, twice-daily trip. Once he was settled in with Nikki, his commute was going to be so much shorter.

  “So, was that as bad as you feared it would be?” I asked him.

  Face pensive, he took a moment before answering me. “Hmmm? Dinner? Oh, no…it was actually kind of fun.”

  I studied his face as we approached a stoplight. “Then why do you look like you’re…reconsidering something?”

  With a sigh, he looked my way. “I guess, because I am.”

  Even though I didn’t want it to, my heart fluttered. Was this about us? “What do you mean?”

  Hayden frowned, which didn’t make me feel any better. “It’s just…maybe your dad is right. Maybe I shouldn’t be moving in with Nikki. Maybe Myles is the one who should be doing this, and I’m stepping on his toes or something.”

  Relief poured into me as I realized it had nothing to do with us. “Wait, you’re agreeing with my dad now?” Hayden smiled and rolled his eyes, and I shook my head. “Myles is stuck in a lease, you know that. He can’t move in with her right now.”

  He pursed his lips in thought. “I could switch places with him. The landlord would probably never know.”

  Shaking my head again, I told him, “Maybe…but Nikki isn’t ready for that. She needs to ease into this parenting thing. Having Myles around all the time would just make it harder, I think.”

  “I thought they were best friends?” he asked, confused.

  A long sigh escaped me as the light turned green. “Yeah…they are, but…there’s tension now, you know?”

  Hayden smirked at me. “Ah, yes…I am very familiar with tension.”

  I laughed, then asked, “Why are you really having second thoughts? It can’t just be because you’re worried about offending Myles.”

  Hayden didn’t answer right away, and when I snuck a peek at him, his head was down in contemplation. Finally, he said, “I saw the way your sisters looked at me. I don’t want you to ever look at me that way.” Lifting his head, he stared my way. “Are you sure you’re okay with this, Kenzie?”

  I threw a carefree smile his way, letting him know just how untroubled about this I was. “I told you I was fine, and I meant it.” Pursing my lips, I added, “And besides, I think I’d rather have you living with Nikki, then over at the bachelor pad, party house. You and Nikki together will give me far fewer ulcers.”

  Hayden laughed as he put a hand on my knee. “Good, because I don’t want you worrying about me anymore. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I know,” I whispered, a tight grin on my lips. Or at least, I hope I know.

  When we finally got to my house, it was difficult to say goodbye to Hayden. My head told me I was being silly, and I should take a chance and let him come inside. My heart was screaming at me to seal the windows and doors tight and prepare for the inevitable storm. I was torn, and because I was so torn, I knew it wasn’t the right time—I needed to keep some space between us, just a little while longer.

  Hayden didn’t press me to come in, just gave me a series of soft kisses that left me breathless. I felt my resolve wavering as his mouth moved over mine. Maybe I could do this. Maybe if he just came into the living room. Maybe if we only sat on the couch and kissed. It didn’t have to go further than that. I didn’t have to strip off his shirt, feel every inch of his torso, place soft kisses down his abs…

  I immediately pulled away from him and was shocked to find I was breathing heavier. Hayden’s eyes were concerned, until he noticed how affected I was by him. “Kenzie,” he murmured. “I know you wanted to take things slow…but if you’re ready to go just a little faster…all you have to do is tell me.”

  I bit my lip as I studied his face. God, yes, a huge part of me did want to pick up the pace. But inviting him in, welcoming him into my heart, laying out my soul for him to take…just the thought made an apprehensive knot form in my stomach. As I contemplated progressing our relationship, the barrage of lies I’d endured from him recently whipped me across the face, stealing my desire. I said I’d tell you the truth. I just never said when I’d tell you.

  Swallowing a hard lump in my throat, I shook my head at him. “I’m not…” My eyes stung as the ache of his betrayal poured through me, all over again. Would it ever completely leave me? God, I hoped so. “Not yet,” I murmured.

  Pain was on Hayden’s face, but he nodded in understanding. “Okay, Kenzie.” A moment of silent tension passed between us, and then he whispered, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

  My vision hazed with unshed tears, making it difficult to see him. “I know. I know you are…” I willed the moisture in my eyes back inside my body. There was no reason to fall apart, to indulge in unnecessary agony. We were back together, we were happy, we were moving forward again. I needed to let this go…before it destroyed us.

  Slapping on as large of a smile as I could, I gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Hayden. I’ll be at your place bright and early…so don’t stay up late.” Mentioning staying up late made a well of pain crack open inside my chest. The distance between us had started because he’d been out late…with her.

  Nothing happened, he did it for you. He chose you. He doesn’t want her.

  Begging my eyes to remain dry, I gave him one last kiss, then turned and started speed-walking to my front door. Best to get inside quickly, just
in case. Hayden’s voice stopped me as I was inserting the key. “I love you, Kenzie.”

  My back straightened, and every muscle went stiff. We’d played around with those words, but we’d avoided directly saying them. A mixture of emotions assaulted me as I turned to look back at Hayden—joy…and grief. “I love you, too,” I whispered, a small, sad smile on my lips. Then I darted into the house, quickly closing the door behind me.

  Exchanging those words should have lifted my spirit, should have made me feel light and airy, invincible. But that wasn’t exactly how I felt. Part of me felt like I was walking through the clouds, blissfully buoyant. But another part of me, the scared, dark, hurt part, felt like a giant sinkhole had just opened up all around me, and any second now, I was going to stumble over the edge and fall into the abyss. All that was waiting for me on this path was pain. Inevitable pain.

  No, that’s not necessarily true. Not every relationship is doomed. As long as there is love, there is hope.

  And I knew deep in my heart that he truly did love me. Fierce, unshakable love. Was that enough to fill this distance between us though? Once trust had been fractured, was it possible to regain unquestioning faith in the person who’d cracked it? Or would I always—from now until the end of my days—be haunted by doubt? Would these thorns inside my heart ceaselessly pierce me, forcing me to heal over and over again? Because that sounded exhausting.

  Needing a little friendly support and advice, I pulled out my phone and called Nikki, my best friend, my confidant, my female other-half. I could hear Hayden’s car pulling away as the phone rang; it intensified the confusion I was feeling. I wanted space from him, but I also wanted to pull him close. How both of those feelings were possible at the same time, I’d never understand.

  “Hey, girlie,” Nikki said, answering the line. “How did it go?”

  Knowing she meant dinner at Dad’s, I sighed. “It was…fine. Awkward at first, but then…fine.”

  “Then why do you sound like it didn’t go well?” she asked.

  Worn out from the emotional tug-of-war, I dropped to the couch. “Hayden told me he loved me,” I said, melancholy in my voice.

  “Normally I’d say congratulations…but I feel like that’s the wrong thing to say right now. Why is that not a good thing? Are you changing your mind about him?” she asked.

  Even though Nikki couldn’t see me, I shook my head. “No, he’s who I want, it just…sometimes it hurts to want him. Sometimes… I’m terrified. I don’t want to get hurt again…”

  A sympathetic noise met my ear. “I get it, Kenzie, I really do…but if you keep holding him back, then what’s the point of being together? Eventually, you’ll have to stop dipping your toes in the water and jump in.”

  Her swimming metaphor made me smile. “I know. It’s just really…hard. I keep having these horrible thoughts. And the dreams…they’re even worse than what I stress about during the day.”

  “Tell me about it,” she said. “Last night I had a dream that the baby was actually an alien from space. It burst out of my va-jay-jay, then tried to kill me.”

  Before I could stop myself, I started laughing. Belly laughing. Nikki sniffed, like she was offended. “It’s not funny, Kenzie. That could totally happen. It is Myles’s baby, after all.”

  Wiping my eyes, I continued laughing for another full minute. When I was done, Nikki flatly intoned, “Feel better?”

  And surprisingly enough, I did. Humor had an uncanny way of dissolving fear. “Yes, thank you…and please call me if you have any more nightmares like that.”

  Nikki finally laughed. “I will.”

  Feeling warm and at peace once more, I told her, “Thank you, Nikki, I needed that. And, just so you know, everything with the baby is going to be fine. You’ve got me, you’ve got Myles, you’ve got Hayden…you don’t have to go through any of this alone.”

  She sniffed again, but it was laced with emotion this time. “Thank you, Kenzie. I’m kind of freaking out on a daily basis. I’ve got my first doctor’s appointment next week…will you come with me?”

  “Of course,” I said, smiling into the phone. “Is Myles coming, too?” There was such a long pause, I could almost picture her gnawing on her lip. “Oh my God, Nikki. The second you hang up with me, call your baby-daddy and fill him in on what’s going on. Okay?”

  “Okay,” she murmured, clearly unhappy.

  “See you tomorrow,” I said, disconnecting the phone before she could change her mind and weasel her way out of calling Myles. For some reason, Nikki wanted to pretend away the baby when it came to Myles. I supposed she had her own fears on the matter, and they probably went even deeper than mine.

  Staring at my phone, I knew I needed to do something. I needed to push myself forward, even though I felt like retreating. Opening up my contacts, I scrolled to Hayden’s assigned name—Major Asshat. Pressing the message icon, I sent him a brief text—one I hadn’t sent in a really long time. ‘I love you.’

  My heart pounded as I hit send, waiting for the confliction to return. But it didn’t come. I still felt okay, and I took that small growth as a victory.

  Hayden didn’t respond to my text until he got home—good boy. ‘I love you too. See you soon, sweetheart.’ As I read his message, I could easily picture the content grin on his face. It further eased my stress, and as I drifted off to sleep, I found peace in the fact that, at least for today, hope had conquered doubt.

  CHAPTER 2

  I left for Hayden and Hookup’s place bright and early the next day, just as promised. Hookup lived in the heart of the city, in a neighborhood that looked a little sketchy. Everyone had chain-link fences in the front and back yard, and graffiti was plastered on just about everything. Hookup and Izzy had grown up near here, with Hayden joining them later. I tried to picture them running around as children, but I just couldn’t see it.

  When I got to the basic one-story house that belonged to Hookup, I couldn’t help but notice that his place was the only house on the street with only one car in the driveway. I had to believe that was a rarity for Hookup’s house, since Hayden had told me that before his recent change of heart, this house had been party central. Seeing how quiet it was now must be shocking to the neighbors.

  Parking my truck behind Hookup’s car, I got out and headed to the front door. I considered ringing the doorbell with a Christmas song, since that was how Hayden frequently greeted me, but I decided against it, since Hookup was probably still sleeping.

  Instead of knocking, I texted Hayden and let him know I was at the door. He looked adorably tired and disheveled when he opened it to let me in. “Hey there, twenty-two,” he said with a yawn. “I knew you said you’d be early, but I had no idea you’d be racing the sun to get here.” He glanced up at the pale, morning light, then shook his head. “Sorry, babe, but I think you lost that race. I’ve got donuts as a consolation prize though.”

  He opened the door wide enough for me to come in, and I shot him a dirty look. “You know I can’t eat that stuff while I’m training. In fact, you shouldn’t be eating that stuff either. I need you in tip-top shape for the first race.”

  He raised an eyebrow at me as I passed by. “In March? I think I’ll be fine.” He lifted his shirt to show me a set of rock-hard abs that any male model would kill for. “See…all firm, no flab. When you see love handles, then you can take away my donuts.”

  The sight of his lean, flat stomach had me so distracted, all I could do was murmur, “Sure…”

  Hayden laughed at the look on my face as he dropped his shirt, then he pulled me into him for a hug. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said, and there was something in his voice that seemed overly relieved, almost like he hadn’t been sure I’d come.

  Pulling back to look at him, I noted the concern in his eyes. “My boyfriend is moving in with my pregnant best friend…how could I possibly miss a moment of that?”

  His emerald eyes lightened as he studied me, until finally, he laughed. “Yeah, if anything, th
is should be…interesting. Come on, join me for breakfast. We need food before we start.”

  Grabbing my hand, he led me toward the kitchen. My eyes drifted around as we walked. Hookup had been busy packing his stuff, and boxes were everywhere. He’d sold the place, so he could move into a house in a nicer neighborhood with Izzy and Antonia. Aside from purchasing all of the equipment I’d needed for Cox Racing, it was the most unselfish thing I’d ever seen him do.

  When we got to the kitchen, I was shocked to see that Hookup was awake…and eating Hayden’s donuts. Just because he’d changed, didn’t mean he was an entirely different person. “Hey, man… Kenzie. Thanks for the grub,” he said, lifting the apple fritter in his hand.

  Hayden frowned. “I bought that for Kenzie…that’s why there was a giant K on it.”

  “It’s okay,” I interceded. “My hips don’t need it.”

  Hookup nodded, like he was agreeing with me. Yep. A part of him was still very much the same. Asshole. “See,” he said, “I knew she wouldn’t want it. Kind of sad that I know your girlfriend better than you do.”

  Hayden sighed, then shook his head. “Whatever, Tony. Did you save me some boxes?”

  Taking another big bite, he nodded. “They’re in the garage. Good luck, dude.”

  With that, he clapped Hayden on the back and walked out of the room. Hayden watched him go, then turned back to the donuts. His face compressed into a scowl. “Damnit, Tony, you ate the maple bar, too?” Hookup’s laughter was the only response.

  Face forlorn, Hayden looked over at me. “I can’t wait to move.”

  Laughing, I picked up a jelly-filled donut and handed it to him. “Here, you better eat this quick before he comes back.”

  Hayden sighed, then devoured it in three bites. My eyes were huge as I watched him. “What?” he said. “You told me to eat it quick.”

  Shaking my head, I gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Keep that up, and those love handles won’t be far behind.”

  Licking his fingers, he suggestively wriggled his eyebrows. “I’ll just have to work them off then.” His face immediately shifted. “When you’re ready, of course.”